At Munson, I parked and raced into the lobby, looking around wildly before spotting the info desk. I got Skylar’s room information and headed for the elevators, but halted when one opened and Natalie stepped out.
“Sebastian.” Her blue eyes, so like Skylar’s they made my heart pump harder, went wide. “What are you doing here?”
I squared my shoulders. “You have to let me see her.”
“She’s finally sleeping. Please don’t go up there now.”
My posture deflated a little. “Are you sure she’s OK?”
“Yes.” She looked at me, chewing on her bottom lip. “You look awful. What’s going on with you guys?”
“I fucked things up.” I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, not sure why I’d just blurted that out to Skylar’s sister but oddly relieved that I did. “I fucked things up and now she’s hurt and it’s my fault.”
“What? She slipped and fell, Sebastian. She was wearing ridiculously high heels and it was raining. How can that be your fault?”
Tears formed and I pressed a thumb and two fingertips over my eyes, embarrassed. “It just is. I know it.”
“Good grief. Come on.” She took me by the elbow and turned me around. “Let’s go get a cup of coffee. It won’t be as good as mine, but maybe it’s drinkable.” I let her steer me down the hall and around two corners, then over to a table in the near empty cafeteria. Dejected, I sank into a chair. “Don’t move,” she said.
I sat with my head in my hands, and a few minutes later she came back with two steaming white styrofoam cups and set them on the table. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” She sat across from me. “Now spill. What happened?”
I shrugged and stared at my coffee. Where did I even begin?
She was quiet a minute, and I could feel her eyes on me. “I hope you don’t think she betrayed a confidence, but Skylar has mentioned your OCD to me.”
“I figured. I know you’re close.”
She picked up her coffee and blew across its surface. “Does this have anything to do with that?”
I sighed, feeling completely defeated. “Yes.”
More silence. “Do you have a therapist?”
“Yes. But I haven’t been honest with him about my relationship with Skylar.”
“Why not?”
“Because when she told me she loved me, I relapsed, and I was too scared to admit it.”
She tilted her head. “Scared of what? Don’t you love her?”
“Of course I love her. Look, I can’t even begin to explain the fucked up circuitry in my brain, but suffice it to say, I thought I was protecting her by saying nothing. By doing the things I did.” Solid thinking there, asshole.
Nodding slowly, she sipped her coffee. “What about now? Can you talk to him now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if he can help me.” I swallowed hard against the bitter bile rising in my throat, so sick and tired of that voice in my head I wanted to scream. Why wouldn’t it just leave me the fuck alone? “I don’t know if anyone can help me.”
“I’m sorry.” She leaned forward, elbows on the table. “Because Skylar is crazy in love with you, you know. Every other word out of her mouth is your name. And I don’t think she’s going to let this go.”
“I love her too. But she left me, and she was right to do it.”
“Says who?”
The voice in my head. “Me.”
“You’re right. That is fucked up.” She sounded so much like Skylar, I looked up sharply. “Sorry if that’s harsh, but I agree with you. I’m the first person to say I think Sky’s a great catch, but she’s a handful too. Ever tried to share a bathroom with her? Good grief, she’s a slob. Makeup and hair shit everywhere. And her shoe collection—my god! Good luck to any man who needs any closet space at all in her house.”
My lips tipped up a little. “Yeah. She does have a lot of shoes.”
“She’s a cover hog too. Ever notice that?”
I had, but it didn’t bother me. I’d subject myself to subzero temperatures before letting her be cold at night.
“And she’s pretty and all but have you ever seen her with her hair wet? Those funny little ears? They stick way out from her head.”
I found myself smiling at a memory—Skylar surfacing after jumping into the lake the first time we went swimming together, hands over her ears. I thought they were adorable, of course, but she hated them. “Yeah. But I actually like them.”
“What about the way she’s so obsessed with wine now? I never thought I’d get bored with wine, but Jesus, if I have to listen to her talk about grapes and soil and fruit on the palate any more, I’m going to strangle her.”
“She’s dedicated to her new job. I love that about her.”
“Well then, I’d suggest you try harder to get over feeling like you don’t deserve her, because believe me, all she wants is you, and any man that can put up with her bathroom mess and her closet hogging and cover stealing and fruit-on-the-palating and the Nixon ears…” She shrugged. “Seems like you guys should make this work.”
Miserable, I sat back in my chair and regarded Natalie. “Her faults are so small compared to mine. Mine drive us both crazy and they probably would for the rest of our lives.”
She tilted her head from side to side. “Maybe. Guess you won’t know until you try it. But nobody’s perfect, Sebastian. Give yourself a break.”
I sat there for a minute, my hands on the table, wondering what to do next. “She really doesn’t want to see me, huh?”
“No. Actually her exact words were, ‘Not until he gets his shit together. And I can’t be the one to get it together for him.’”
I frowned. She was right about that—I had to fix this on my own, if I could. But I was so worried about her. “What about her injuries? They’re not serious?”
“No. Like I said, a broken wrist and a bump on the noggin, that’s all. Since she lost consciousness briefly, they’re keeping her for observation, but she seems fine.”
