by Linda Ford
“Sure. I really enjoyed our last walk.” Her cheeks darkened.
Dare he think she remembered with pleasure his company more than she remembered the animals or the views? “I’ll ask Audrey to keep Megan.”
“That’s not necessary. I don’t want to be a nuisance.”
He faced her. “Connie, don’t you think you’re overusing that word? No one thinks you’re a nuisance. But you have to choose to believe it.”
“I’m trying.”
“Good.” He picked up Megan, his ribs protesting. He ignored the pain and took the baby inside. “Audrey, can you keep Megan while Connie and I go for a walk?”
“I’d love to.” She took the baby and rubbed noses with her, making them both chuckle.
He realized Connie had followed him to the door. No doubt to make sure Audrey didn’t mind watching Megan.
Audrey saw her. “You deserve some time without her, and I deserve some time with her.”
Connie nodded. “So long as you don’t mind.” She didn’t think Megan would fuss at Connie’s absence so long as she wasn’t away too long.
“I don’t. Away you go and have fun.”
Jake guided her out the door before she changed her mind. He turned them toward the back of the yard. The house was built close to the base of a hill, with trees to provide some protection from the endless winds that buffeted the area. They went past the garden. He and his brothers had recently turned over the soil and Audrey had planted it. Soon little green seedlings would emerge.
Connie paused to look at the neatly furrowed rows. “Audrey will have her hands full weeding.”
“Unless you stay and help.” Where had that come from?
She stared at him. “Why would you say that?”
Now that the words were out, they made sense. “You’d have lots of help with Megan.”
“But she doesn’t belong here. You made that plain.”
Had he, or had she interpreted what he said to reflect her feelings of being a nuisance? But he wasn’t about to point that out again. “Why couldn’t she belong here?”
Connie turned away to stare at the garden spot though he wondered if she saw beyond the brown soil.
“Sooner or later everyone would tire of us.” She seemed to guess at how he would object. “I need to make plans for her that will give her a permanent home, a future.” She looked toward the hill. “Are we going that direction?”
“We are.” He could ask her to marry him, but he guessed she would see herself as a substitute for Celia. Would even think he suggested it out of pity. Both of which she had voiced objection to. How could he convince her it was neither? Or was it? His feelings were so new, so confused, he didn’t know how to explain them.
They made their way through the trees. Connie’s skirt billowed out and she laughed as the force of the wind pushed at her.
They climbed the hill and stopped to gaze about. The grass had greened more since the last time they’d walked. In places he caught the dull gold of older grass left over from last year. Bright patches of yellow and paler patches of purple dotted the hill.
They stood side by side looking at the view.
A hawk soared overhead, riding the currents as effortlessly as a kite. Then it screeched and dove for the ground, swooping up just before it touched down, a rodent in its claws.
Connie gasped. “I thought it was going to crash.”
“They’re excellent hunters. So are coyotes.” He told of watching coyotes hunting mice in the snow. “They leap up and come down on their prey. It’s fun to watch.” In the distance, something moved. Like a rock rolling across the grassland. He pointed it out to her.
“What is it?”
“A badger. Would you like to see it closer?”
“Is it safe?”
“We won’t go close enough to threaten it.”
They trotted down the hill. The badger saw them coming, watched a moment, then started to dig.
Jake caught Connie’s hand to stop them. “See how fast he digs.”
She laughed at the dirt flying out behind the animal.
“Badgers are fascinating. They have very long claws to dig with and can dig either direction. I tried to get close to one once, and he turned on me. I think he would have torn me to pieces if I hadn’t left in a hurry.”
She stared at him. “Why would you want to get that close?”
“I thought of capturing it.”
“For what purpose?”
“Educational.” He sounded so sincere she believed him for a moment.
Then she laughed. “I’d say he gave you an education, all right.”
The badger turned to peer out from the hole he dug.
“His claws are enough to rip you to pieces.” She shuddered. “Good thing you didn’t get any closer than you did.”
He thought he’d show her just how fierce the animals could be and charged at the animal, expecting him to turn and retreat into his hole. Instead, snarling his displeasure, the badger waddled toward him at a surprisingly fast pace.
Connie screamed and fled back a few paces. “Jake, run.”
She didn’t have to tell him. He backed off as fast as he could. He caught Connie’s hand and they raced away, not stopping until they had gone a good distance. Only then did they look back. The badger had disappeared, probably down his hole.
He sank to the ground and lay on his back. “For a minute I forgot about my ribs.”
She sat beside him. “Are they hurting lots?”
“Some.” He pushed aside his pain and smiled up at her. “That was fun, wasn’t it?”
“It was scary and dangerous. Why would you do it?”
“To see what would happen. Truth is, I expected him to go down his hole.”
“You know what Celia said about you?”
“I don’t think I want to know.”
Connie looked down at him. “She said what she most liked about you was you liked to do dangerous stuff.”
Feeling somewhat at a disadvantage, he sat up to face her. “That’s not true at all.”
“Then why would she say it?”
He looked past her shoulder as the truth grew clear. “She dared me to do things. I didn’t always resist.” He brought his gaze back to her, saw the curiosity and caution in her eyes.
