by S J Batsford
My anger bursts free as I stomp over to the door, slamming and locking it for good measure. Jumping in the shower, I scrub my skin. I feel dirty remembering what we were just doing before his fiancée interrupted us.
How can he be like that? Sound so blasé about it. I only just feel the scalding water searing my skin, as tears sting my eyes.
It hurt to hear him lie about where he was and the way he spoke to her.
~*~
When I emerge from the bathroom, he’s sitting on the edge of my bed, elbows on knees fully dressed. He looks at me warily, trying to gauge my mood. I’m glad I have a towel and robe around me, I feel the need for extra protection.
What we’re doing feels all wrong and I don’t know what to do or say. So, I walk to the window looking out, it's a beautiful day.
I know I’m going to have to make the decision, whether I can stick it out and fight for us, or leave him to his life and his fiancée.
I need a run to clear all this crap out, I don’t need this right now, I’m still grieving, then, there’s my Nan and college.
My internal rant is broken by Ethan laying his hands on my upper arms and his head on the back of my neck.
“I know this is hard for you, I shouldn’t have answered the call. I’m sorry,” regret colours his words.
“I have to go, she’s waiting for me, she needs to talk to me. We were supposed to go shopping, that’s why she called,” his whispered words make me sick, every single word coming out his mouth makes me gag. I need air.
Moving out of his hold, I grab some workout clothes and underwear from my draws. With jerky moves I manage to pull them on without showing my body. Grabbing my brush, I vigorously brush it, pulling it into a high ponytail.
“Lily?” his voice grates across my frayed nerves, I’ve already shut down emotionally.
“What?” I ask, not looking at him.
“I know you’re hurt by all this, I’m sorry. I will sort it, I promise.”
I spin, looking at him. “What, you’re going to tell her today?” I ask hopefully, the guilt on his face quickly squishes it, he’s not going to do it. Maybe he never will, why should he.
I feel dirty again. Turning around, I snatch my phone and earphones of the dresser, before making my way to the door.
“You said you’ve got to go, so let’s go. I’m going for a run anyway, I didn’t get to yesterday,” my voice cold and purposefully devoid of emotion, he looks shocked and worried.
“Don’t be like that. I’ve got to talk to Alexander first,” he pleads, watching me. Ignoring him I make my way into the hall. “Come on then. You better get going, you have a long day ahead of you,” I shout over my shoulder.
In the kitchen there's a note from Nan saying she’s already out.
Millie’s just leaving as we walk in. “Hey, Mills, you leaving already?” I ask, trying to sound bright and chipper.
Mace shoots me a funny look, then looks at Ethan. “Yeah, mom called, she needs my help with something. Can we catch up another day?” she mumbles, fidgeting uncomfortably.
“Yeah, tell Tiff I said hi,” I say, hugging her. “Speak to you later,” I say, going to grab some water from the fridge, while they all say goodbye. Ethan's eyes follow my every move.
“Okay, what’s going on?” Mace asks, crossing his arms over his chest, looking between me and Ethan expectantly. I stay quiet, raising an eyebrow at Ethan.
Shoving his hands in his pockets, he sighs. “I’ve got to go, I got a call…”
“Yeah, I know, dad’s been blowing up my phone for the past hour, wanting to know where you are,” Mace interrupts, I watch as Ethan blanches slightly.
“He said Ashley was looking for you, that they couldn’t get you on the phone, and you weren’t at your apartment. He's really pissed E,” his voice betraying his frustration, I look at him amused.
“What?” he asks, seeing my grin.
I shrug, “You’ve got that from me, you know.”
“What?” He asks.
“That. The knack for stating the obvious,” I grin, enjoying our easy banter.
He laughs, “Yeah, you sort of rub off on people,” he jokes, making me flush, as my eyes shoot to Ethan, he looks amused, looking back at me with a raised eyebrow.
“Anyway, I’m going for a run, you want to join?” I ask Mace, ignoring Ethan.