The thought of her slender wrist broken and a bump on her head infuriated and saddened me. I wished there was some way I could bear the pain for her. “Is she in pain? Will her new insurance cover this? She just got benefits last month,” I worried.
Natalie scrunched up her face as she set down her cup. “Yeah, we’re waiting to hear. Our parents might have to help her out.”
My hand shot out and I grabbed her arm. “Please let me pay for it. I want to. I want to take care of her.” Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
I didn’t even feel that bad about counting it out. I’d have kept going, to infinity, but Natalie shook her head. “She’ll never let you.”
I set my elbows on the table and buried my head in my hands. I had so much work to do.
Natalie touched my wrist. “Go see your therapist, Sebastian. And try again. She’s worth it.”
“She is worth it.” I looked up at Natalie, totally sure of what I was saying. “She’s the one.”
Thirty-Four
Skylar
I woke up to the sight of Natalie reading a magazine in the chair near my bed. “Hey,” I croaked.
“Hey. You’re up.” She set her magazine aside. “How do you feel?”
I made a face, tried to shift positions. “Haven’t been this sore since I fell off the mechanical bull. Achey. Wrist hurts.” I lifted my left arm gingerly. “God, this really sucks.”
Natalie nodded sympathetically. “How’s your head?”
“Hurts. But still attached.” I tried to move my neck, which was stiff as hell. “How come you’re not at work?”
“I had Michael open for me.”
“Did you talk to Mia?”
“Yes. And Lucas and they’re both very worried about you and said not to concern yourself with anything at Abelard. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mia c
ame by here today, or by your house tomorrow, if they let you go. She wants to see you.”
I nodded, but that hurt, so I just tried to lie still. “Jeez, how stupid was that fall? Why did I have to wear those damn expensive shoes?”
Natalie laughed ruefully. “It was probably a damn expensive fall. Think your insurance will cover it?”
I groaned. “I hope so.”
“If it doesn’t, Mom and Dad will help you. Mom will be here shortly.” She was quiet for a second, fiddling with the hem of her hoodie. “Sebastian also offered to cover the bill. He was here last night.”
At the sound of his name, my breath caught. “No. I don’t want his charity.” But the offer was sweet, and so like him, although I’d never take him up on it. We were broken up, as far as I was concerned. The thought made my throat hurt. My chest. My heart. Everything.
“He wasn’t an asshole. He was very upset. He wanted to see you.”
Carefully, I turned my head to look at my sister. I could tell from her voice there was more. “What else did he say?”
She shrugged. “Not much. Just that he’d messed up. He seemed to agree with you about getting his shit together.”
“Really? He talked to you about it?” Closing my eyes, I exhaled, scared to let myself be too hopeful but wondering if maybe the things I said last night had gotten through to him. The truth was, I didn’t want to be without him in my life, and I’d do what it took to help him—but he had to let me.
“I think he was going to talk to his therapist. He said he would.”
“He did? Thank God.” Relief eased some of my pain, at least the emotional grief. Going to therapy was the best first step. My eyes filled. “He’s so hard on himself. And I was really hard on him. But I love him—and he doesn’t understand how frustrating it is for me to see him struggling silently and not know what’s in his head.”
“I don’t know what’s in his head, Skylar. But I know what’s in his heart—you are.”
My throat closed up completely, and my head began to throb with the need to cry. I closed my eyes and the tears slipped down my cheeks. “Was I wrong to walk out? Oh God, I’m awful. I should have stayed with him. Then I wouldn’t have fallen. It’s a sign I’m a horrible person after all.”
Natalie stood, grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and dabbed at my cheeks. “Stop. I don’t think you were wrong to leave. In my opinion, he needed that wake up call. And loving someone doesn’t mean you have to love everything they do. But it does mean you forgive them a little more often, a little more easily.”
I sniffed. “I once told him I’d give him all the chances he needed, and he called me a fool.”
“We’re all fools for love, aren’t we?” Her voice was wistful.
I looked up at her. “Things aren’t any better with Dan?” Last I’d heard, he’d admitted to a flirtation at the office, but nothing more.
“I don’t know. I guess they are. He claims the fling or whatever it was is over and begged for another chance, and we do have a lot of history. I don’t want to just throw that away.” She sat on the edge of the bed and chewed her lip a moment. “But I also don’t want history to be the only reason to give him another chance. When I see you talk about Sebastian, when I listened to him talk about you, when I saw the expression on his face when he said you were the one, I—“
“Wait, what? What did he say?” I didn’t mean to interrupt Natalie’s thought, and I did care deeply about her feelings, but I couldn’t just let her gloss over that. Had I even heard her right? My head was so foggy.
“He said you were the one.” Her face contorted with worry. She put her hands on her head. “Oh god, I hope I didn’t just blow what was supposed to be a really nice moment between the two of you by telling you that. He’s never said that to you before?”
“No,” I said slowly, my heart beating fast. Wasn’t the one kind of a forever thing? “He doesn’t believe in the one. Plus it’s an odd number. He hates those.”
“What?” She dropped her hands, her expression confused.
