by Mj Fields
“Yep, it’s been what? Six hours?” I shut the door and watch as Alex heads to the Jeep.
Once inside, Lucas asks, “If her water broke, that means she is going to have the baby … really soon, right?”
Twenty-four hours is what I have heard, but I don’t tell him that.
“Let’s just see what the doctor says when you get there. Will you please call your mom?”
Chapter Fourteen
When we pull into the parking lot, Tommy is by the emergency room door, waiting.
I park and jump out, hurrying to Tommy. “This isn’t good. Please stay with him.”
He gives me a quick hug and kiss. “I’ll keep you updated. Do the same for Jade?”
“Of course.”
Lucas steps out of the vehicle and beelines it toward me. He hugs me tightly, kisses the top of my head, and then whispers, “Thank you.”
I kiss his cheek and look up at him. “Skirt off, Links. Sadi needs you to be strong. Your baby needs you to be strong.” My traitorous voice cracks, and I have to clear my throat. “Your friends need you to be stronger.”
He nods, understanding that I am, in fact, agreeing to be that.
“I promised, too.”
He nods again then heads to the automatic doors.
I see Alex getting out of the Jeep and hurry to him.
“I’m going to stay here.” He hands me the keys.
I hug him. “Thank you. I love you, Alex.”
He looks down. “I snagged Dad’s cell phone. Call whoever you need to.”
“I don’t have my numbers and—”
“Your backpack’s in the Jeep. I checked; your address book’s inside.”
I nod and step away. “Go.”
I hurry to the Jeep, grab my book from my bag, and try to call Kate, because Lucas didn’t. There is no answer. Next, I flip through the pages and see Audri’s number. I dial her immediately.
“Hello?” she answers sleepily.
“Audrianna, this is Tessa Ross. Something—”
“Is Lucas okay?” she asks, now sounding wide awake.
“Sadi’s water broke.”
“You have us both, Landon and I—”
“Too soon,” Landon says in a groggy voice. “She full of shit, or is this real?”
“I drove him here. Tommy met us. Alex is here, too. I’m, um … Sadi doesn’t like me.”
“Gross understatement,” Landon grumbles.
“Yeah, well …” I don’t give a shit. “I just thought maybe Lucas will need you.”
“We’ll be there,” Audri says.
Landon says, “If she’s trying to yank his chain, then—”
“Then it’s a fine time to celebrate his acceptance to Syracuse.”
My chest tightens, and the guilt caused by at that happening burns.
Stepping off the elevator, “Game face on,” Tommy says as he pulls me into a one-armed hug.
“It’s on.”
Alex grips my shoulder. “We’ll be right here.”
Guilt kicks me in the balls about how I’ve treated his sister as I look at him. Before I can say a thing, he grips my shoulder harder and repeats, “We’ll be right here.”
I walk down the hall toward her room, and when I walk in, I find her lying on the bed, tear-stained face, silently sobbing, and her mother is by her side, holding her hand.
She looks up, sees me, and cries, “Lucas.”
I walk over to her and hold her hand. “I’m here. Tell me what’s been done so far.”
Sadi lets out a pain-filled sound and begins to sob, her body shaking so hard that I feel its pain.
A nurse rushes in and asks if she’s ready to accept pain medication.
“I. Deserve. This!” she cries. “This. Is. My—”
“Yes,” I interrupt and nod, “if it’s safe for the ba—”
“He’s dead!” she cries, the words echoing as she covers her belly and sobs. “He’s dead, and—”
“Sadi, you need to take something.”
“I don’t deserve—”
“Do I?” My voice breaks.
“No. I—”
“If I don’t have to feel this, don’t you dare feel it alone. Take something, please, Sadi.” I fight back tears. Head in the game. “Please.”
Within seconds, she’s calmed, and her eyes are closed.
I ask Lori, “What happened?”
“The placenta tore away. The baby no longer has a heartbeat. Sadi’s refusing surgery and says she’s going to deliver.”
“She can’t.”
“You know as well as I do that she won’t listen to me,” she says as she steps back and sits down, looking defeated.
“I’m sorry, Lori. I’m so sorry.”
“My fault,” Sadi whispers. “But please, stop talking until I fall asleep. I hate myself—”
“Stop.” I climb in beside her and pull her head against my chest.
“I just wanted to make it right,” she says. “I just wanted a second chance to make it—”
“Shh …” I rub her back. “We both messed up plenty, Sadi. But you’re not going to be in any more pain. You’ll have the surgery, and then we figure it out from there.”
“Okay.” She sniffs.
I look at the nurse. “She consented. Let’s do this as soon as it’s safe to.”
I kiss the side of her head. “I need to go let Tommy know—”
“He came?”
“Of course he did.”
“He hates me.”
“Tommy doesn’t hate anyone, Sadi. He was going to be our baby’s, mine and yours, godfather. That means something to him.”
“Tell him I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault, but I will.” I slide out of the bed
When I make it to the waiting room, Tommy and Alex stand. I feel fucking numb.
“The baby isn’t alive. They have to operate. She’s asleep now. I need to use the bathroom, and then get back to her.”
