by Carrie Stone
It’s fairly obvious that our values are different these days, but I’ve tried my best to ignore things, telling myself that if I want to live with her, I need to accept her different ways. With hindsight, a tiny part of me wonders whether moving in with her will become one of my more regrettable decisions. The reality is that our social time together isn’t quite what I’d envisioned it’d be.
Trying not to let my irritation get the better of me, I distract myself by re-reading my earlier messages with Spencer. We’ve already arranged another date later in the week and I’m looking forward to it. An email pings into my inbox, directing my focus to my laptop, and I notice it’s a bank statement. My stomach flips as I’m reminded that it’s payday – my first payday – meaning a hefty amount should be sitting in my new bank account. And when I log in to check, I can’t help but stifle a giggle as I see the four-figure balance. ‘Dinner on me tomorrow,’ I whisper happily to myself.
When the TV suddenly switches off in the background, I decide to push aside my misgivings about Tilly and join her in the living room again. Because let’s face it, would I even be here without her?
The answer to that one is no. So as much as she might be provoking me with her self-serving attitude and making me question her principles, it’s time to cut her a little slack.
Chapter 10
‘But you never come out anymore, you never seem to want to drink and you’ve been volunteering most weekends for pretty much three months now,’ Tilly whines, shaking her head in annoyance.
Glaring back at her from behind my oversized sunglasses, I try not to let my anger get the better of me. ‘Yes, but I don’t want to be out drinking, besides my work doesn’t allow for it, you know that. I’m always busy with marking and anyway, I really enjoy the volunteering. So that’s why I’m skipping cup match. The Clearwater beach clean-up is super important because the turtles have been nesting there—’
‘Fine. Do as you please.’ She flounces off to the water, kicking up sand as she does so.
‘Why can’t she just accept I don’t want to keep bloody partying?’ I mutter, seething. In almost three months I’ve had more fun helping out with my now close friend Shanice and other locals, than I have ever had with ‘Sunday boat fundays’ as Tilly calls them. The turtle scrub, which I’ve done more than a handful times, is still my all-time favourite, but nature story time with the small children has been a close second. Taking the local kids out boating to explore the reef and survey the fish population on a couple of occasions was enlightening. Yet the most fulfilling part of my time volunteering has been helping to rescue injured turtles for the rehabilitation programme. It’s ironic to think that it could have been me with the likes of the Sunday funday crew, causing the injury in the first place, seeing as a lot of collisions are a result of out-of-control water antics. I regard my volunteer time as precious and I’ve learnt so much from Shanice about Bermudians, local customs and the island. I couldn’t imagine giving that up to suit Tilly’s need for me to drink champagne more often.
And therein lies the problem… Tilly. In three months, my life has turned around so incredibly; I love teaching at my new school despite the workload, I’m absolutely blown away with what the volunteering has given to me on a personal level and I’m living in a location so beautiful, that I can’t help but wake up with a smile on my face.
It’s just Tilly, who is a bit of a spanner in the works. Yes, we have a shared history and of course I consider her a friend, but I’ve begun to see a very different side to her – one that I’m not sure benefits me on every level. The partying and drinking were fun to begin with, it certainly helped me to get my vibe back and let my hair down. But now, with time so precious as my workload has increased, I don’t want to waste it on things and people that aren’t bringing me total satisfaction. Tilly keeps displaying a very selfish, materialistic approach and that’s something I’m not willing to be around all of the time, especially if it’s at the cost of demeaning the one thing that is making me feel satisfied – my volunteering.
I’m at the end of my tether with her attitude, yet I can’t shake the fact we’ve been friends for so long and that I owe her for all of this…
I gaze behind me as a throng of what appears to be cruise ship tourists make their way onto the beach. I’m lying on a beach towel in the iconic Horseshoe Bay and it takes me a moment to remind myself not to lose my cool. As I glance at the overjoyed expression of the people clearly taking in the bay for the first time, I’m reminded just how fortunate I am. I can still remember my initial reaction to the breath-taking view that I’m now privy to whenever I want. From the black volcanic rock jutting up above the turquoise water that frames the bay, to the powdery pink sand as fine as icing sugar beneath my feet. Climbing up to the top of the rock to look across the bay, it’s clear why it’s named after a horseshoe for its formation is exactly that. It’s a little piece of paradise, just one of the many coral sand beaches that line the horizon. Except this one is one of the most popular, evident from how packed it is and the flurry of activity now taking place around me.
