by David Irons
'Perform the funeral and read the will? What else are you pencilled in to do, clean the windows here at the weekend?' Matt joked.
The priest smiled uncomfortably. 'With the will reading just think of my involvement as a prelude; I have been asked to read it here today but legal questions will have to be brought up in town later with the lawyers, as I don't have any answers regarding that stuff.'
'Seems a little strange, doesn't it?' Jennifer asked.
'It was Mr. Blitzer's wishes,’ he shrugged with a boy scout's smile. 'Oh, and we also have a film to commemorate Mr. Blitzer's life and death.'
'Blitzer the movie?' Lomax grunted. 'So how much did he pay the church for your services today? Or did it all go straight into your pocket?' The priest awkwardly turned his gaze away from Lomax and they continued forward towards the other door.
Kelly, alone in the middle of the hallway, leaning against the marble wall with her arms crossed, a foul mood brewing from within, watched as the group walked past. She wanted a time-out from her mom, and waited for Jennifer to pass as she purposefully stepped back in line next to her.
'Hey, I'm Kelly,' she said in a whisper.
'I'm Jennifer.' She smiled back, holding out her hand. The girl shook it, noticing Jennifer's sleeve rolled up, exposing her forearm and the grinning devil face on it.
'Come on down! Cool,' Kelly beamed.
'You think?'
'Yeah! Why did you get it?'
'Long story,' Jennifer sighed, 'I'll tell you some other time. I'm sorry about your dad.'
'He wasn't my real dad,' she whispered, 'just my step dad.'
'Oh,' Jennifer said, nonchalantly.
'How do you know him?' Kelly asked.
'He was my boss,' Jennifer replied flatly.
'Oh,' the girl sighed.
'Wow, sounds like we both had a great relationship with the guy,' Jennifer said, making Kelly snort out a laugh.
Alison, walking in front, whipped around and piped in, 'I think we can have a little more respect than this Jennifer, condoning children laughing. This is a funeral, a man died and you and… that girl just laugh?'
The group slowed down, all eyes landed on Alison, then onto Jennifer and Kelly.
A purposeful clicking could be heard behind them; everyone stopped dead in their tracks like a group of well-dressed mannequins. Turning, they saw the long sleek legs and tapping stilettos of Kristi striding towards them. Her eyes were ablaze, seemingly wired into some deeper negative force that made them bulge like red-hot coals in her skull.
'Can it, you miserable bitch!' she yelled. 'If her and my kid want to have a good time, let 'em! I can't think of a better day to be happy! Now the prick’s dead!'
Kristi pointed at Jennifer. 'I even kind of envy this lucky bitch. I heard you got front row view of his brains smearing the pavement.'
The priest's mouth fell open like he was about to try and lap flies from the air.
'Well I never...' Alison began, but was cut off. Kristi, pushing everyone out the way, stood over the worried woman. 'And you never will, you overgrown garden weed. I heard you are quite well educated, got a good brain on your shoulders?'
'Well yes, as a matter of fact at college I…' she was cut off again.
'As a matter of fact, if you don't shut up, you'll be explaining the physics of a broken nose to us, college girl! So, use those smarts and shut up!'
As Jennifer, Alex and Matt shared a wry smile, Kristi's words made the priest's eyes pop out, completing his bullfrog look. 'I — eh… think we should continue on inside, we have a very tight schedule to keep,' he said with a worry in his voice.
'Yeah, let's get this show on the road,' Kristi snarled and pushed past the priest to lead the way.
Matt knew this woman was a nightmare. When he had worked for her, she was beyond intolerable. But there was still something attractive about a well-dressed beautiful woman with a ballbuster attitude. Maybe she had somehow wired herself into a domineering fetish he never knew he had? Maybe it was the fact she was a challenge? Either way, her gusto made something stir inside him.
Making it down to the second marble door, Kristi aggressively pushed it wide open with all the strength in her arms. Suddenly, the gloomy insides of the corridor erupted in a kaleidoscope of light, making them squint and wince at its abruptness.
