by S. Young
Once we administered the cure to Haydyn, I could think about my feelings for Wolfe. Talk them over with her. Decide what the best course of action would be.
I just needed time.
Wolfe was not a mind reader. He didn’t know my reason for rejecting him; he just knew I had.
He clipped orders at me like I was one of his men and snapped at me when I dared to wander away from the Guard when we took our lunch break. I was exhausted by the tension between us, and my chest ached every time I saw that damnable hurt in the back of his eyes.
When we crossed the border into Sabithia and began traveling through Lumberland, pain squeezed my temples from all the overthinking. Despite my resolve to put aside my worries over Wolfe until we returned to Silvera, all the questions kept whirling around in my head. Moreover, I was anxious to return to Haydyn.
My head was throbbing by the time we came upon the village of Woodmill again. Wolfe sidled his horse next to Midnight.
“Lieutenant Chaeron, perhaps you can speak with Mr. Dena regarding accommodation for Lady Rogan.”
Chaeron grinned at Wolfe’s pointed dismissal and trotted off ahead of the Guard, dismounting as Jac Dena came out of his factory to greet him.
“Rogan,” Wolfe said so softly, so gently, I had to turn to him.
Expecting to see pain and panic in his eyes, I was surprised to see angry determination. I knew that look. It was the look he wore when he wanted something and refused to back down until he got it.
“What?” I asked warily.
“Not marrying me … that means some time in the future, you’ll marry someone else. I will marry someone else.”
Jealousy scored a vicious talon across my heart. I lowered my eyes. “I have no intention of marrying anyone, Wolfe. That’s what I was trying to explain earlier.”
“But I’ll marry, Rogan. I must. For the title. And I want a family. Could you stand to watch me marry someone else?” His voice deepened. “Because I will.”
I thought how painful it had been when I’d suspected he’d bedded Winter. If he married, I’d have to go through that pain every single day. I glared up at him now, my cheeks flushed with rage. “Why are you doing this? It’s cruel.”
Wolfe searched my face for a long moment and then he nodded. “It’s only cruel if you feel for me how I feel for you.”
I glanced away. This wasn’t the time or the place to explain why I couldn’t marry him.
Snapping his stallion’s reins, Wolfe took off to meet up with Chaeron and Dena, leaving me on Midnight. If I didn’t marry him, mayhap he’d marry Winter.
I struggled to draw breath.
But my fear of losing Wolfe couldn’t distract me from the truth.
Marrying him might mean losing myself.
And I’d just finally found her.
Although the Denas’ sons were on their best behavior, dinner was awful. I pushed my food around my plate, not able to eat under the heavy emotional weight I carried. It didn’t help that Wolfe hadn’t taken his eyes off me the entire meal. The Denas had been surprised and honored to have Wolfe sit at their table, but I would have given anything for Chaeron’s easy company. I was grateful when dinner was over and enough time had passed for it to be polite to retire to my room.
This time I slept in the extra bedroom by myself. Or tried to sleep. I sat huddled on the bed, my brain refusing to succumb to sleep as I went over and over Wolfe’s warning.
What would Haydyn say? I worried my lip.
I shook my head, snorting out loud. Haydyn was a romantic. I knew exactly what she’d say. She’d tell me to throw off all my concerns.
On the one hand, there was the pain I’d experience when I inevitably began to resent my life as a bored society wife. Never mind the fact that I was still terrified that by marrying him, I’d only grow to love him more deeply and then inevitably lose him in some way.
On the other hand, there was the pain I’d experience watching Wolfe live his life with another woman. To see him with the children she’d bear.
Or, back to the first hand: I could just tell Wolfe that marrying him would be dependent upon him agreeing that I remain at Haydyn’s side to help her govern. He would not like it. I didn’t know any nobleman who would not be affronted by the idea of a wife who worked. A wife was supposed to look after the household and rear the children. I would, of course, try to be a good mother, but the household would have to be maintained by either Wolfe’s mother or the housekeeper.
