by Brynne Asher
“What?” I ask but can barely hear the word myself.
Tony’s been shot? How could he have been shot? As stupid as this sounds after learning such horrific news, all I can picture in my mind is his unruly hair that falls to his forehead and how his eyes are so soft when they sweep my face, it feels like a touch. As I reach out to hold onto the desk, I try to catalog every touch he’s given me over the past couple months. They were gifts that I now realize I’ve taken for granted. He’s given me everything I’ve needed without me offering anything in return. I think about when I’m with him I feel safe and I can’t remember the last time I felt safe. He’s even given me the gift of sleeping peacefully for the first time in I don’t know how long. But I have nothing to offer him…
“Leigh, are you there? You okay? How much longer do you have on your shift?” Jude presses, breaking into my thoughts.
“I … two hours, I think. How long has he been in surgery?” I try to get my wits about me. I feel like I’m good under pressure—I have to be as an ICU nurse, but when it’s someone you know, someone you care about, it’s a different story.
“About an hour-and-a-half I think,” Jude says. Now that I’m concentrating again, I hear Gabby crying. “Shhh, sugar. Settle down.”
I move to the computer to see where Tony is and what surgeon he’s with. “Is she hurt?”
“The doctor thought she was in shock. I’ll explain it all soon. I’ll call as soon as I know something. Are you going to be okay? Can you finish your shift? I know this is your first day back, but you and Tony…” Jude leaves the sentence open, as I’m sure he doesn’t know how to finish it. Hell, I don’t even know how to finish that sentence.
I hear the tone of my watch, reminding me my sweet elderly patient needs his meds. “I’ve got to go. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Call me if you hear something.”
As my fingers fly across the keyboard, I find Tony was admitted with a gunshot wound to the abdomen and he’s with one of the top surgeons on staff. Not that any of them are bad, but he’s the one I’d pick if I had to. Forcing my body to move to my patient, I’m numb. I triple check his meds before administering them. I don’t need to make any mistakes because my mind isn’t where it needs to be.
I try not to let myself think about the what ifs. What if his family loses him? What if Gabby loses him? The Carpinos have lost dearly over the last few years with Gabby’s parents’ car accident. And I can’t let myself think about what if I lost him. But I do think about everything he’s given me in the past two months. Reasons to smile. Reasons to laugh. Reasons to forget. Reasons to be happy. Reasons to feel alive.
I’ve taken it all.
I go to find my head nurse to beg off early. I’ve already agreed to work back to back shifts Christmas Eve and Christmas, allowing other nurses to be home with their families. She seems kind, maybe she’ll understand.
Tony
“His stats are good, Lizzie. He’s here because he lost a lot of blood and they had to remove his spleen, but he’s stable. You and Tony should try to rest. Visiting hours begin at eight in the morning.” I hear a smooth voice. Leigh … she’s here. “Yeah, I don’t have another shift until tomorrow night. I’ll go home in the morning to sleep. I promise I won’t leave him, Lizzie. Get some rest.”
I barely feel anything, but sense something brushing across my forehead. My eyelids are anvils. I’ve tried a couple of times but I’ve barely gotten glimpses of my parents, Gabby, my sisters, and I can’t even remember who else. Now it’s quiet other than her. I try again to lift my lids and there she is—Leigh, inches from my face.
“Hey,” she whispers, her worried face gazing down at me. Her hand is on my forehead, her fingers brushing through my hair. “You’re going to be okay. Go back to sleep.”
I pull my hand up as best I can and she grabs it to threads our fingers. I open my eyes to see her lean in close.
“Leigh,” I try, but it barely comes out through my rough throat.
“Tony, they just gave you more pain meds, go back to sleep. Don’t fight it.”
“Gem,” I start, but she cuts me off.
“Please, Tony. Rest.”
Not because I want to but because I can’t fight it, my eyes go heavy and I can’t keep them open another second, losing her beautiful face. I start to drift off, but I swear I feel her lips brush the corner of my mouth and she whispers, “I’m sorry, Tony.”
As much as I want to see her, touch her, know she’s real after what I just fucking went through and being shot, I can’t find the strength to stay awake.
Then there was nothing.
Gabby
Three days later
I hear her come in the house and look up from my Kindle. Looking across the great room and through the kitchen, Mia races that way as she greets my dog before I see her. She comes around the corner in her scrubs and sees me, freezes for a millisecond before quickly recovering, looks away and goes straight to the refrigerator. She’s been avoiding me and everyone else since Tony was shot. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but I do know she’s avoiding everyone to avoid Tony, and that pisses me off.
I break into the silence. “How was your day?”
She sighs as she stares into the refrigerator. “Busy.”
I let her have her silence for a few minutes as she pulls out some leftovers to nuke. Finally speaking, she asks, “Where’s Jude?”
“Working late.”
She nods before studying her dinner.
“It’s been three days, Leigh.”
Her eyes immediately shoot to mine and she bites her lip.
“He asked for you again today.”
She takes a bite, chews slowly, and the silence hangs between us.
“Leigh?”
“How is he?” She tries to pull off conversational but it comes out strangled.