‘That feels better.’ Tilly appears beside me, droplets of water making their way onto the towel as she twists her hair and wrings it out. She’s clearly in better spirits than a minute ago and I give up silent thanks that the atmosphere can now go back to being lighter. ‘What time is Spence coming?’
‘Soon, he messaged a while ago to say he’s picking up Jools on the way.’ The words are barely out of my mouth when I spot Spencer’s distinctive walk across the beach, Jools’ lanky frame beside him. ‘Oh, there they are now.’ I can see a cool box in Spencer’s hands and a beach ball under Jools’ arm.
‘Looks like they’re up for a bit of volleyball.’ My heart sinks as I say it, for as much as I appreciate that Spencer loves sports, I really don’t share his enthusiasm. In fact, the thought of volleyball in the intense heat is unbearable.
‘Cool, that’ll be fun,’ Tilly says, shifting herself over onto a less sandy part of her towel. ‘Not so much for you though.’ She looks at me slyly with a smirk.
The boys suddenly appear within earshot and I roll over onto my front and look in their direction. In the late morning light of the Bermudian sun, Spencer’s eyes glisten down at me in a shade of blue that matches the water beside us. ‘Brought you this.’ He tosses me a foil wrapped parcel. ‘Chicken parmigiana sandwich.’
‘Aww thanks.’ I peek into the now sandy, foil-wrapped parcel and smile. ‘You’re the best.’
‘And you’re easily pleased,’ Jools jokes, leaning in to hug me hello. I can’t help but feel I misjudged Jools slightly when I first met him. He’s not the creepy, untrustworthy guy I’d initially assumed. As I’ve gotten to know him, it’s clear there’s a softer side to him and that his sarcastic, sometimes near the mark wit, is just a way to deflect his deep insecurities about himself. It’s now easy to see why Spencer is his friend.
We’ve barely been sitting for ten minutes when Tilly raises the subject of my volunteering once again, but this time directed to Spencer.
‘You’ve probably heard by now that Everly is skipping out of cup match?’ She glances at me as she says this, a disapproving frown creasing her features.
Spencer looks at me for a moment and I see surprise cross his face. ‘Oh, no I didn’t realise. I just assumed you were coming for that?’
‘She’s too busy saving the turtles,’ Tilly jokes, opening the cool box and digging out a pack of beers.
I avoid Spencer’s intense gaze, feeling scrutinised.
‘Well, it’s Everly’s choice anyway,’ he says, reaching across to take the beer that Jools is offering. ‘Nothing to do with me.’
‘We’ve got so many kids coming to help, I can’t miss it because everybody is so looking forward to it,’ I offer up to Jools and Tilly, wondering why I’m explaining myself for something I love and am passionate about.
I’m grateful to Spencer at least, for being understanding. In fact, he’s been sup
portive ever since we first met, never once trying to change me or derail me from the things I enjoy. The problem is, a part of me has now begun to wonder if that’s enough. Frankly, I want Spencer to be more interested in my volunteering. I’ve been waiting all of these weeks for him to comment or elaborate on how he feels about my weekend work and yet, even though I always stay over his house afterwards, it just doesn’t seem to be something he has much of an opinion on. Sure, he’s letting me get on with own life and that is what I thought I wanted in a man… However, I’m beginning to feel conflicted. It doesn’t feel enough.
‘You do what you want to do,’ Spencer says, looking at me. ‘Cup match is legendary but if you’re busy doing other things then it’s no worries.’ Once again supportive but apathetic – I can’t help but feel irked at him. ‘Anyway, who’s up for volleyball?’