Wolfe would never agree to it.
You could ask him.
And have him reject my proposal? Reject me?
Surely it would hurt less to be the one who did the rejecting from the outset?
I growled in frustration. “This is it, Rogan. You’ve managed to overcome the fact that he’s the son of the man who killed your family, but you cannot overcome your own fears?”
I was a coward.
How could I be a coward after all I’d gone through?
Yes, there had been moments during this entire rescue mission that I’d fumbled and hated myself for. But I retrieved the plant! I escaped ruthless gypsies, dirty rookery thugs, and a perverted mountain man, and saved L’s life to boot! I’d even brought two star-crossed lovers together. I had faced a great deal in my life. How could I not find the courage to do the simplest thing of all …
To love Wolfe.
To trust him.
I loved Wolfe.
I loved Wolfe …
It be as simple as that, I heard L’s smirking, know-it-all voice in my head.
At the sound of the door handle rattling, I froze. When it rattled again, I slid one leg out of bed, thinking of the hunting knife I still carried in my pack. Just as my foot touched the cold wooden floor, the door opened and shut quickly. A familiar shadowed figure leaned against it.
“Wolfe?” I whispered, half-relieved, half-stunned.
The floorboards creaked as he tiptoed over to the bed. Then he slid in next to me without even asking permission!
“Wolfe.” I tried to act outraged but my body hummed with anticipation.
His eyes sparkled in the light from the moon outside the window, and he grinned at me, playfully yanking me under him. My cry of surprise was swallowed by his mouth.
Trust him.
In the morning I would tell him my worries and chance his rejection. Otherwise I’d regret it for the rest of my life.
I smiled against his lips and kissed him back. When he took a breath, I caressed his face with my fingertips. There was a little drop of eternal fear inside me that would always worry that one day he might disappear. I had to accept that and stop letting it govern my life.
Pushing thoughts of it away, I flashed Wolfe a saucy smile. “What made you think I’d be amenable to you sneaking into my room?”
Wolfe grinned wickedly. “I hoped perhaps I’d finally gotten through to you. And … I don’t know.” He frowned. “Something told me you wanted me here.”
My lips parted in shocked realization. “Your magic? Can you read my mind now?”
He laughed against my cheek and whispered seductively in my ear. “No. Intuition again.” He nibbled my earlobe and I shivered. “I gather my intuition assumed correctly? You want me here?”
I gasped as sensation rippled through my belly. Fierce need flooded me. “What do you think?” I replied, pushing him onto his back to straddle him. “I’m not throwing you out, am I?”
Wolfe looked guilty as he leaned over me after our lovemaking. I reached out to smooth his furrowed brow. “What?”
He exhaled slowly. “You might be carrying my child, Rogan. You have to marry me now.”
The truth was, I wanted a life with him, even at the risk of losing everything we would build together. I could doubt myself and the choices I had made in this life, but deep down, I had always prided myself on the fact that I wasn’t a weak-willed person.
I wasn’t a coward.
Not yesterday. Not today. And definitely not tomorrow.<
br />
But I did need to start having more faith in people. “I need to speak with you first.”
Wolfe nodded solemnly and sat down on the bed beside me.
Our eyes locked, and I prayed he would prove himself the man I believed him to be. Or at least hoped he could be. “If we were to marry, you must not be under any illusions that I would be a typical society wife, Wolfe. I have a duty to Haydyn and to Phaedra, and it is an essential part of who I am. If we marry, I would not spend my days running our household. I would be at the palace, at Haydyn’s side, helping her govern.”
He studied me with heated intensity. “And what about children?”
Hope bloomed. He had not outright rejected my plans. “I would want children with you. And I would try to be a good mother. But I would still wish to work at the palace as an advisor to the kralovna, if Haydyn wished for me to do so.”
Wolfe nodded thoughtfully. “It would be unusual and not well looked upon for a vikomtesa to have duties outside of what society deems appropriate.”
I exhaled heavily. “I know.”