“He’s grumpy,” I stress. “Not to mention pissed. He said he’s called you. And texted. He said you won’t respond.”
“I’ve been busy, working my shifts and picking up extras so other nurses can be off for the holidays. I’ve told you this.”
“You work in the same building where he’s hospitalized, Leigh. Go see him.”
“You know how busy I am at work and—”
“He asked how you were sleeping,” I add sharply, interrupting her.
She shuts her mouth.
“He’s worried about you.”
“Gabby, please—”
“I told him you look tired,” I press.
She drops her fork and glares at me. Yanking open the cabinet to the trash, she dumps her barely touched dinner and roughly puts her dishes into the dishwasher before stomping through great room, toward the basement.
Just before disappearing around the corner to the stairs, she turns but doesn’t look back. “He’ll be discharged soon. He needs to rest so his body can heal. Make sure he has a quiet space to do that. I know you all are going to want to be near him—help him, cook for him, and everything else you all are so good at. Do it in a way he can rest without the chaos.”
With that, she disappears to the basement with my dog running after her.
Well, shit. That didn’t go well.
Jude
One Week Later
I rap on his door after ringing the bell twice. It’s been well over a week and even though he’s been shot, he can get off his ass to open the front door. I haven’t seen him for a couple days since Christmas Eve when he was a downright Scrooge. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to be pissy after taking a bullet, but I know it’s more about Leigh than a GSW to the gut.
I hear the lock. He swings the door open and stares at me. He doesn’t invite me in, tell me to fuck off, or even move out of the way to let me know I’m welcome even if he’s pissed I’m here.
I hold up my bag. “Bleu Peppercorn Burger or Reuben—both with fries. You pick, I’ll eat the other. You gonna let me in?”
He picks option number three, moving silently lettin
g me know I’m welcome even though he’s pissed I’m here. Even if I did bring food.
I follow him silently to the kitchen and park it at the island as he moves slow to the fridge where he pulls out ketchup and Cokes. He comes to the island and starts opening plastic containers, grabbing the Reuben.
“What’ve you been doing?” I ask before digging into my burger.
“Working,” he mutters.
“You supposed to be working?”
Without turning away from his sandwich, he looks to me and, with a full mouth, he bites, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Yeah … sorry,” I mutter. I know the silence will continue if I don’t forge on. “Gabby and I are leaving for Colorado tomorrow. We’re driving this time—she has a shit load of furniture she wants at the cabin. Not to mention the kitchen’s getting a re-haul. I’ll be glad when that’s done. We’ll be there a week, past the New Year.”
“Gabby told me.”
“I figured. Leigh’ll be at the house with the dog—they’re inseparable. I can’t say that hasn’t been nice.” I toss another ketchup covered fry into my mouth.
Again, he has nothing to say so we eat quickly, mostly in silence.
Finishing my Coke and throwing my trash in the bag, I get up and pull a piece of paper out of my pocket and hold it up to him between my index and middle fingers.
He frowns. “What’s this?”
“Just tryin’ to repay a favor. Or favors, I should say. You invited me to Fantasy Football and now I’m getting married in two months. Not to mention you took a bullet for your cousin and my woman. If you want, I’ll kidnap Leigh myself and drag her ass over here, but I thought you’d rather try and finesse the situation a bit first. I don’t want her to hate me but if it comes to that, I’ll do it. For now, that’s her schedule at the hospital for the next two weeks. Good luck man.” I slap him on the shoulder and without looking back, I leave him in the kitchen knowing he’ll work it out while letting myself out the front door. Maybe he’ll have this shit wrapped up before we get back from the cabin. Gabby’s driving me insane with the he-said-she-said drama from hell. She has a wedding to plan.
Leigh
New Year’s Eve
Tony’s been home from the hospital for a little over a week. He was there for five days, at my workplace, hospitalized in the same building where I spend twelve hours at a time. But I haven’t seen him since the night he was shot and I spent the night with him when he was in ICU. I left the next morning when visiting hours started, I couldn’t stay another moment.
I cried off and on all night as I watched him sleep, the pain meds keeping him out. Thinking of the what ifs was too much. Luckily, he was moved to a regular room later the next day before I got back for my next shift. I didn’t have to see him or any of his family again during his hospital stay.
It’s been a rough time for all of the Carpinos, not just Tony. Gabby was kidnapped that awful day which is what led to Tony getting shot. It’s crazy, but twenty-five years ago Gabby’s dad was an Assistant District Attorney and prosecuted an awful man for rape and murder. The man, Dwayne Pope, went to prison for twenty-five years for his crime. Four years ago, he ordered his gang of thugs to mess with the steering on Gabby’s parents’ car which led to their death.
The Carpinos just learned this information, although her uncles had their suspicions, they never told Gabby. She has had to come to terms with the fact her parents were murdered and their death was not an accident, reliving her tragedy all over again. Pope got out of prison a couple weeks ago and wanted more revenge for his time behind bars, going after Gabby. He kidnapped her, took her to the same place he raped and killed the girl twenty-five years ago. Jude and his fellow FBI agents put it all together just in time, got to Gabby but not before a scary standoff. Jude shot and killed Pope and Tony jumped in front of Gabby, taking the bullet Pope meant for her.
