by Frankie Love
Because it kills me.
It also fuels my scenes every day when I show up on set.
Griff, the director is floored, in fucking tears when I deliver the monologue that closes the movie.
“What got into you, man?” he asks after he shouts ‘That’s a wrap’ to the cast and crew.
“You thought it went well?” I ask, knowing in my heart that I put it all out there.
“It’s gonna win us an Oscar.”
“Don’t jinx it,” I say, laughing. But deep down, I think he might be right. You can’t fake heartache like this.”
He smirks, then claps me on the back. “You killed it, Colton.”
The compliment, from him; it really means a lot. “Thanks, Griff. It’s always an honor to work with you.”
“So, what’s next?” he asks me as we walk toward the trailers.
“I don’t know. I want out of L.A., I know that much.”
“You’re crazy, Cole. To be thirty in L.A., with millions in the bank. You’re living the dream. So, you want out of L.A.? What does that even look like? And for what?”
I clench my jaw, thinking of Laila. Always thinking of Laila.
“I don’t know. I’m gonna go home and lie low, try to figure my shit out.” I think about how I turned my phone on for the first time in weeks, and how Rozzy had left hundreds of messages. How they had grown in their level of urgency.
Eventually, I trashed the entire phone, preferring no connection to the outside than that one. The worst part is, I brought it on myself. I am the one who took her out in the first fucking place. She seemed so normal, but after the date, I realized pretty damn fast it was an act.
Griff brings me back to the present. “That two-month road trip didn’t give you any clarity?”
“Clarity?” I run a hand through my hair. “I thought so. But... I don’t know, Griff. Do you ever feel like two parts of your life are competing with one another?”
Griff pushes his lips forward. “What, you mean like wanting to be a good dad, and all that shit but also loving directing and unable to stop being a workaholic?
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “How do you deal with that?”
He shrugs. “I always let someone down.”
I swallow. “That’s not what I was hoping to hear, Griff.”
“Hey, you’re in the prime of life. You can choose any movie you want, live anywhere you want, be anything you want. You don’t get to complain about having it too good. No one wants to hear that shit.”
“So, you think I should just go all in with what I really, truly want?”
Griff snorts. “Not if it means you won’t be signing contracts for my films.”
I shake my head, not feeling any closer to what I want: the woman who told me to go.
Chapter Ten
Laila
I stare at the two pink lines; at my life changing before my very eyes.
“Well,” Virginia says from the other side of the door. “What does it say?”
Sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, I reach for the doorknob and let the door fall open.
Ginny steps toward me, falls to her knees, wraps her arms around me. “Oh, sweetie.”
I wipe the tears falling down my cheeks. “I don’t even know how to find him, that’s the worst part.”
“Maybe he will come back.”
I scoff, wiping my nose. “Right, because after sending him away two times, he’ll really want to come back for a third.”
“He said he loved you, Laila. You never know.”
But I do. That last night, he asked me to stay and I left, without looking back. I was clear, but oh so wrong.
“I just don’t understand why he used a fake name,” Ginny says.
“We’re not sure it’s not him,” I say, holding out hope that my baby daddy is more than a liar.
“Cole isn’t on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn--anything. There isn’t any Google search at all that brings up his face with his name,” she says.
“I know,” I say, defeated. “So, my baby will never know its father. Is that the point here?” I drop my head in my hands.
“Shhh, no, sweetie,” Virginia says. “That wasn’t my point.”
“Than what was your point?” I stare at the pregnancy test. I’m going to be a mother.
How am I going to do this on my own?
“I can’t do this,” I say, thinking of my own childhood. My mom who was never there, being alone... running away. And then, it only got worse.
“You have me,” Ginny says. “You have everyone on this mountain.”
“But I want him,” I say, hating that I am the reason he isn’t here.
“I know, Laila, but it’s going to be okay.”
I try to steady my breathing. “I can’t work and have a baby and…”
“One thing at a time,” Ginny says.
“You know how much of a mess I’ve always been.” I set the test on the bathroom counter, walking into our shared bedroom. “Where will a baby even live?”
“I don’t know, but those are details we can work out.”
I look at my friend, the woman who has been a sister to me. Who saved me from the Badlands, the girl I owe my life to, and I feel like there’s suddenly a great divide.
“What do I do?” I ask, falling onto my bed. We are barely keeping the B&B open as it is. I’m going to have medical bills and won’t be able to work. “It’s an absolute mess, Virginia.”
Ginny sighs, lying down next to me on my bed. “What do you want?”
“I want Cole. A man who doesn’t exist.”
“And what else?” We face one another on the bed and I try to think.
“I want this baby to be happy and healthy. I want this baby to know it is loved.”
Virginia nods. “We’ve gotten through a lot of stuff, Laila. You’re a fighter. And you can’t quit now.”
I nod, trying to stop the tears from falling. “Right. So, I go to the doctor’s and figure it out. One step at a time.”
