by Mj Fields
He leans forward and runs his hands over his head. I reach up and rub the back that’s getting a bit longer now that football season’s over.
He eventually sets the popcorn bowl down and leans his head on my shoulder. By the end of the news, he’s asleep.
I slide my shoulder out from under his head, careful not to wake him, feeling the burn in my throat and wishing it away as I cover him up. As much as my heart is breaking for me, it is for him, too. As much as I really want to slap the hell out of him, I want to hold him together, too. And, as much as I want to be with him, I know with that crazy bitch, that … that … that connivingpsychoticstupidfuckingbitch, it would never work. For Lucas and his child, I would make sure I no longer caved to my desire for him, that need to show him love in any manner other than that of friendship. Yes, I know I have made this promise to myself many times, but now … now I know she’s insane, and well beyond teenage angst insane.
After standing there, watching him sleep for longer than I should have, I make some phone calls. Then I set out to prepare dinner for Lucas and our friends.
Steaks are marinating and twice baked potatoes are almost done with the first baking. I’m pulling two bags of corn from the freezer when he walks into the kitchen.
I smile as I ask, “Good nap?”
“It was nice.” He looks around. “What are you doing?”
“I am making dinner. Tommy, Jade, Phoebe, and Ryan are coming over.”
“Didn’t we do that last night?”
“It’s birthday week,” I joke.
He doesn’t even smile.
“Does that sound fun?”
“Sure,” he says flatly.
“Lucas, I just thought you would want the people who love you around right now. I’m sorry.”
“I appreciate it. Could I please take you out tomorrow? Alone?” he asks, and I feel panicked. He rolls his eyes. “As my friend, Tessa.”
Feeling my face heat, I nod then turn around to grab a pan from the cupboard. “Of course.”
Lucas helps me make a big salad. He turns on some music and, as usual, I start bopping around.
Chapter Five
Tommy is the first to arrive, and when he does, Tessa runs to the store. I know she did this to leave us alone. I especially know that because Tommy doesn’t bring Jade with him, and Tommy brings Jade with him everywhere.
“Jesus, Lucas,” Tommy sighs out after I tell him.
“Not like I fucking meant for—” I stop and shake my head.
“You know I’m not judging,” he says, and yes, I know that. Of course I do. He’s Tommy. He’s been the best thing in my life from the moment I met him.
“I know.”
He wraps an arm around my shoulders. “We’ll figure it out. We’ll do it together.”
“Not asking you to change your life for me, Tommy. It would piss me off if you did.” I give him a stern look. “I’m serious. You get called to play ball, you do it.”
“We’ll do it together. And straight up, Lucas; if the roles were reversed, you’d be there for me. So, don’t tell me—”
“I’m telling you this doesn’t change your life or your plans.”
When his lips turn up, I know he’s doing what Tommy does—searching for the good in my bag of shit. Just like he did when his parents said I couldn’t stay there anymore when Mom was “away.” He told me that was better for us—parties at my place. Or when our old school shut down and we had to choose where to go, I was flipping out about a new team our senior year and he just shrugged and said, you’ll be number one. Or the first time I knocked Sadi up and she didn’t want it, he rambled on and on about him and I raising it, and in detail, too. Like, down to the clothes my kid would wear and the stroller we would buy.
“I moved all my money from my joint account with my folks into my own. The day I fuck up and don’t get the statements in the mail before they do, I’m going to be in need of a room. Sadi won’t give you a ton of shit if I’m there.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, she’s not giving a fuck about what people think about her right now.”
“She will. And if she doesn’t, then we get custody and—”
“No. You’re in deep with Jade and—”
“She’s in just as deep with me. Already talked about it. She’s cool with me living at casa Links. She’s really fucking cool with it.” He wags his brows.
“And college?” I remind him.
“We go to a school with childcare and get off-campus housing. The girls can come over and play house.”
“Tessa and I are done.”
He nods. “Yeah, sure.”
“Tommy, I’m not fucking around, and I’m not ruining her life over my shit. End of.”
He holds his hands up. “Fine, I’ll stay out of it. Just promise me that I’m going to be Tommy Corleone, aka the godfather, so I can take that kid to church and rough up anyone who may dick with little Links.”
I nod. “You got it. He’s gonna need church.”
“You’re going to be a great dad, Lucas. I know it here.” He hits his chest then he taps mine. “’Cause here is good, real good, and don’t you forget it.”
When everyone arrives, we eat, play cards, and everyone acts like there isn’t a darkness hanging over our heads. A darkness I managed all my life. But it’s Tessa’s head that I’m worried about, and it’s obvious so are they. For that, I am grateful. She will be okay, is what I find myself repeating all damn night.
When it becomes obvious that everyone’s getting ready to leave, she does so first, saying goodnight then heading to bed.
She wakes up at 2:30 in the morning again. I knew she would. I made sure of it. She’s much harder to calm down. She’s angry, hurt, scared, and I regret it almost immediately. She sobs and begs me not to go. I can’t tell her that I won’t. I kiss her each time she cries until she finally falls back to sleep. I stay until Alex comes in and tells me that John just pulled in.
