by Kitty Neale
They arrived at the third floor. Sarah thought her heart might pound out of her chest. Not because of the hike up the stairs, but for fear of how her mother would react to seeing her.
‘Do you want me to come in with you?’ Jenny asked.
‘No, I’ll be fine, thanks. I’ll see ya,’ Sarah said and nervously approached her mother’s home.
She stood for a moment and looked at the front door, which was slightly ajar. Her mother never closed the door, and it used to irritate Sarah. Taking a deep breath, she pushed it open. As she slowly entered the room, her nose picked up the familiar musty odour. She could see her mum lying on her mattress with a blanket up to her chest, but her stomach looked swollen and her skin was yellow. Sarah quietly knelt on the floor and studied her mother as she slept. Her long black hair looked greasy and unwashed, and her eyes appeared to have sunk into her head. She was wondering if she should disturb her, when her mum slowly opened her eyes. Sarah was shocked to see that even the whites of them were now very yellow.
‘Hello, Mum, it’s me, Sarah,’ she whispered.
‘I can see who you are, you stupid bitch,’ her mother said, though Sarah noticed her voice was weak and without its usual venom.
‘I hear you’re not feeling too well?’
‘Yeah, that’s right. Come to gloat, have you?’
‘No, of course not. I’ve come to see if you need looking after …’
‘You needn’t have bothered. I don’t need you looking after me, or anyone else. I know I’m going to meet my Maker, and the sooner the better. Did you bring me any gin?’
‘No, Mum, that’s what got you in this state, so of course I didn’t. Please, Mum, let me help you …’
‘Why would you want to help me? It ain’t as if I ever did much for you,’ she asked, then began to cough heavily.
Sarah waited for her mother’s chest to clear, and gazed at her with pity. It was a shock to see her so desperately ill, and now she was glad she’d plucked up the courage to come. ‘You’re still my mum. If you won’t let me look after you, will you at least go into hospital?’
‘No,’ Annie replied firmly, ‘I’ll die in my own bed, not in one of them places with them taking blood out of me and doing Gawd knows what to me. I’ll go out of this filthy world the same way I came in … alone.’
‘Please, Mum, you don’t have to be alone. I want to help.’
Sarah saw a tear slip from her mother’s eye and streak down the side of her face before disappearing into her dirty hair.
‘You’ve always been a good girl, better than me, and you’ve been a good mum to your brother. I ain’t got long left … hours, maybe a couple of days. There’s something I should have told you …’
Sarah took her mother’s clammy hand. She’d never seen her mum cry before, or heard her speak so gently. She noticed her mother’s arms were scabby and covered in scratches.
‘Your father … Ron Lyons … he lives on Lavender Hill. It’s up to you what you do, but you have a right to know.’
Sarah took in a sharp breath as her mother’s words sunk in.
‘But I thought my dad was dead?’
‘No, he’s alive and well, but he didn’t want nothing to do with us.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I told you he was dead ’cos I met him when I was just a kid. Sweet sixteen – yes, I was sweet once. He was a big man, full of charm, and he knocked my socks off. I fell in love with him, absolutely besotted I was. Life at home was pretty crap with my dad treating me like his wife, and, well, Ron said he would marry me and take me away from it all.’
‘So what happened?’
‘He never left his wife and kids. Yeah, that’s right, he was a married man, but I was so blinded by love and desperate to get away from home, I stupidly believed all his lies. When I told him I was carrying you, I thought he’d be over the moon, but no, he dropped me like a ton of bricks and broke my heart.’
‘Oh, Mum, why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?’
‘What was the point, eh? See, once my dad got wind of my pregnancy, he gave me a good hiding and threw me out. Ron didn’t want me, I had nowhere to go and no money. That’s why I had to start selling myself. It wasn’t for the booze – well, not at first. It was for us. But as the years went by, I hated myself and what I was doing more and more. I started drinking to blot out the pain, and look where that’s got me.’
‘Oh, Mum, you’ve had a terrible life, but it’s not too late to change. You can stop drinking and get better.’
