by Hunter Blain
Using the wall as support, I got back on my feet and proceeded to wash the remaining purple soap off. I made sure my beard and long hair got plenty of attention under the stream of water.
Once I felt the job was done and the soapy feeling had faded from my skin, I pushed the only remaining illuminated button, and the water shut off.
I stood there, naked and dripping, as I found an odd button off to the side. I lifted my finger, grazing the unknown switch, and decided to pull it away again with a quick headshake and a face that said, “Pfft, I don’t care if I never know what that button does.”
So I pressed the button, and a torrent of steam hissed out from all directions, startling me and making me slip and fall. I felt like Marv and Harry from Home Alone.
With a grunt of frustration, I pushed myself back up to my feet and punched the stupid button.
“At least...” I said, breathing heavily in frustration, “...now I know what it does...”
Turning to the exit of the shower room, I walked into the main bathroom portion and grabbed the nicest white robe I had ever seen that was dangling from a hook. Of course, being for Lily, it only went down to just below my butt, but it did the job of drying my skin.
There was a fancy wall of rolled up towels on the wall next to the shower, and I grabbed one at random, drying my hair before wrapping it in one of those tight mummy wrap...things. Grabbing another towel, I dried my face, beard, and then my legs before noticing that my dangly bits...dangled.
Looking at the floor to ceiling mirror that was on the wall perpendicular to the giant window, I noticed that my reflection was sort of hard to see with all the steam in the air, prompting me to wonder if Lily had some sort of AC system like Taylor did. Eh, I was sure she had something like it in a bathroom this ridiculously nice.
While still staring at my vague reflection, I saw that my tiny robe only barely contained my containables.
I shifted my hips to the right, and watched the pendulum swing. Then I did it again to the left, and physics did what physics does. It was comforting to know that even in a parallel dimension, the basic rules, like gravity, were the same.
I began rocking my hips back and forth in quick succession, making loud gong-gong-gong noises like I was the world’s sexiest grandfather clock.
“More like grandfather cock! Am I righ—Wait, wait, wait. Not that. That’s just...gross. Yuck,” I said with a shudder. “That...that’s just...not neat. Not neat at all.”
Shaking my head, I walked to the bathroom door with my hair wrapped up like Marge Simpson and with my close friends peeking from the bottom of my—I mean, Lily’s—robe, and opened the door with dramatic flair. Then I did a fancy dance-slide with a clap into the bedroom where Lily was already fully dressed again, including the ice crown.
“Is that...my robe?”
“Mine now, sugah,” I said with a smile. “Unless you...want me to take it off.” As I finished, I slowly undid the bowknot I had used to tie the robe closed, my eyebrows dancing seductively while I did.
“If you ruin that robe, I will eat your heart with a spoon.”
“Ah, that was almost a Robin Hood starring Kevin Costner quote. Why do you tease me by almost setting up epic quotes?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” she said flatly, lifting a spoon that I had no idea where she got from.
“Yikes!” I yelped, quickly but carefully removing the robe and setting it on the supernice-looking chair closest to the bathroom.
“That robe better not be wet,” she growled as her eyes flashed crimson while staring at her chair.
“JEEZ!” I called out, snatching the damp robe off the chair and returning it to the bathroom. It was a good thing I did because I still looked like Marge in my hazy reflection.
I unraveled the towel and shook my hair while flexing in the mirror once...or twice.
Returning to the bedroom sans wet towel or robe, I asked, “Hey, Lily, do you like helicopters?”
You see, it’s at this moment that every man reading or listening to this series will go, “Heh. I know where this is going.” To which every woman that has ever lived with a guy will respond, “I do too,” with an accompanying eye roll.
“Helicopter?” Lily asked, taking the bait I had so skillfully put forth.
Throwing my arms up above my head, I began gyrating my hips in sharp movements, making my Lil’ John swing around like a stripper’s nipple tassels, all while yelling, “Helicopter!” Flesh lightly slapped against flesh, and Lily stared in stunned silence. Her expression couldn’t decide between indignation, disgust, or disappointment (at me for being childish, not the size...or anything).
“Try not to stand too close to my rotor, babe! It might blow you away! OOOOOOOoooooooh!” I exclaimed while pretending to almost lose control from the inertia my impressive junk was creating.
There was a flash of movement, and something shiny flew through the air in perfect sync for when my sausage would be swinging between my legs.
There was a slap followed by a thud and then a light thump as something hefty hit the floor.
And then, hehe, could ya believe it, there was a bolt of lightning that sent an indescribable wave of agony from my pelvis and up my torso. I shrieked like a little girl, and I won’t even dare deny it. It was loud and it was high in pitch. Like, Mariah Carey ain’t got shit on me kinda high.
An eighteen-wheeler carrying enough nausea to last until George R.R. Martin finished the last book smashed into my guts, and I puked as I dropped to my knees. My hands tried to grab my junk, but they kept reporting to a disbelieving brain that there was no junk to be found.
With a platoon of bugs dancing in my vision to some Bebop jazz, I managed to pivot my head around to see a shiny spoon sticking out of the wall at knee height.