'Jesus,' Kristi whispered, as their eyes readjusted to take in the glistening array of prismatic coloured beams that fired down and surrounded them. Walking inside, they stared up towards the ceiling. Here, in what seemed to be the main chapel, the three-domed roof was a patchwork quilt of stained glass. Each individual pane glowed with the push of the day's final rays; streams of red, blue and yellow all mixed in the air, falling into patches of purple and green on the reflective marble floor.
Jennifer looked above at the two side by side domes and the larger one below them; she felt like she was looking at the inverted luminescent figure of a pregnant woman.
This magnificent space seemed to be the heart of the building. The entire room followed the shape and curves of the domes above; rows of black glossed doors that seemed to lead off further into the church coiled around its spherical walls. In front of them two lines of ten pews were situated in the middle of the room, and at their opposite end was a black stained wooden lectern. In front of it, on top of a huge grey stone altar, with brick work matching the stones on the outside of the building, was the reason they were here: the solid oak coffin of Gregory Blitzer.
'Now this is impressive,' said the priest, soaking up the glory of the space like it was his own. 'Before all of you arrived, I had a quick look around outside, I think there are three more ceilings like this out the back.'
Alex remained speechless, gaping at the finery of the room. The grandeur, the opulence, this was the cherry on the cake of Blitzer's ability to make and spend money. The thought of it sent hackles of jealousy through his body.
Matt stepped beside him. 'What I wouldn't give for some before and after shots to see what this place looked like.'
'And know what he spent on it,' Alex mumbled as they nodded in unison.
Jennifer and Kelly stood dazzled by the light show from above; dust motes danced between the dreamy beams like fairies from a story. Kelly, being the 21st century girl Jennifer wasn't, reached down for her phone. Opening the camera app, she pointed it straight upward and paused. The flat image on the screen missed all the trickery and nuance of the light, the reproduction on the small screen unable to do justice to the image above. Awkwardly moving backwards and sideways, she tried to take the best picture she could.
'Dammit,' Kelly said as the phone sounded its synthesized shutter click.
'What's wrong?' Jennifer asked.
'No Wi-Fi.'
Jennifer pulled out her own cell phone and checked. 'Nope, nothing. We're really out of it up here.'
Alison slithered past and sighed, not looking at them directly but staring at the phones disapprovingly. As they were all distracted by the building’s spectacle, deeper inside the ancient church, while distracted by its splendor, they were unaware that another unseen glass eye had made its count of seven. Like its electronic brethren before it, after a one-minute delay, the same computer sent a digital pulse to the hydraulic hinges on the marble hallway’s doorframe they had just passed through. As if operated by invisible spectres, the heavy marble doors drew together, then sealed as unseen steel rods slotted into place. Its secret closing constricted the building’s walls further around them, as if the stone snake creature outside flexed its endless serpent tail, tightening its grip on the building, pushing the new occupants further inwards to where it wanted them to be.
Kristi slunk up the main aisle straight towards the coffin, stopping directly in front of it, staring at its length. The man she used to share a warm bed with now lay there cold and eternally still; it was a morbid thought that made a smile break over her face.
'I hope you're having fun in there, you sick bastard,' she said out loud, ta
king the piece of gum she'd had in her mouth all morning, dubbing it on the coffin's lid. She turned around, reaching into her purse and bringing out her smart phone, holding it in front of herself. Pulling a perfect pout with beaming beautiful eyes, as she took a perfectly framed selfie with her ex-husband's coffin in the background. The shutter clicked and she walked away in disgust as her grin fell into an unimpressed grimace. Trying to tag the picture on Instagram with #grief #death, #funeral, #goodtimes, before realizing that she too had no access to the Internet as she walked back to the pews.
Alison watched the blatant coldness of the woman open mouthed. Taking a handkerchief from her pocket, she quickly moved to the coffin, plucking the gum from the lid. Making the only sound she dared in range of the volcanic Kristi, a quick, low 'humph'.