‘No, Sarah, it’s gone beyond that. I’ve poisoned my body and I’m at death’s door. I’m glad I’ve been able to make amends with you though. It’s been a long time coming and I wish I’d spoken up sooner.’
‘Me too, but what about Tommy’s dad?’
Sarah saw a black look come into her mother’s eyes, and Annie turned her face away.
‘Just go now, will you?’ her mother said coldly.
‘No, Mum, I won’t. Tommy deserves to know about his dad too.’
Annie tried to sit up, but fell back into her mattress. ‘You really want to know?’
‘Yes, Mum, I do.’
‘OK, I’ll tell you. I just hope for your sake that I haven’t spawned the child of the devil, ’cos I’m telling you, his father was evil.’
Sarah saw her mother shiver. She wasn’t sure if she had a fever or if the memory of Tommy’s dad had made her react that way.
‘He was a customer, nothing more, and a bit of a brief encounter really. I didn’t know his surname, I only ever called him Bert. He used to come round three times a week, but he never liked to talk. He’d pay me a fair bit over the odds so that he’d be my exclusive client. He always paid up, but I had this strange feeling about him. Nothing I could put my finger on, but he … well … he scared me. Anyhow, after a few months, I realised I was pregnant with Tommy and told him he’d have to stop visiting. I lied to him, and told him I was still seeing other blokes, Eddy and a couple more. I said I didn’t know who the father was, but I knew it was him. It was just an excuse to get rid of him, he gave me the creeps.’
‘So what was so evil about him?’
‘Water,’ Annie said, and pointed to a cup by her side.
Sarah held her mother’s head up as she struggled to drink from the cup. Then she laid her head back down and sighed heavily.
‘Does it hurt, Mum?’ Sarah asked.
Her mother nodded, and Sarah could see her face was twisted in pain.
‘A few days later, I was in the pub and someone had left a paper on the bar. I couldn’t believe it, I saw Bert’s face on the front page, staring out at me, and the headlines said “Bert – The Blood Bath Murderer”. Honestly, I was shaking when I read what he’d done. Turns out, after he’d left me, he’d gone home and murdered his pregnant wife and young child. He’d chopped them up into pieces in their bath. That could have been us, Sarah. He could have killed us all.’
Sarah gasped in utter shock. She’d heard of the murders. The kids in the playground had talked about it. Everyone had been disgusted, and to think that man was Tommy’s father! ‘What happened to him?’
‘He was found guilty and swung for it. But now can you see why I wanted to get rid of Tommy? What if he turns out like his father?’
No, thought Sarah, Tommy was such a sweet child, he was nothing like his dad, she was sure of that. ‘He won’t, Mum. He’s such a good boy, and so loving. He ain’t got a bad bone in his body. I can never tell him about this though.’
‘Like I said, I hope for your sake that you’re right. Look, I’ve said my piece, you know everything now, and I’m tired Sarah, really tired. Let me be now, eh? Leave me in peace to die.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I can’t just leave you like this. I can see you’re uncomfortable, and it’s only going to get worse. I’m going down the road to call an ambulance. They’ll give you something for the pain in hospital. At least you’ll feel more comfortable.’
Sarah saw h
er mother grip the blanket and nod.
At last, she thought, and ran from the flat to the telephone box before her mother could change her mind.
Annie heard the front door close, and tried to suck in a deep breath, but it was almost impossible now as her swollen stomach inhibited her breathing. Her itchy legs were driving her crazy, but she didn’t feel she had the energy to scratch them. She was glad she’d given in and allowed Sarah to call for an ambulance. She knew she’d be dead soon, but welcomed the thought of some pain relief.
So, her daughter knew everything now, the whole sordid truth about her father and Tommy’s. She was pleased she’d finally told her, but regretted not being honest earlier. The girl deserved better, and Annie wished she could have lived her life over again and treated her daughter with more kindness.
Her head throbbed, and her body ached. The years of alcohol abuse had finally caught up with her. She’d killed herself, slowly drinking herself to death, and she knew it was too late to do anything other than accept her sorry fate.
