“The day he was born, the moment I saw him for the first time, I was overcome by this powerful longing to protect him, this overwhelming love I’d never felt for anyone or anything before. But it was matched by this…shame that I hadn’t wanted him.” He looked up at me. “I’ve never told anyone this before. I hate the words.”
“But that’s not you anymore. You were so young, Levi. And it was so unexpected. Anyone would need time to adjust. It all changed once you saw him, right?”
He nodded. “I held him in my arms and cried, apologizing silently, over and over again. I swore to be a good father.”
“You are, love,” I whispered fiercely. “You are.”
“I’m trying.” He met my eyes again. “And I’ll try to be what you deserve too. But I’m worried I can’t be both.”
“Levi, stop. You can love us both, I promise. You don’t have to choose.” I leaned over and kissed him, softly at first, feeling his cock begin to swell between my legs. I rocked my hips over him, stroking between his lips with my tongue, feeling his hands slide up my back. “I told you—you’re enough…although I can’t seem to get enough.” I sat up and put my fingers in my mouth, and his jaw dropped as I reached between my legs and rubbed myself.
“Jesus Christ.” His eyes were wide, and his dick jumped beneath me.
I knelt over him and he took it in his hand, placing the tip between my legs. I lowered myself slowly, enjoying every inch of hot, bare skin sliding inside me. When I rested on his hips, my body filled with him, I braced my hands above his shoulders and leaned down to brush my lips over his, feeling him grow even bigger and harder inside me.
“Listen to me,” I said. “Yes, this took us by surprise. Yes, the situation is difficult. Yes, we could walk away. But I don’t want to, Levi. I love you. And if you love me, then let’s make it work.”
“I do love you. That I know. But I don’t know when I can do this again,” he said, his hands rubbing my back. “Stay with you like this. And that kills me.”
I started to move over him, whispering in his ear. “Then let’s make every second count.”
Seventeen
Levi
I told her, and she still wanted me. I told her everything—and here she was, saying she loved me, taking me inside her, wrapping me up in her softness. How did she know exactly what I needed? How was it possible she wanted to give it to me? This beautiful woman, who loved like an angel and fucked like a porn star…what had I ever done to deserve her?
Stop fucking questioning it. For fuck’s sake, she’s riding your cock like Calamity Jane on crack—just enjoy it!
And that’s when my phone went off.
No. Oh fuck. Please, no.
Jillian stopped moving, her hands falling from where she’d been holding her hair on top of her head. Her breath coming fast, she looked over to the dresser, where I’d set my phone. It was vibrating, the screen lit up.
She looked back at me. “Want to get it?”
No, I don’t want to get it. I want you to keep fucking me like you were. It’s the best thing I’ve ever watched, and I’m about to flood your body like the levees broke. “Give me one second.”
She swung her leg over me and got off my dick, which was immediately cold and angry with me. I went over to the dresser and checked the call—it was my sister.
My stomach clenched. “Hello?”
“Hey. I’m so sorry to call you.”
“That’s OK, what’s up?” But in the background I could hear what was up—a massive meltdown.
“It’s Scotty. He’s upset about the nightlight.”
“Oh, fuck.” I tipped my forehead into my hands. How could I have forgotten to pack the nightlight? And after a tough week, too. Fucking idiot!
“He says he has to have it to sleep?”
I swallowed, so angry with myself I wanted to punch my reflection in the mirror over Jillian’s dresser. “He does.”
“I’ve tried everything—other nightlights, leaving the hall light on, even leaving the bedroom light on, but nothing was right. This is the problem with letting him be so particular about things all the time.”
My temper flared, but I took a deep breath and counted to five. “Let’s not get into that now. Has he slept at all?”
“I don’t think so. But he didn’t really start to break down until about ten or so.”
I grabbed my watch. “Ten! Monica, it’s twelve thirty! Why didn’t you call me?” God, I was an asshole. I knew why she hadn’t called me.
“Because I was trying to let you have a night to yourself, Levi! I’m sorry!”
I exhaled, closing my eyes. “No, I’m sorry. I appreciate your trying to help.” And would it really have been any better if she’d called sooner? I’d have missed out on half the time I’d spent with Jillian. Maybe we wouldn’t have had the kitchen sex or the shower together. Maybe she wouldn’t have told me she loved me.
“I wasn’t going to call at all, but you said if it really got bad, you wanted to know.”
“No, you did the right thing.” I set my watch down and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Can he talk?”
“I don’t know. Let me try. Hey, Scotty? Your dad’s on the phone. Want to talk to him? Come on, it’ll make you feel better. Want to say hi?”
I took a deep breath, picturing the scene. Scotty balled up in a corner somewhere, hands over his ears, crying inconsolably, rocking back and forth. Don’t get mad. It’s not his fault. It’s yours—you forgot the nightlight, asshole. You were so excited about your nonstop all-night fuckfest, you forgot one of the essential things he needs to go to bed. And if you’re really honest with yourself, you’d admit that after the kind of week he had at school, an overnight at Monica’s wasn’t the right decision for him.
