“Can you not feel anything?” Tia asks. My head tilts to the side in confusion.
“Umm… Cole? You are kind of… Umm… squeezing my breast,” I hear Cheza say from my chest.
I look down and see that her breast is fitting perfectly in my right hand. I freeze for a moment and then snap back in control of my body. My right hand immediately flies off her breast and up into the air.
“Oh shit, I’m sor—AUGH!” I scream as the pain I felt from before comes back in full force, plus interest. I crumple to the ground, my left side hitting down near Cheza’s feet as I face towards Tia.
“COLE!” I hear Cheza scream as she kneels down beside me and puts her hand on my right shoulder.
“TURN IT OFF! TURN THE SYSTEM OFF!” Tia screams.
“WE CAN’T TURN IT OFF WITHOUT TURNING OFF THE BRIDGE TOO! THEY’RE ON THE SAME NODE!” Kira’s voice booms from somewhere unseen, most likely the sunshine-ray-bubble-thingy™ that is at the other end of the bridge. Every muscle in my body feels like its clenching together and then releasing violently. Whom is that I hear screaming…? Oh wait, that’s me.
“Shit!” Tia swears. “Chezarei, hurry up and help me drag him!”
Cheza grabs my left arm as Tia grabs my right. Whoever is screaming really needs to stop—they’re giving me a massive headache… no wait, that’s still me.
After fifty feet have passed, I start seeing stars and the edges of my vision darken.
After one hundred feet have passed, the range of my vision is at less than half.
After one hundred fifty feet have passed, the muscle clenching turns into convulsions.
After two hundred feet have passed, my vision goes black as I smell something burning.
But, just this once, I would like to believe that’s not me.
…
Chapter 15: Is this heaven?
I wake up on one of those couches that seem to be in every therapist’s office with a crackling fireplace to my left and a bottle of Perrier being poured into a chilled glass on my right by… Cheza? In a bunny suit? You know the ones: corset with black stockings, high heeled shoes, bunny ears, and to finish it all off, there was even a little poof ball on the ass. I see that Tia is dressed in one as well as she stands over by the fire, speaking to an older, red-haired gentleman. He is sitting in a plush chair to the right of the fireplace, wearing a dark maroon smoking jacket with a purple ascot while gently swirling a goblet of scotch in his left hand.
“Oh, I get it!” I loudly exclaim.
“I died and I’m in my own heaven that was recreated using my recent memories! I have to say that the bunny suits are a nice touch. Cheza looks pretty damn good in one of those things! Tia does too, I suppose, but it’s not quite the same… I just get the feeling that this isn’t her first time wearing one. Anyway, Cheza, can you get me a glass of scotch, please?” I ask, smacking her on the ass as she passes by, just for the hell of it.
“Man this is great! I never thought I would enjoy being dead so much!” I exclaim as Cheza scampers off.
“HA HA HA! I thought you might like this, boyo!” the gentleman Tia was talking to belts out, speaking with an almost stereotypical Irish accent.
“So God is Irish… whatever! Works for me! So I suppose what’s next is the pool party involving waterfalls and some sort of grotto?” I ask. 3
“You mean like this?” God asks while snapping his fingers. Suddenly Tia and Cheza are wearing bikinis and I’m wearing swim trunks. A large pool that includes a waterfall off to the right, with the entrance to the grotto hidden behind the waterfall, stretches out before me.
“Or perhaps somethin’ a little different?” He says while snapping his fingers again.
Now we are in a booth at an underground jazz club. I can make out Frank Sinatra through the smoke as he belts out ‘Fly Me to the Moon’. I’m wearing a white tuxedo; to my right, Cheza is wearing a pleated navy skirt, with a matching halter top that ties behind her neck, black cat ears, and a matching tail; and to my left, Tia is wearing a similar ensemble with the exception of a tube top and hers is dog themed.
“Yeah this works! Their outfits don’t really match the atmosphere, but I like them!” I tell God.
“Okay. That’s it. I’m done,” Tia says while standing up. I watch her, puzzled by her actions.
“Oh come now, lass. We were just havin’ a bit o’ fun!” God tells her.