Virginia nods. “And you won’t be alone, you’ll have me every step of the way. And Cherish too.”
“Why didn’t I make him pay when he stayed here? I’d at least, have his credit card records so I could contact him,” I ask, hating myself for that tiny detail.
Virginia smiles, and I remember all the nights we spent like this, wishing we could get away from the Badlands, making plans to leave that would never come true. Two scrappy girls dreaming of a better life.
“Will life always feel so hard?” I ask.
Virginia shakes her head. “No. It’s gonna get better. I promise.”
“How do you know?”
“Because we moved to the place where miracles happen.”
“You believe in that?”
“I choose to.”
“Will you come to me with the doctor’s?” I ask, scared of being alone.
“Of course, Laila.”
We stay like that for a long time, both of us avoiding the work that needs to be done at the B&B. Everything else can wait. Right now, my world has been rocked and I need the dirt to settle before I can stand on my two feet.
The day of the doctor’s appointment, I admit to being nervous. I don’t know what questions might be asked of me, and I don’t want anyone to ask about the dad.
The truth is, I don’t have an answer for that.
Virginia, Cherish, and I sit in the waiting room, and we try to distract ourselves by reading magazines.
“These organizing tips are so unrealistic,” Cherish says, balking at an article.
“You should write articles,” I tell her. “The real perspective from a mom of many.”
“Harper is writing a book about being a mom to multiples right now,” Cherish tells me.
“That’s awesome,” Virginia says. “Not that I plan on being a mom anytime soon, but good for her. First, she wrote romance novels, now this.”
“See, a baby doesn’t have to stop you from chasing your dreams,” Cheri
sh says.
“Right, all those dreams of mine.”
“Hey.” Virginia elbows me. “What about the B & B?”
“We both know that’s your thing,” I tell her. “You’re the one who really wanted to open that.”
“Do you not like running it with me?”
I shake my head, “That’s not it. I like being busy. But, I don’t know, I can’t see myself doing it forever. I am sick of cleaning up after other people. It’s all I did in the Badlands. I was basically a sex slave and glorified maid. I want to be more than that.”
“Um, speaking of more than that... Laila isn’t this Cole?” Cherish asks, holding an entertainment magazine cover out to us.
On the cover is Cole Mills.
Except the cover’s headline reads Colton Miller: Is he the father?!
I’m not one to stay up to date on current events, but I can put two and two together.
“Holy crap,” Virginia says, grabbing the magazine and staring at the image of the father of my child. “I knew he looked familiar.”
“You know him?” I ask.
“Not well, but he was in that famous movie, the one that won those awards, Hawk Line?”
“I’ve heard of that,” Cherish says slowly. “Wait, he didn’t tell you he was an actor? Like an Oscar-winning actor?”
I shake my head, trying to remember what he’d said about his job. Boring stuff. Lots of talking people up and making people happy. Contracts and saying the right thing to the right people. Also known as an actor.
My heart is pounding in my chest. He lied to me. About everything.
Virginia is pulling open the magazine, scanning the article. She gasps and I bury my face in my hands.
“Do you want to know, Laila?”
“Just tell me.”
“Some woman name Rozzy Thomas is stating that she is pregnant with his child, and he apparently refuses to take a paternity test, stating her claims are slanderous.”
Cherish wraps an arm around me as tears fall down my cheeks. “It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.”
Is it, though? Cole kept everything from me and turns out he might be the father of another woman’s child too.
Just then a nurse pushes open a door. “Laila Adams.”
I reach for Virginia and Cherish’s hands, clutching them to mine. “Don’t make me go alone,” I tell them.
“We’ll be here every step of the way,” Cherish says.
I hold on to them tight, thinking of how grateful I am. Because right now, they are all I have.
Chapter Eleven
Colton
“Just kill the story! Now!” I shout, pacing my house.
“It’s not that simple,” my publicist Mary says. “You have to take the test or this is just going to blow up. And then who is going to fix this mess? We need to try and get ahead of this. She already has the upper hand with the angle of this story.”
“I won’t give her that. It’s exactly what she wants--”
Mary cuts me off. “It doesn’t matter what she wants. It’s what’s best for your brand.”
“Fuck my brand.” I want to slam my fist in a wall. “Dammit, I spent a whole fucking month clearing my head of this shit, only to have it all thrown right back in my face the moment I get into town.”
“Well, you could have told me this woman Rozzy and her brother were an issue. I can’t help you when you refuse to tell me these things. And get yourself a phone, Colton. This isn’t the dark ages.”
“I don’t want a phone. I don’t want any of this.”
Mary presses her fingers to her temples. “Any of what, exactly?” she asks me in a clipped tone.
“Any of the bullshit that comes with the job.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying the whole world isn’t like this.”
“Like what?”
“So damn concerned about lawsuits and bullshit magazine articles. I never even slept with the woman.”
Mary lifts her hands, trying t get me to focus. “Then take the test and we can be done with this.”
“No, I need to get out of town.”
