“My talents,” I say. “Right.”
She goes back to the potatoes, and I give up, heading to the door.
“Finn.”
I turn to look at her.
“You have a lot to offer that girl, if that’s what you want. You have a lot to offer anyone.” She holds my gaze for a minute and goes back to torturing the potatoes.
It’s not the apology I wanted, but I know it’s the best I’ll get from her. And that’s enough for now.
We eat together as a family for the first time in a long time. Bridget and Rory seem more like twins than the actual twins of our family, Callan and Catriona, as they dare each other to eat a particularly bad-looking potato. Siobhan talks to my father about music while Patrick eats as much of the rescued roast as humanly possible. It’s strange how normal and domestic a scene it is.
I think about Sasha and wonder what she’s doing right now. I can’t stop thinking about her, and it disturbs me.
Eventually, Siobhan leans over. “You know, this is a time when you probably should just show up at her house. Bring some flowers, though. Nice ones.” She registers my surprise. “What? You’re brooding. Stop brooding and go get the girl,” she whispers.
After dinner, I excuse myself and head out. All of the nice florists are closed, but some of the higher end supermarkets will have something decent. It’s after eight when I pull up to Sasha’s house.
I take a deep breath and step out of my SUV.
22
Sasha
My father chucks another empty beer can into the recycling bin. I’d set one up near his chair so he’d be less likely to toss them on the floor.
“Bin’s full!” he screams at me.
It’s trash night anyway, so I might as well take it out. It’s cold, but I don’t bother putting a coat on and just grab the bin and carry it out to the curb.
We’ve had more snow, and the banks pushed up from the plows come up to my hip. I nestle the bin securely in the one closest to the road and am about to head back in and grab the trash when I hear my name.
Finn crosses the street and comes over to where I’m standing.
“Hi.”
“Should you be driving with a sling?” I ask. It’s stupid, but it’s the first thing that comes to mind.
“No, probably not.” He shrugs. “But I wanted to see you.”
He holds out a bouquet of hydrangeas, and I take them gingerly.
“Thank you.” They’re bright blue with big green leaves.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” he says. “I meant to. I just had so many things I wanted to say to you, and I didn’t know where to start.”
“It’s okay. You don’t owe me anything. You saved Benjamin. And I know you’ll be respectful to the casino staff in a way your father wouldn’t.” The man who took a bullet for my brother isn’t the same man who had me brought forcibly to his house those weeks ago. That’s clear, no matter how the rest of this conversation goes.
“I owe you everything. Everything, Sasha. I was just so overwhelmed.” He notices me shivering.
“Where’s your coat?” he asks, running a hand down my arm. “You shouldn’t be outside without a coat. It’s freezing.”
“Trash day tomorrow.” I nod at the recycling.
“Oh. Let me help you with the rest of that.”
I look back at the house dubiously. It feels obscene having someone as well-dressed as Finn in my shoddy house, carrying out our garbage.
“Come on,” he says, curling an arm around me. “We need to talk.”
We head back inside.
“I don’t want to talk in front of my father,” I murmur. “My bedroom…”
“Very forward of you,” he says.
I laugh despite my nervousness. When we get to my room, I place the flowers on the dresser. Why am I so scared now? I feel a deep longing to be held, to be comforted. I’m so tired of always having to be strong.
“I’ve missed you, Sasha. I didn’t know if you wanted to see me after everything that happened. After what I did, and what my father did.”
I take a deep breath and sit on the bed with my legs crossed under me. “I do want to see you.”
He sits next to me. My bed is way too small for a man like Finn, and it groans under his weight.
“Why did you step down from the Trinity case?” he asks.
Business, then?
“It was too personal. Now that the worst part is over, I knew someone else would feel comfortable taking it on. Besides, I want to go back to school and I couldn’t do that if I were mid-negotiations.”
“That’s great. Have you applied anywhere?”
“I’ll go back to Salem State. I was already two years in, and they’ll let me keep my credits.”
I’ll have to take out a bunch of loans, but I need some forward momentum.
“I want to do social work,” I continue. “Which means graduate school, but I’ll figure it out.”
“You’ll be amazing at that,” he says. He’s watching my mouth and it sends a spark through me. “I’m thinking of grad school too. Something like museum curation so I can run a place like the athenaeum. Make it more accessible.”
“That sounds perfect.” I reach out and touch his thigh. The heat of that one touch sears me, and I pull my hand back. “Sorry.”
He takes my hand and puts it back on his thigh. “Don’t be.”
He kisses me softly, caressing my cheek as he does, running his hand down my shoulder and across my back. I slide my arms around his neck, careful to avoid his injury. He kisses me until I’m breathless, then pulls away, taking my hands in his.
“I don’t deserve you, Sasha. But I care about you, a lot, and I want to be with you. I like who I am when I’m with you, and I haven’t liked myself for a very, very long time.”
My heart pounds. This can’t be real.
“But I’m…” I look around my shoddy bedroom. “Finn, you could get any woman you want.”