Tia narrows her eyes at him, and then snaps her fingers. Everyone’s clothes turn back to normal as the room shifts around until it contains a rectangular conference table with eight chairs around it, all on a circular sandstone platform. Off in the distance to my right, I can see the large platforms and step pyramids that led to the bridge.
I am standing at the end of the table with Cheza to my right as she looks down at the table with her face a deep shade of crimson, and Tia sitting to my left. The only other people in the room are Kira and the older red-haired gentleman, who are sitting to the left and right of the empty head of the table. Kira is a Hispanic woman in her mid-forties, about 5’3” tall, heavyset with white hair and milky white irises. It suddenly dawns on me that this is not heaven, and I am still very much alive.
“Aw… Can I go back to thinking that I’m dead instead of just wishing I was?” I groan.
Cheza looks at me with profound sadness in her eyes. I smile apologetically at her, knowing that she’ll understand that I’m apologizing for wishing I was dead. I’ll have to apologize for the whole ass smacking thing later.
“Never mind. Can someone please explain to me what in the hell happened back there?” I ask the table.
“I guess I’ll start at the beginning,” Tia says while swiveling her chair toward me. “Sara taught you about mythology when you were younger right?”
I nod, thinking back to the time before I started school when I was a functioning vegetable.
“Well they aren’t exactly myths. That is Dagda. My name isn’t actually Tia, it’s Tlazolteotl, but continue to call me Tia because you will just butcher the pronunciation anyway and it would feel weird after you’ve been calling me Tia for three quarters of your life. And Kira is actually Mama Quilla,” Tia says as I process the names.
Dagda (the Irish gentleman from before) is the ‘All-Father’ of Celtic mythology. I vaguely recall Tlazolteotl as being a goddess of lust, and purification from Aztec mythology. Mama Quilla is goddess of the moon in the Incan mythos. She is also the wife of Inti, the sun god and head honcho of the Incan pantheon, which means that Uncle Eric was… Wait a second, I vaguely recall hearing Kira calling Eric, Indy.
“Wait, so when I heard Kira say ‘Indy’ in Eric’s bedroom one night when I was thirteen, it wasn’t an elaborate Indiana Jones sex play and she was actually saying Inti?” I ask, causing a bit of snickering from Tia and Dagda.
“That is correct, Cole. I was simply addressing Eric using the name that I was most familiar with,” Kira replies. Wasn’t Mama Quilla also Inti’s sister…? Probably not something I should bring up at the moment.
“Cole, you are a special type of warrior that has the ability to control his own blood. That type of warrior has been imprinted with three Drives: the Adroit Drive, Survival Drive, and Protector Drive. What happened a few minutes ago was your Protector Drive reacting to Cheza’s jeopardy, just like it did with that Dwight boy six years ago. The security system is set to target anyone that enters a Drive state and use electrocution to subdue them. Electricity happens to be a bit of a big weakness for you because it interrupts your control over your blood. Your Survival Drive is what activated when you were stabbed five months ago, when you were in mortal peril. In addition to killing anything that is deemed a threat, your Survival Drive would also kill anything that tried to, say, pull you roughly off someone you were killing. I assume that is why it killed Jason, which is really too bad. I would have loved to have another go with him to see how much he had improved since he was fourteen. Did you know that I’m the reason he started working out?” Tia in
forms me.
My knees hit the floor and my eyes are wide in shock as my world corrodes around me.
“My whole life has been a lie. The basis for all my values has just crumbled into dust!” I say with my voice cracking at the end as a few tears slip down my cheeks.
“Cole…” Cheza softly says while kneeling down to hug me.
“Looks like the shock was just a bit too much for the boy,” Kira says.
“I mean… YOU ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH JASON!? HE WASN’T LYING!?” I ask Tia.
Cheza pulls away from me before studying my face incredulously, as if to say “That is what you’re worried about? I’m concerned that there may be something wrong with your head.”
I bury my face in my hands as I reconsider everything I know as true. The sun is hot? Check. Rocks are hard? Check. Gods exist? Sure, why not. Five hundred years ago, people didn’t know that microorganisms existed either even though they have been here the entire time. Jason never had sex with Tia?
