by Mj Fields
“Please drive safe, Ben, please.”
“I will, I promise.”
The Jeep is loaded, Alex is behind the wheel and holding my hand.
“Hey, Alex?”
He glances at me.
“You haven’t said a word. You can’t do that again. Not like you did with J—”
“You be okay, and I will.”
I nod.
“Gotta promise me,” he says.
“I promise.”
We drop food off for Tommy’s family first. Alex knocks at the door, and his mom answers.
“We just wanted to drop this off for you and your family,” Alex says.
Tommy’s dad, who no longer looks as put together as he did at the hospital, takes the stack of dishes. “We thank you.”
His mom takes my hand. “We’re meeting with the funeral director in the morning, and after, we thought maybe you would all like to come over and help us finalize the plans.”
“Of course.” I hug her.
Next, we head to Lucas’s.
When Alex pulls into the driveway, I try to ready myself for seeing him here again. For Tommy, I will. For Jade, I will. For their baby, I must.
I step out when a car pulls in. Kate’s car.
Lucas hurries out of his door as I open the hatch of the Jeep.
“Hey, Alex,” Lucas greets, a smirk on his lips, obviously high on pain meds. “Hey, baby.” He winks at me. “Oh shit, I mean, Tessa. Your boyfriend still around?” he sneers.
My guilt kicks in. “No, Lucas.”
“Hello, Tessa.” Kate steps between us, and I hand her one of the dishes. “Thank you. You didn’t have to.”
We carry the food in the house, while Alex helps Lucas stumble in. I help Kate put things away and make a plate for Lucas.
In the living room, I set the plate on the coffee table. “Here, Lucas, you should eat.”
“And you should stop looking at me like you feel sorry for me, Tessa. It pisses me off!”
“I’m sorry, Lucas. I just thought you might be hungry.” I turn to walk out of the room, forcing back tears of a different kind.
I hear Alex say, “Lucas, she’s just being nice.”
“Sorry, man.”
“We have stuff to take to Jade’s. If you need anything, call me. I’ll be here,” Alex says.
After dropping off food at the Brooks’ home, I make Alex take me to the store to grab a few things for Jade.
“Parenting magazines, pickles, and peanut butter?” Alex asks.
“Give her something to look forward to?” I shrug.
He nods. “Yeah. Yeah, that will help.”
Uncle Jack is in the shop when we pull in and unload the Jeep.
Jade is asleep on the couch, wearing Tommy’s football jersey and hugging the Teddy bear that he gave her at school the Friday before Valentine’s Day.
Uncle Jack walks in and leans against the doorway. “Thanks for the food. Hang around until she wakes up if you can.”
“Of course,” Alex says as he sits.
I kick off my shoes and curl up next to her on the couch, rubbing her back.
Crying, she’s crying in her sleep.
I wrap my arms tightly around her. “Jade, honey.”
She opens her eyes and squints at the light. A tear falls. “Tessa, I miss him.”
“I’m sorry, so sorry.” I try to still the trembling and look up to see Uncle Jack, who looks … defeated. “Uncle Jack, can I stay the night?”
Unable to speak the words, he nods.
“Alex, let Dad know?”
Alex walks over and kisses the top of her head. “Call if you need anything. I’m going to check on Lucas—”
“He. Needs. You,” Jade sobs.
“Jade,” Alex says in a tone the demands attention. She looks at him.
I gasp when he places his hand over her belly. “This baby is part Tommy and part Ross.”
Her face scrunches up as she nods.
“Precious and loved.”
She sobs out, “Yes.”
“And so are you, and I can’t imagine anyone asking this of you right now, but no one else can do what I’m about to ask.”
Sniffing, she nods.
“Take care of this baby.”
She nods again, and a tear slides down my face at hearing him say those words.
“To do that, Jade, you have to be strong and take care of you.” He kisses her cheek. “And we’re here to help when we can.”
She nods again.
“I’ll go check on Lucas, and you’re going to eat something.”