‘Not me.’ I sink back into my towel and spread my arms out in an attempt to make sure it’s obvious I’m quite set on tanning.
‘Suit yourself.’ Spencer picks up a ball with one hand, his beer in the other and within minutes, the three of them are headed off towards a nearby crowd to drum up more participants.
Sighing, I try not to let everything get to me. The issue isn’t just Tilly, the volunteering or cup match. It’s the building anxiety over my relationship with Spencer. I simply wasn’t expecting to meet someone so soon into my new journey and for it to develop so easily on my terms because that’s exactly what has happened.
Sure, it’s been a wonderful few months hanging out with him. Lately we’ve been spending nearly all of our free time together and the sex is better than ever. However, although things seem to be flowing smoothly and I’m happy enough, I can’t help but wonder how he fits into my future.
I’m becoming conscious of the fact that we never really talk beyond the week ahead, both of us avoiding the inevitable conversation that my maternity contract finishes in just over two months’ time. Until now, it’s been enjoyable living in the moment, making the most of each other’s company but on the flip side of that, there’s been no mention of what we hope to gain from our connection. The problem is, deep down I’m not entirely sure how I feel about him. Wasn’t he supposed to be just a holiday fling?
I mean, yes, he’s perfect in many ways and I have fun being with him but there hasn’t been that burning love inside of me that should surely have developed by now if this was more than just a fling?
He’s encouraging, caring, genuine and all the things that have been lacking before now in the men I’ve dated … and yet, I can’t help but feel that something is missing. There’s passion and sex but there’s no genuine love spark. And yes, I care for him … but surely my feelings should be deeper than that? Or is it that I’m squashing down emotions because I’m uncertain he feels the same? I just can’t quite pinpoint the issue.
‘Uff, it’s going to be a tough game.’
My thoughts are broken as a shadow casts itself over my upper body. I squint and see Spencer’s silhouette standing beside me.
‘Hey. You can’t be finished already?’ I watch as he sits himself down on Tilly’s towel, tossing a crumpled empty beer can towards Jools’ backpack.
‘No, just getting started but I didn’t want you left alone over here thinking I’m peeved at you for the cup match thing.’
‘Don’t worry, I don’t think that.’ It’s a lie but I can see by his genuinely concerned expression that he clearly wants to make amends.
‘How about after this game, we grab a bite to eat?’ He leans across and traces his fingers across my arm. That simple gesture has my body on fire and I marvel at his effect on me. ‘Just us though.’ I can tell by his nervous expression that there’s something playing on his mind and my stomach flips.
‘Sure, that’ll be nice.’
He leans in to kiss me gently on the lips and lingers a little longer than necessary, his breathing heavy against my skin. As he pulls back, his eyes meet mine and there’s an intense sense of connection and emotion flowing from him to me. And in that moment, I know with absolute certainty, that he feels strongly for me. Strangely, the thought makes me extremely nervous.
‘OK. I’ll catch you in a bit.’ He jerks suddenly and shrugs his shoulders seemingly trying to shake himself out of whatever trap he’s fallen into with his feelings. He stands up, backing away, but his eyes never leave my face.
I watch him walk away as an air of apprehension wraps around me. Something weird just happened and whatever this dinner is about, I’m certain it’s to do with our future.
Regardless of the outcome, one thing I do know is that whether we continue seeing one another or not after my maternity cover ends, I want to find a way to continue living and working here in Bermuda. It’s exactly where I want to be.
*
‘Your parents?’ Dumbfounded, I sit back in my seat trying not to appear as astonished as I feel.
‘Well yes, I mean you don’t have to if you think it’s too soon…’ He tails off, looking slightly awkward. ‘I know New York isn’t exactly a car journey away.’
I quickly reach across the table and grab his hand. ‘Don’t be silly, of course I’d like to meet your parents…’ I’m not entirely sure I do but I can’t say that aloud. And neither can I understand where all of this is suddenly coming from.