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE!” I scream towards the sky.
Then Cheza pimp slaps me. I sit there stunned for a second before I realize that something is on my face. I reach up and touch my stinging cheek before pulling it away to look at my hand. There is a white powder on the tips of my fingers; I smell it, and then I lick it. Powdered Sugar? Where in the hell did Cheza get powdered sugar? 4
I hear Tia trying so hard not to laugh that it sounds like she is recycling her own air, making a kind of squeaky honking sound in the process. Cheza sets the sifter of powdered sugar on the table and slides it over to Tia, who puts it in her purse. What does she keep in there!? I imagine myself storming over to her, ripping the purse of out her hands, opening up the purse to look at the contents, and then my face gets melted off like I looked at the Ark of the Covenant.
“Anyway, let’s continue,” Tia says with the laugh still in her chest, causing slight distortions in her voice.
“Where was I? Screw it. I’ll just start back towards the beginning. So you know how the Aztecs and the Incans were really big into human sacrifice? Well, we aren’t too sure where the Incans got the idea, but for the Aztecs, it involved Huitzilopochtli getting drunk with some priests, joking around and boasting something about blood being needed to postpone the end of days,” Tia says as I process that she is talking about one of the four main gods of the Aztec pantheon.
“He woke up the next day to find his temple had been flooded with blood. The blood just kept coming and coming so Huitzilopochtli took the blood, compressed it down, and made people with it,” I look at Tia, raising a single eyebrow in disbelief.
“What? Christians, Jews, and Muslims believe that their god made everybody out of clay, but you can’t possibly imagine that we could make a few people out of blood, which you actually have in your body?” Tia asks. Not waiting for an answer, she continues.
“It took about twenty sacrifices worth of blood to make one of these people. The people Huitzilopochtli made were given control over the blood in their bodies, which allowed them to do things like fortify their muscles to make them stronger and faster, heal quicker, and keep their blood from leaving their bodies when wounded, making them the ultimate warriors. They were made ‘Shorn Ones’ and wore blue and red face paint to distinguish themselves from the other ‘Shorn Ones,’ who wore blue and yellow. Human scholars on the Aztecs are partially right and the Shorn Ones were the most prestigious warrior society, but there is something that was incorrectly translated. They say that Shorn Ones had taken an oath not to take a step backwards in battle on penalty of death when actually it was actually the other soldiers, including the yellow Shorn Ones, that had taken an oath not to step in front of blood Shorn Ones on penalty of death as the blood warrior’s Drives made them likely to kill anything in front of them. This also made them much more likely to kill each other, but they were seen as expendable. After all, there were always more sacrifices. After the Spaniards destroyed the empire, there were few blood Shorn Ones left, so they fled and we didn’t bother tracking them down. We believe that you are descended from one of those lines or from one of the few Incan blood warriors,” Tia finishes and sits down.
“But that’s unlikely given that we kept relatively good track of the Incan blood warriors, and their lines seem to have died out in the late 1800’s,” Kira adds.
After the rather unexplainable happenings of the last few days, and the crazy events of my life overall, I’m not at all reluctant to accept any of this, or really that surprised.
“Why has it been acting up so much recently?” I ask.
“Well, you know those pills you take for ADD?” Tia asks. You mean the ones that I left on my night stand at my apartment? I nod the affirmative.
“They’re not for ADD. You don’t even have ADD, which is a good thing because mixing amphetamines and large quantities of alcohol isn’t a good idea. The pills were to keep your Drives in check. Eric adjusted the dose after the Dwight thing without you knowing and the situation was fine for five years after that,” Tia replies.
“Well, why have they stopped working?” I ask.
“It might have something to do with said ‘large quantities of alcohol,’ but it is most likely a natural tolerance that built up,” Tia answers. I’m about to complain, but Kira stands up and interrupts me.