Chapter Twenty Three
Jade woke up screaming every three hours, and I held her, tried to calm her, and cried with her.
When I wake, I find the sun is up and so is Jade, sitting on the opposite couch, turning the pages of one of the magazines that we brought.
She looks up when I sit up.
“This is how I’m going to get through this, huh, Tessa?”
I nod.
“Okay then.” Jade smiles briefly then it begins to wobble. “It hurts, Tessa, really bad.”
“I am so sorry, Jade.”
“When you had just lost Toby, you seemed to be okay.”
I wasn’t. Not at all, I think, but say, “That was different from you and Tommy. And you are having a baby.”
“You just didn’t get a chance to see him every day, or hug him and kiss him, or touch him every single day. You didn’t just know he would hold your hand and eat lunch with you. Or throw pebbles at your window every other night and sneak in and stay all night, telling you and showing you how special you were to him.” She begins to cry but fights it. She fights it so hard. Then she smiles.
“Before the first time, he gave me a ring from a gumball machine. It broke a few days later.” She brushes away some tears. “But he asked me to marry him on one knee with flowers, the whole thing. We even exchanged vows in front of God. To him and I, we were forever.”
I get up and walk to her, where I sit and hold her hand.
“Jade, you are forever … in here”—I touch her heart—“and in here.” I place my hand over her belly. “In just a few short months, you get to see him in your child’s eyes every day, Jade. You can grieve for a while, but after that, for your child, you need to celebrate Tommy’s life every day.”
She forces a smile as she places her hand on her belly. “It’s a boy.”
We hug and cry, and then … Jade just stops.
I look at her face, and she nods.
“I love you, Jade, and I know you’re going to be fine. The three of us”—I place my hand over hers—“are going to be better than fine. We’re going to be great.”
She held herself together until we met at Tommy’s house. His mother was a wreck, understandably so. This made Jade fall apart. Also, understandably so.
We drove holding hands and stopped at the store for prenatal vitamins and items to make some fruit and veggie trays. Jade loved both, and I loved to feed mouths and bellies of people who were hurting.
Carrying everything in, because as I told Jade that she was pregnant and her job was to carry the baby, we see Alex, Lucas, and Ryan siting with Dad. I throw together the fruit and vegetable platters with dips and bread. Lucas shakes his head in almost disgust when I place them on the table. I ignored the hurt it causes me and focus on his. If he needs to lash out, I would prefer it be me that he does so to. He needs everyone else.
Jade tells her father the details, and she does so almost tear-free. The family viewing will be on Wednesday night at seven, the wake from one to four in the afternoon and six to nine that evening. The funeral is at the church on Friday morning. They asked Ryan, Alex, and Lucas to be pallbearers, along with three of Tommy’s relatives. And Jade tells them that Tommy’s mom asked me to sing.
Jade woke every three hours again, and I got up with her. Because we already missed Monday and would be missing Thursday and Friday, it was decided that we go to school. A decision I k
new both of us regretted with almost no sleep.
When we walk into school together, Alex and Lucas stand at our lockers, surrounded by cheerleaders and ball players. I take Jade’s hand in assurance that we are together.
We all sit together at lunch. I make sure Jade eats, and out of the corner of my eye, I notice Lucas looking at the table the whole time. As soon as the bell rings, he shoots out the door.
“Go,” Jade insists, so I do.
I hurry to catch up and grab his elbow. “How are you?”
“I’m fine, Tessa. How’s Jade?” His tone is cool, arctic.
“She’s going to be okay. She wakes up every three hours, having horrible dreams.”
He looks at me, eyes narrowed. “You’re staying with her?”
“Of course.”
“Good.”
I ask again, “Are you okay?”
“I told you, I’m fine, Tessa.” He turns and starts to walk away.
“Hey, Lucas.”
He turns around and glares at me, arms crossed. I wrap my arms around him. He doesn’t uncross his arms. I still hug him.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know.”
