by S J Batsford
Sighing, she agrees, “okay, but only because you asked, and if he says or does anything else to cause trouble I’ll kick his ass myself.” I giggle, knowing she’s serious. But it sounds hilarious coming from a small, old lady.
For the next hour, there’s laughing, shouting and banter between the men.
I order pizza for everyone as a thank you for helping. Isabella and Nan have been unpacking, arranging places for things to go with my supervision.
“Pizza’s here!” I yell, after paying the pizza boy.
I smile when I hear bump, bump, bump coming down the stairs. Then Mace, Niles, Alex and Ethan come racing into the kitchen, pushing and shoving each other, all wanting to be the first there.
“Do men ever grow up?” I ask giggling, looking at Isabella and Nan.
“No.” They say together, chuckling.
“I’m glad I’m having one of each then and not two boys. Especially with half their genes coming from them,” I sigh, pointing at them.
“Hey! There's nothing wrong with sibling rivalry, but our babies will be little angels.” Ethan smiles, and my smile turns into a laugh as Mace and Niles look at each other nod and grab Ethan. Mace has his arms locked behind his back as Niles headlocks him, giving a good noogy.
Nan and I giggle, as Isabella sighs exasperated. Alex is standing in the doorway looking at me, smiling. As our eyes lock, his turn sad, a silent apology in them. I nod acknowledging it, but still weary of him.
“Okay, guys enough, pizza’s getting cold,” I shout over the ruckus, and as quickly as it broke out it ceases, and everyone sits at the table digging in.
It’s so relaxed sitting listening to everyone chat about mundane things. I can almost forget the past, and imagine we’re a real family.
As soon as the thought registers, Ethan’s phone rings.
Sighing, he fish’s his phone out his pocket, looking at the screen, his eyes swing to me sadly, before leaving the table to take the call.
I leave too, making my way upstairs, to unpack my clothes, to keep busy.
The situation is so fucked up. He’s married to her, but is in love with me. They’re having a baby together, but so are we. So I’m stuck in limbo. I love him, but can’t have him.
I’ve got to move on and find a new path. Hopefully, I’ll fall in love again.
“Hey, you okay?” Mace interrupts my moping, sitting beside me.
Nodding, I lay my head on his shoulder. We sit quietly, mainly because I can’t speak right now without crying.
“I have to move on,” I say, sounding like I’m being choked.
Picking up my hand, he squeezes gently, always my pillar of strength.
“Yeah, you do. You deserve better, and they deserve to see their mommy happy, laughing and content. Whether that’s with someone else or not. It doesn’t matter, but you have to let him go. He chose his path, and unfortunately you weren’t the main feature. You’ll always be tied together by these little people. So, it’ll be harder than just cutting ties,” he sighs putting his arms around me, holding me as I shake with sobs.
I calm myself, wiping my face. I move away and start pulling clothes out my bags. “Is he gone?” I ask, slamming draws a little too hard.
“Don’t know, I wanted to check on you. It sounded like they were having an argument.”
I roll my eyes because aren’t they always? “Where is everyone else?”
“Down stairs,” he says, sucking on his lip, just realising how bad that situation could be.
My ears prick up as we head downstairs. Everything’s quiet, no arguing or fighting, which is good. Heading for the kitchen, we find Nan cleaning up the remnants of dinner, but no one else there.
“Where is everyone?” I ask, collecting the glasses from the dining table.
“They had to go,” she hasn’t even looked up. I know something is wrong with the way she’s acting.
“What’s wrong, Nan?” I look at Mason, who now looks worried.
“Ethan got a phone call from his wife, something about the baby. They all rushed off. I’ll help with all the things that need doing here,” she pats my hand.
I turn to see Mace looking conflicted. “Maybe you should go, they’re your family too.” I sit, grabbing another piece of pizza and forcing myself to swallow.
“I don’t know, they’re all there, they don’t need me.”
He’s still trying to be a loyal friend. Getting up, I push him toward the door.