The priest lit candles around the coffin on floor standing candelabras; moving up behind his lectern, he scanned through the printed instructions of how the service should run, what his part in it was, how it was all to be operated. He read it was all computer automated; just like the modern world far away outside, everything he needed today was literally just a touch away. As promised on the white sheets of paper, he found a small black control panel with red buttons on it attached to the lectern; under each was a corresponding instruction, printed on a small nameplate.
Looking up at the stained-glass domes above them, noticing how its vibrant beams were dissipating, as the gloominess of night grew around them, he pressed the first button as instructed. 'Lights.'
Rows of bare, three feet long florescent tubes popped to life, mounted high on the walls around them. Looking out of place in such a historical, antiquated place, the bright white lights glowed like the walls of a spaceship in an old sci-fi movie with a low electric crackle.
'Classy,' Kristi blatted out.
Alex reached for his breast pocket, taking out a hip flask, he unscrewed its silver lid and took a swig: he offered it to Matt.
'No thanks, let's just sit down and get this thing moving.'
Taking the first two places on the left hand second row of seats, their actions gave notice for everyone else to do the same. Kristi nodded to Kelly, who left Jennifer's side and sat with her mother to the right of Matt and Alex, leaving Jennifer and Alison to pick their sides. This was a no brainer; Alison wandered a few rows behind the two men, while Jennifer sided with Kristi and Kelly.
The priest, noticing he had an audience, flustered with his paper work. 'Maybe it's time to get on with this,' he beamed.
Kristi rolled her eyes. She remembered that nervous smile well, so did Kelly. The nervous smile that made it legal for her to be a Blitzer. Poetic justice, she thought, glad to be there for two of the most miserable days of his life; as the same guy who married her to Blitzer, was now about to officially put him in the ground. Kristi liked this thought, it made her smirk; it all evened out in the end, didn't it.
'Now this isn't going to be like a usual funeral,' the priest exclaimed, 'not in the conventional sense. Mr. Blitzer has left some wishes of how he would like this carried out, and I will help you follow the proceedings today.'
There was a silence in the church; all eyes on him, unimpressed eyes: he felt every single pair burning towards him. Scanning over the paperwork and its next instruction – 'Music' – he reached for the control panel and pressed the corresponding button.
Through unseen speakers, morose organ music began to play. Its long dread-filled timbre stirred unrest in everyone. To her right, Kristi heard the low, pathetic snivel of Alison; the low weak sounds drew a frown over her eyes like thunderous clouds.
Matt glanced about, a discombobulated feeling winding around his grey matter. Everything about this funeral felt somehow… backwards. A twisting knot inside him grasped his gut. Looking at the coffin sitting centre stage, he turned to Alex, asking, 'Who brought him up here?'
Alex turned to him, knowing that it was about time that someone else started to ask the questions he was already beginning to think.
'Who brought him up here?' Matt said again. 'And who the hell is getting him out of here? Us?'
'Maybe those guys outside?' he rationalized.
Jennifer began to sense the bizarreness of this situation. No one in here gave a damn about the man in the box ready for the ground. She had heard of funerals that didn't have a single dry eye in the house, but this was the parallel opposite. Only Alison removed her unflattering glasses and pecked at the corners of her eyes with her handkerchief.
There was a feeling of all this being… convenient. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something was rotten in the world of Gregory Blitzer and it wasn't just his corpse in the box in front of them.
CHAPTER 6
The priest looked down at his paper apprehensively, a moment of worry and dismay fluttering over his face. Uncomfortably, he began.
'Tragedy can shake us at our core, but it can also unite us with our shared grief. Today we are here united for the tragic loss of a man…' The priest paused, looking at the following words, having a precognitive moment of the reaction that would follow; Kristi popped in another stick of gum with far away bored eyes. The priest swallowed and continued, '…Of a man… with so much goodness inside him, goodness for his friends, goodness for his loved ones and a goodness for his community.'
Kristi smiled at first, then cracked at the seams; cackling like something from the pits of hell.
'Who wrote this shit!' she roared, spitting her gum to one side, genuinely unable to control her laugh, closing her eyes and flashing her white polished teeth as she completely lost it. 'The only thing that guy was good at being was a great example of a complete asshole!'