‘I’m just a bit surprised, that’s all.’ My smile fades and I take a deep breath. ‘It’s just we don’t really ever speak much about us or the future…’
The words hang between us and he tenderly reaches across and strokes a stray strand of hair away from my face. The café diner is busy and loud but our secluded red leather booth at the back allows us the privacy we need. I hold my breath, my eyes flitting back and forth between his eyes and lips.
‘Everly, you know I’m falling in love with you, right?’
The sentence slips so easily out of his mouth that it takes me a moment to grasp what he’s just said.
‘You are?’ Even to myself I sound shocked and slightly feeble.
He looks at me quizzically, an amused smile on his lips. ‘Why else would I be spending every spare moment with you? Hell, I even gave you a spare door key!’
‘But we’ve never talked properly about this,’ I reply, suddenly feeling anxious and pressured.
‘Come here, you absolute head case.’ He pulls me across the table, not seeming to notice my unease, and leans in close to me as he laughs. ‘You drive me wild, Everly Carter. I’m glad you chose Bermuda … and me.’ His mouth finds mine and I relax slightly as we softly kiss.
I roll his admission over in my mind and my heart bangs in my chest – I can’t decipher if it’s due to nerves, adrenalin or butterflies. I know I should say something back to him, but I can’t seem to find the right words. It feels wrong to reply that I’m falling for him too because right now, I’m not sure how true that is. Instead, I smile and lean in, kissing him once again. I notice that his breathing is becoming shallow. ‘So when do we meet your parents?’
‘Well, I’ve already got a flight booked for next month – so if you’re happy to do a weekend, I’ll book you a seat next to me.’
A sensation of panic rises up and I try and squash it down. Despite never having been to New York and the thrill of potentially exploring the city as an enticement, it’s still a big thing to be meeting his parents. I suddenly feel jittery again. Is this all going too fast? Is it really what I want? I didn’t come here for love and yet it seems to have found me… On the other hand, is he not my Mr Right Now? And should I not just see where it takes me?
‘You want to head back to mine?’ he asks, stroking my leg under the table.
Despite my mind being awash with sudden anxieties, I find myself nodding. Surely it’s too monumental an afternoon to be worrying about anything. Spencer said he’s falling for me – isn’t that exactly what I needed to hear to discern my own feelings?
They do say that love grows. What if that is the missing piece of the puzzle? After all, everything else s
eems to be going right for me here in Bermuda. Maybe I just needed to know where he stood, so that I can finally allow my own feelings to develop more.
Feeling more confident in myself, I smile at him, grabbing my bag as I stand up.
‘Yes, let’s go.’
He doesn’t need telling twice.
*
‘Whoa, he’s got it bad for you. You do realise this means you’re going to have to find a way to stay in Bermuda, right?’ Tilly says, her expression serious. ‘And that’s not going to be easy.’
‘Well, I love it here and was planning on staying anyway. I didn’t need Spencer to fall in love to make that decision,’ I snap, sounding a little tetchier than I intended. ‘But yeah, I think it’s time for me to ask at school what’s going on with Janelle and if she’s coming back after maternity leave. There’s rumours circling that she’s not intending to return.’ I try to appear upbeat, but inside I feel as torn about it as Tilly looks.
She tops up her wine glass with the nearing empty bottle on the table and leans back on the sofa. ‘I still can’t get over Daryl. He’s such a bastard.’
Stifling a yawn, I begin packing up the essays I’m finished with into my school bag. ‘Well, I think you just need to accept that he’s always going to be like this.’
It sounds a lame response, even to my own ears but I’m fed up of hashing over the same subject of Tilly’s boss. Lately, we seem to spend more time discussing how awful he is than anything else. ‘Are you sure you’re still up for going to this beach BBQ? You said yourself it’s not compulsory.’
‘No, I want to go.’ Her snappy reply is followed by a big slurp of her drink. ‘Everyone’s going.’ She looks up and narrows her eyes. ‘Oh, don’t tell me – you don’t want to come with me anymore now that lover boy has basically proposed.’