by Tommy Baker
In a study performed by psychologists at the University of Illinois in 2008, researchers found regret to be the most beneficial out of the 12 identified “negative” traits including anger, anxiety, boredom, disappointment, disgust, fear, frustration, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and shame.10 If we process it correctly, regret can be used as leverage to make bigger and bolder decisions in the future. We can use our experience of past regrets to ensure they don’t happen again.
And that’s exactly what I did on that January day. I’d let other potential opportunities slip through my fingers. I’d talked myself out of social circumstances. I’d told myself stories that it was simply not the right time, and I’d have another shot. We do this in all areas of life, and it comes up with my clients in business all the time.
For months, I’d been working with an entrepreneur looking to scale their service-based business. When working together, we identified an obvious roadblock: there were a few bad employees bringing the entire team down.
I don’t make decisions for my clients, but I create the container and perspective for them to make decisions. And in this case, it was obvious. It was time to get rid of these employees. The time was up. The show was over. It was all crystal clear.
Except my client didn’t do it. He knew what he had to do, and he had a window. He kept talking himself out of it:
“Well, it’s busy season in the business—so I’ll do it after.”
“Some days, they’re actually decent. Plus, no one else can do their job.”
“It’s too hard to find someone else.”
We’ve all played this game, and then a few months down the line during the busiest time of the year, they bolted without saying a word. They simply didn’t show up. My client was devastated with them deciding to leave him.
During our next session, he was experiencing massive regret with not taking swift action. But instead of ruminating on where he fell short, we used it as leverage. He would never again wait to make a hiring or firing decision. Using a trusting-your-gut mechanism we’ll explore later, he’d make the decision then and there.
Regret gives us an opportunity to choose something different. If you can flip the script on your regrets, they become a way to supercharge your future. And most important, with the right perspective they can be seen as something worth having experienced. Dr. Summerville expands:
“Regret is actually a very hopeful emotion. It’s something that is helping us learn from our mistakes and do better in the future.”11
If you’re reading this and have regrets, welcome to life. The question isn’t whether you have some; it’s what you are going to do with yours.
Flip the Script and Choose Something New
Now that we’ve explored what an unlived life looks and feels like, with the underlying theme of regret, it’s time to flip the script. It’s time to put this into action and put you in a place of clarity moving forward.
I want you to take a moment and identify your biggest regret to date. The opportunity that passed you by, getting anchored in an environment you hated or staying in that relationship for two years too long.
We all have them, and I want you to go there. Often, we use a coping mechanism for regret in the form of avoidance. It’s easier to ignore the pain of a regret than to face it head on. However, by not facing it we lose the power to make a new choice.
Before you read on, I want you to identify that one regret that you haven’t dealt with. And I’m encouraging you to sit with that feeling. Let it engulf you and remind you of not knowing what could have been.
Often, I use the phrase, it’s the not knowing that kills you. And with regret, that couldn’t be more spot on. With your regret in mind, I want you to take a moment and ask yourself a few questions. Remember, this isn’t about judging yourself. Rather, it’s a way to face the regret and use it as leverage for the leap of your life:
When you think of this regret, what exactly do you feel? Be specific.
What did your ideal self really want to do in that moment? Be specific.
What specifically held you back? Describe the prevailing narrative or excuse you used.
What is it about this moment or regret that you don’t want to feel in the future?
Now that it’s happened, take a moment and identify at least three positives from experiencing this regret to help you in the future.
Using this process, you’ll be able to not only release the rumination associated with regret but also flip the script and use it as leverage next time. You’ll face another similar circumstance and that time you’ll choose something different. You’ll know, regardless of outcome, you won’t experience regret again.
There Is No Loss in Going for It
The only loss is the enduring pain that is felt when you don’t go for it. In other words, you’re playing with house money when you push the chips to the table and go all in. John’s story is one of countless stories, and the unlived life is as available to us as it was to him.
Your leap is the path to ensure you don’t wake up with a life in which you didn’t truly live, a life in which you kept your gifts to yourself and woke up one day wondering where it all went wrong.
Leap Tip: Really, What’s the Worst-Case Scenario?
If you’re here, it’s because you want something to change. Often, we’ll cling on to a painful reality and not take our leap in fear of losing it.
Remember: there is always another unfulfilling job, an environment you hate, and a relationship you can’t wait to get away from.
Make a list of the worst-case scenarios. Once you get them out of your head and on paper, they lose their power over you.
When Felix Baumgartner, the world-famous skydiver, stood at the edge of space, the world tuned in because it was a high stakes moment full of risk. He was breaking the limits of human potential.
