“I’ve learned not to underestimate the three sisters. They’ll find it.”
With a nod, she turned from the altar and started shelving a few reference books left in a cart nearby.
“While we’re waiting for the scrolls, there’s something I want to ask you.” He lowered his voice. “Why didn’t you tell me you were orphaned? You told me your dad helped you animate your creation when you were nine. Marjory said you were orphaned that year. What happened?”
Her gaze shifted away from his, and she dusted her hands over the leather spine of one of the books. “It wasn’t pertinent to our mission. Why would I tell you?”
“The kissing and other things weren’t pertinent to our mission either, but you seemed to have time for that.”
Leena’s eyes narrowed, and she looked over both shoulders. “Shhh. Please. Colin, please don’t tell anyone what we’ve done.”
She looked as if she might cry, and he knew she meant more than the kissing. And didn’t that make him feel like a total ass? “I’m not going to tell anyone, okay? I just… I thought we were friends. We talked about things other than the scroll and the orbs. We’ve spent weeks together.”
Her face fell. She finished with the books and braced herself on the table. “It’s not something I like to talk about.”
Colin couldn’t stand the pain he saw in her eyes despite being curious about the cause. “I understand. I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me. If I had the option of keeping the actions of my murderous mother a secret, believe me, I would.”
She frowned, seeming to roll that over in her mind. “It’s not a secret. In fact, the year it happened, everyone knew. But I don’t want to talk about it. It isn’t a happy topic of conversation.” Leena glared at him, her hands landing on her hips. “I’d like to talk about something else. What did you say to the high lord to make him demand I remain on this mission?”
Chapter Seventeen
Leena’s head felt hot. She wanted answers. Every instinct told her Ambassador Rajesh’s insistence she remain on this assignment was somehow because of Colin. The way he’d looked at her in front of the high lord… Had he said something to him? Asked for a favor? Colin wanted her. He’d made that perfectly clear. The problem was, she wanted him too. That was precisely why she needed distance.
“Admit it. You are the reason my Quanling won’t name a replacement.” Leena focused all the anger she’d felt since the ball into the point of her stare.
Colin gaped. “Of course not!”
“No? You said nothing about needing me specifically? Because our ambassador said the high lord and lady thought I was indispensable. What exactly would give them that idea?”
A low growl emanated from Colin’s throat. “You are important to this mission.”
“You admit it! Knowing full well I desired to be released from this assignment, you intentionally made it so that I couldn’t go. You did this on purpose, Colin.”
He smiled, or was he baring his teeth? “Why would I do a thing like that?”
She scoffed. “You know why.”
Colin approached until the scent of leather and spice permeated the shelves around her. She backed up a step, but he kept coming, and she kept retreating until her backside bumped against one of the library’s tables at the end of the row. He stopped so close to her she could feel his radiant heat.
“Colin…” She shook her head.
He leaned in and said, “I never asked the high lord or lady to keep you on this mission. I wanted to. I’ve made no effort to hide that I want you to be mine. My inner dragon reminds me of it constantly.”
His lips were close, and she could feel his breath against her cheek. Heat coursed through her body, her torso, circulating out each of her limbs and settling heavily in her core. Why did he affect her like this? She should move away. She swallowed but couldn’t make her legs work. “You know I can’t.”
“See, you keep saying that, but the truth is that your body is communicating something else. You were the one who kissed me—”
“That was a mistake—”
“It didn’t feel like a mistake in the tent.”
“I wanted to try it. Nothing more. You said you understood.”
“I do understand. And if that’s all you want, it’s okay with me, dancing queen. It’s just I’m not convinced you really believe that. When you forced me to dance with you, you said—”
“I was high on snail venom!”
“High or not, you stared at my lips just as you’re doing now. Are you wondering if I’ll kiss you this time?”
Damn it all, she was staring at his lips. She snapped her gaze back up to his eyes and gripped the table behind her until her knuckles hurt. “Where else am I supposed to stare? You’re right in front of me.”
He sighed. Only the slightest space remained between them. She could feel the heat coming off him. Any closer and he might brush against the hardened tips of her breasts. His lips might touch hers.
“So then, you don’t want me to kiss you?”
“If you did, I couldn’t stop you.”
His eyes narrowed to slits, and the heat she felt earlier turned icy as he moved away from her. “I’d never force myself on you. Don’t insult me. And I did not ask anyone to keep you on this mission against your will.”
“I… Of course you wouldn’t. I just don’t understand why you keep… tempting me.”
“Then you are tempted.”
“I am. I’ve told you as much.” She looked away, her brow furrowing as she attempted to intellectualize what she was feeling. “I think all scribes are tempted at one time or another. But with the help of the goddess, we don’t have to give in to our temptations.”
“No, we don’t.”
The scrolls she’d ordered manifested on the altar. She moved to get them, but Colin held up a hand. “Make yourself comfortable. You’re the only one who can read these things. The least I can do is carry them over to the table.”
