'Okay. No more pain, though, please.' My head was pounding. My face burned, whilst pins and needles danced over my skin. Other parts of my body hurt, but I couldn't quite work out which ones. I settled for, ‘All of me hurts..’ I vomited. Fairly certain that the exertion made me shit myself.
'Okay, Jane, I need you to open your mouth.' That was easy. My mouth opened without a struggle. Shredded muscle and skin immediately let me know that was a bad idea. A liquid was squirted in even as I closed it again. My tongue went immediately numb, then a delicious warmth spread down my throat as I instinctively swallowed. Pins and needles begone! I thought and go they did.
'Right, she's going to be completely out of it, only this time because of the painkiller and not because of the poison.' Words which should have filled me with fear, but the warmth grew, and I gave up trying to keep my eyes open.
'Ah, Patient Doe. Good to see you're back with us,' said a voice from somewhere to my right. Cracking open an eye, I struggled to understand how some looking like the Granny Smith's granny could pour so much scorn and sarcasm into so few words. It was if every single British-sounding Hollywood villain had been condensed into the angelic form of everyone's favourite grandmother.
'Um,' not the best comeback, I'll grant you, but I had nearly been killed a number of times already this week, so witty comebacks using my full vocabulary were not my strong point.
'Breakfast is in twenty minutes. Patients must eat out of their beds. You can use the chair and table to your other side. Please ensure you wear your allocated dressing gown. We don't need to see any more of you than is necessary. I'll have the help bring you a cup of tea.' And with that flurry of words, she was gone, leaving me feeling slightly guilty for ever having needed to use their facilities, and annoyed at the way she had made me feel so shitty.
I leaned over to snag the dressing gown hanging beside my bed, hearing the door to my room open as I did so. 'Nice bum. Is she gone?' Dawn stage-whispered from my room's door. I don't do Wards of a health-related nature. Private rooms only. Never know when I might come across some I've Marked before. Rare, as most of my Marks are what Mundanes term to be wet work, but some are of the detain and hold nature.
'Yeah,' I whispered back as I snagged my gown back down, trying to hide my blush at her compliment.
'She looked so nice until she called me that Wyldling,' said Dawn, 'I felt like a right piece of shit after that. Some fucking bedside manner.' She plonked herself down on the bed, making the air in the medical mattress whoosh out like a tremendous wet fart. We were still weeping with laughter when Granny Demon returned with the tea.
'Still in bed, I see. Full of good humour, too.' She placed the tea onto my bedside table. 'I couldn't find the help. Damned Brownie.'
'What did you say?' Dawn's voice was colder than an Ice Giant's testes.
'Brownie. Tasked to serve the patients, when she can be bothered,' Granny Demon's voice was just as cold. But I sensed a hint of enjoyment in her tone.
'Oh well, never mind,' I said in my brightest voice. 'Thank you for bringing the tea. Any idea when I might be able to leave?'
'Mr Rowntree just needs to come and check you over, then you'll be free to get on with whatever it is people like you do.'
'How the hell did you get me to the hospital?' I asked as we walked out of the main entrance.
'Called a mate. He owed me a favour. Wasn't impressed at the blood stains on his car seat, though.'
'I bet he wasn't.' I placed a hand on her arm, stopping her for a moment. 'Listen, I am so sorry that things have got so out of hand. You've been well and truly thrown into the deep end. No apprentice should have to go through the shit I've put you through these last few days.'
She answered me with a huge smile that lit up her entire face. 'Seriously, boss, I'm bloody loving it. Haven't had so much fun since me and my mates tried to Gone in 60 Seconds.' She cackled at some memory, even going so far as to rub her hands together. 'You've shown me a world I always felt existed, but I always saw out of the corner of my eye. This is the best time of my life. Could do with less blood and pain right now, though.'
I pulled her into a hug, holding her as tightly as she held me. All too soon, I made myself pull free.
'Right, let's call Apple taxis and we'll head over to the Book Cover. We need to let Mrs. Lebowski known what's going on. I could do with a Corpse Reviver.'
We had more than one drink whilst we gave Mrs. Lebowski the run-down of what had passed since we were last in the Book Cover.