“Lucas, don’t push me away. We’re friends.”
“No, Tessa, we’re not.” He uncrosses his arms, takes my elbows, and pulls them away from him. “We can’t be. I understand that now. You need to do the same.”
Lip trembling, I reply, “Oh … Oh, okay. I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” Alex calls after me as I head to rehearsal.
I look back as he jogs up and stops. Then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out Dad’s cell.
“Dad wants you to have this. Call the house if you need someone. If no one answers and you need them immediately, call Mom’s cell.” He gives me a hug and a kiss on top of my head. “You’re doing great. You need to tag out, let me know.”
That night, after rehearsal, before getting into the Jeep and heading back to Jade’s, I just stand there, taking long, deep breaths after long, deep breaths and stare at the sky. I think of all that’s been lost since September, less than seven months ago, over half a year of my life. The hell that I’ve been through, that my family has been through, Lucas and Jade, and everyone has been through. I wonder how people do this every day—lose someone, live with the pain of knowing yet keep pushing forward.
The answer? I assume it is that they do it for those they love and those who remain.
I curse myself when I feel tears forming. I am so sick of crying. Today, until Lucas said what he said, about us not being able to be friends, I was rocked with further devastation. The loss of him, or rather the fact that he ended it with shocking finality.
Sighing, I get in the Jeep and head home, where I hug Dad and my siblings, pet Chewy and hug him, and then I grab more clothes before heading back to Jade’s.
When I pull in, I see Lucas’s SUV in the driveway, so I sit in the Jeep longer than I would have, not wanting to face the reality of us. Or was it the end of a lie I allowed myself to believe?
When I walk in, he and Jade are sitting with Ryan, Becca, and Phoebe at the table. I say hello, kiss Jade on the cheek, and then sit at the coffee table, take out my homework, and start it. I listen to them talk and, even once in a while, laugh.
When I finish everything else, I curl up on the couch to read my Lit book.
I wake up to Jade’s screams and run into her room. Waking her, I then lie down next to her and see books on her nightstand, the ones I gave to Lucas when Sadi told him that she was pregnant. He gave them to her, and that makes me … happy.
At lunch, I eat an apple and read my lines.
“Tessa, your play is this week.”
“Yep, starts tomorrow night, so I won’t be able to be at the evening wake. I’m sorry,” I say to Jade.
“Oh, Tessa, you haven’t slept. You have to go home tonight.”
“No, I don’t. I’ll be fine.” To avoid an argument, I hug her quickly then excuse myself.
Dress rehearsal is a success and a wonderful distraction. On my way back to Jade’s, my dad’s cell rings. I pulled over at the gas station to answer it.
When I hear Ben ask, “How are you, Tess?” exhaustion meets its boiling point and spills out in tears, and I try to hide them, because Ben Sawyer doesn’t deserve my ugly.
He doesn’t buy it, not one bit, when I tell him that I’m not crying, but he pretends to.
When I get off the call, I cry more because Ben Sawyer is so much like me in that aspect, so much like the happy-go-lucky person I used to be. My stink of a disastrous senior year is sticking to his, and I do not revel in the thought of that, not at all. As a matter of fact, I hate it and myself for hurting him in that way.
Arriving at Jade’s, everyone is there again, so I take some time to fix my face and my mental state.
When I walk in, they are all sitting in the living room.
“Hello, everyone.”
“Hello, Tessa,” they all say, except Lucas, who just looks at the floor.
I hurt for him; worried that he is intentionally trying to avoid eye contact because me being here angers him, or if he’s hiding emotions that he knows I will see because I know how hurt and devastated he really is. And I wonder if his mother is okay, if his father is aware, or Audrianna. Either scenario wrecks me a bit … more.
Phoebe stands, and I quickly realize that I am standing in the middle of a room, staring at him. Mortified, I hurry to the bathroom.
In the mirror, I look at my eyes, now constant lakes.