When I walk out, they’re still standing there.
“No words right now, but you don’t need to hang out.”
They both give me a hug, and then I head back in.
“She’s a sleep,” Lori says. “They’re prepping the OR now.”
“Lucas?” I hear Mom’s voice and turn to see her, tears in her eyes.
I walk over and hug her, annoyed that I now have to make this okay for her, but such is life.
“Shouldn’t have come, Mom.”
She looks up at me. “Nowhere else I should be.”
“Appreciate it.” I hug her again and grit out, “Thank you, Mom.”
Time passes, and I’m unaware of just how much.
I hate it—time. More specifically, the lack of it.
David, that’s what his name would have been.
David.
Biblical, and not because I’m a huge follower of the Word, but because of one of the Sunday school classes that Tommy dragged me to. David defeated a giant. I knew my David would have done the same, and he would have done it better than I ever did, because I would teach him how to do it with minimal damage to himself or others.
Better than me.
My son, David, is loved.
I’m sitting with Mom and Tommy. Alex left, not wanting to upset Sadi if she saw him. I would love to have told him that she was better now, that I fixed whatever I fucked up in her over the past few months—just like I fucked up his sister—but I didn’t. More than likely, I made them both worse.
“Lucas.”
I look to the left and see Audrianna and Dad. Then I look right, to Mom.
“Go, honey. He came for you.”
I stand up, thinking, Family fucking reunion.
Tommy slides in my seat and takes Mom’s hand.
Brother.
I hug Dad first, worried if I went to Audrianna, Mom would get in her head.
“There is nothing you can do, Dad.”
He steps back and grips my shoulders, looking me in the eyes, an
d says, “I can be here for my son.”
“Makes one of us,” I mumble.
“I’m sorry, son.”
Uh-huh, I think.
I look at Audrianna, who steps away and walks to Mom.
Fucking great, I think.
She hugs her. “Katie, I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you,” Mom says, hugging her back.
“Can I get you anything?” Dad asks.
I drop my voice. “No, I’m good.”
When the surgery was over, they wheeled Sadi into her room.
She opened her eyes about half an hour later, and I pushed her hair behind her ear.
“I’m—”
“Me first.” I smile, albeit weakly. “Thanks for getting me out of the waiting room. Both my parents are here.”
She smiles, and then it fades quickly. “I deserved this. This is my fault. You can leave now,” Sadi cries.
“Can you move over?”
She looks at me in confusion.
“We both lost something, Sadi. There are no sides. There is no wrong or right. It was not your fault any more than it was mine and, right now, there is only one other person I know that understands this hurt.”
She moves over, and I see the pain on her face.
“Scratch that. If it hurts—”
“Please.” She pats the hospital bed.
I lie down on my side and hold her hand.
“I asked them to let me hold him. They said they would. You don’t have to, but I really want to.”
I fight back the feeling of bile rising in my throat and nod. “Hello and goodbye the same day.”
A knock at the door comes far too soon as a nurse walks in, laying him swaddled in white on her chest.
Nothing. Not one thing in my life will ever hurt so badly.
Two Days Later…
After helping Sadi from the wheelchair and into the SUV, I walk around the vehicle and slide in the driver’s seat.
It feels wrong leaving here, leaving him.
“Sadi, are you going to be all right?”
“No, I’m not!” she cries.
I take her hand. “Yes, you are.”
“How can you say that to me after all that I’ve done? After I just lost our baby?” she says through her tears.
“I forgive you. Now it’s time you forgive yourself. You’re going to be fine.”
“Well, thank you, I guess,” she says sarcastically, giving me the first glimpse of the Sadi who’s been hiding for a couple days.
She’s David’s mother, I remind myself and continue holding her hand.
When I pull into her driveway, I kill the engine and turn to her. “Sadi, we have been horrible for each other.” I sigh. “We have our whole lives ahead of us. This sucks, it hurts, and it’s not anything either of us will ever, ever forget, and I don’t want to. I held him and loved him more than I thought possible. You, you carried him. I wish I could have done that for you, but we have to make something good out of a horrible situation.”
She covers her face and cries into her hands. “I don’t think I can.”
“Okay. So, if there is a heaven, our child is in it and watching us now. What would you want him to see?”
She drops her hands and glares at me. Her eyes have darkened—no longer sad, but angry. “That’s Tessa talking!”
“Well, if that’s all I got from her, I’m happy, ’cause that’s what I’m going to focus on, and I hope you can, as well.” I take her hand, and she doesn’t look pissed anymore.
“I’ll try.”
“You have an appointment this afternoon with your therapist.”
She rolls her eyes as she opens the door. “Fine.”
I start to get out.
“Don’t. I can handle this.”
“Sadi, I—”
“Don’t!”
“If you need anything before the appointment, then call me. I’ll take you today. Be here at four.”
I wait as she walks toward the house, her mother holding the door open for her as she walks in.
The drive isn’t long enough to allow myself to break the fuck down, and I can’t go crying to Momma because then it’s possible she backslides.
When I walk in, I hug her, tell her I’m okay, and then head to the fridge. When I open it, it’s packed.