“So, you agreed simply to please her?”
“No. Well, sort of. No man likes to be called scared.”
“Was it fun?”
“What? Doing stupid things?”
“That and earning her approval.”
Jake wanted to deny it. “I suppose it was fun at first. But I got tired of having to prove myself to her.” A strand of hair blew across Connie’s cheek. He caught it and tucked it behind her ear. “A person should be accepted for who they are. Not what another person can make them be.”
“I like that.”
For good measure, he added, “That doesn’t mean another person can’t see the truth, the potential of who you are.”
She half-lowered her gaze then jerked back up to meet his. “You’re meaning me, aren’t you?”
He nodded. “I am.”
Her look probed deep, searching for something. He wished he knew what. He would offer it if at all possible.
“What truth or potential do you see in me?” Her words were soft, her breath a whisper across his face.
He’d already told her, but he was willing to say it again. He expected she might need to hear it many times before she believed it. “I see you as a strong, independent woman who is not afraid of the future.”
She nodded; her gaze hungry.
Realizing she might see that as her needing to leave and start a new life in Fort Macleod, he added, “I see you as a giving, gentle woman, worthy of love and tenderness.”
He watched a battle wage in her thoughts. Knew she wanted to believe him but wasn’t ready to.
Before she could completely close off to him, he pulled her to her feet, ignoring the pain in his ribs. He held b
oth her hands so she couldn’t run away.
“Connie, maybe someday you will realize who you are.”
* * *
Connie wanted to believe the things he said. Wanted to be seen as a woman worthy of love and tenderness. But all her life she’d known she was nothing but a nuisance to her parents. And a pale shadow to her cousin. She’d done her best to be unobtrusive. Helpful. Valuable.
“I never gave my parents any trouble. But the one time I need something from them, they reject me. Both me and Megan.” Her words came out on hot breath.
He ran his hands up her arms and squeezed. “I can’t imagine how that hurt. But it didn’t stop you from doing the right thing.”
“Megan deserves love.”
“So do you.” His smile was so tender it brought tears to her eyes.
“I made my choice. Megan is all that matters to me.” She saw disappointment cloud his eyes and couldn’t think why he should feel that way.
“Because of how Celia filled out the birth record, I could claim her as mine.”
She stepped back. “You wouldn’t do that to me. To her.”
He caught her hands and kept her from fleeing. “I would never take her from you.”
She stared. She shook her head. “I don’t understand.” He couldn’t mean what it sounded like. Did he mean for them to raise Megan together? How? What sort of arrangement did he have in mind? What was she willing to agree to?
It wasn’t as if she could expect love and romance. The whole package that she’d half-imagined the first time she’d taken notice of him. How foolish of her to allow such far-fetched dreams.
He likely didn’t even remember. No one saw her when Celia was there.
A movement past his shoulder caught her eye. “Jake, is that a rider?”
Jake dropped her hands and swung about. “It is, but it’s too far away to know for sure who it is.”
She stared. If that was Mr. Howard, why was he still this close to the ranch? What did the man want?
Alarm dried her mouth. Megan was back at the house with Audrey who had no idea the man still hung around. Her tongue was so dry she could hardly speak. “We have to get back.”
“Yes, we do.” He caught her hand. She held her skirt up so she could run. They didn’t slow down, even though she heard the way his breath caught as he fought the pain in his ribs. Not until they reached the end of the garden and could see the house and yards did they stop running.
They entered through the kitchen door and hurried out to the porch where Audrey and Megan were safe and sound.
Audrey came to her feet as they stopped beside her. “You’re out of breath. What happened?”
“Has anyone been here?” Jake asked.
“No. Why? What’s going on?”
“We saw a rider.” He pointed in the direction they’d seen him.
“The same man as yesterday?” Audrey studied the yard and the trees.
“I couldn’t tell. But why would he still be here?” Jake looked at Connie. They shared the secret knowledge that Mr. Howard might have known Celia.
Jake bent over Bowser. “At least we know he won’t be coming in without us knowing. Right, Bowser boy?”
The dog wriggled all over, a silly look on his face.
Connie hugged Bowser. “You’re a really, really good dog.” She hugged Megan then stood to look around. No sign of a rider approaching.
“Odd that he’s hanging around. If it’s him.” Audrey shielded her eyes to search the distance. After a bit, she lowered her hand. “Jake, I’m glad you got elected to stay here.”
“Elected?” He scoffed. “I volunteered.”
She grinned and tapped his chest. “Admit it. You stayed home to nurse your ribs.”
He grunted and feigned pain at her touch. “I wouldn’t have been much help. Probably get in the way if I tried. Can you imagine me swinging an ax or carrying a heavy log?” He grimaced and made a show out of how much pain that kind of work would bring.
Connie chuckled. “You’re really funny.”
He preened. “Thank you.”
Megan had been playing with Bowser but plopped down on her bottom, tipped forward, and wailed.