He smirked. “It’s a good thing, then, that I couldn’t give a damn what society deems appropriate.”
“Really?” I whispered, unsure I’d heard him right.
He clasped my face in his hands. “I love you, Rogan. I love how protective of Haydyn you are, and I admire how much Phaedra means to you despite everything it’s taken from you. I could not ask you to give up who you are when it is the very reason I want you.”
Tears brimmed in my eyes. “You promise?”
“I promise, my darling. I promise. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.” His eyes glowed with the fire of his passion. “Now say you will marry me, Lady Rogan, and put me out of this infernal misery.”
I laughed softly, clutching at his shirt to bring him closer. “Yes.”
“You’ll marry me?”
“Yes.”
His answering kiss was so deep and hungry, when he broke it, I panted for breath. He rested his hand over my chest so my heart thumped against his palm. “Am I in here then, Rogan?”
I realized that I hadn’t reciprocated those three little words.
I nodded and covered his hand with mine. “I love you.”
At my quietly spoken declaration, Wolfe’s eyes closed, relief softening his features, his whole face growing younger before my very eyes.
I suddenly remembered he was only twenty-five years old.
A tension I hadn’t even known was there visibly melted out of his body. Wolfe opened his eyes again. “I love you too. I have ever since you punched Niall Tromskin in the nose for pushing Valena in the courtyard and making her cry.”
My jaw dropped at the revelation. “I was but fourteen!”
“I know.” He swept his thumb across my cheek, his expression, his touch making me feel cherished. “I have loved you for a very long time.”
Chapter 32
With our love declared and our engagement decided, we galloped toward Silvera with renewed determination. I think Chaeron suspected something had happened between me and Wolfe. To be fair, I think the entire Guard suspected, considering we kept sharing intimate smiles.
Now all I wanted was for Haydyn to be well. If I saved her, somehow managed to banish my nightmares of the mountain man, and convinced her to withdraw the evocation and reform Phaedra, then everything would be almost perfect.
I was glad when Wolfe spent the nights with me. He was furious about my nightmares—or the cause of the nightmares—and I’d worried it would only remind him that I hadn’t trusted him before. But Wolfe didn’t throw my foolishness in my face. Instead he soothed me back to sleep and held me tight in his arms. The nightmares didn’t go away. I wasn’t sure they would for a while, but at least when I woke up, I wasn’t alone.
Wolfe snuck into my room at Mag’s Inn in Sabith Town, and as he tiptoed toward the bed, his eyes were so filled with mischief and happiness, he looked more boy than man. I wondered, then, if we’d ever grow weary of another. I also wondered about his other women but was too afraid to bring up the subject for fear it would only hurt me. And it seemed pointless, anyhow, now that I knew he loved me.
“You know,” Wolfe mused as he pressed kisses across my stomach, “I think I’m starting to miss you arguing with me.”
I huffed. “That can be easily remedied, Captain.”
I felt him grin against my skin. “Mmm. I imagine it could.” He looked up abruptly, frowning. “One thing I keep wondering about …”
“Mmm?”
“You’ve stopped objecting to being called Lady Rogan.”
I nodded, stroking my fingers through his hair as he crawled up my body. He braced himself above me. “Perhaps I’ve come to the conclusion that you are right. I am a lady. I’ve been raised a lady, despite circumstances of birth.”
“Finally, you see the wisdom in agreeing with me,” he teased.
“Just because you came to this realization before I did—”
“That’s not why I insisted on calling you Lady Rogan.”
I frowned. “Why, then?”
Instead of answering, he kissed me—a deep, sexual, voracious kiss that had me undulating beneath him, ready for more. “I insisted on it”—he breathed raggedly—“because one day, I knew you were going to be my wife and I wanted you accustomed to being called Lady Rogan.”
“You’re lying,” I panted. “How could you possibly know that, especially considering our past?”
“I didn’t have to know.” Those aquamarine eyes blazed down at me, all masculine arrogance and determination. “I always get what I want, Rogan. Always.”