'Well, no one could accuse you of holding back. Do you ever not kill everyone who gets in your way?' She held up a hand as I opened my mouth to answer. 'Rhetorical question. Killing Smith has caused a few ripples, a lot of people scrambling to dissociate themselves and, of course, there are some serious investigations being carried out. The Shadow War will last a while. Removing the Vamp was unavoidable but will have left a small power gap.'
'No way I was going to give Dawn over to her,' I said, looking over at my apprentice as I spoke.'
'No way I'd have gone. I can't stand disco,' chuckled Dawn.
'I'm a fan. It had people making an effort to dress up, and the dancing was far more energetic than the English two-step around handbags,' Lebowski said as she sipped from her Gentleman Jack over ice. 'However, killing the Werewolves will have left a large power gap. A big one I fear might have ramifications in the future.'
'And what about that prick, Pete?' asked Dawn.
'He was someone who won't even be missed by those he was close to. As close as someone like him could get. No, the Were are what I'm worried about behind the current situation we find ourselves in.'
'Thank God, we don't have to worry about that right now. None of his boys are going to dare go against us after this,' I said, 'and to be honest, I'm happy to let the UnderCity deal with any Were issues.'
The only answer Lebowski gave was a disapproving-sounding sniff. 'What do you need from me?' Her tone suggested we only ever went to her when we needed something. Guiltily, I looked around the bar, taking in the brand-new but still gorgeous décor for a few seconds whilst I summed up the bravery to ask her for help. And confirm that her tone was well deserved.
'We need to get into Elsewhere, track down the bastard responsible and, more importantly, get our friend back in one piece. Speaking of which, what do you know about the Moonlit Refuge?' I was starting to get a nice fuzzy feeling from the drinks, it felt great to relax even though we were still talking about business. I was definitely going to be taking a couple of weeks off before we took on our next Mark. Skiing maybe. Somewhere fun, anyway.
'It's permanently night, with a Hunter's Moon giving the light needed. Heavily defended, it's surrounded by a dry moat filled with Demon's Vine and Leech Orchids. Red Caps make up most of the guard, with some Hobgoblins as a shock guard. Oh, and Fachan Fae.' She paused to let that sink in and waited until I'd picked my jaw up from the ground, whilst Dawn swore solidly for a good half-minute. 'I suggest that if you're looking to go there that you make absolutely sure you have all the equipment you need. A good rest would work, too.'
'If we wait too long, though, word of what Pete has told us will get back to the enemy, surely.' I couldn't tell if I was making a statement or asking a question. I was that fucking tired. 'Actually, a rest sounds really good.'
'Good,' she said as if she was a teacher grading a student. 'Take a couple of hours to get the edge off, you both look like utter shit, and I'm surprised you have had Tesco chasing for its bags back.'
'Huh, humour, very witty,' I said with a smile.
'Give me an Icon or password to get past the Wards on your house, and I'll send one of my people to the supplies you need.' She held up a hand as I opened my mouth to protest, 'And we'll solemnly swear, blah blah blah to respect the sanctity of your house and accept this as a one-off and not Binding invitation. You're too dear to us to attempt a double-cross.'
I nodded, exhaustion washing over me now that I'd admitted just how
tired I was. I could see that Dawn was constantly knuckling her mouth to hide the near continuous yawns escaping her mouth, 'Fine. Deal. Thank you, we really appreciate this.'
It took less than an hour to get everything prepared, for the Vows to be said, and for Mrs. Lebowski to show us to part of the Book Cover I'd never seen. Considering that it was built from pocket universes, I shouldn’t have been surprised. Hubris, however, had me believe I knew everything there was to know about the place.
'This is one of our guest rooms. We don't usually let full-blooded humans stay here, so I'll appreciate discretion on your behalf as well as the tacit understanding that I'll tear your throat out with my own teeth if you ever mention the existence of these rooms to anyone.'
'Yeah, sure,' I said as she gave me one of those toothy smiles of hers and opened the door leading into the room.