Nothing about this situation was comfortable for Leena, but she took a seat at one of the large library tables. Colin gathered the scrolls carefully in his arms and brought them to her. She chose one and scanned the contents but struggled to concentrate on the words.
What was she looking for again? Graves. Which graves were constructed within the years relevant to their search? She shuffled the scrolls in front of her and found the one she was looking for, unrolling it on the desk.
“I have the list of graves. Unfortunately, the notes say there was a plague that year. Firesickness. Curable now, but it killed hundreds then. The library found over five hundred crypts registered within the years we’ve time-boxed.”
“Goddess, this is hopeless.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair.
She’d always known it was a long shot. “I’ll keep rereading the history. I might find a clue in the other writings about Medea and Tavyss. There are several perspectives here. Maybe with context, we can narrow it down. Otherwise, we wait for the three sisters.”
“And hope they return before the first shots are fired.”
“Anyway, you should go. I can do this alone. You can’t read Elvish, so…”
He didn’t go anywhere. She stared at him. He stared back.
“Do you think the reason you wanted to experiment with me was because you were orphaned as a child and never had an adulthood outside the temple?”
She tipped her head back and groaned. “Not this again.”
“I’m curious.” Colin pulled up a chair across the desk from her and sat down. “And considering I’m the one you experimented with, I think you owe me an explanation.”
Maybe he was right about that. She had used him. Even if he was willing, she’d taken what she needed and given him little back. Only, her family history was a secret she would have liked to keep buried forever. She still didn’t understand why her Quanling had shared that she’d been orphaned. She must have realized that Colin would be curious, that she’d feel pressured to tell the rest of t
he story.
She didn’t want to talk about this. She never wanted to think about it. But it crossed her mind that this might be a lifeline from the goddess herself. If she told Colin the truth about her past, he might understand why she wasn’t a suitable mate. If she could push him away, he’d be so much easier to resist. Telling the truth might make it simpler for both of them.
Leena frowned. “Marjory told you I was orphaned at nine and that’s why I came to the temple. That is only partially true. Strictly speaking, I’m not an orphan at all. My mother is still alive.”
“Then why were you left here?”
“The year I was nine, my mother was pregnant with my little brother.” Leena shifted, hating this story. It was best to get it out. Get it over with. “The animus competition I told you about was the last significant time I spent with my father. The day after, my mother went into labor. The midwife was called, but there was something wrong. Something was wrong with the baby.”
Leena swallowed, the library melting away, replaced by a memory of hiding in the room that used to be hers and listening to her mother scream. Her heart thudded in her ears. “My brother died in the womb, and the midwife had to use magic to help my mother expel his body. But the pain and anguish, it drove my mother mad. There’s a rare condition among my kind, a mental break that occurs in some women who experience this. Her body and her mind could not handle my brother’s loss.”
It was so quiet in the library she could hear her breath flow from her lungs. Colin held deathly still on the other side of the desk, his face impassive.
“My father and the midwife tried to comfort her, tried to give her herbs to help her recover, but the midwife had made a fatal mistake. She’d left one of her tools, a special blade she’d used to help extract the infant, and my mother took hold of it.”
“I wasn’t in the room. I didn’t see what happened next. All I knew was that the midwife ran into my room, her clothes soaked in blood, and swept me from the house. I tried to protest, but when archers were called, I knew whatever had happened was serious. Later I learned that my mother had stabbed and killed my father and then turned the knife on herself.”
She watched Colin carefully, waiting for any reaction. She expected shock. She didn’t want his pity. Any normal person would want to distance themselves from her and her awful past. But his face remained expressionless and attentive. Damn it. She’d have to tell him the rest.
“The midwife kept me at her house for a few days, and then the authorities brought me here. I was led to believe both my parents had died. From that day on, I grew up here in the temple. I’ve been happy here. I feel loved.”
“Marjory is a true mother to you, then.” He studied her, nothing but kindness and empathy in his expression.
“She is. But when I was sixteen, she told me that before I took my oath to become a scribe, it was important I know all the facts. She wanted me to be sure. I couldn’t devote myself fully to the goddess until I knew the entire truth about who I was and how I’d come to be here. Because even though I thought the temple was my only choice, it wasn’t. I could have left if I wanted to.”
“Where could you have gone?” Colin asked. There was a note of disbelief in his voice.
“There’s a place just outside Asfolk that we call the Borough. It spans a city block and is constructed of simple dwellings financed by the high lord to support elves who can’t support themselves. I am told that the people who end up there are often elderly, ill, or are physically or mentally unfit.” Elves lived a few hundred years, short lives compared to dragons. Leena wondered how much she should explain. “I suppose dragons do not have such a place, being immortal as you are.”
Colin scratched the side of his jaw. “But we do. Immortal we may be, and physical deficiencies are extremely rare among our kind, but we are not immune to mental problems. Dragons tend to be obsessive about things, some to the point of becoming destructive. We have homes and caregivers that specialize in the condition. A few witches who live permanently in Paragon have had success healing their minds.”