A tap at the door and a sweet, possibly the sweetest, voice asks, “Are you all right in there?”
“Yep, I will be out in a minute, Phoebe.”
I quickly wash the rest of the stage makeup from my face then head to Jade’s room and grab my Lit reading and a blanket. I sit on the floor amongst everyone, but out of his view, and read.
I barely register a hand on my head, and then I hear, “She’s warm. Hey, Tessa, wake up.”
I grumble and turn to my other side
I feel something stick in my ear and jump up, scrambling back to see Phoebe and Jade hovering over me.
“What was that for?” I ask, covering my ear.
“You have a fever, Tessa,” Phoebe answers.
“I’m fine.” I shoot up and hurry to Jade’s room, where I make a bed on the floor and lie down. Curling into a ball, I begin to drift asleep when I hear footsteps.
I open my eyes to see Phoebe hands me a cup of water then opens a bottle of Tylenol.
“Tessa, just take these, please.”
I do. “Thanks, Pheebs.” Then I lie down.
It feels like seconds later when I wake up to Jade’s heartbreaking cries in the dark.
It happens more throughout the night.
Chapter Twenty Four
Today, the drama club did a scene in front of the school. It went well. I did what I needed to. I acted, I sang, I pretended this hell, this life, was someone else’s. It was so much harder because, in the front row, I could see him. I sang to him, and he … looked right through me.
After school, I go to Jade’s and, for once, help her get ready. She now wears black dress pants and a button-up shirt, and I’m wearing a black tank dress with a gray, waist-length cardigan. Both of us keep our hair down and blown straight with light makeup.
At three o’clock, we leave, holding hands as we walk into the funeral home. The air around us is heavy, so heavy that the beautiful and bright day turns gray.
I sit Jade next to Lucas, kiss her head, and then I join the line of people mourning the loss of a great man. A cherished friend.
After giving my love and condolences down the line—Tommy’s parents, his sisters, family I don’t even know—I come to Lucas, hugging him and telling him, “I’m very sorry.”
Lucas returns my hug. “Thank You.” He presses his cheek to mine, and then his tone changes as he says. “Tessa, you’re very warm.”
I give my condolences to Jade. “I’l
l be here if you need me.”
Lucas stands and grabs my hand. “Come with me.”
Outside, he opens the SUV door, his face hard, his eyes … greens pools of worry. Thinking he needs to break down, I say nothing as I slide in.
When he pulls away from the curb, I still say nothing. He will talk when he needs to. He always does.
When he pulls into the pharmacy, he gets out. “Sit still. I’ll be right back.”
He returns with some sort of thermometer, Tylenol, and water.
“Lucas, this is unnecessary.”
He says nothing as he opens the package and reads the instructions. Then he leans over and pushes my hair to the side until it beeps.
“Completely un—”
“You have a 101 temperature.” He opens the bottle and spills two pills into his hand. “Take these.”
“I’m fine,” I lie.
He ignores me as he drops the pills into the palm of my hand, opens a water bottle, and hands it to me.
I take them.
He pulls out of the pharmacy and turns left.
“Lucas, you’re going the wrong way.”
“No, Tessa, you are going home.”
“No, Lucas, I need to be there for Jade.”
“You have been, and now you’re sick. Someone else can stay with her tonight.”
I shake my head and attempt to keep a cool head, which isn’t easy because, one, I have a temperature; and two, I’ve had almost enough. Almost. “Lucas, please turn around. I’m not going home.”
He ignores me, and I am too busy tamping down pissed off to even open my mouth.
He pulls into the driveway, throws it in park, reaches across me, throws open the door, unbuckles my belt, and says, “Out, Tessa, now.”
I cross my arms over my chest and keep looking straight ahead.
When he roars, “Now dammit!” anger decides it is at a boiling point, and my love—yes, love—for this complete and total asshole, bully, doesn’t allow me to lift the lid and let off the steam. So, as my tears spill on the proverbial stovetop, I get out.