“Go. They’re your family, you should be there with them. Thank you for being a loyal friend, but this isn’t about loyalty. This is family, and your brother needs you right now.”
Nodding, he grabs his phone and keys. “Will you be okay?”
“Yeah, we’ll be fine. Phone if you need anything, and don’t worry,” I push him out the door.
~*~
Chapter Fifteen
Left to our own devices Nan and I busy ourselves emptying box after box, mostly treasures from my old life in England. It’s nice to have parts of my life with Mom in my new house. My babies will know her, I’ll tell them stories, and show them pictures of their Grandma Lizzy.
We unpack boxes of old pictures, including the special ones I’ve pulled together.
As it turns out my Nan is quite the expert with a hammer and nails. She hangs all the pictures of Mom and me. Herself and Grandad. Me and Nan. Me, Nan and Mace. Mace and me. I wanted memories everywhere. There are even some of Ethan and Niles, Isabella and Alex. All the twins’ family are there in different shots. I even managed to get some of the babies only aunty Ava. Whom I haven’t met, due her being away at art school.
“Nan, I think we deserve a break. How about we have a cuppa and some TV?”
“Okay, but you sit and I’ll make the tea,” I shake my head sick of being treated like an invalid.
“Nan, I’m capable of making a cuppa,” I protest grabbing two cups, she smiles holding up her hands in surrender.
“Okay, sorry.” Smirking, I grab a couple of packets of biscuits and head for the living room.
We watch cooking shows for a couple of hours before ordering my favourite Mexican food, because these days I’m always eating something.
It’s ten p.m. and Mace still isn’t back. Nan’s stayed as long as possible, not wanting to leave me alone.
“Okay, honey, I’m going to head home. As long as you’re okay?” She looks unsure whether to leave me or not.
I nudge her gently, “I’ll be fine, I’m a big girl now, literally,” I giggle, rubbing my belly. “I’m going to be a Momma soon and I need to get used to taking care of myself.” A genuine smile stretches her face.
“Good night, honey, I'll see you tomorrow?”
“Yep, call me when you get home, okay?”
“Okay, Mom,” she laughs, rolling her eyes. I laugh, she’s so sassy, I love it.
Inside, I lock the door, heading for a nice hot bubble bath.
While soaking my phone beeps, I ignore it, letting all stress and tension go.
Wrapped in a big fluffy towel, I step into my room more than ready for bed.
My room is huge compared to any I’ve had before, with a massive bed.
Finally dressed, I crawl onto the softest mattress ever. Umm, fresh sheets… I immediately drift into a peaceful, but exhausted sleep.
~*~
“LILY?” I wake with a start, hearing a yell from down stairs. I roll out of bed checking the time, it’s two a.m.
“LILY?” The voice is closer.
“I’m coming,” I huff, moving as fast as I can.
Mason comes charging down the hall looking frantic. “Mace? What’s wrong?” I ask, dread curling in my belly.
He blows out a breath hugging me fiercely. “Where have you been?” He asks, scowling.
“I’ve been here all night. Why?”
He frowns at me. “Then why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“I was in the bath, then I fell asleep. I was exhausted. Did you just get back?” I ask, moving downstairs
to the kitchen, freaking heartburn.
“Yeah, I was scared shitless when you never answered. So I left as soon as I could,” he mutters following me to the kitchen.
I roll my eyes, “I’m a big girl I don’t need watching constantly. You are allowed a life,” I sigh rubbing my chest.
I take a good look at him, he looks drained and tired. “How is everyone? Is the baby okay?” I ask, praying he or she is okay.
He looks pale and drawn. “The baby isn’t…?” I feel ill at the thought of the baby dying.
“No. The baby is fine. She had a scare, high blood pressure or something. She was waiting in the reception area when Ethan got there apparently. But she needs a lot of rest, and someone to take care of her so…” Swallowing, he looks at me sadly, and I know I won’t be seeing Ethan for a while.
“So, Ethan has to stay with her? He won’t be making our shopping trip tomorrow will he?”