“He won’t talk,” Monica said. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s OK. I’ll come get him.”
“OK,” she said. “I wish I knew how to handle this better, but it’s so late, and the girls are trying to sleep, and we have to get up for church tomorrow…”
“Monica, it’s fine. I know. I’ll be there as fast as I can.” I looked around for my bag. “Tell him I’m on my way, and he’ll be able to sleep in his own bed tonight.”
“I will. See you in a few.”
“Bye.” I ended the call, set my phone on the dresser, and rubbed my face. “Fuck.”
“Bad news?”
I turned around and saw her sitting up in bed, her arms wrapped around her knees. “Yeah. I fucking forgot to pack the damn nightlight. He needs it to sleep.”
She nodded. “Poor little guy.”
“Jillian.” I sighed. I didn’t even have time to finish what we’d started, and my dick was at half-mast anyway. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s OK, Levi.”
“No, it’s not. But there isn’t anything I can do about it.” I spotted my bag on the floor near the foot of the bed and grabbed some clothes, throwing them on with jerky movements. “And I’m mad about this, so I feel even worse.”
“It’s OK to feel mad.”
“No, it’s not.”
“You’re mad at Scotty? Or yourself?”
I paused, buttoning up my shirt. “Both,” I admitted. “And I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for saying that, but I’m angry at both of us.”
“You’re not an asshole. You’re human.”
I tugged on socks and stepped into my shoes, bending to lace them up. “Well, I feel like an asshole, because even though part of me knows I deserve all the blame for this, and I should hug him and comfort him and tell him it’s all my fault, there’s another part of me that’s like why can’t you just fucking fall asleep with the hall light on?” I straightened up and shook my head. “But I know why he can’t.” I looked around for my coat. “And I’m frustrated that there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Well, maybe you could try doing the nightlight and the hall light for a while? Then do one or the other? So he gets comfortable with different things
?”
“Maybe,” I said stiffly. I don’t know why her comment made me bristle a little. She was only trying to help. And she was a pediatrician, for fuck’s sake. It’s not like she didn’t have a clue about kids. But I was always irked when people who didn’t know Scotty tried to give me advice. “But I doubt it would work. He’s really set in his ways.”
“OK,” she said easily. “Sorry if I upset you.”
I hadn’t realized it was obvious I was bothered. Now I felt like an even bigger dick. “You didn’t. I’m sorry.” Softening my tone, I slung my bag over my shoulder and went to the side of the bed where she sat. “I’m just frustrated. For many reasons.”
She nodded slowly. “I get it.”
“Jillian.” Setting my bag down, I sat at her feet and put my hands on top of them. They were chilly, and I wanted nothing more than to get naked again, wrap myself around her, and tuck us in under the sheets. But that wasn’t an option. “I wanted to wake up with you so fucking badly.”
“Me too,” she said. “Next time.”
“Next time.” Was she wondering, like I was, when that would be? And if we’d actually get to see it through? I wanted to say I promise, but I couldn’t. I’d never be able to promise her anything. The weight of that reality made my limbs heavy and my chest ache.
“You better go.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and gave me a tiny smile. “He’s waiting for you. He needs his daddy.”
I nodded and said what I had to, even though I had to rip the raw words from my throat. “Jillian. I want you to give this some thought. These kinds of things…they’re going to happen. I can’t promise they won’t, and I can’t prevent them.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Listen to me. Please. I love you, but I will understand completely if you don’t want this in the morning.”
She looked at me for a moment, then got to her knees. Wrapping her arms around me, she laid her head on my shoulder. “I love you, too. And I don’t give up easily, Levi.”
I kissed the top of her head, love and gratitude for her swelling in my chest. “I’m glad to hear that. I’ll call you tomorrow, OK?”
She sat back. “I’ll walk you out.”
After throwing on a robe, she saw me to the door and gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. When I tried to kiss her lips and linger there, she gave me a gentle shove on the chest and laughed. “You better go. Or I’ll never let you leave.”
One last kiss on her forehead and I went out the door.
On the way to my sister’s house, I kept thinking about her, about everything we’d done, everything we’d said, everything I felt. As amazing as the night had been, I didn’t want our relationship to be nothing but these short, intense bursts. I wanted more, but I didn’t know how to get it.
Yes, you do—you have to stop trying to be two people. You can’t be Dad here and Levi there and expect to keep everyone happy. You’re just going to end up feeling more guilty all the time. You have to bring her into your life as it exists, into Scotty’s life. You have to let her in.
I rubbed a hand over my beard, wondering if that was really the answer. Wasn’t it too soon to introduce her to my son? What if she got to know him and thought he was too much of a challenge? What if she didn’t understand him? What if she saw the way I had to live and realized she couldn’t handle it? Or thought I was dealing with him wrong, like my family sometimes said?
It’s too soon. I should wait.
For that matter, was it too soon to be so in love with her? Was there a schedule for these things? I was so used to doing things a certain way—my life at work and at home was governed by calendars, plans, lists, charts, deadlines, routines. I was an architect, for fuck’s sake. You don’t build a house without a foolproof design first. But…it felt liberating to have this other thing happening in my life, something impulsive and extraordinary, something instinctual and unstoppable. When I was with her, I felt so alive.