Something else caught my eye, and with a skull that felt like it was one of those bobblehead toys in a jeep trying to speed down the side of a mountain, I managed to lock onto a sight no man should ever see.
“It’s...so big...” was all I could get out before the bugs all joined hands and I passed out.
26
I blinked awake and saw that I was lying on a kitchen table in an almost comically long dining hall. I recognized immediately where I was as I pushed myself to a seated position with a groan.
Something toppled wetly down my bare chest and between my legs. I scowled as I saw the light trail of blood, and reached around my freshly regrown best friend to grab something small.
With an arched brow, I lifted my hand to see...Did I say small? I meant mammoth sized. Like, statues should be erected (pun) in my hon—
“John?” Depweg’s unmistakable voice called out.
“Fucking really, Lily?” I mouthed as I turned to see not only my BFF but also Taylor and even freaking Magni come out of the kitchen, each holding a plate of food.
Wiggling my member, I asked the group, “Did anyone save room for some sausage?”
“More like a Little Smokie,” Depweg hilariously added. For those of you listening to Luke’s sultry voice, I italicized “hilariously” to emphasize just how fucking funny my friend was.
“What happened?” Magni asked as he squinted—more than what was strictly necessary—and recognized what I was holding. His face bloomed green and he had to turn away.
“Why...are you naked...glittery...and on my dining table?” Taylor asked with a frustration that forced him to stretch the question out like his brain was trying to argue with the combination of words, detecting that they didn’t make sense.
“You, ah, aren’t gonna ask why I’m holding Lil’ John? You know, detached from my body?”
“No. Now please, kindly remove your bare flesh from where my court likes to feast.”
“Ope! Right,” I said, scooting my butt toward the edge, my clean cheeks squeaking as I dragged them across the clean surface of the table. After two or three of said squeaks, I felt Taylor’s frustration boil over into anger, and I froze, realizing my mi
stake. Slowly turning my head toward him, I made a pathetic oopsie-daisy face, and said, “Hehe. Whoops. But don’t worry! I just had a shower.”
Taylor huffed once and turned to storm back into the kitchen.
“What’s his deal?” I asked Depweg, squeaking my cheeks the rest of the way off. “And wait, did he say glittery?”
I looked down and saw that every inch of my skin reflected the light of the dining room as if I had just bathed in diamonds or something.
“Oh Lilith. I’m all Twilighty! Stupid, fancy purple soap.”
“Why are you here, John?” Depweg asked, setting his plate down and picking up a neat pile of clothes that I recognized.
“Oh, thanks,” I said as he handed them to me. “Um, long story short—”
“Lily,” Depweg interrupted.
“Yeah, that’s...that’s pretty short, alright.”
“You would know,” Depweg said, glancing down at my hand.
“Oh, Lilith damn it, would you stop. At least it’s not a tube of lipstick, damn werewolf...” I grumbled.
“At least mine’s bigger,” he added with a wry smile.
“Dude! You’re like, what, twelve feet tall in your wolf suit now? You freaking better be bigger! It would be a little awkward otherwise.”
“Heh, you said little,” Magni threw out, turning to face the group again after apparently regaining his composure.
Being me, I scoffed and then did something truly evil; I underhand tossed my detached steak tube at him, prompting a shriek and a combat dodge/roll from the warrior. Though his food went flying all over the floor, he did completely dodge my missile.
“Dude! Not cool!” he said, coming to his feet in a defensive posture.
“Relax, kemosabe. I’m not gonna rip off another projectile to throw at you.”
Magni seemed to consider my words before visibly relaxing. Then I reached between my legs and quickly threw my hand his way, pretending to throw the ball but really hiding it behind your back, like with your dog. Or...I don’t know...something like that.
Magni dodged the air before his face went all red.
“I’m just playin’ with ya, kid. You’re good.”
“I’m gonna tell Bella you’re a dick,” Magni threw back.
“Be...Bella? Who’s that now?” I asked, bringing my finger up to my face and tapping my cheek only to realize there was a smidge of blood still there. With a sigh, I did what any reasonable person would do: I reached under the table and dragged my digit over the wood, transferring the blood. It was then that Taylor decided to come back.
I straightened in an instant with my hands behind my back and looking at the ceiling while whistling.
“Why are you still naked? Did you ruin any more artifacts that are older than Christ?” Taylor barked before pointing at the table where my butt had been.
A burly dwarf wielding an ax and completely covered head to toe in the Fae equivalent of hazmat gear, complete with respirator, approached.
Seeing where his king had pointed, the dwarf nodded once before hefting his ax, ready to strike. He glanced over at me, looking at my naked body up and down, and then returned his ax to a normal grip. Next, he set the blades on the ground and leaned the handle against his stomach as he double-checked his gloves, seemingly trying to make sure they were airtight.
“Hey...what the...” I breathed, not liking the severity of this particular joke. Not even I would go that far. Oh, wait...I literally just threw my penis at someone. Never mind. Game on.
Satisfied that nothing would get through his personal protection equipment, the dwarf once again hefted his ax and then brought the heavy blade down in a thunderous crack of splintering wood. Bringing the ax back up, he positioned it at another spot a few feet to the side and brought it down again. I was more than impressed to see that he had chopped the section my butt had scooted across with only two swipes. The cuts formed a perfect V shape, allowing for plenty of room for error, just in case.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I watched as the dwarf began piling the pieces and wrapping them with some sort of wire.