The next day at the Ross home is a blur. Above the smiles and cordial small talk, sadness and heartache loom. By the end of the day, the house is spotless. After she does her therapeutic cleaning, Tessa goes for her second run, despite the bitter cold air. I take her to dinner at a place we have never been, a place in Emerson. At dinner, I try everything to mimic her energy from last night, try to make things okay, like she did, but after watching her push her food around instead of eating, I give up and take her to a Williams Planetarium, the one place I remember Mom taking me as a kid. It’s just once, but it’s my favorite memory with her, and even though I don’t tell Tessa, I want to share it with her.
We then go back to the house and fall asleep on the couch, where she again wakes me up by crying in her sleep, and I again don’t wake her. In a sick and sad way, I need to feel her pain, because I know damn well I’m the cause of it and have been this entire time.
The next morning, after Tessa made breakfast, she left with a note for me.
I have some things to do. Breakfast is ready.
See you all later.
Tommy, Ryan, and Alex help me move all my stuff, except for what I need for the night and the next morning, which I could have done alone, but I appreciate that I don’t have to, and that’s the point.
Although I wonder where she is, the move is much easier without her here and not just for me, but for both of us. She doesn’t have to pretend that this isn’t tearing her apart and I don’t have to pretend I don’t see it—see the truth.
It has been over two hours since we have been back, and I made prime rib and crab legs as a thank you dinner. At John’s request, I used Maggie’s rub recipe for the prime rib. In a way, I think he’s trying to tell me that there would always be parts of me that missed her, like he obviously does his wife, but you have to be a man. A man like John Ross.
“She still not back?” John asks as he walks inside, setting a bag on the counter.
“No.”
“That girl of mine …” He chuckles, but I know he
’s feeling her hurt, too. She has his heart, and I’m hurting both of them. “Grabbed her and Alex pagers today so I can get a hold of them when they disappear.”
I force a laugh. “That’s probably a good idea.”
He pulls them out of the bag and sets them on the counter, asking, “Think you know where she is?”
“Might have an idea.”
“Think you can go round her up while I take a shower?”
I nod. “Sure.”
Head heavy as I lift it off the couch cushion, I let out a breath. It’s so cold in here that I can see it. As I stand, I feel that heaviness everywhere and regret taking the damn pain pill from my ankle injury, but I needed to sleep, and making out and heavy petting is off the table now.
I feel the burn in my throat again and get pissed at myself, because I can’t seem to keep it together today. Hell, I barely made it through last night.
I fold up the blanket, unplug the electric heater, and head out. And, as soon as I hop out of the truck, Lucas walks out and blatantly looks me over, and not in the sexy kind of way. Nope, he’s scrutinizing me, probably trying to see if I’m drunk.
“Where have you been?”
Probably to see if I’m drunk, I think.
“I fell asleep at camp.” I notice his keys in his hands. “You going out?”
He furrows his brows. “Why were you there?”
I start to walk past him, saying, “I started to clean up after hunting season. I laid down to rest for a bit and … well, I’m here now.”
“Okay.” He holds out his hand and feels my head. “You’re not sick, are you?”
“No, just tired.” I pull my head away and walk past him. “Did you need help tomorrow with the big move?”
“No, everything’s done.” He reaches past me and opens the door, the door that no longer squeaks. “I’m throwing myself a birthday slash New Year’s Eve party tomorrow night. Do you think you and Alex could come?”
“Sure, we can try. You know how busy our schedules are,” I joke as I duck under his arm and walk in. “Will Sadi be there?”
“No,” he says, completely devoid of emotion.
It’s Dad, Alex, and I at the dinner table with enough prime rib and crab legs for a family of ten. And even though I have zero appetite, when Dad mentions it’s a thank you dinner from Lucas, I eat, and I eat until I’m stuffed. So stuffed that, after my shower, I go straight to bed and fall asleep. Then I wake up at midnight and head downstairs to pee. Then I’m wide awake, so I decided to cook … until three in the morning. Finally, I hit the couch, just to wake up to arms pushing under me while tears fall down my cheeks.
I pull away. “I’m awake. Sorry I woke you.”
“Didn’t know you were awake. Was just gonna take you up and—”
“I’m good.”
He sits down, facing away from me. He may as well already be home.
“What was the dream about?”
“An accident, as usual,” I whisper.
“Can we sit here until you fall asleep?”
“You don’t have to. I’m sure you’re tired, and you have a big party tomorrow.” I lean back and tuck my legs under me, smiling at him. “Happy birthday, Lucas.”
He moves closer then leans over and kisses my cheek while hugging me. “Thanks, Tessa.”
He doesn’t let go, and I can’t even make myself pull away, either. I fall asleep, curled up, my head on his chest, listening to the strong beat of his heart. A heart that is no longer mine.
Chapter Six
I wake up alone and panic hits.
Lucas is gone.
I rush to the kitchen and look out the window, finally calming when I see his SUV still parked in the driveway.
I start breakfast, knowing he has some time before his mom gets home, so no one will be there to cook him a hot meal for a while.
My last chance to take care of him.
Then I hear the shower start and know it’s him.