“And what about what I want?”
Wolfe pressed a soft, tender kiss to my lips, the arrogance giving way to deep sincerity. “I’ll always give you what you want, Rogan. Always.”
We arrived in Silvera with a fierce burst of renewed energy. I galloped by Wolfe’s side, Chaeron and the men at our backs, as we tore through the city, through the marketplace and out past the palace to the cliffs. We ignored the cries of surprise and shock as we forced people from our paths. The Silverans watched with troubled countenance as we raced by them. While Chaeron drew the Guard to a halt in the palace courtyard, Wolfe and I continued on.
We made haste beyond the palace, out onto the rough trail that led us to the cliff side. Our horses kept their footing and made the half-hour journey to the Land’s End cottage in twenty minutes. Both our horses’ coats were thick with sweat, our own clothes plastered to our skin by the time we arrived.
I dismounted so fast, I nearly fell, and I ignored Wolfe’s yell of concerned admonishment as I thrust open the door to the cottage. Rowan, who stood in the hallway, startled, almost dropping the tray of sandwiches in her hands.
“Lady Rogan!” she gasped, her eyes alight with relief. “You’ve returned.”
“Where is she?” I demanded. There was no time for pleasantries.
“Upstairs.” Rowan jerked the tray toward the narrow stairwell. “Valena is with—”
“Rogan!” Raj appeared in the doorway to the sitting room just as Wolfe entered the cottage. The healer hurried toward me. “You have it?”
I held up the pack. “I have it.”
My heart pounded hard as we hurried up the stairwell to the large bedroom Haydyn loved. It was the view. She loved a view. The wide window captured the Silver Sea like a frame around a master painting created by nature.
I hugged Valena when she threw herself at me, and my eyes drank in the sight of Haydyn.
I felt a raw, choking burn in my throat at how pale and slight she appeared lying on the bed, her moon-colored hair spread across the pillow. “Oh, haven,” I whispered. “She looks—”
“You’re in time, Lady Rogan,” Raj reassured me, removing the blue plant from the pack. He breathed a sigh of relief and then turned to us all. “I hate to ask it of you, but I need time alone with the princezna to do this. I’ll require Valena’s help, of course.”
> I didn’t want to leave. That old stubbornness of mine wrapped around my legs, gluing them to the floor. Wolfe, however, slid his arm around my shoulders to draw me away, and it was only then I saw Matai standing by the door. He gestured for me to follow him out of the room.
“Matai,” I mumbled as Wolfe guided me downstairs in a daze. I was exhausted. It felt as if my body might just float up into the air and drift away on the wind.
Before it could, Matai enveloped me in a tight hug. “Thank you, Rogan,” he whispered in my ear, hoarsely, grief and worry and heartache soaking every word. “Thank you so much.”
I gave him a watery smile and let Wolfe draw me back into his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder as we waited.
“We’re betrothed,” Wolfe told Matai.
“What?” Matai choked. “Dear haven, has the world gone topsy-turvy?”
“Actually, yes,” I replied, turning my head on Wolfe’s chest to meet Matai’s gaze. “You should see it out there, Lord Matai. What a mess.”
“We’ll fix it,” Wolfe insisted, rubbing his hand up and down my back.
“I hope so.”
Matai lowered himself into a chair. He looked weary. “Tell me all that happened.”
I put it down to Haydyn’s love for the dramatic that instead of Raj coming down to tell us she was cured, a tousled blond head peeped around the door frame of the sitting room, followed by a stunning face blooming with color.
“Haydyn!” I screeched like a little girl, pulling from Wolfe’s embrace to rush to my best friend. She squealed and crossed the room to meet me halfway. As we shook in each other’s arms, crying somewhat hysterically, no one would have guessed that the princezna of Phaedra had only hours before been moments from death.
I pulled away, barely able to see her through my tears. “Look at you! Should you be out of bed?”
“Not really,” Raj opined from the doorway, his eyebrows drawn together in consternation.