by Shelly Crane
“Are you ok?” she touched my forehead with the backs of her fingers. “You don’t feel warm but you looked a little flushed.”
“I’m fine. I’m not really hungry, just gonna go to bed. Don’t worry. I’m just tired,” I included so she wouldn’t feel the need to check up on me.
She called up to me with a sweet “Feel better”.
After a shower in which I cried in self pity and stayed way too long in the hot water, I sat on my bed and debated shutting my eyes. I mean it wasn’t real. Apparently I was having some kind of breakdown. The death of my parents had pushed me over the edge somehow but it was only now that I was feeling the effects; a delayed response due to denial or shock maybe. I didn’t know, but I did know that I wasn’t ready to see Eli when I closed my eyes. To see his disappointment in me and hear him tell me I was stupid for worrying about Tate and everything else.
But I knew I couldn’t fight it all night. So I lay back and closed my eyes and was met with nothing but darkness. Eventually I drifted to sleep and Eli never made an appearance. I guessed I was going crazy after all.
~ ~ ~
I decided to lie.
I was in no mood to face everyone at school, with their smug grins that had no place on their faces. I didn’t want to face Tate and his guilt and dodge the begging ceremony I knew he was trying to stage. And I didn’t want to face Eli.
So, I lied.
I told Mrs. Ruth that I was sick and threw together a concoction that resembled what I was going for into the toilet. She took barely a peak and turned green, yelling that I was excused from school as she practically ran down the hall. I felt bad for lying but strangely also wanted to giggle at how easy it had been. I hardly ever missed school.
All that day I stayed in bed and watched vamp show reruns. I sulked and tried to not think about Tate or Eli. I was basically a coward but I knew I couldn’t be one all day. There was a match at school that night and I had to attend, especially after running out on last night.
In the afternoon, I got up and took another shower. Mrs. Ruth had tapped on my door several times to check on me but I just assured her I was fine until she went away. Now I could hide no longer. My life awaited me and I had to face it.
So I grabbed a biscuit off the stove on my way out and waved to the babies, telling Mrs. Ruth I just needed rest because I felt fine. She didn’t look convinced but, didn’t stop me. Pastor Paul caught me at the door and hugged me, kissing my forehead. It reminded me so much of my father that I had to stop the gasp that always wanted to seep out. I squeezed my eyes tight to stop the wetness and looked up to him with a smile.
He must have seen it written all over my face. His expression softened even more, which didn’t seem possible. There was understanding there, not sympathy.
“Your parents would be so proud of you, Clara. I just wanted to tell you that.”
“Thanks,” I croaked and turned away. I highly doubted that they’d be proud of me today. “I have to get to the school. See you later.”
“Bye, honey. Midnight.”
“I remember,” I called over my shoulder and waved without turning.
Then I felt my pocket buzz with a text message right as I reached the parking lot to the gym.
Meet me outside the away locker room after the match. I want to talk. Please. Just for a minute. – Tate
I knew I should have just disregarded it but I had to talk to him eventually. I decided I’d go and tell him I needed some time to think. He needed to get himself together as well. It would be better by ourselves instead of talking at school in front of everybody.
I went to the booth and got right to work selling tickets and merchandise. Another girl, Tamara, was helping today but I didn’t say anything to her or anyone else.
Once it was time for the match I made my way inside. For some reason I found myself searching the stands for Patrick. I saw him at the bottom bleacher with his friends but there was someone else who had stopped to talk to him...Eli. They were chatting and laughing and I was too ashamed to face Eli or Patrick right then, so I went to turn, but Eli saw me at the last second. His violet gaze pierced me to my spot and I stared back at him. Finally he released me and I almost stumbled away. I went to the side where I never sat for the games. I just couldn’t deal with anyone right then.
A few of the people sitting there gave me a funny look but ultimately left me alone. Everyone knew who I was and where I sat. I hadn’t realized how shallow and predictable I had become.
The match went on without a hitch. I watched as Sarah looked around for me but finally decided to just ogle the opposing team. Tate looked for me too but didn’t see me. He looked disappointed.
We won though and at the end of the match, I got up to leave. I saw Eli making his way to me. Once again I wasn’t ready to hear more of his disappointment in me or lectures so I turned and hurried out the door. I made my way to the guest shower housing. I walked slowly, giving them time to be packed up. I heard talking and figured Tate was there with some of the guys or something but when I turned the corner, I saw that he wasn’t talking at all.
He had Deidre pushed up against the side of the building and was kissing her. His hand drifted up her skirt to places I didn’t want to think about. She opened her eyes and when she saw me. She pulled back and smiled.
“Baby, what if someone catches us?” she asked him sweetly.
“We won’t get caught,” he murmured against her lips and hoisted her skirt higher. “That’s why we always do this here, because no one else ever comes over here. Now, be quiet and-”
I gasped and covered my mouth in disgust. He heard. He dropped her and turned to me shocked.