Casseroles.
“Alex dropped all that off. Looks like Tessa’s been cooking again.”
I turn and see her smiling.
I smile back and walk over to grab an apple. “I’m not hungry. I’m going to shower and get some sleep. Can you make sure I’m up by three? I’m taking Sadi to an appointment.”
“Lucas, I know better than anyone how you feel the need to take care of people. I love that about you but don’t get lost in this awful situation.” She hugs me.
“Thanks, Mom. I promise I won’t.”
Walking into my room, I see a huge vase with yellow roses mixed with white daisies.
I pull the card out and open it.
Lucas,
I am so truly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you.
If you need a friend, I am here.
YFA,
Tessa
I drop the note, and although I should be grateful, I’m not.
I’m fucking pissed.
Chapter Fifteen
“I haven’t heard from Lucas, but know what’s going on—he’s taking care of Sadi. But, who is taking care of him? I know Alex is checking in on him. I know he has food, which has always brought me comfort in times like this—preparing food for others so that they don’t have to worry. But I’m worried. I’m worried about him.” I sigh and hold the picture of Toby and me up. “I know you understand. You know that’s who I am.”
I set the picture of Toby and me from his last visit on Valentine’s Day—an awkward Polaroid—on my nightstand and flop back on my bed.
“What am I doing, Toby?” I ask as I place my hand over my face.
“I know I don’t know a lot of things, but I think Toby would say, ‘Living, angel.’”
I sit up and smile at Kendall. Then I pat the bed.
She sits down and looks at me. “And Aunt Ann, she would say, ‘You’re doing good things.’”
I throw my arms around her and hug her tightly.
“Yeah, and Dad would say, ‘What’s for dinner?’” Jake calls from the doorway.
Kendall and I laugh.
“Get over here.”
Jake kicks at the floor then heads over.
“And, what else would Dad say?” I laugh as I pull him into our hug.
“He’d say, ‘That’s three,’” Jake mumbles.
“Three?” I ask.
“Aunt Ann, Toby, and Lucas Links’ baby.” He looks up at me, bottom lip pushed out.
“Oh, Jake.” I hug him tighter.
“Sucks, you know.” He sniffs.
“Yeah, it really does.”
He looks at me and asks, “He also said Ben was coming this weekend.”
“Shit, I forgot,” I groan.
“What? You don’t like him now?” Kendall asks.
“I like Ben a lot. He’s fun. I just don’t want him to see this version of me, I guess.”
“Me, either,” Jake huffs.
Kendall and Jake stayed close, and I felt a little bit more like myself, my old self, again.
School and the play kept be busy, and not partaking in after rehearsal festivities has given me the time to let my mind wander.
As Jake reminded me, Ben left a message with Dad, the day after I saw him, that his dad was bringing his snowmobiles Friday night. The good, I knew that he and his hot, busy self would distract me, take my mind off the dark place it wanders, a place I know I should not return to, the dark and down deep parts of me.
The draw to him is undeniable, always has been, but I know I helped Lucas get through a horrible time, and he, too, in the most unlikely way, brought me out of mine. I know and remind myself often that is what g
reat friendships are made of, and that no matter what, together are toxic.
Lucas hasn’t been to school, so after Jade told me that Tommy told her about New Year’s Eve and the two Bs, I ate lunch with my friends.
Lucas came to school on Wednesday, and I ate in the auditorium with my cast friends, because he needed normal, and I just don’t think we’re there yet. I already know, if confronted, I would tell them that the play is in three weeks, right before spring break, and I need to practice with my theatre peeps, anyway.
In class and when he passed me in the hall, he looked away. And Lucas Links, the beautiful white hat boy, looked hollow. My heart broke for him now, and not because of him.
Thursday, Sadi came back, and she looked as bad as he did. I frequently saw them talking in the hall. There was no anger or jealousy; I knew what loss felt and looked like.
Not many people at school know that Sadi was pregnant. Their once close- knit group of friends would never have broken that trust.
After lunch, I hit the locker room because it’s the closest bathroom. Washing my hands, I see Sadi walk out from behind a row of lockers. I dry my hands and start to leave.
“Farm girl!” she calls to me. “You know he cares about me, right?”
I continue walking toward the door.
When I walk out, Lucas is standing there. He looks at me as if he may talk, and I shake my head but smile.
“Everything okay?” he whispers.
“It’s fine.”
But it’s not fine. It’s sick.
The next day, I use a different bathroom and, as per my luck, Sadi is in there, crying. I make the grave mistake of handing her a tissue, yet she takes it. Progress, right?
When I walk out of my stall, Sadi is standing there.
“Here’s your fucking tissue. I don’t want it, farm girl!”
I try to walk around her, but she stands in my way.
Calmly, I ask, “Sadi, will you please move?”
“No, I will not move,” she screams so loud that I’m sure my hearing will be forever affected.
When I finally get past her, she yells at my back, “Don’t push me, farm girl!”
I all but run out of the bathroom, and then I see Lucas. I only see him because she sobs as she runs to him, and I glance back because I’m not sure if she will try to hit me, jump me, and go Sadi on me.