'How could you say such a thing, today, here of all places!' Alison screamed through a melodramatic face of anguish and tears.
'Did she write this?' Kristi asked, thumbing at the weeping woman and staring up at the priest.
'I don't understand you, Kristi! You have zero compassion! You have zero respect!'
'Yeah,' Kristi snarled, not even turning back to the woman, looking bored, 'Zeros, I know all about zeros. I've been surrounded by zeros like you all my life.'
This caused Alex to put his head in his hands and also begin laughing with a deep rumbling from his expanded belly.
Matt drew a smile over his face, staring forward, not wanting to succumb to the laughter around him. Jennifer – the girl who wanted to be an observer, a viewer at the stage play of Blitzer's death – was sitting back and soaking it in with a smile too, getting the money's worth of her front row ticket.
'Mom! For god's sake!' Kelly snapped, making the priest shake his head at such a young girl's casual blasphemy, a child so young taking his Lord's name in vain. He stupidly wondered in that second where she learned such behaviour.
'Jesus Christ kid, is that what you call creative writing or what?' Kirsti screeched at her daughter, the priest's moment of wonder instantly answered. Sighing, he wished he'd never said yes to any of this fiasco. He cleared his throat loudly, trying to bring back some decorum to the proceedings.
'Please, please, let us pray.' he said in a pained voice, as petulantly, Kristi popped in more gum.
'Yeah come on; let's wrap this up. I've got better places to be than this cesspool.' She growled in-between big open-mouthed chews.
He looked up, never had he seen so many smiling faces at a ceremony of mourning; so much joy in the exercise of death. Trying to ignore them, appalled, he slowly looked back down and continued. 'Lord, you who can turn the shadow of death into the light of a new day, as we gather to commit Gregory into your hands, his life and his death is a testament to the scripture's warning,'
Suddenly another loud spat of tears poured from Alison's mouth, causing Kristi to turn around to look at the red-eyed woman, 'If you don't shut up, there's going to be more than a warning going on in here...'
'CAN WE PLEASE JUST HAVE SOME ORDER WHILE I FINISH THIS!' The priest screamed out, red faced, annoyed. Swallowing, breathing out hard he gripped the s
ides of the podium, calming himself. Quickly, he spat out his final few lines, shouting them with an accelerated rage. 'He who lives by the sword, also dies by the sword. We judge not least we be judged. And may Gregory Blitzer rest in peace! AMEN!'
'Look at that kid,' Kristi said to her horrified daughter. 'Pretends to be some kind of do-gooder and look at the attitude on him. I've never seen anything like it in my life.'
The priest slammed his fist down on the lectern, holding his tongue; the normally calm and placid priest was today having his holy patience put to the test. He stopped himself from answering back at the callous woman with his newly found fiery tongue.
He realized that all eyes were on him. Defiance against their cold-blooded comments might not go over well with the audience of sociopaths before him today.
Looking at the papers again, he reached down to the control panel and switched off the pre-recorded organ music. It stopped with a cut-off echo and the disappearance of its distraction made an awkwardness linger; coldness from the oncoming night grew in the oversized room.
The main stain-glassed dome above them didn't glow with sunlight anymore; it just sat dormant like a great big dark hollow tit, giving no warmth or life through its now drab panes.
'Well…' the priest said, wearily. 'We have something a little different before we move on to the will reading. It's a special request of the deceased. Mr. Blitzer has a message for us, a film message apparently, and if I press this button...'
'Great,' Alex said aloud with a grunt.
'Yeah, if I'd have known beforehand I would have bought popcorn,' Kristi scoffed, bitterly.
The priest scanned his eyes across the congregation. Fearing round two of vile behaviour was about to erupt, he quickly pressed the button with the label 'Film'. The strip lights dipped and from behind them some echoing, clanking sounds erupted seemingly from nowhere. Those of the group who were quick enough to turn around saw a slightly jutting out marble panel — fifteen feet in the air — slide smoothly to one side on runners. From the dark, square hole behind it, a fixed 16mm projector mounted to another horizontal moving marble panel slid out and stopped.