'Fuck me, that's beautiful!' gushed Dawn as she pushed past to stand in the opulence that greeted us. 'It's like something out of the bloody Versailles Palace!' She patted one of the two four-poster beds that stood in a room easily as big as a new build house.
'Well,' I glanced over at Lebowski as she spoke and was surprised to see that she looked embarrassed, 'that's probably because it was taken from Versailles, around the time of the Musketeers. We had an agreement with a few people back then.'
'Bagsy this one!' said Dawn, leaping onto the centuries-old bed without a care in the world.
'Ah fuck it,' I said and launched myself into the air. I honestly think that I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Dawn said it was because I clonked my bonce on one of the posts.
'I still think that you're utterly mad to be doing this,' Lebowski said as she opened the Gateway to Elsewhere. 'Which is why myself and some friends of my House will be helping you.'
She looked utterly bad ass. Her armour was like she was covered in sea urchins. Spikes covered every part of her armour, each piece a different colour, shimmering in the perpetual low light of the Book Cover, and they glistened as she'd just walked out of a rock pool. For all I knew, she might have. I was still groggy from a sleep that seemed to have been far deeper than I expected. I had my suspicions that the beds had some form of Glamour on them. Still, I felt refreshed and ready to take on the world. Which, in a sense, I was going to be. Dawn looked utterly bad ass as well now that she had a set of clean kit and a full complement of weapons.
'As an aside, you're not scared of spiders, are you?'
'Well, not fond of anything too big. You know, those black buggers that hide between the gaps in bricks and wave their chunky legs at you,' I said with a slight shudder. It wasn't that I was afraid they might hurt me, just that they bloody scuttled everywhere.
'Not fussed to be honest. Held a tarantula once at an experience day, it was bloody lush,' said Dawn.
'Remember I mentioned the Red Caps?' We both nodded. 'Well, they ride spiders into battle.'
'What the actual fuck do you mean they ride the spiders? Just how small is a Red Cap?'
'Well, the average Red Cap is about five-foot-six. Their spiders are about eight-foot-long in the body and can rise up to fifteen feet in combat.'
'Okay, I'm scared of that sort of spider,' said Dawn, hand over her mouth. 'I bet the bastards are poisonous, as well.'
'Oh, yes,' said Lebowski with a relish that I thought was wholly unsuitable as I tried not to freak the fuck out. Indiana Jones' weakness was snakes, so I was perfectly happy to admit at that point that fifteen-foot-tall poisonous spiders was mine. 'They have two-foot long fangs that are filled with both neurotoxins and a venom that is haemotoxic, necrotising, and paralysing. They also have an anti-coagulant.'
'Wait, so we'll be paralysed, bleed to death whilst our toxic blood circulates around our body, and our flesh rots?' asked Dawn.
'Well, only if you let it get hold of you. Which it'll try to do by casting a line of web at you. All whilst the rider is doing their best to kill you, as well.' I was certain that Lebowski was pulling our legs now. Well, not necessarily certain, more desperately praying to every god I could of think of that she was. The way that this Mark was going meant I held out very little hope.
'Any chance I can get a transfer to a safe job, boss?' said Dawn. Looking over I saw that she was paler than I'd ever seen her. 'I hear that Mosul, or maybe even Raqqa have requirements for people with our skill set.'
She wasn't wrong, the Mundane battle in the Middle East had quickly spilled over into the realms of the Magical community, with the result that we were as deeply entrenched in those wars as we hadn't been since the Crusades. It had taken a lot of bridge building to repair the damage done during those terrible centuries, and it had all come undone at the stroke of Tony Blair's pen and the first invasion of Iraq.
'Shush,' I said as Dawn looked as though she was going to keep babbling. 'We're committed. Spiders scare the living shit out of me, especially when they’re Red Cap spiders, but I seriously doubt they can hold out against RIP rounds and Fireballs. Right?' That last was directed at Lebowski.
'Probably. We'll just say yes so we can get things moving. I've arranged to meet with my friends in twenty minutes. Just time enough to go over the plan as it is. Shall we?'