But was it actually risky? It depends who you ask. For Felix, it wasn’t risky at all. For those in the program, it wasn’t either. For countless viewers and the world watching, it may have well been one of the riskiest endeavors they had ever seen.
And therein lies the lesson: risk is subjective, and the greatest risk you’ll ever face is not going for it.
It’s time to redefine risk, once and for all.
Chapter 3 Key Takeaways
Regret can be a roadblock or a catalyst. You can use regret as leverage to make new decisions or stay stuck thinking what could have been. Which will you choose?
Don’t miss your window. In life, we have windows of opportunity. Often, we talk ourselves out of them, saying they’ll come back. Instead, recognize our lives can change in an instant and don’t miss your windows.
There is no loss in going for it. We regret what we didn’t do. Even if you swing and miss, you tap into a powerful emotional state knowing you took a chance.
CHAPTER 3 LEAP POWER STEP
Complete the biggest-regret exercise below. Take yourself to the moment of greatest regret, and think about what followed. Immerse yourself in these feelings. Now, how can this help you make bolder decisions today?
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Notes
1To read the full post: https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2livoo/tifu_my _whole_life_my_regrets_as_a_46_year_old/?st=jng6aj3s&sh=b9ec25ed.
2 https://livelearnevolve.com/man-reveals-how-choosing-comfort-in-his-20s -led-to-a-life-of-emptiness-and-pain/.
3 https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/.
4 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2394712/.
5 http://smagazineofficial.com/living/sc
ience-of-regret-06137336.
6 https://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId =550260750.
7 https://news.stanford.edu/2005/06/14/jobs-061505/.
8 http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-21180-001.
9 http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1998-12057-002.
10 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2413060/.
11 https://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId =550260750.
CHAPTER 4
Risk, Redefined
Giordano Bruno was as unconventional as they come. He was a sixteenth-century Italian philosopher, and a man of innumerable interests. Cosmology, science, studying the universe and even magic—Bruno spent a large part of his life running from authorities and conducting lectures of what he believed to be true.
His core thesis, written in 1584, entitled On the Infinite Universe and Worlds argued if there is one of these worlds, then there are infinite numbers of planets and stars in the Universe. Today, this seems obvious. In his time, however, there were severe consequences to pay, and he spent most of his time on the run.
But he didn’t care. In contrast to Copernicus, who delayed the publishing of his works by 40 years for what many say was fear of retaliation, imprisonment, or death, Bruno was boisterous around his beliefs. He was loud, and a trailblazer.
On a return trip home from England to Italy to print his works, Bruno was captured and spent nine years in prison as he awaited trial.
But he was given an out: recant his beliefs and lectures, and he’d be saved. If not, he’d be burned at the stake at the hands of the inquisition. Many of Bruno’s contemporaries had chosen to retract their teachings in the face of death.
But Bruno remained committed, and when the sentence finally arrived on eight counts of heresy, Bruno proclaimed: “Perhaps you, my judges, pronounce this sentence upon me with greater fear than I receive it.”1
At the time, Bruno was seen as a martyr and treated as such. And yet in the face of death, he took the biggest gamble knowing very well the outcome was the loss of life. On the surface, it’s easy to proclaim Bruno took an absurd risk.
Or did he?
Face the Music: Life Is Already Risky
Life is already risky. Let’s remind ourselves that we’re currently spinning at 1,037 miles per hour while orbiting a massive star that is going at another 67,000 miles per hour. And that star is part of a larger galaxy, the Milky Way—which is also moving at a brisk 1.3 million miles per hour.
Enough with the science, but I’m painting you the picture that life is risky. We’re here, we’re alive. Safety is simply an illusion. We haven’t even addressed the fact we’re being kept alive by a fist-sized muscle in our left chest that acts on electrical impulses pumping up to 2,000 gallons a day.
The fact that you’re here is a miracle. When we think about the bigger picture, the small stuff tends to consume us less. We’re able to make faster decisions and flip the script on how we perceive risk – and use risk to pursue our leap. In light of this:
Quitting the soul-sucking job you’ve been stuck at for six years seems less risky.
Making the move out from the toxic environment you live in doesn’t seem as big as a deal.
Stepping into the tough conversation you’ve been avoiding, which has been consuming your thoughts, now seems like a no brainer.
Hiring your first employee when you’re strapped for cash seems like less of a big deal.
This is the power of redefining risk and playing the game by your own rules. With each step, you start to craft the life of your dreams. Not the one someone else wants for you, but the one you want. And that energy changes everything.
Because the truth is simple: the way you and I have been told to perceive risk is flawed and is holding us back from living our best life.