He looks from Ethan to me. “Don’t you two want to spend some time together?” he asks confused, then it all clicks. Me pissed and Ethan worried and nervous.
Before either can utter a word, I step in again. “No, Ethan has to go. So, run. Yes-no?” I ask impatiently.
“Lily, come on. We need to talk about this, please?” I look at Ethan’s pleading face, keeping mine blank. “It’s fine, you have things to do... I’ll speak to you later,” I say nonchalantly, Mace frowns as Ethan nods, mumbling bye and leaves.
“What the hell was all that about?” Mace blurts as the door closes. “Nothing, are you going to change? You still have a few outfits here,” I try joking, but it falls flat.
“Oh, hell no! I want to know what all that was?” he says planting his arse on a chair. “Mace... I can’t talk to you about this, he’s your brother.”
“Yes, you can. I will even suffer the girlie and disgusting bits, promise,” I laugh at his face and plonk into a chair.
“I don’t know what happened, we were so close. Waking up this morning with him was amazing,” I sigh happily, he waves his hand impatiently.
“Well, we were… Kissing and stuff,” I stop as we both cringe. He looks pained, but nods for me to continue.
“Okay, we were… Anyway, we were both rather…. hot, and then the phone rang. We ignore it naturally, but it rang again and the mood was gone. He asks me to pass him his phone, I’m up at this point anyway, so I do, noticing it was Ashley. I gave him the phone and went into the bathroom,” I shrug, playing with the label on my water.
“Okay, then what?” he urges.
“I heard some of his conversation from the bathroom, he told her he was with a friend.”
He winces, looking at me sadly. “Lils, he couldn’t really tell her he was with you, could he?” he sighs, like I should have known this was coming.
I glare at him. “I know that!” I snap.
“It’s the way it made me feel. I felt dirty, and the way he was speaking to her, that pissed me off. What exactly is so important that it can’t be missed today?” I ask, getting the feeling that there’s more that I’m missing.
He looks away guiltily sucking on his bottom lip. That's his tell, that nervous thing people do when they either don’t want to talk about it, or, feel guilty or don’t want to lie.
“And Mace, don’t you dare lie to me! I don’t like liars. I know there’s something you’re not telling me.” I warn seriously. That’s why this situation is eating at me so badly, I really do hate liars.
“Okay, but I don’t think you’re going to like it.” He exhales.
“I probably won’t, but I deserve the truth for once. I’m sick of the lies and secrecy. Would you want me to tell you the truth?” I growl angrily, feeling it simmer below the surface.
“Yes, I would, and I’m sorry for all this crap, I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth yesterday. It should have come from E, not me. It just pissed me off how blasé he was. Saying you were his girlfriend,” he looks me in the eyes, and I’m not so sure I want to know now.
“They’re... meeting the wedding planner today... to make sure everything is on track.”
I feel all the blood drain from my body and my stomach lurch. I slap my hand over my mouth jump up. Running for the bathroom, slam the door. I retch until my stomach muscles hurt.
Why would he go through with this meeting if he was ending it? The obvious answer, he’s a fucking liar!
“Lils? Are you okay? I’m sorry,” Maces voice comes through the door muffled.
“I’m okay, I’ll be out in a minute,” I mumble, my voice barely audible, my throat sore.
~*~
When I come out, Mace is shouting. “She doesn’t need this shit.”
“I know, and I have to do that too. I won’t give up, Millie. But this isn't about Millie and I. Lily doesn’t need this. She just lost her mother. She’s a mess and she’s just thrown up after I had to tell her where you were and what you were doing.”
“I had to tell her. She asked me out right, and I won’t lie to her, I’m sorry, but I’m not losing my best friend over this shit,” he shouts, throwing his phone at the sofa.
“Hey,” I whisper, feeling bad for causing them to argue.
He swings around spotting me. “You okay? You’re still pale,” he says, holding his arms out for me.
I walk into his chest, wrapping my arms around his back. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to go through all this.” He whispers softly into my hair.