“I want you. I’d give up everything I have and live in a shack on the Mystic if it means I could be with you.”
I reach up and stroke his hair, down the stubble on his chin. Sometimes he has a beard, sometimes he doesn’t, but he looks amazing either way.
“No,” I say. “Not by the Mystic. Not until your father cleans it.” I lean forward and kiss him. “But I want to be with you, too.”
He lights up, and his happiness is intoxicating.
“I told you I own that place in Charlestown, right?”
I nod. It was how he figured out how to get the deeds to his father’s other properties.
“My second-floor tenant is moving out. I was wondering if you and Benjamin want to move in, rent-free of course. You’d have to leave his address here until he’s done with school, but it may be less stressful for him to finish in a different environment.” He senses my hesitation. “My family disrupted your lives in such a big way, Sasha. Please let me make it up to you.”
“But my father,” I whisper.
“He’s an adult. He can get a job. He won’t change if you keep making it easy for him not to.”
He’s right.
And I want to do something for myself for once.
I throw my arms around Finn. He grunts in pain and shifts me to his good side.
“Don’t tell your father until we have everything you want out of the house,” he says, kissing my hair.
It’s good advice, and Benjamin and I move our treasures out slowly, so he doesn’t notice. There isn’t a lot, but I don’t want him to have the things my mother and Grandma Goldie left for me. When we’ve moved everything of value out, Benjamin and I are both ready to say goodbye.
I thought I’d be relieved, but I’m surprised at how sad I am, bereft, almost, for the way our lives could’ve been if he’d been a better man. And I know this will have consequences for him. He’s had women taking care of him his whole life, and I don’t know if he’ll change anything once I go.
And if he doesn’t,
he probably won’t be around a very long time. He’s not my responsibility, but it feels bad doing this anyway. I wish I didn’t have to. But I do. I don’t want to end up alone with nothing but resentment.
“We’re leaving,” I tell Dad. “Benjamin and I are leaving. We’ve taken care of you long enough. It’s time for you to stand on your own two feet.”
My voice shakes. I hate that it shakes but I still said the thing I needed to say.
“Bullshit,” my father says, turning up the television. “Where the hell do you two have to go? Benji has school anyway.”
“I mean it,” I say. “If you ever clean your act up, you can give me a call. Until then, I wish you the best of luck. I wish I could say that I’ll miss you, but I won’t. I won’t miss the abuse. I won’t miss the insults and the stress.”
I’ll miss what could’ve been, but I’m not going to waste my life pining for could-have-beens when real, concrete happiness is within reach.
He ignores me and turns the TV up until it’s painful to listen to. I feel frozen to the spot. I’ve been anticipating being free from him my whole life, and now that it’s here, suddenly, I’m not sure what to do.
Benjamin takes my arm. “Come on, sis. He’ll have plenty of time to think about his mistakes without us here.” He looks at my father. “I’ll never forgive you for what you did to Mom. Or to Sasha. Sasha would, though, if you’d make even the smallest attempt at being a decent person.”
He pulls me toward the door. “Let’s go.”
I follow him out to a van we’ve rented. It’s packed with the last of our things. Finn offered to help me face my father, but I wanted to do it with just Benjamin. I expected more of an explosion, to be honest, but his callous dismissal may be worse, somehow.
But I’m proud of myself for leaving, hard as it was.
We unload the final boxes in the new apartment. I head upstairs and knock on Finn’s door.
He opens it and frowns. “You don’t have to knock,” he says, pulling me against him. “This is your place too. Let’s get you unpacked.”
“Oh, Benj and I took care of that already.”
He sighs. “Sasha you’re supposed to let me help you with all the manly stuff. We talked about this.”
I giggle and he squeezes me tighter.
“Next time there’s heavy lifting let me help, please? You don’t need to do everything alone.”
He kisses my neck and I moan softly.
“Jesus Christ,” he growls in my ear. “I’m hard already.”
I laugh again, and he pulls me into his place, shutting the door behind us. He leads me into his bedroom and we tangle in each other’s arms.
“Benjamin should probably knock though,” he says, stroking my breasts. “Don’t want him to be further traumatized by walking in on me ravishing his delectable sister.”
He proceeds to ravish me with his mouth, and I melt against him, enjoying every second. We kiss for an eternity, and then I lie in his arms.
“Was it hard saying goodbye?” he asks.
“Not for him,” I say. “He didn’t even register it. Probably won’t notice until the beer runs out.”
He kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s too bad,” I say. “But I can’t change him into a better person.”
He nuzzles my neck. “It’s true. My father is going to shit his pants when I bring you to dinner.”
I huff out a quiet laugh.
“Are you sure you want to go?” he asks. “I recognize how beyond fucked up it is, given what he did. It’s not your normal ‘boyfriend’s dad is an asshole’ drama.”
“God, it is. But it’ll be fun watching him squirm, especially knowing what I know about your long-term plans.” I arch my neck and he slowly draws his tongue down behind my ear. “Boyfriend, huh?”