Until now, that is.
Risk Is a Liar
From the time we’re brought into this world, we’re fed a narrative about risk and the way we perceive it. We’re told it’s better to be safe than sorry. Play it safe, and we’ll be rewarded. Don’t be too loud or dream too big. Don’t stand out, or else you’re going to offend others.
It’s not working. At least not in the way I define working. It’s not working for you either, unless your definition of success involves a predictable, safe, and mundane future. But you’re here, which means you’re wanting to live a life on your terms. For far too long, we’ve looked at standing out as being risky, and we’re paying a hefty price.
But what if the real risk was fitting in, to seek the approval at the expense of our own?
Risk Is in the Eye of the Beholder
Risk is an entirely subjective experience. We know this, and we experience this every day in our lives. On a moment-to-moment basis, we’re assessing risk and allowing it to impact our decision-making. From the trivial to the life changing decisions, risk is always present in the back of our minds.
However, we rarely assess whether the way we tolerate and take on risk is actually working. We often let our risk-taking mechanisms run in the background while we experience life, even if we’re feeling stuck or compelled to something greater.
In having thousands of conversations with those who have not only achieved massive success but also made bold decisions in the face of fear, I’ve identified three core pillars required to make risk work for us, not against us.
But before I share those pillars, we must understand what we’re already playing with.
You’re Designed to Be Risk Averse
You and I are designed to be risk averse, because our lives might depend and have depended on this mechanism. Thousands of years ago, we needed to treat every noise as a potential threat, and there was no time to consider the upside of a ruffling noise in the woods. We needed to live.
This has stayed with us, and now that there’s zero possibility of a tiger eating us on the way to lunch, we must override this mechanism. Universally, we operate with an intense degree of negativity bias, which simply means that given the same amount of information, we’re hardwired to be more emotionally charged (and thus, focused) on what could go wrong. The amygdala, an almond shaped mass inside the brain is responsible for decoding our emotions and helping us make fast decisions. However, two-thirds of the neurons inside our amygdala are wired for negativity.
Without stepping too much into brain science, it’s crucial to understand that our operating system is rooted in fear. And by listening to this primal part of the brain, we can miss out on life’s biggest opportunities.
Of course, one of those is the leap of your life.
No Risk, No Magic, No Riveting Story
The great tragedy of not redefining risk to serve your dreams and aspirations is you’ll always wonder what if. Without reframing risk and ditching the safe path in life, you’ll be unable to write the life story that you know is deep within you. The riveting tale, the page-turner you can’t put down will instead become another predictable book.
That’s not you. It’s not why you’re here.
On many days, I can be overheard talking about opportunity cost in my downtown Phoenix office with my clients. It happens so often, it must sound like I’m teaching economics. But understanding opportunity cost is crucial to the success of your leap and making the right decision, at the right time.
Opportunity cost is at the core of all our decision-making and can be summed easily: it’s what you give up in order to get something. It’s the difference between what you choose now and the next best alternative. Whether that’s choosing to eat pizza instead of going to the gym or choosing to stay at your current job—there’s always a price to pay.
For example, Steve is working a corporate gig and he’s making $85,000 a year—what psychologists have found to be the sweet spot for happiness and fulfillment. He’s tired of it though, it’s been eating away at his soul. He can’t deal with his boss. He has a passion and purpose much greater but has found himself stuck.
The opportu
nity cost, what Steve’s trading in right now for what could be is the following:
Financial prosperity. If Steve stays at his corporate gig, the best-case scenario is a 5% increase in salary every year.
Purposeful work and fulfillment. By staying on the same path, Steve is trading away his own personal fulfillment and emotional health.
Health, energy, and vitality. Steve’s lack of connection to his work is crushing his health, and he’s constantly feeling exhausted, having to say no to things he really wants to do (hiking, mountain biking, adventures).
Relationship growth. Steve’s wife Emily feels her husband’s dissatisfaction. She’s felt it for a while now and done her best to support him. But they’re missing the spark, because he’s missing the spark.
So, is this worth $85,000? It depends on who you ask. Often, people will say yes until it gets so bad they can’t not change. Or, they wake up one day to a pink slip to realize the truth all along: no employer is loyal to any employee.
Now, let’s redefine risk so it works for you once and for all by examining the three risk pillars.
Risk Pillar 1: Clarity Around Your Purpose
The first step to redefining risk in your life is to have clarity around a bolder purpose or mission. Without this, there’s minimal chance you will make bold decisions in the face of risk. Having a driving force, which we’ll explore in Part II, Before Your Journey, is crucial to the success of your leap.