“Never mind. Just one of the quirks that makes Sebastian who he is.” But right then, I actually found his number quirks kind of endearing. “So he really said that?”
She nodded. “Yes. He definitely said, ‘She’s the one.’ But you can’t tell him I told you first!” Her eyes were wide and panicked.
“It’s OK. I won’t.” I pursed my lips. “But he better fucking say it to me eventually. Or I’ll be the one that got away.” Inside my heart was tripping over itself—the one! the one! the one!
Natalie laughed. “Somehow, I doubt that. Give him a little time, sis. He wants to make things right.”
A nurse popped in to take my vitals, so Natalie got off the bed. “Don’t go, Nat. I want to hear the rest of what you were saying about Dan.”
She sat on the chair again and stayed with me all morning until my mother relieved her. Some time during the afternoon, I was cleared for release and sent home with lots of pain meds and instructions to take it easy. My mother took me back to her house and insisted I stay there, even though I was a little desperate for some alone time. But it was nice to be fussed over and catered to, I’ll admit. She made spaghetti and meatballs for me, which I ate on a tray table at my cozy spot on the couch. Jillian came over with honey sticks, chocolate chip cookies, and my favorite shampoo and conditioner, and after dinner she helped me wash and dry my hair, then gave me a foot massage on the couch while I ate sweets and watched a Tiger game on TV with my dad.
I checked my phone only once and saw messages from Mia and Kelly Pryce, who must have heard about my fall from Sebastian, but there was nothing from him. Trying not to feel disappointed, I put my phone away and tried to enjoy the time with my family, despite my aching head and sore arm.
But before I fell into a drug-induced deep sleep that night in my old bed, I fretted that he’d change his mind about me and go back to thinking that a relationship was just too much work, even if I was the one.
Thirty-Five
Sebastian
“I’ve been lying to you.”
Ken took my characteristic bluntness in stride, regarding me silently, waiting for me to go on. If he was alarmed, he didn’t show it, nor did his expression betray any surprise at what I’d announced. He had to know something was up—I’d never asked him to come in on a Saturday before.
“And I canceled all of last month’s appointments to avoid facing the truth.” Perched at the edge of the couch, I slid my hands up and down the tops of my legs, anxious about making this confession but knowing it had to be done.
“I was worried about that.” He looked at me intently. “Did you have a relapse?”
“Yes. For months now, I’ve been backsliding.”
He reached for his notepad and clicked his ballpoint pen. “Intrusive thoughts?”
“Yes. And the rituals. And anxiety, the worst anxiety I’ve ever felt.”
He made a note and flipped back a few pages. “Months, you said? About when did this start?”
“August twenty-fifth.”
Ken looked up. “What triggered it?”
“Skylar told me she loved me.” For a second, I blamed Skylar for telling me she loved me for the first time on an odd day. Didn’t she know nothing good happened to me on odd days?
“And what about that was traumatic for you?”
I ran a shaky hand through my hair. “The weight of it. The responsibility.”
He made another note. “Tell me about the responsibility of loving someone.”
God, didn’t he understand me at all? “It’s not the responsibility of loving someone. Loving her is easy. It’s effortless.” I took a breath and tried to put into words how I felt. “It’s the responsibility that comes with letting someone love you. It means you’re beholden to that love. You have to nurture that love.”
“You have to deserve that love.”
Aha. He did understand me.
“Yes,” I said quietly. “And no mat
ter how much my heart feels for her, my head just keeps convincing me I’m doomed to disappoint her, or worse.”
“You will disappoint her, Sebastian. That’s human nature. In any close relationship, there will be hurt and disappointment.” He set his notepad aside. “But there is also forgiveness. Redemption. No one expects you to be perfect.”
“Except for myself.”
“You’re going to have to let that go, Sebastian. We all know what it feels like to want to be a better person for someone, but aiming for perfection is a mistake.” He shifted in his chair, sat up taller. “Think back to when I first started seeing you. You set goals. You made progress. Things have changed now that you’ve fallen in love, but there’s no reason why we can’t adjust those goals, adjust your therapy to help you. You respond well to therapy, Sebastian. You’re disciplined and tough on yourself and determined. Let’s use those qualities to help you get back on track.”
I nodded, glad to hear his faith in me.
“Now tell me what happened in the last month.”
Sitting back on the couch, I described my last few months to him in detail, explaining how falling more in love with Skylar had triggered the faulty wiring in my brain to convince me the rituals would protect her. “Instead they drove her away,” I said. “She accused me of doing it on purpose, and I’m wondering if she was right. Maybe I wasn’t doing it to protect her—maybe I was doing it to make her leave so that it would be less painful. I’d have control over it, you know?”
Ken nodded. “You’d be alone by choice then, rather than be abandoned.”
“Right.” I exhaled, closing my eyes for a moment. “You know, I spent all last night wondering if those shrinks were right about my issues stemming from my mother’s death. Deep down, am I just scared of being left alone? Did I isolate myself in school because I was afraid to make friends? Did I choose Diana because I knew subconsciously there was never any danger of losing my whole heart to her? And did my feelings for Skylar trigger this relapse because it’s already lost?”
Happy Crazy Love Boxed Set Page 23