“Now to get to the current situation. The Norse are trying to bring about Ragnarok to destroy the world so they can create a new one as they see fit. I say the Norse, but intelligence suggest that Loki is now running the show as both Odin and Thor are dead. Illapa betrayed us and gave Loki certain sensitive information, the location of this base for one, in exchange for Thor’s old position as the new Norse thunder god. He is also the reason that Inti/ Eric is dead. There is most likely going to be a bit of a power struggle in our Faction now that the head is gone, which is exactly what Loki wanted, and that is exactly what he is going to get. Now, none of this next part leaves the room,” Kira says.
“What makes us trustworthy? Why would you trust anyone when one of your own already betrayed you?” I ask Kira after remembering that Illapa is the Incan thunder god.
“I trust Dagda because the Tuatha De Danann have had this feud with the Norse since the 900’s and because Loki can’t offer him the same thing he offered Illapa. Loki didn’t off Odin only to have him be replaced by someone else. He wanted power. As for Tia, Eric trusted her with your and Chezarei’s safe keeping so I trust her too,” Kira answers in a business-like tone.
“Moving on. We are going to simulate a power struggle. Tia, as the Aztec pantheon’s representative, I need you to contact Huitzilopochtli and let him know about the simulated power struggle. I trust him for the same reason that I trust Dagda, Cole. He needs to come to the new base’s location before anyone else arrives and sit in the head chair. This will make it appear that he has decided to take power of The Faction. I will storm in after several people are here and start arguing with Huitzilopochtli. This will look like a natural result of Inti’s death. Dagda, I need you to come in last like you always do, and ask someone what is going on. Once someone tells you that it’s a power struggle, I want you to throw your hat in, figuratively speaking. This will create the illusion of one giant mess that should make Loki underestimate us, lulling him into a false sense of assurance and giving him the illusion that he can easily obtain Chezarei so he will be less likely to come for her in force.”
“Whoa! What does any of this have to do with Cheza?” I interrupt.
“She’s the key to Ragnarok, Cole,” Kira replies.
I look over at Cheza as her eyes go wide in surprise. She looks up at me with an expression that says something like, “Aw, I’m the key? I don’t wanna be the key! Can I not be the key, Cole?” While staying quiet like she normally does around people she doesn’t know well.
“What do you mean, Cheza’s the key?” I ask Kira warily.
“We don’t know the details, but Chezarei has to be killed in a certain location on the tent
h of June to start Ragnarok,” Kira says.
“That means we have just over six weeks to get you trained to the point where you can protect her, Cole,” Tia says.
“Why am I going to be the one protecting her? Wouldn’t it be a smarter idea for another god to protect her?” I ask.
I’m not at all reluctant to help Cheza, but I don’t know how much good I will be in a fight against a god…
“We’ll have all hands set up to protect her once it gets closer to the date. Loki is most likely planning on taking Chezarei within a day of the tenth so that we won’t have the time to wage a campaign to get her back. He probably won’t come for her before then because it would make killing off Inti completely pointless as we would put a pin in the political bullshit to get Chezarei back. It only makes sense for him to have The Faction in turmoil up until it’s too late for us to do anything about it,” Kira explains.
“Of course, but you can still help once you’ve been trained. We just need to get you to the point where you can fight the average soldiers on an equal level,” Tia adds.
“Well, can’t I just rely on the Protector Drive? It always seems to kick in whenever Cheza is in trouble,” I point out while looking at Cheza, who seems to have blanched, but it is hard to tell against her complexion.
“No! You can’t do that!” Tia exclaims. “Every time you use a Drive, it slowly takes over your mind. We don’t know exactly how many times, but using any Drive too many times isn’t safe.”
I glance over at Cheza, who is looking at me with concern etched across her face.
“What do you mean not safe?” I ask, knowing that in a few moments, I will most likely wish I hadn’t.
“That depends on the Drive. I’ll skip the messy details, but both the Adroit and Survival Drives end in your death. If the Protector Drive is used too many times, you become loyal only to what you were protecting last and completely devoid of free will,” Tia says.
“What, so I’d turn into some kind of puppy?” I ask as I imagine myself on all fours, naked except for a dog collar, while my face is in the silhouette of an ass.
That Which is Unexpected Page 7