“What the hell are you doing way over here, Clara?” he asked and tried to straighten his clothes.
“You texted me,” I said incredulously. “Why would you text me so I would find you like this?”
“I didn’t text you. Clara...” he started but I backed away.
“Oh, Tate, here you go. You left this in my car…earlier,” Dee said happily and twiddled his phone in her fingers before giving it to him.
“You?” he asked and it all fell into place. “You texted her so she’d find us? Why?”
“Because I’m tired of being your little secret. If she won’t give it up for you, fine, date me instead and solve that problem but you can’t have it both ways.” She looked at me and smiled her best winning smile. “I got him after all didn’t I?”
Tate turned to look at me. He was angry and upset and sorry all at the same time. And none of it mattered.
“Clara, please...I never meant to hurt you, I just...I needed some...release with all the stress in my life and you weren’t there for me in that way so I just... This hasn’t been going on that long, just the past couple weeks,” he stammered and ran his hands through his hair, like he knew it was hopeless. “It meant nothing,” he told me in a groan and Dee huffed.
“You can’t justify what you did,” I argued. “If we ever had a chance of getting back together, that’s gone now.”
“Clara, no. Please! Babe, I’m begging you,” he called but I took off running towards the parking lot. “Stop! Wait!”
Angry tears dripped down my face. All this time they’d both been going behind my back. Dee was getting back at me and Tate was using her and she didn’t even care as long as I suffered for it.
I wiped my face as the last of the people climbed into their cars. I saw Patrick getting into his old yellow VW bug with his friends and he saw me. He stopped the door in mid swing as he opened it and peered at me, clearly seeing me crying. I sniffled and turned to make my way to the street. One quick look back showed he’d made the decision to just go and not worry about me.
As I reached the sidewalk and stopped for traffic, I felt someone behind me. I could tell it was Eli. I wasn’t sure how I always knew but I did, without a doubt.
“You were right about Tate,” I said without turning and tried to ease the strain from my words. “He had
no intentions of not hurting me anymore. Tate and Dee have been making a fool out of me. I got what I deserved, I hope you’re happy.”
I started to cross the four lane but he pulled me to a stop with a hand on my arm.
“Now why would I be happy about that?”
I refused to look at him. I stared down at the black Chuck Taylors he was wearing.
“Because I’m a horrible person. I’m a brat, a tease, a sheep. I’m a bad person who lets bad things happen. You said so yourself.” I tried to cross the street again but he stopped me once more with a grasp to my fingers. I huffed and turned to look at him, my voice raising to a yell. “What! What do you want? I can’t handle anymore lectures tonight, ok, I can’t handle anymore disappointment. Just leave me alone,” I finished softly and tried one last time to leave his grasp but this time when he pulled me back, he pulled me to him.
I felt the warmth of his chest and it felt so much like I belonged there; like it was home. He lifted my chin with his finger, his forearm around my back, and looked at me intensely.
“You are not a bad person and you don’t deserve this.”
“Yes, I do!” I sniffed and felt more tears glide down to my jaw.
He wiped one away with his thumb.
“You’re better than them, Clara. You don’t have to follow them just because that’s what you’ve always done. Sometimes, you have to make up your own mind about what’s right.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even...belong here anymore.”
“Because Tate cheated on you? He doesn’t define you, Clara.”
“It’s not just Tate. It’s everything. I’m only involved in Spirit Squad because my mom wanted me to be. My dad was ecstatic I was dating Tate; the wrestling star and the Mayor’s son. I felt obligated to my parents to continue to be who I was when they were alive. But I’m not happy,” I cried harder.
“You have to make your own happy. You can’t depend on other people for that.”
“Are you happy?” I asked looking up at him.
He looked at me closely, watching me watch him. Then he bent his head and kissed me, softly and gently at first. I was completely confused and enthralled by how much I’d wanted him to do that and I wound my arms around his middle as our lips met for the first time in agonizing weeks. Then I opened my mouth to his out of sheer requirement.
He had a tongue ring that I had no prior knowledge of and my blood heated to think about it as it clanked gently once against my teeth. His fingers on my chin moved to my cheek and then to my hair. It sent thrills through me and I shivered and pressed myself closer. He groaned, a strained sound, and pulled away.
We stood close, our foreheads touching and our hot breaths mingling and swirling making me feel intoxicated in the foggy dark parking lot. He pulled back to look at me and smiled a little bit. Then kissed me once more softly on the lips.
“I’ve wanted to do that ever since I saw you in the park that day.” He pulled my hand up to kiss my palm then looked both ways and pulled me across the street. “Go straight inside,” he told me as he pushed me towards my porch.