“You ready to go for that run? I need to burn some energy,” I ask, feeling my muscles twitch.
“Yeah, just let me change, two minutes,” he sighs, heading for the spare room.
As we head out, we’re both quiet stuck in our own thoughts. I wonder what he thinks of me being with his brother when he’s with someone else. He never makes me feel judged even if what I’m doing is wrong. He’s always on my side and for that I’m grateful, but does he resent me?
I sigh, letting it go and enjoy the beauty that is Balboa Park. Families spending precious time together, friends playing, dogs barking and kids playing chase.
I notice a middle-aged couple, cuddling on a blanket. It makes me sad to know I probably won’t ever have that with Ethan. Blinking, I focus on my pace.
“Race you back.” Mace shouts, sprinting off. I look around realising we’re nearly home. Feeling a burst of energy at the challenge Mace set down, I sprint after him at top speed, passing him at the last few yards.
“Even with… a… head… start, you still can’t beat me,” I laugh at his astonished face. “How the hell do you do that? I was way ahead,” he pants, his hands braced on his knees. I pat him on the arm, “I know. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone I whooped your arse,” I chuckle opening the door.
“Nan, you home?” I shout.
“Yes, I’m home, noisy,” she says, coming from the laundry room smiling.
“Hey, Cora,” Mace says, turning pink, I snicker at his face.
“Hello Mason. Where’s Millie this afternoon?” she asks slyly, trying to hold back a chuckle.
“Erm, she’s helping Tiffany,” he mumbles, rubbing his neck, I laugh at his obvious discomfort.
“Okay, then. Shower and clothes in the wash,” she says, holding her nose. We must really stink because we were out for three hours.
“Okay, back in a few,” I say as we both plant a kiss on her cheeks as we go chuckling at her muttered, “Gross.”
~*~
I feel marginally better after my run and a hot shower. It feels good to be snuggled in some comfy clothes. Sitting I take my time brushing my hair. It’s long, thick and wavy, and I love it, when it behaves.
“Lily, your phone is beeping and ringing off the hook,” Nan shouts up the stairs.
I sigh falling back onto my bed, knowing it’s probably Ethan. I do not want to deal with all this right now.
I open my eyes when I hear the clearing of a throat, finding Mason standing over me, my phone in his outstretched hand.
“It’s Ethan, you have fifteen missed calls, and four texts. I think he wants to speak to you,” he sighs when I huff, taking the phone and open the texts.
Ethan: Mason said you’ve been sick again? Was it this morning that caused it?
Ethan: I know. I should have told you…. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how. I don’t want to be the cause of anymore pain for you.
Ethan: I will sort this, I promise. I love you.
Ethan: Baby, talk to me. Please.
I bury my face in my hands trying not to cry. Mace sits beside me, pulling me into a hug.
“Aww, Lils. I really want to punch him in the face for putting you through this, but I can’t since the asshole’s my brother,” he states, gently stroking my hair, I give a watery chuckle.
“What am I supposed to say Mace? What am I going to do? We both said we don’t share, but he’s forcing me to. I don’t want to be known as a home-wrecker,” I whisper horrified.
“You are not a home-wrecker. Don’t ever say that again,” he says, anger bleeding through his words.
“I am though, aren’t I? She had him first, they’re engaged! I need to break this off.” I say, my chest tightening, it feels like my heart is being squeezed in a vice.
“Maybe you should talk to him first. He may have already told her and is talking to my dad as we speak,” he says, with forced enthusiasm, but his eyes are sad as he leaves me alone.
Taking a deep breath, I fortify myself for this conversation. My hand shakes as I press call, and wait for him to pick up.
“Hello?” I’m so shocked I don’t speak.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” I’m frozen, this must be Ashley.
“Ash, come on. They want us to pick now. Who’s that?” I hear Ethan in the background.
“I don’t know, they aren’t answering.”
“Wait! Is that my phone?” He sounds pissed and anxious.
“Yeah, it rang, so I picked up.”