In typical fashion, the Carpinos have rallied around one of their own. Even if I wanted to see Tony (which I really did), I probably wouldn’t have been able to squeeze into his hospital room for all the visitors. And if it was my place (which it’s not, but I really wish it was), I would be worried about him not getting enough rest because of all those visitors. Now I’ve been worried because Gabby told me he insisted on going home to recuperate alone with no one to take care of him, but it can’t be me (even though I really wanted it to be).
No, it cannot be me. I sat with him all night in ICU even though I had already worked a twelve-hour shift, I was freaking tired and he had his own nurse. I allowed myself to run my fingers through his hair, kiss him when he was asleep, stared at his then pale from the loss of blood but still beautiful olive skin that felt magical when it was wrapped around me. I said many prayers of thanks that night his life was spared as I cried.
But most importantly, I made the decision I had nothing to offer him. He’s given to me over and over and over and I’ve taken it all. As I sat there in ICU for hours watching him sleep, I realized I had to make a clean break for his own good.
My divorce isn’t final. My nightmares aren’t just dreams, they’re my reality. I’m a mess. I’m not blind to what Tony has been doing over the last few months, but I can’t have him. He deserves someone whole, not broken and weak. As he lay there sleeping in ICU recovering from a gunshot wound, I made the decision.
Gabby told me how he asked for me when he was in the hospital. Jude even asked when I was going to see him. He called me. He texted me. But I’ve ignored it all. When he got out of the hospital the calling and texting increased. I try not to read the texts before deleting them and it crushes me to hear his voice before I have a chance to hit delete.
I’ve been without him now for almost two weeks and I’m miserable again. I didn’t think I could be more miserable than I was before but having something good and pure ripped from my life has been a whole new kind of miserable. And I’m exhausted because my dreams have slowly worked their way back into my subconscious, leaving me with the empty feeling all over again.
I’ve also mentally started making plans to move out of Gabby’s house. Jude proposed to Gabby over Christmas. Well, not really proposed, but informed her they were getting married in a way only Jude could pull off from the way Gabby described it. She also told me he gave her three months to plan the wedding which she was in fits about. The venue she wants for the reception isn’t available until the end of May, which is unacceptable to Jude.
But she got a call that they had a cancellation for the end of February giving her only two months to plan their wedding. She said absolutely not, she was booking the date in May. Jude went behind her back, called the venue, booked the February date and instructed them not to let Gabby cancel it since it was his booking. Strangely enough when Gabby called back, the May date was unavailable. They apologized and told her the earliest date they could offer was November. They further informed her since Jude booked the February date, she couldn’t cancel it. Gabby went ballistic and flew off the bride-to-be deep end.
Jude had enough. He literally picked her up at the waist, flung her over his shoulder, turned and looked to me. “We’ll be right back,” while Gabby was shouting at him to put her down. I watched with a shocked face as he passed me and took her to their bedroom.
Two minutes later, Jude walks out first wearing a half-grin. Gabby follows looking resigned yet strangely content. “It’s really important to him. We’re getting married the end of February. Clear your calendar, you’re the maid of honor.”
This all happened after Christmas and before Gabby and Jude left again for his cabin in the mountains.
It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m here by myself. I haven’t seen Tony for two weeks. I’ve worked three twelve hour shifts each week, which would be great if I had something to do outside of work. Now I’m off for another three days which seriously sucks when you have no life. Although, I should be grateful for the boring life. I’ll take boring over my life with Preston any day.
I should think a
bout getting a dog. I guess I should get an apartment first. I’ve decided I need to be moved out of here by the end of January. Gabby is going to fight me on this, but my divorce should be final by then and they need their own space starting their lives together.
I just poured myself a glass of wine, made myself a plate of snacks and Mia and I are heading downstairs for more Sex in the City. By ourselves.
That’s when my phone beeps with a text.
“Shit,” I mutter to myself.
I try and tell myself not to read it, but like always I’m weak and read it quickly before I delete it even though I tell myself not to. But this one gets my attention and I can’t make myself delete it.
Tony – I don’t feel good.
I’m sure he’s by himself. I don’t think he’s supposed to drive for another couple of days. I tell myself it’s the nurse in me that wants to know what’s wrong with him, not the depressing real-life me that misses him.
Me – How don’t you feel good?
Tony – I think I have a fever and my incision is swollen.
Tony – And red.
That’s not good. It sounds like he has an infection. It really isn’t good if he’s waited so long it’s swollen and red.
Me – It could be infected, you should go to the hospital.
Tony – Can you look at it first? I’m tired. Don’t want to go if I don’t need to.
I sigh and look at my phone, hesitating.
Tony – I’d appreciate it.
Shit. I can’t tell him no because I’m worried he won’t go if he needs to go.
Me – Fine. I’ll be there in fifteen.
Tony – The front door will be open.
“Great,” I mutter. I look over and ask my closest companion. “You want to go for a ride, Mia?”