Then he walked away and took off down the street towards his house. I was in stunned awe. I walked in a daze up the stairs and wondered what had caused him to end our kiss so abruptly. I also wondered why I wasn’t more upset about Dee and Tate. I was, but I would think I’d be in hysterics; I should’ve been. But I wasn’t in agony. I was hurt but I was more angry at the betrayal. I had no idea what tomorrow was going to bring but, I knew there was no way I could just sit with them at lunch and pretend that what they did was all ok anymore. And even if Eli hadn’t just kissed me, Tate and I would still be so over.
Things were about to change.
Pastor and Mrs. Ruth were watching television and the children were already in bed so I crept up the stairs quietly so as not to disturb them and went straight to my dresser. I had some soul cleaning out to do.
The prom picture from last year - trashed it. The picture of the whole gang at a beach party this summer, all wearing our bathing suits and jumping into the air - gone. The photo booth pics Tate insisted we get together at the mall where he kissed me in a different spot in every one - done with them. The ribbons I saved from Cheer camp from Sarah and my pompoms – through with them. The movie stubs and Grad Nite ticket I saved from the past years – down it floated into the pile that was my life. Everything I thought was important was no longer.
I threw on my sleep clothes, a long Navy t-shirt of my sisters that she gave me when she left. Essentially, it was a guilt gift. I paused and brought Eli’s shirt that I’d just taken off to my nose. It still smelled just like him and I held back the need to groan about it. I slipped under the covers, his shirt in between my fingers, and was already dreading school tomorrow. But right then, I was ready to close my eyes. Ready to see if Eli would still be there in the dark of my eyelids, waiting for me.
~ ~ ~
I was in the school parking lot. I had on my long t-shirt and nothing else and I looked around, but I was alone. I leaned against a car that had been left in the lot and for a second wondered if I had sleep walked over here and this was real, not what happened when I closed my eyes. Then I felt him. I turned my head to see him making his way to me. I wondered if things would be different between us now. He’d never kissed me in the dream-walk things before.
He answered me almost immediately.
He pulled me to him and pressed his lips to mine hungrily. I pulled him too so he’d lean with me against the car and he came willingly as he continued to kiss all the good sense out of me. Once again he pulled away too soon, it seemed, once I got worked up.
“I’m glad you came,” I said breathlessly.
“I couldn’t not come,” he answered. Then he lifted me to sit on the hood of the car as he came to stand between my knees. “You’re laying with my shirt,” he said knowingly and smirked.
“How do you know that?” I asked seriously.
“I know lots of things,” he said cryptically.
“Please, Eli. I am so confused. Is this real? Are you really here or am I just wishful thinking every night? How is this even possible?”
“I don’t want to mess things up, Clara,” he whispered and ran a hand absently down my arm.
“You won’t. I just want to know.”
He looked around, blowing an exasperated breath.
“Walk with me?”
“Are you going to answer my question?”
“Will it matter as to whether you walk with me or not?”
I huffed but smiled at him.
“You’re impossible.” I let him help me down and he took my hand. I felt completely comfortable, even though I was only in a long t-shirt. “Where are we going?”
“I thought I’d show you the park at night. It’s pretty amazing.”
“You hang out at the park at night?”
“Sometimes. I’m supposed to be...there’s things I’m supposed to be doing but I...I can’t anymore. So after I visit you, I go there,” he confessed.
“Eli, please,” I pulled him to stop in the middle of the streetlamp lit road. “You have to tell me what’s going on. Are you in some kinda trouble or something?”
“Sweet, Clara,” he said softly and touched my cheek, rubbing caresses with his thumb. “Are you going to save me if I am?”
“I’ll do anything I can,” I said and looked him right in the eye.
“There’s nothing you can do I’m afraid. But I love it that you’d try anyway,” he said and kissed me again, lingering.
Then he towed me to the swings, setting me in one and pushing me in a slow easy rhythm. We stayed there for a long time just like that, just being with each other. Sometimes we talked about school or things we liked but, mostly we just enjoyed each other’s space and time. I realized he was not going to answer my questions but I didn’t want to push. We lay in the grass and looked at the bugs buzzing and humming around the streetlamps for hours it seemed. At
the end of our time, he walked me home.
“If this is a dream or something, why does it matter where we end up? I’m still in my bed, aren’t I?”
“Yes, but I wouldn’t want you to think I wasn’t a gentleman. Besides, I’ve been dying to kiss you every time I drop you off on your doorstep.” I blushed and he smiled wider as he leaned in, pulling me up to meet his lips. It was easy and controlled. Then he leaned back and touched my bottom lip with his thumb. “By the way, what we’re doing is called a Reverie. It’s not a dream, because you’re still awake. That’s why I need to leave, so you can get some sleep. Goodnight. I’ll see you tomorrow, CB.”
I could only nod and touch my lips in wonder. Had it all been real? I felt a little insane but giddy too. It was official; I was crazy obsessed. I giggled as I made my way back to my room and saw myself laying there in the bed. That scene and the shock jolted me aware and I sat up in bed quickly, back in myself.