I hang up, dropping the phone, I feel tears leak from my eyes. Stupid idiot, I berate myself, as I grab a new set of running clothes, hurrying to put them on before running down stairs and out the door.
“LILS!” Mason yells up the street. I ignore him, pushing faster, needing to be alone.
I just run, forcing everything inside me go cold, I can’t do this anymore, we’re done.
I don’t know how long I’ve been gone, but it’s getting dark. I’ve been wondering around aimlessly, and now I’m starving because I haven’t eaten anything all day.
~*~
“Where the fuck, have you been?” Mason yells, when I finally stumble through the door. He looks at me furiously, hands on his hips.
“I’m sorry. I went for a walk, where’s Nan?” I ask feeling like shit for scaring him.
“She’s in bed exhausted, from worrying about you,” he snaps still pissed.
I grab some juice and cookies and plonk onto the sofa, shattered. “I really am sorry. I needed to be alone.”
After a pause, I whisper, “I called him.” I spy him in my peripheral vision.
“I know, he called me when you wouldn’t pick up. Ashley picked up the phone didn’t she?” he asks, his face softening.
“Yep, she did. I froze, then after hearing a short conversation between them, I put the phone down. I’m just sorry, he’s dragging you into this,” I say munching on my cookies.
“What did you hear?” He asks, and winces at the look I give him.
“Well, you tell me? What are they supposed to be picking out today?” I ask, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I don’t know. What are you going to do?” he asks, sitting beside me, shaking my head, I cuddle his arm.
“I don’t want this crap, I’m done,” I sigh, feeling relieved. “Weren’t you supposed to meet Millie?” I ask, confused.
“Yeah, I cancelled. I can see her tomorrow.” He’s so amazing to me, I don’t deserve him sometimes.
“Aww, Mace…. I’m sorry. Go over there now. I don’t want to mess things up with you two,” I say, feeling like shit. I’ve been selfish again.
“It’s fine, promise. You’re my best friend. Fancy watching a movie? We can order pizza, or do you need to call Ethan?” I think about calling him for a second, but decide on an evening with my best friend and I grab the phone ‘n’ pizza menu.
“Movie and pizza it is then. In your room though,” he says, stretching, and I nod.
~*~
“Lilly? Ethan’s here!” Nan shouts.
“Who… Ugh, what time is it?” I mumble, shaking Mace.
“Mace, wake up. We’ve
got to get up, your brother’s here,” I yawn, rubbing my eyes.
“What time is it?” he grunts as I use his chest for leverage to look at the clock.
“Erm, nine… What time did we go to sleep?” I yawn again, stretching.
“I don’t know, about three? I better go downstairs,” he says, rubbing his eyes, he looks at me.
“You okay?” he asks, I nod.
“I need a quick shower though.”
“Okay, see you down there.”
~*~
Walking into the kitchen. I see Nan at the stove as usual and Mace and Ethan are having a glaring contest at the table.
“You two can pack that in right now. You’re brothers,” I snap sitting next to Mason.
“Morning, Nan. Have these two been doing that long?”
“Morning, honey. Yep, since Mason came downstairs. What’s going on with you all?” she asks, looking between the three of us.
“Don’t worry. It will be sorted after breakfast. Do you need any help?” I ask hopefully, wanting away from the shit storm building at the table.
“No, thank you, honey, it’s coming now, you stay where you are.”
We all eat in relative silence.
“Okay, well… I’m going to go to Matilda's. Will you be okay, honey? Do you mind cleaning up?” Nan asks, looking apprehensively between us.
I get up hugging her. “I’ll be fine, I don’t mind cleaning, you cooked. Go enjoy yourself, love you,” I add, her face lights up as she smiles lovingly at me.
“Love you, too, honey. You all be good now, you hear?” She says in mock sternness.
I turn on them as the door closes, ready to bang some heads together.
“Right. Let’s get this straight. First; why are you two glaring at each other? Well?” I demand, hands on hips, waiting for them to speak.
“He caused all this shit by hurting you,” Mason hisses angrily.