He nibbles a path toward my shoulder. “No? What’s your poison then? Partner? Lover?” He says ‘lover’ in a deep, throaty voice that makes me laugh.
“Boyfriend is good,” I say, giggling.
He brushes my hair aside and plants an open mouth kiss on my shoulder. “I love you, Sasha. I can’t believe you’re here with me.”
The shock of his words sends a tidal wave of feelings through me. My mind tells me to argue, that no one could possibly love poor trash like me, but I silence that voice and reach up and trace a finger down the side of his angular jaw.
“You’re one lucky bastard,” I say. “But I’ve never felt this free before. I love you too, Finn. And I’m excited to figure out how to live our lives, for us, and not simply in reaction to our circumstances.”
He chuckles. “I am a lucky bastard. But I’m excited too.”
Finn tickles my neck with my hair.
“You know when we had our little Burns night celebration?”
He nods. We’d talked at length about what had happened that weekend. I’d needed it to process and I feel good about where we ended up.
“There’s something I never told you,” I say, running a finger along the collar of his t-shirt
His expression turns serious. “What is it?”
“I touched myself in your bed that night.”
“Jesus Christ, Sasha,” he says, pinning me underneath him.
I laugh and he presses another kiss to my collarbone.
“I’m going to ravish you again,” he says, “but before I do…when the business with my father is complete, I want us to found a charity together. Let’s think about what that might look like? After I have my way with you, I mean.”
I gasp and slide my hands over his shoulders. “That’s a wonderful idea, Finn.”
“Sure, but it can wait. I can’t stop thinking about you touching yourself in my bed and I need to work out some sexual tension, if you’re game?”
“You’re awful,” I say, laughing. “But so am I. I’m down.”
He lets out a possessive, low moan and I arch against him. I’m ready to go all in and live the life I want.
And it feels so good to not be afraid to do that, more powerful than I could have imagined. The future’s never been brighter, and my small world has expanded beyond anything I could’ve comprehended. Whatever comes at us, we’ll face together.
James Carney doesn’t stand a chance against that.
Epilogue – Sasha
Two Years Later
“Thanks for the party, sis. Got a date. See ya.”
Benjamin waves at me with the burger he’s holding as he heads out of the Carneys’ enormous courtyard.
God, I can’t believe how tall my baby brother is. He got into Stanford, full-ride, and he’s just finished his sophomore year. He really came into his own once he had the time and space to discover what he wanted and needed. I’m so proud of the confident young man he’s grown into.
Getting used to his constant stream of girlfriends has been something else entirely. He promised me he treats them well, and that’s all I can ask for.
He came home for summer, but also for the graduation party Finn is throwing for me. I went back to school and finished a semester early. It was so much easier since I didn’t have to work. I protested when Finn insisted I focus on my studies, but then he showed me the deed to his Charlestown building—he’d had my name added to it.
“I don’t want you feeling trapped,” he said, “so I wanted to give you a little financial security. Targeted redistribution of wealth.”
He let me keep the rent from the first-floor apartment, too, and I had a nice little nest egg now. Of course, he negotiated a salary from ol’ Jimbo in return for liaising with the staff, so he wasn’t hurting for income either.
The negotiations went well. Finn is tough, but fair. He offered Jamilah her job back, and she turned him down, but we both appreciated the gesture. He even offered my no-good father a job, but my father angrily declined. Last I heard, he’d sold the house and was living in public housing, drinking himself to death.
It’s a shame, but I don’t regret leaving.
And I have, too.
His mother is polite and distant, but she’s that way with everyone. His father still watches me with narrowed eyes sometimes, as if waiting to see what kind of long game I’m playing. He won’t figure that out until it’s too late, but it’s not any game of mine. If he asked, I’d tell him I’m going on to graduate school in the fall, as I planned. Social work. Finn’s been tackling his Ph.D. as only he can—like it’s an exciting hobby.
He’s brilliant, and he’ll come home from class thrilled to share what he learned that day. His enthusiasm is contagious. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got offered a curator position at his beloved Athenaeum once his doctorate is in hand. Someday we’d start the charity we dreamed up together too—something that offers college scholarships to kids in tough situations—full rides with living expenses included.
“What’re you thinking about?” Finn slides up behind me, kissing my head.
“You,” I say, pulling his arms around me. “And how you’re a genius.”
“Is that right?” he asks. “Well, I’m about to do the smartest thing I’ve ever done.”
“What’s that?” I ask, pressing against him.
He spins me around and gets down on one knee in front of me. “If you’d asked me before we met if I was happy, I would’ve said yes, even though I was entirely miserable. I didn’t know what happiness could feel like until you came into my life. And I’d be the happiest man in the entire world if you’d agree to be my wife.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring. It’s so him to skip the little velvet box, and I couldn’t love him more.
“Yes!” It comes out as an embarrassing squeal, but I can’t believe this is happening. He slips the ring on my finger.
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