I leaned against the table, half resting on the edge, when I said, “Not bad.”
Taylor’s face went beet red as Depweg palmed his face and Magni stifled a chuckle. The dwarf looked around at the guests before following their gazes and seeing half a butt cheek resting on a portion of table that hadn’t been cut...yet. Even through his face shield and respirator, I could see how delighted he was to be given the gift of job security.
Hefting the ax again, the dwarf reared back and brought it down where I was sitting. I blurred out of the way in surprise as he cleaved the edge of the table away. It even formed a perfect arch! With an ax blade!
“I, ah, really wanna be pissed at you for swinging your little toy at me...but I have to know...how the hell did you make it arch?”
With a huff, the dwarf picked up the new piece and affixed it to the other pile before he hoisted it up with one hand, the other holding the massive ax. Taking a few steps toward the kitchen, he froze in place as his eyes locked onto some gargantuan piece of manliness that rested on the floor. Shaking his head, he stormed out of the room, only to return a few moments later with a long pair of tongs instead of an ax.
Bending down, he tried more than once to pick it up, missing with each click of the tool.
“Dude,” I drawled with a hand outstretched, palm up. “Look at how much surface area you have to grab onto. Stop being a dick and just...do your stupid job already.”
Ignoring my comment, the dwarf tried several more times to pick up the...thingy...making everyone chuckle around me.
The little bastard finally succeeded before casually exiting through the kitchen doors with his wood in tow. Both of them. Puns!
“And burn it, please,” King TalGoid called over his shoulder to the dwarf.
“Aye.”
“Alrighty then. John’s a little done with this particular joke,” I warned the group as I began dressing aggressively. I mean, I did enjoy a joke just as much as the next guy, but come-the-hell-on, man.
“John—” Depweg began before I cut him off.
“To answer your question, Deppyweg, I’m here to see how you and Magni are doing,” I told him, annoyed, before pointedly giving my were friend a dramatic and quick glance up and down his body. “Yup, you look good. Okay. I can get the fuck outta here now.”
As I finished dressing, I turned to storm out of the dining room.
“John,” Depweg called out in a tone that suggested I drop the shit.
Stopping in place, I rubbed at my eyes and then turned to my friends.
“Seriously though, why are you glittery. Did you—”
“Don’t you make a fucking Twilight joke, werewolf boy, or I’m gonna start calling your bitch ass Jacob!”
“So you know who the main guys are but not Bella?” Magni asked seriously.
“Oh, right,” I acknowledged. “Okay, point to Magni on that one. Don’t know how I could forget her name. Especially because—for some reason—every freaking girl named their freaking dog Bella after those freaking movies came out.”
From somewhere outside, we heard a muffled whomph as an unnecessarily large fire was ignited, probably with some kind of potent magic.
The silence stretched as cheers were heard in the distance. All eyes were on me.
“Reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy?” I drawled in complete and utter embarrassment as I covered my face with both palms.
For a reason that only the universe knew, the simple act of completely covering my face prompted my mind to remember something of drastic importance.
“OH! Depweg! Dude, good news. Joey and Dawson are in Heaven! I was just there, man! Is that crazy or what?!”
“Wasn’t...wasn’t Dawson already there?” Magni asked, looking back and forth between my were friend and me.
Oh...shit...
My face must have said it all because Depweg’s brow tried to tighten into a ball between
his eyes as he showed teeth that vaguely resembled fangs.
“This way, Magni,” Taylor suggested, turning to disappear down a hallway and leaving me alone with a very pissed off werewolf.
I thought about Father Thomes’ words on lies being poison in my heart, and steadied my jaw.
Narrowing my eyes, I calmly, but unabashedly, spoke to my friend, “You left me no choice, Jonathan.”
If you asked me why I had used his first name in such a condescending manner, I wouldn’t have been able to answer.
“I suggest you focus on the fact that they are both, at this moment, reunited with their parents in freaking Heaven.”
“How can I know that?” Depweg grumbled between his teeth. “I’m sick of your lies.”
“AND I’M SICK OF HAVING TO LIE FOR YOU!” I belted out before I could tell my mouth to abort my knee-jerk reaction.
Depweg didn’t rock back like I half expected him to. Instead, he lunged forward with hands that were too big for a man.
He caught me by surprise with his reach, and a hand that was growing to the size of cinder blocks smashed into my skull, throwing me to, and then through, the wall made up of the world tree.
I tumbled and fell for what felt like several seconds, not even realizing I’d hit the ground except for the feeling of abruptly ceasing to plummet.
My body healed, and I briefly wondered why the armor hadn’t deflected the attack. Come to think of it, why hadn’t it stopped Lily’s either?
“Because you trust them, you idiot,” I growled to myself, tasting the unpleasant copper in my mouth as I got to my feet.
Outside, there was a collection of Faerie citizens dancing around a large flame that was fueled by only a few pieces of wood. Everyone froze and looked at me in abject horror at being caught.