She scratched her arms. They began to bleed again as she took off several scabs. In the distance, she could hear children playing, and footsteps overhead from the upstairs occupants. All around her, life was carrying on, but hers was coming to a self-inflicted, premature end.
Fear gripped her, and her shallow breaths quickened. I don’t want to die, she thought, terrified of what it was going to feel like. Would she just close her eyes and that would be it? Did she have a soul, and if so, where would her soul go? She knew she didn’t deserve a place in heaven and hoped she wouldn’t meet up with her wicked father again. She’d heard that people close to death experience their life flashing before their eyes. She hoped that wouldn’t happen to her. She’d rather not be reminded of most of hers. Whatever happened, she prayed it would be quick and soon. There was no fight left in her, and she felt she had no reason to live.
She thought of her daughter again. She loved the girl, though she’d never shown her and couldn’t recall ever telling her. If anything, she’d done the complete opposite and behaved despicably towards her, probably making her feel unwanted. She remembered when Sarah had been a babe in arms, so sweet and innocent. She’d vowed to love her and always look after her, but somewhere along the line, it had gone all very wrong. The biggest mistake she’d made was taking out her own frustrations on Sarah, yet still the girl was now showing her pity. It was too late, she knew her time was limited, but she dearly wished she could make up for all the wrongs she’d bestowed on her child.
The front door opened again, and Annie felt the waft of a cool breeze come in with her daughter.
‘The ambulance won’t be long, Mum,’ Sarah said as she knelt by her side.
Annie suddenly felt very confused. ‘What ambulance?’ she asked.
‘The one I’ve just called to take you to the hospital,’ her daughter answered.
Hospital? She managed to slowly lift her head and saw her engorged stomach. Was she in labour? She didn’t remember being pregnant.
She felt Sarah hold her hand. ‘It’ll be all right, Mum.’ Her daughter’s voice was soft, it felt soothing, but what would be all right?
‘No hospital, I ain’t got time to be mucking about, and I don’t want another child.’
‘What are you talking about, Mum?’
Annie moved her head from side to side. She didn’t know. Her mind was fuddled. ‘What’s going on?’ she asked, beginning to panic. She wanted to sit up, but her body wouldn’t respond.
‘Mum … calm down … please.’
‘I need to get up. I’ve got to go to work,’ Annie said, again scratching at her arms.
‘I think you’re a bit confused, Mum. Shush, lay still … relax.’
Annie listened to the sound of her daughter’s voice, then it seemed like a fog was clearing and she could think straight again. ‘I think I’m going mad,’ she said, unsure of what had just happened.
‘It’s all right, Mum. You’ll be in the hospital soon and they’ll know what to do.’
Oh, yes, the hospital. That was right, she was dying. Her liver wasn’t working. She remembered, but she wasn’t sure how long the clarity would remain. She had to tell Sarah something, something important, but what was it? Then it came back to her. ‘Sarah, my girl, I’m sorry I never told you … I love you. I always have. You’ve always been so precious to me and I’m so sorry I let you down. Be good to Tommy. Tell him every day how much you love him.’
Annie could just about see the shocked expression on her daughter’s face, and she was sure her eyes were welling up. She didn’t want to see Sarah cry. She’d caused the girl enough tears, and didn’t want to hurt her any more. ‘Don’t cry, love. Find a man who really loves you. I’m sorry I wasn’t better.’
Annie closed her eyes. She could hear her breath making a strange noise. It was the death rattle, and she knew her time was nearly up. She could go now, leave the world she held in so much contempt, and know she’d made her peace with her daughter. She opened her eyes again, and focused on Sarah. The girl she’d created was so beautiful, almost like an angel. At last, it was time to let go.
Sarah felt her mother’s hand go limp. She looked into her eyes, but there was nothing there. It was as if the life had just gently slipped away from them, and she knew her mum had died.
Her mother had told her she loved her. Sarah had been so taken aback that she hadn’t answered. She’d wanted to tell her she loved her too, but now it was too late.
‘Ambulance service,’ a gruff voice said.