Mary groans. “Not again, Colton.”
“Not again what?”
“You can’t just ghost everyone for some Jack Kerouac bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit. I need--” Just then Mary’s phone rings.
Frowning, I look at Mary as she takes the call.
“It’s who? No, I’ve never heard of that person. Just probably another crazy stalker. Can you handle it? Okay, thank you.” She hangs up, turning to me. “No need to worry.”
“Worry about what?”
“Apparently some woman is at our office downtown, demanding to get a meeting with you.”
“Who is it?”
Mary waves her hand. “It doesn’t matter. You need to focus on the Rozzy situation.”
“It’s not a situation. It’s a--” Mary’s phone rings again. When she takes it, I throw my hands up. “This is bullshit. I’m out of here.”
She cups her hand over the phone. “Where are you going?”
“Far away.” As I head toward my front door, Mary trails after me, but I’m not answering her questions. I hate the idea of this story being out in the world and I hate the idea of Laila getting her hands on it.
“Stop, Colton, how can I get a hold of you?” she hollers after me as I reach the foyer.
“You won’t. It’s called ‘off the grid’ for a reason.”
She calls after me, clearly upset, so I pause and turn back for a moment. “I’m going to Miracle Mountain, Mary. It’s time I found my happily ever after.”
“Miracle what? Happily who?” Mary shakes her head in confusion. “You need to tell me these things if you want me to do my job!”
“Then maybe I don’t want you to do this job anymore.”
“You don’t want a publicist?” Mary scoffs as I pull open the front door.
“Maybe not, in fact, I don’t really think I want this job at all.”
“You don’t mean that.” Mary eyes me as if I’m crazy and maybe I am. Right now I feel insane that I ever left Laila.
“Here is what I do know, Mary, I don’t want a life that is built on lies. I want a life that is real. And that doesn’t exist in L.A.”
I grab my wallet and keys and walk through the door. If I want Laila to take me seriously I have some things I need to clear the fuck up.
The private plane lands in Boise a few hours later. I may complain about my job, but it certainly has afforded me some perks. I spent the entire flight on the phone with a real estate agent named Louisa and I have plans to meet her tomorrow morning in Eagle Crest.
Now, though, I need to get to Laila. Explain a few things. Namely, tell her the truth about who I am. The last thing she needs is to have another man letting her down.
I rent a truck and drive toward the B&B. It’s a two-hour drive, but with music blasting and the windows rolled down, it feels like no time at all. I listen to Bob Dylan singing about tangled hearts and all I can think about is that when I’m with Laila my heart isn’t tangled at all. It is unfurled and whole and hers.
When I pull up at the farmhouse, I stretch my hands over my head and take a deep breath. It’s do-or-die time right here.
In the foyer, Ginny is finishing a phone call. When she sees me, her eyes get wide. “Uh, gotta go,” she says into the phone. She ends the call and walks around the front desk, mouth gaping. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Looking for Laila. Is she here?”
“Is she here?” Virginia scowls. “What kind of question is that?”
“Uh, the most important one.”
She scoffs, hands on her hips. “Interesting thing to say, Colton Miller.”
I exhale, knowing that is the worst-case scenario. Her finding out about me before I had a chance to set the record straight.
“Shit,” I say, running hand over my full beard. “She knows then?”
&n
bsp; “Yeah, and she’s pissed. The last thing she needs is another man who is dishonest with her.”
“I wasn’t trying to--”
Virginia waves her hand in the air. “Save it for her.”
“Right. I came here to tell her the truth. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
“The right thing?” Virginia rolls her eyes.
“Why are you being so hard on me?” I ask her, genuinely confused. Yes, I didn’t tell her best friend I’m an actor, but I’m here now, trying my best.
“Because Laila deserves more than a man who doesn’t stick around.”
And with that, Virginia leaves the foyer, and I’m left knowing I’ve fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Chapter Twelve
Laila
No one returns my calls. No one gives me any information. And no one seems to care that I am in desperate need of reaching Colton Miller.
I realized he may be a player who has gotten some tabloid star pregnant, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t also gotten me pregnant.
And he deserves to know.
Not that it matters since no one is taking me seriously in this town.
It’s no wonder Colton spoke of L.A. with such disdain--I feel so far from the mountains down here. In the moment, I was sure coming alone was a good decision. I wanted to take a stand for myself and my child, I wanted to do this on my own.
Truth is, I had never even boarded a plane before today. But Jonah drove me to the Boise airport and got me a ticket and asked me again if I was sure I wanted to do this on my own. Virginia thought it was crazy, chasing a man like this.
But that isn’t what this is about. It is about giving Colton the chance to explain himself. Yes, he wasn’t honest about everything, but when he looked into my eyes and told me he loved me... I think he meant it.
Which is why I want him to know about his baby. He deserves the truth. God knows no man ever offered me as much. But that doesn’t mean I have to stoop to anyone else’s level. I can be the best me and give him the benefit of the doubt.