“This hit him hard. He’s blaming himself for all the stress. He said he’s going to be a better husband, that she needs to come first.”
“So, not to sound selfish, but what about these babies? We’re supposed to go shopping for them. What about the doctor appointment’s he said he wanted to come to?” I know it sounds selfish, but I’m sick of our babies playing second best in his fucked up life.
“He gave me a credit card for you to use… To get the babies things. I’ll go with you to your appointments, you know I will.”
My anger is at boiling point, and if I don’t leave right now, I’ll blow up at the wrong person. I leave the room silently, I need time away from everyone, not even Mason can help fix what I’m feeling right now.
~*~
I can’t believe I let him in again, only to get pushed to the side-lines. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
I’m so wound up, it’s impossible to sleep. I wish I could go for a run, expel my pent up energy. So as a poor substitute, I pace from one side of my room to the other.
That coward. He hasn’t even called, or even text to tell me himself. Once again, I had to hear it from his brother!
I swipe my phone off the side table. Nothing. Fucking asshole. I need to get out of here for a little while. Chucking on some scuffs, I tie my hair haphazardly and snatch my car keys off the side. Storming back down stairs, startling Mace who’s in the kitchen eating left overs.
“Lils? Where are you going? It’s after three in the morning.” He looks at me anxiously as I grab a coat.
“I’m going for a drive. I’ll be back in a bit I need fresh air.”
“It’s the middle of the night. You’re pregnant!”
Snorting I shrug, “I know. Maybe you should tell your asshole of a brother that. Because I’ve had enough of his bollocks, I’ll cope on my own!!!” I snap, slamming the door.
My chest restricts as I drive away from the house. I don’t want to worry anyone, but sometimes, I just need time to myself. Like right now, I need to let my anger dissipate before dealing with Ethan, or I may just slap the shit out of him.
So much for him wanting to be there for his babies. I understand him needing to be there for his other baby and even her. I’m not a bitch, my Mom raised me better than that. But I’m sick of my kids being pushed to the side.
Don’t worry, you’ll always be number one in Mommy’s life.
I drive aimlessly for an hour, before ending up at my Mom's bench. I pull my coat tighter around myself to stave off the wind.
Sitting I breakdown, telling her everything that’s happened, how it’s made me feel, how it’s changed me for the better and worse. My hopes and fears. How much I miss her and wish she were here. I just wish I could ask her advice and have her hold me because in that moment I feel so alone.
~*~
“Lily? Thank god. I’ve been worried sick, I called Cora and everything. Where have you been until eight-forty-five?” Mace looks pale and exhausted.
“I’m fine. I’m a big girl Mace. I can take care of myself. I’m going to bed. So you can call my Nan and tell her I’m back and in bed. Night,” I snap, walking past him up to bed.
I know he’s been up all night worried and he cares, but last night something snapped in me and I just can’t find it in me to give a shit right now.
~*~
“Lily, you awake?”
Groaning, I look at the clock, shocked to see it’s twelve in the afternoon.
“Yes, I’m up,” I shout, dragging my ass out of bed. Ready to put into motion the plan I came up with last night while sitting on my Mom’s bench.
I need food, then it’s time to put my plans into action. There’s no way in hell I’m taking money from Ethan. I’ll pay for them myself, he can stick his money. I have the money, our old flat sold for more than I thought it would. I was only letting him pay for things so he wouldn’t feel like shit, but he can stick it now.
“Where were you last night? I was really worried.”
“I’m sorry for snapping at you last night, but I’ve had it with your brother. He can be a dad when they’re born, but until then, he’d better stay away from me. He can also forget about paying for this place and anything for my kids. I’ll do that myself, thanks. You can give him his credit card back; I don’t want or need it.”
“It’s okay, I know he’s let you down again. But I’m still here, for all three of you. Plus, you promised to squeeze the crap out of my hand,” he jokes, making me smile.
“Are we still going shopping today?”