Yet it was frightening too. I’d never been in love like this before. Without experience or wisdom or a plan to guide me, how did I know if what I was doing was right for my son? Or for Jillian?
I was just feeling my way.
It was scary as fuck.
Scotty fell asleep briefly in the car on the way home, but he woke up when the car stopped and refused to go back to sleep in his bed, even though all his usual comforts were there. He’d gotten himself too worked up to feel calm, and I had to lie down with him in my bed with my arms wrapped around him like a baby simply to get him to stop moving. When his body and mind finally were settled, he played with my ear as he drifted off and I felt bad again for being angry about tonight. He didn’t ask that much of me, and he struggled to feel good about himself in so many ways. School this week had not gone well…he threw his pencil again during a math test, refused to do a writing assignment after getting frustrated with corrections, cried twice, and shut down once. He actually wet himself on Thursday morning (the day of the test) in an attempt to miss the bus, but I’d cleaned him up and driven him to school. He’d seemed happy enough at swim therapy and during dinner Friday evening, so I’d hoped Saturday night would be fine, but I’d been wrong.
You should have canceled tonight. You said you’d only do it if he had a good enough week, and you knew in your heart he hadn’t. You convinced yourself he’d be fine just so you could get what you wanted, and that’s fucking selfish and mean.
Fuck! My stomach churned. Had I been mean to make him sleep away from home so I could wake up with Jillian? Did it serve me right that it wouldn’t happen? Maybe this was the universe telling me to be thankful for what I had and not look for anything else.
I hoped not…I loved her. I needed her.
But maybe that was selfish too.
Eighteen
Jillian
I went back to bed, missing the warmth of Levi’s body next to mine, the sound of his voice in my ear, the press of his lips against my skin. The scent of him clung to my sheets, so I did too, gathering them up in my arms and snuggling them as if they could snuggle back.
It was a poor substitute.
I tried my hardest not to resent the fact that he had to leave, but it was difficult. I’d been so excited about having the whole night together. It wasn’t that I was angry with anyone—I completely understood and didn’t blame Scotty, Levi, or his sister—so maybe resentment isn’t what I felt. Maybe it was plain old disappointment. Sadness. A little envy for any girl who got to spend every night in the arms of the person she loved. I just wanted one night. One.
Quit being selfish. So you didn’t get exactly what you wanted. So what? You had a lot more time than you’ve ever had together, and like you said—it’s about quality, not quantity. Think of all the things he said to you, the way he opened his heart. That’s worth something. That’s worth everything, isn’t it?
I wanted it to be, and I believed that he loved me, but I couldn’t shake this nagging fear that he was going to decide I wasn’t worth the hassle of trying to juggle everything in his life to fit me into it. Like he said, he hadn’t been looking for love, hadn’t needed it or wanted it. Why should I think I’d be enough to change that?
I slept fitfully and woke up to the sound of rain against my window. The clock said it was only eight thirty, so I tried going back to sleep, but I couldn’t. Eventually I gave up on sleep and made coffee, deciding to get a jump-start on my day.
Around nine thirty, I was sitting at the breakfast counter with my laptop open when my phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning.” Hearing his voice warmed my insides, and I couldn’t help smiling. “How are you?”
“Tired. How are you?”
“Good, a little tired. How’s Scotty?”
“It was a rough night. But he was up at six thirty like nothing happened.”
“Wow. That’s early. And you did all that driving last night, no wonder you’re tired.”
<
br /> “All the what I did last night?”
I laughed. “Exactly.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” My eyes strayed from the counter over to the fridge, and my stomach whooshed. “Are you going to church?”
“Oh, yes. We don’t vary the schedule around here simply because Daddy got no sleep. The world might end.”
“Poor Daddy. Maybe you can get a nap in later.”
He sighed. “I’ll try. But there’s homework and laundry and other stuff too.”
“I wish I could help you.” I looked around at my condo, which was beautifully furnished and always clean, but often felt empty and too quiet on weekends.
“Me too. What are you up to today?”
“Some chores. A little paperwork. Maybe grocery shopping. Dinner at my parents’ house later.”
“With everyone?”
“Yes.” I wish you could come too.
“Say hello for me.”
“Maybe one of these Sundays, you could join us. You and Scotty.”
“Maybe.” But he didn’t sound that hopeful. “I better get us out the door. Don’t want to be late for Mass.” He lowered his voice. “Bad enough I’m showing my face there after everything I did to you last night.”
I laughed. “I’m looking at my refrigerator right now.”
“Is there a dent in it?”
“Probably several.”
He groaned. “I better go, or I’m going to walk into church with a very large erection.”
“It is large. Even larger than Magik Mike.”
He laughed. “You just made my day.”
“Good.”
I hung up feeling better.
“I’m dying,” Skylar said, dropping onto the couch next to me. She shrugged out of her coat and dropped her bag to the floor. “I have to hear about last night.”
“I promised Natalie I’d wait for her.”
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