I decide to get pissed at myself for being pathetic instead of allowing sadness to rise like the early morning fog and consume me.
I turn the oven on to three fifty and hurriedly pull out the egg casserole that I prepped at one this morning, popping it. Then I dash through the house and up the stairs to grab Lucas’s birthday gifts.
By the time he’s finished his thirty-minute shower, breakfast is ready, and the table is set for a birthday breakfast
He walks into the kitchen, and I exclaim loudly, with a smile, “Happy birthday!”
His smile matches mine but, like his belongings that are no longer scattered around, he quickly packs it away and shrugs. “Thanks. I think you already said that earlier.”
Unwilling to let this birthday breakfast become … well, what it is—a goodbye—I grab the bag with his gifts from the pantry and set them on the table.
“Open.” I smile, proud of my choices in gifts.
“You really shouldn’t have.”
“Will you just enjoy this?”
The question in his stunning green eyes is an obvious how?
I close mine and whisper, “Please.”
I only open them when I hear the rustling of paper as he pulls out the first tee-shirt from the bunch that I had made at the mall, all colleges that he has applied to.
“Alabama, huh?” He grins, eyes no longer dark with despair. “You really trying to get me to move that far away?”
“Oh, hush.” I laugh as I pull up a chair, set my feet on the edge, and hug my knees as I watch happy Lucas pull out the rest. Penn, Ohio, Michigan, and finally the Syracuse University hoodie that I bought when he mentioned playing there, close to home, close to me, and now … close to his child and Sadi.
“This is too mu—”
“One more thing in there,” I cut him off.
He reaches in and pushes the paper around, and then he pulls out the watch box. He opens it and smiles.
Inside is a silver watch, the same silver as the necklace that I bought him. I watch as he turns it over and reads the engraving.
He smiles. “What’s that mean?”
I release my knees, put my feet on the ground, and stand. “Your Friend Always, and TT is what you were calling me when I had that engraved. There’s one more thing. Come here.”
“What?” he asks, confused.
I grab his hands and ignore the immediate warmth that resonates through me as I drag him outside.
Once at his vehicle, I let go of his hand, and it doesn’t go unnoticed that it takes him a bit longer to release mine. Then I open the back hatch and step aside, exposing the cooler with the big red bow on top.
“What do we have here?” he asks as he opens it. His smile grows as he looks inside then he looks at me.
My heart expands because, aside from the way he looks at me when we’re touching in the private sense, this look, this smile, is my favorite way to see Lucas Links.
“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.” He then hugs me and laughs. “But I’m glad you did.”
“Breakfast foods have green writing, lunch has blue, and dinner has red. I think I got it right. These are the foods you seemed to like the most, and there is enough for you to have seconds. There aren’t sides, but I think you can boil water. Well, I know you can, especially after last night’s dinner.” I look down.
With one finger, Lucas lifts my chin and looks at me so intensely that I feel as if, if a heart could cry, mine would be right now.
“I’ve been so lucky to have you through all this. I want you to know that I’ll never forget it.” Then he kisses me, and I allow myself this one last time to kiss him back.
It’s not the kind of kiss that grows deeper and more desperately. Not the kind I want so badly but know is no longer mine. It’s a kiss that says goodbye.
When we step away, I look back up at him, really look at him, and know with everything I am that I am right. That kiss was a goodbye.
Lucas leaves an hour later, after saying goodbye to our family and thankin
g us. I thought the mask, the one he wears that hides his emotions, would crack when Kendall and even Mom get teary-eyed. With Mom, it didn’t, but it slipped a bit with Kendall.
Dad tells him that he’s welcome back anytime and to call if he needs anything. Lucas thanks him as Dad hugs him tightly, the way he hugs us when we’re struggling, and then he makes him promise to call if he needs anything. Lucas agrees to that, but I know he won’t, which is why I will force Alex if I have to, to stay in his life, to check in on him. I mean, I don’t think I will have to force him, but if I needed to, I would.
When it’s my turn, I walk out into the mudroom and start putting on my boots to walk him to his vehicle.
He pulls me up. “It’s freezing out, Tessa.”
I know he sees it on my face—the pain, the near panic—which is why he looks over my head when he places a kiss to the top of my head. “See you tonight.”
“Drive carefully, Lucas,” I call to his back. “Please.”
Walking out, he says, “Will do.”
When I walk in, Mom hugs me, and Dad does, too.
“I need—” I snap my lips shut to stop the sob that I feel like a boulder of emotion in my throat.
They step back, and I walk, trying to remain calm as I head out of the kitchen then run upstairs to my bedroom, where I sob into my pillow.
After I can’t cry anymore, I pull out my dusty journal and write everything about him and how much I love him. Tears spill, blotting the ink, but I don’t stop. There is so much about him that I want to always remember. Even the pain, because that pain is derived from a love like I have never felt.
Then I close the journal and hold it to my chest. “I’ll miss you.” I kiss it once then slide it back under my mattress before I cry some more.
When I wake up, the sun is setting, and I decide then and there that I will no longer cry over him, miss him, grieve what was once and never will be again. In fact, I start making plans on how to curate our perfect friendship, and that starts tonight.