She nodded. “Then you do understand that the people in the Borough have terrible personal problems, some that they were born with, some that they bring upon themselves. As it turns out, my mother did not die from her injuries as my father did.”
Confusion muddled Colin’s expression. “What happened to her?”
She stared down at the scroll in front of her. “My mother stood trial for the murder of my father. She was found to be insane and institutionalized in the Borough. She was unfit to care for me, which is why I was brought here.”
She hazarded a glance at Colin. There it was. That was what she was waiting for. Horror darkened his gray eyes. Now was the time to drive the stake home.
“Marjory took me to the Borough to visit my mother. We found her living in a filthy block of concrete with a straw bed. She’s cared for there, but there isn’t an ounce of luxury. It’s a hard life. Harder than here in the temple, even with our oath to live simply.
“I don’t know what I expected. In retrospect, she hadn’t seen me since I was nine. But we looked so much alike I couldn’t help but recognize her. We visited for a time under the guise of scribes interested in the happenings there. And then, at my Quanling’s prodding, I introduced myself.”
Leena locked eyes with Colin. “My mother admitted she’d recognized me the moment I’d walked into the room, but all she saw was my father in me. She said she should have killed me too when she had the chance.”
“Goddess, Leena, that’s awful. I—”
“It is where I come from. The only reason I am alive, well cared for, at peace, is because of this temple and the goddess. The people here are my family now. I took my oath soon after that, willingly. I wanted to be part of this. I wanted to remain here always, sheltered from that terrible life I saw in her eyes.”
“It scarred you. You were young. Seeing her must have been traumatic.”
“Here, I have love, I have acceptance, I have safety. I belong here.”
Colin stood and paced across the library, the scar on his arm looking especially red in the lamplight. “But you don’t have freedom.”
“What? Why would you say that? I am free.”
He turned back to her, his gray eyes glowing deep red with intensity. Those were the eyes of his dragon, she realized. And when he spoke, his voice was lower, grittier than before. “If you were completely happy here, completely free, you wouldn’t have kissed me, or invited my touch, or wanted to dance as you did. You wouldn’t look at me the way you do.”
She shrugged and shook her head. “Curiosity. That is all. Nothing more.”
“That’s not true. You meant it. There was more behind our interactions than just testing the waters.”
Leena brought her fist down on the table. “Don’t you understand? Before Aeaea when I met your siblings, I’d never witnessed couples showing love to one another as an adult—never with a mind for understanding it. When you come across something for the first time, you want to experience it. Think about it. The first time you were here, didn’t you want to gaze into a sacred pool or call up a scroll from the stacks?”
Colin’s mouth turned into a cynical slash. “True. I was curious. But I didn’t grab you and force you to show me those things. I didn’t lose myself to the experience of being a scribe.”
“I didn’t—”
He slashed a hand through the air. “I can’t say what you felt or what you thought, but I do know one thing—you chose me. You didn’t experiment with another elf, or a nymph, or ask one of my brothers to help you.”
“They have mates. I would never—”
“You may not have experience with the opposite sex, Leena, but I do. And what happened between us was a culmination of something more, something that has been growing since I first set foot in this temple. You know it and I know it.”
She took a deep breath. She did know it, or maybe she suspected it. Whenever she was near him, she f
elt a tug deep within her, drawing her to him. And if she was being honest, it was more than physical. She preferred his company to all others. It was why she needed distance. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, remembering their weeks together. “No. I’m sorry. It wasn’t that for me.”
He stared at her and shook his head.
“You should go to bed. I’ll skim through these scrolls and let you know what I find.”
He knew she was lying. She could tell by the way his head tipped to one side and his eyes narrowed at the corners. Colin leaned toward her, the tension between them growing to epic levels. Her senses were overwhelmed with his leather-and-spice scent.
“You know what I think?” The hint of his dragon she’d noticed in his eyes earlier gave way to a softer gray as he seemed to regain his cool composure. “I think you told me about your parents because you thought it would push me away. You thought it would make you an undesirable mate.”
Her gaze drifted away from his, her chest heavy with how close he’d come to the truth. How did he know? How could he tell?
“But I am a man whose mother murdered his father. My parents all but ignored me, forced me to fight in the pits of Paragon, forced my siblings and me into hiding. And it is my psychopathic mother we are going to war against.”
Leena leaned back, suddenly feeling cold.
“Knowing you’ve had to overcome your roots only proves why we would be perfect for each other.” He raised an eyebrow. “Sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn’t make me think any less of you.”
Just a table length. All she’d have to do was lean forward, give in to this pull between them and the heat singing in her blood, and she could feel his lips again. Her face moved a half inch toward him before she realized it. She stopped, pulled back. Her eyes locked on to his. A dizzying feeling caused her to inhale deeply and her stomach to drop. The temperature in the room climbed a degree. She remembered his touch, how it had felt for his hands to coast over the hardened tips of her breasts, to do what he did before between her legs. Another quarter inch evaporated between them. The goddess could forgive one more kiss.
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