Sarah looked over her shoulder to see two uniformed men, and heard their heavy footsteps as they walked across the room.
She looked back at her dead mother, and gently reached across and closed her eyelids. ‘Oh, Mum, I wish things had been different,’ she whispered.
Then she felt one of the men pull her to her feet.
‘I’m sorry, we have to see to her,’ he said.
Sarah allowed herself to be led to the side of the room, and watched as the other man leaned over her mother’s body. She wasn’t surprised when he turned to his colleague and shook his head. She’d already known her mother was dead, and thought it was strange that she didn’t seem to feel any real emotion.
It was over. There was nothing more that could be said, or ever would be. One final thought passed through Sarah’s mind, and she quietly said, ‘Rest in peace, Mother. I hope you’ve finally found it.’
Chapter 15
The moment Mo opened her door to Sarah, she could see that something was troubling her new friend. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, urging her inside.
‘Where’s Tommy? I didn’t see him playing outside.’
‘He’s fine. He’s got a new best friend, Larry, and he’s gone to have tea with him. Don’t worry, it’s only three doors down.’
‘Thanks, Mo, and I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long.’
Mo watched as Sarah sat on the armchair, then rested her head back and closed her eyes. ‘You still haven’t told me what’s happened. I can tell you’re upset about something.’
Sarah lifted her head and drew in a long breath. ‘It’s my mum … she’s dead.’
‘Oh, Sarah, I’m so sorry, that’s awful. How do you know? I thought you was going down the Thames?’
‘I did, but I bumped into an old mate who told me my mum was ill. I went to see her, but it was horrible. She looked so ill and weak, I ain’t ever seen her looking like that. She seemed fine when I left, but now … Anyhow, she eventually let me call for an ambulance, but by the time I got back from the telephone box, she was almost dead. She said a few last words, then she was gone.’
Mo dashed across the room and knelt on the floor beside her friend. She took Sarah’s hand, and though she wanted to offer some words of comfort, she felt at a loss what to say.
‘It was so awful. It’s the first time I’ve seen a dead person. Her eyes were open, but they looked vacant, just staring into space. I couldn’t believe it at first, i
t didn’t seem real. The ambulance arrived, and that’s when they confirmed it. Funny really, she said she wanted to die alone … well, she almost got her wish, but I think she was glad I was there at the last moment.’ Sarah began to sob while Mo held her.
‘She’s in a better place now, love,’ Mo said.
‘I don’t know what I’m so upset about. I mean, she wasn’t the best of mums, but just before she died, she told me some stuff. Now I sort of understand the reason for the way she was. I wish I’d known earlier, maybe we could have been closer.’
‘Let me pour you a cuppa. You’ve had a nasty shock, it’s bound to be upsetting,’ Mo offered. As she poured the tea, she glanced at Sarah and felt relieved to see she’d finally stopped crying.
‘I ain’t got much money left and my mum didn’t have any, so she’ll be in a pauper’s grave. I feel terrible about it, but there’s nothing I can do.’
‘I’d help you out if I could, but me and Sam are skint too. If we had any money, we wouldn’t be living in this dump,’ Mo lied. They had a few quid put aside, but she wasn’t prepared to share it with a woman she’d only recently met.
‘Thanks, Mo, but even if you did have anything, I wouldn’t expect you to lend it to me. I don’t suppose it really matters. After all, she’s dead, and I should think I’ll be the only person at her funeral.’
‘I could come with you if you like?’
‘That’s good of you, but to be honest I think I’d rather you looked after Tommy for me. I don’t want him seeing his mum put in the ground.’
‘Of course, I understand. Now, splash some water on your face before the boy gets home. You don’t want him seeing you upset.’
Mo sat on the other armchair feeling awkward. She wasn’t very good at dealing with things like this, and didn’t have much empathy. She thought the years of getting bashed by her father had knocked all the softness out of her and left her hardened. ‘Sam will be home tomorrow. I can’t wait for you to meet him,’ she said in a bid to change the subject.
‘Yes, me too. I’m looking forward to seeing the mystery man who paints the wonderful pictures,’ Sarah answered.