“Yes! What do we need to get?” He answers quickly, smiling excitedly.
“I have a list, but first you need to take that card back. It isn’t coming with us.” There’s no way that card will be used for anything.
“Okay, he’s going to be really pissed off though,” he sighs, dragging his phone out his pocket.
“I don’t care much about his feelings. He can play happy families. When these two are born he can see them, but as far as I go, I don’t even want to see him. Last night was the last time he gets to change his mind. He won’t be coming to doctor’s appointments, and he definitely won’t be present when they’re born. That’s a special time, and I don’t want it marred by his baggage.” I feel better, lighter after saying my piece. Mason looks sad, but nods.
“If he has a problem with it, I’ll deal with him, but this is it now. I’m sick of our kids being pushed aside like they don’t count.”
“I don’t think he’s doing that. I know it looks that way, but it’s a messed up situation. I’m just sorry you’re at the bottom of the pile again.”
“This isn’t about me, Mace. There is no me and Ethan, not anymore. But these are his babies too, he helped make them, but all the responsibilities have been left up to me, because he has another life, another baby coming. I have to do this alone, and I’ve accepted that, but it’s not fair for these two to have a daddy that will only be there when he can, or when he’s not busy with his wife and baby. How is that going to be for them when they’re older? Am I going to have to explain why their daddy can’t come to see them today? Why their daddy doesn’t live with them?” I hiccup, holding my tears in.
“I didn’t want this for my kids. The constant wondering where daddy is?”
“The questions will get harder as they get older. I’m dreading having to answer them. How am I going to answer when they ask things like, why their daddy’s with someone else, and not with us? Why they have a sibling the same age? Why they see more of their uncle than their own father?” I sniff, rubbing my face, tired of what ifs.
It’s all such a mess, Mason. I’m so angry at myself, I made so many immature choices.”
“I know the cruelness that kids go through at school, but that’s magnified when they don’t have a dad at home.”
“Stop. You need to stop worrying. It’ll work it’s self out. Ethan will be there, not as much as me, but you know I’m awesome, so…” I laugh at his smug face.
“Okay, I’m going to get dressed, then we’ll go and you can drop that card off on the
way.” I kiss his cheek, whispering ‘thanks’ on my way out.
~*~
The drive to Ethan and Ashley’s is tense and quiet.
“Did you call to tell him you were coming?” I ask, nervously, I don’t want to speak or see him.
“Erm, no. I didn’t want the argument, so I’m just going to pull up drop it off and leave him to his mood,” he laughs.
“Wow. You are a genius. Quite the master plan,” I giggle, my mood brightening.
My thoughts shift to the list tucked away in my pocket. I can’t wait to get started, I sit there happily imagining all the pretty clothes I can get my daughter, and cute trains and cars I can get my son.
“Mace, will you help me do the nursery?” I ask softly, feeling sadness creep in again, Ethan was going to decorate their room.
“Really? Can we get the paint and things today?” He asks, bouncing in his seat.
Giggling, I hold my hands in the air in surrender. “Okay, okay. We’ll get the thing’s today, just calm down and concentrate on the road.”
We pull onto the drive of a big house, surrounded by plants and flowers, it has family stamped all over it.
“Be back in a sec,” I laugh, at Mason's mad dash to the door.
Minutes pass, and my thoughts turn to Ashley, she lives in a dream house, she’s married, she has a baby on the way and she’s insecure why?
I shake my head, disgusted, ungrateful cow.
I call Nan while I wait, apologising for last night and explaining what happened. She’s not pleased with Ethan. I also told her my plans, she seemed surprised, but happy. We arranged to go shopping at the weekend.
My smile evaporates when Mace emerges pissed off.
“Well, that went over like a lead balloon. He was pissed off and will probably be calling you soon. I tried to explain it all, but he’s upset.”
Sighing, I squeeze his arm.
“I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle. It’s not fair on you, but I can’t speak to him right now and I don’t think Ashley would like me in her house,” I smile slyly.