'Wow, now that's what I call a bloody moon!' whispered Dawn as she stared up at the red giant hanging in the air. All around were the shadows cast by the light of the hunter's moon that was directly above the Moonlit Refuge. At least three times as large as our moon, it cast a sickly red light all about. Surprisingly, there were flowers, grass and deciduous tress, despite the lack of sunlight. Magic, always challenging the laws of nature, I thought wryly. Man versus nature never truly had a chance. Magic versus nature, however… Anything could be achieved. Including bastard-big spiders.
'We're roughly five hundred metres from where I said we would meet my friends. We should move. Quietly, if possible,' said Lebowski as she rose to her feet and silently glided off into the distance.
Dawn shrugged as I looked over at her, then also rose and set off. Compared to Lebowski, she was as loud as herd of pissed up and pregnant elephants learning to tap dance. I swore to myself as I waited for her to get ten metres away, then rose myself. We'd decided that because we didn't know what Wards or similar defence the Moonlit Refuge had, that I wouldn't Cast any magic, nor use any Icons until I had no other option. Every crunch of a leaf or crack of a small twig had me wincing.
Moving as carefully as we could meant that it took far longer for us to cover the five hundred metres than it should Every time there was a noise that we hadn't made, we froze. Every time a mouse farted, we bloody froze. It felt that we spent more time not moving than we did moving, and the strain on our nerves and bodies was intense. I was sweating and cursing the pain in my thighs when we finally reached the rendezvous.
'Well, either the idiots guarding this place are clinically dead, or just don't care that we're here. Couldn't you at least have tried to be quiet?' hissed Lebowski as she greeted her friends with a complicated series of hand signals.
'With respect, I'm not a fucking ninja. You knew I couldn't use Icons, and Dawn was making just as much noise as me. We're not all hollow-boned, you know!' I hissed back, my cheeks burning as her friends turned amused looks on us. Some had the decency to hide their smiles behind their hands, whilst others indulged themselves and laughed silently, their whole bodies rocking.
'Not fair, boss!' whispered Dawn, prodding me hard in the side. 'There's no way the enemy would have heard me over your stomping about.' She crossed her arms and even stuck her bottom lip in a pout that had my heart melting even as I tried not to burst out into giggles.
Reaching out, I placed a hand on her arm, 'Sorry, you're right. That was a shitty thing for me to say.'
She sniffed, then gave me a low nod.
'Now that the lovers are reconciled, can we please set about the business at hand?' The speaker had a voice deeper and richer than Worf's, and it even made my knees go a little weak. Even in the moonlight, he was gorgeous. Stunning go
od looks and beauty all rolled into one. He was literally every straight woman's wet dream, and from the large sigh Dawn gave, no one could resist his charm. Or was that Charm?
'Sorry,’ I said, having to swallow twice my mouth was so dry. 'We tend to get easily distracted. Have you been able to scout the objective?'
'I have,' he said, pausing to holdout a hand to Dawn, who was trying to lay her head on his shoulder without being impaled on a spike, 'but there is no simple way in. We either try to storm the gates, which I do not recommend, or scale the walls. Which I also do not recommend.'
'Is there any other way in?' I asked.
'None. If I had to pick one way it would be over the wall. That way we only have to deal with Bleeder Vines, Pop-Eye Mushrooms, and any guards on the top.'
'Popeye?' said Dawn.
'No. Pop. Eye. When touched, they launch spores into the it. As soon as they make skin contact, the sorts button into the flesh and travel to the eye. When enough have entered the eye, it explodes, and the spores use the blood and tissue to aid in the growth of more mushrooms.'
Dawn didn't bother answering. There was nothing that could be said.
'Right. Thanks for the warning. Wall it is then. Lead on!'
It took another two hours for us to find a spot on the wall that both Dawn and I felt we could scale. Amongst the sorted supplies we'd bought with us was a whole host of climbing paraphernalia. One item Dawn was itching to get her hands on.
'Make sure you angle it correctly. If the grappling hook hits the wall, it's going to be bloody loud,' I said into her ear.
'Stop, it tickles,' she said, dogging an elbow deep into my ribs. Raising the grappling gun, she breathed in, slowly breathed out, then held her breath. With a whoosh of compressed air, the hook sailed away into the night sky, a line trailing behind it.
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