“I should have been looking after her.” Connie scooped up the baby, who thrashed in her arms. Connie walked back and forth on the porch floor, singing softly, bouncing Megan and trying to calm her, but Megan had passed the point of no return. Connie sat in the rocking chair, her arms tightly around Megan to still her frantic movements, and rocked her.
“Can I help?” Jake asked.
“When she does this, it seems she has to get it out. All I can do is hold her and wait. But you could get me her blanket. It’s a little knitted one on her bed between the dresser and the wall.”
“Perhaps she’s only hungry.” Audrey bent over to speak to Megan. “Are you hungry? Shall I get you something to eat?”
Megan screamed louder. She would have kicked out, but Connie held her too close.
“I leave you to it while I throw together some lunch for us.” Audrey retreated into the kitchen leaving Connie alone with the upset baby.
She didn’t believe Megan was being purposely naughty. No, the baby was distraught over so many changes in her life. Unable to understand any explanation, she simply erupted from time to time. Her outbursts were less frequent than they had been in the beginning. Connie believed her patience and love would enable Megan to adjust.
As she rocked the baby, she told her about their future. “We’ll live in a little house in Fort Macleod. We’ll plant flowers and watch them bloom. We’ll make matching dresses and go to church in them.” She smiled to think of them doing so. “The future is as bright as we want it to be.”
She wouldn’t be alone. She’d have Megan.
Which did not mean she wouldn’t be lonely.
* * *
Jake felt like an intruder as he went into Connie’s room. The bed was neatly made. No item of clothing lay around or hung from the hooks. No brush or mirror rested on the washstand. It was like she kept everything packed away, prepared to leave. The idea made him press his hand to his ribs.
Like she couldn’t wait to be gone.
He went to the little bed Connie had made for Megan and picked up the knitted pink blanket and headed back to the porch.
“She seems to be settling,” Audrey said. “So be quiet.”
“Aye, aye.” He saluted as he tiptoed across the room and slowly opened the door.
Connie was talking softly to Megan. Jake paused to listen.
“I’m sorry I left you so long, sweetheart. It was selfish of me. I know you get upset if you think you’ve been left, and I don’t blame you. Poor little baby. You’ve lost so much. But soon we’ll have our own home. Just you and me. We’ll do fine on our own, won’t we? We don’t need anyone else. We don’t want anyone else. Isn’t that right?”
Jake drew back. So that was what she wanted. To be alone. Independent. Thankfully, he had not offered her more. Hadn’t let himself care more. Because he knew better. Nothing lasted forever.
“What’s wrong?” Audrey asked.
“I don’t want to disturb them.” He sucked in air until his lungs hurt.
“Connie seemed to think Megan needed that blanket.”
He looked at the square of pink in his hands. “I forgot.” He stiffened his spine and spoke loudly to Audrey as he reached for the door. “I’ll take it to her right away.” He stepped to the porch.
Megan’s crying intensified at his approach.
He handed Connie the blanket.
“Thanks.” She snuggled it around Megan. “There you go. Doesn’t that feel good?”
Jake couldn’t look at them. Didn’t think he could hide his feelings. “I’ll have a look around and make sure everything’s all right.” He strode toward the barn. What he needed was a good hard ride.
But by the time he reached the barn, he knew he couldn’t saddle his horse, let alone endure the bouncing of a ride. He strode arou
nd the perimeter of the barn, as much to relieve the tension coiling in his stomach as to check on things.
He would have wandered around the yards all afternoon except Audrey called, “Dinner is on.” With a sigh and a promise to himself to remember the folly of caring for anyone, he returned to the house.
Connie was at the table.
“Where’s Megan?” he asked.
“She fell asleep and I put her down to nap. Hopefully she’ll be in a better mood after she’s slept.”
He and Audrey took their places.
“Jake, you can say grace.” Audrey bowed her head and waited.
He shepherded his thoughts together. He had no reason to be disappointed. In fact, he should be relieved to be reminded of the transitory nature of life. Hardly things he could voice in a prayer, so he settled on a rote grace his mother had taught him so many years ago. “God our Father, Lord, and Savior. Thank you for your love and favor. Bless this food and drink we pray.
And all who share with us today. Amen.”
The words were a sharp reminder of his mother and how quickly she had been snatched from his life. Exactly what he needed to keep in mind.
Audrey had prepared a light meal of fried potatoes, side pork, and fresh greens. “Where did you find these? They’re a delicious treat after a winter without anything fresh.”
She grinned at him. “It’s lamb’s quarter. I found it along the pasture. I remember how your mother would look for this plant every spring.”
Jake chuckled, earning him a questioning look from both women. “That grace I said was one Ma taught me. And now you remember something she taught you.”
Audrey’s smile filled her eyes with pleasure. “It’s like we’re honoring her today.”
Jake felt an incredible peace and joy at the idea.
“She would want you to have happy memories of her and to enjoy them.” His sister studied him a minute. “Otherwise I think she would think her love had been wasted.”
Jake glanced at Connie to see what she thought of this conversation. She was looking at Audrey, perhaps as curious as he as to what his sister meant.
Audrey chuckled. “I can see that you’re puzzled, so I will explain. She loved you and you loved her.”