“What were you afraid of? That she’d hit you?”
“No,” Jenna said. “She did occasionally, but that was over before I had time to be afraid of it. It was scarier when she was scared.”
Danielle was lost in Jenna’s green eyes. They seemed a shade deeper in the dim light and they were swirling with the past.
“What was she afraid of?”
“She thinks people are after her. She used to think someone was trying to shoot her pretty often. Lots of ducking. When you’re a kid you don’t really know any better. You end up in the delusion too.”
“That’s awful.”
“We didn’t really know what we were looking for or running from. We just knew whoever they were, they wanted to kill us. I actually liked it better when we were on the lookout, checking the peephole or the blinds. It felt like we were all together doing something. When it really got bad she couldn’t even do that. She’d just cower in the corner, talking to herself. She stopped making sense. Word salad, they call it. Words out of order. Impossible to follow. She wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t bathe, wouldn’t leave the house for weeks. We’d run out of food. That was the worst of it, watching this woman who was your world, your protector, completely fall apart. That’s when I really felt unsafe.”
Danielle melted watching Jenna wrap her arms around her own shoulders, like she was hugging the scared child she used to be.
“I don’t understand how CPS didn’t take you away.”
Jenna scoffed. “Our caseworker was a joke. She didn’t care. Just there to collect a paycheck. She’s the reason I wanted to be a social worker.”
“You knew you could do it better?”
“Exactly. She wanted to remove us, but she thought that was the end of her job. She didn’t want to talk through it with me, so I just lied. I knew how to bullshit. Callie and I would clean the house. We’d shoplift some food, set up the table with our homework like we were all doing just great.”
“But…” Danielle paused, trying to figure out how to phrase it. “But if your mom was so ill, why didn’t you want to be removed? Wouldn’t it have been better for all of you?”
Jenna sighed. “Yes,” she said. “It would have been, but at the time all I knew was I didn’t want to be separated from my sister. I didn’t even want to be separated from my mom. Maybe if the caseworker had actually taken the time to explain that they could try to keep us together, that my mom would be able to try to get us back once she was stable again, maybe I would have felt differently, but we’ll never know. At the time it was just us against her. She never gave me a chance to get to know or trust her, so all I had to go on was what my mom said about them.”
“And she hated them.”
“Of course.”
Danielle grabbed the next file, the Clark file. She flipped it open, and the first picture was of Deon with his shirt off. He was emaciated to the point he barely looked like himself. Danielle felt her breath catch, and she quickly closed the file.
“That was the day I met him,” Jenna said.
Danielle was shaken. She hadn’t expected the difference in impact that knowing Deon made. “I…” she paused, feeling tears coming on. “How did they not get taken away that day?”
“They did,” Jenna said. “Temporarily. They stayed with their aunt while Ladona got treatment. They went back when she stabilized. Deon and his aunt had a lot of issues while they were over there. It’s why she’ll only take Raylon if they’re removed again.”
“How the system could give them back to that monster is beyond me,” Danielle said. As soon as the words left her mouth she saw Jenna pull away.
“She’s not a monster,” Jenna said. “She loves her kids. She’s sick. When she’s medicated she’s a capable mother doing her best with some hard circumstances.”
“Like your mother?” Danielle knew she was on dangerous ground, but she couldn’t seem to stop talking. The image of Deon was too haunting.
“Yes,” Jenna said. “Exactly like my mother.”
“But your mom isn’t capable, Jenna. She wasn’t then, and she isn’t now. She hit you just last week. Medication doesn’t fix everything.”
Jenna snatched the file out of Danielle’s hand. “You don’t know anything about my mother. You’ve never even met her.”
“I know she hits you, and your sister is afraid to leave the house because half her face is burned off.”
Jenna slammed Deon’s file on top of the others, then picked up the entire stack and stood. Danielle closed her eyes and stood up.
“Jenna, I’m sorry. I’m trying to understand. It’s just—”
“No, you’re not. You make your decisions with half the information. You thought I should take Deon and Raylon away before you ever saw this.”
“Yeah, and this makes it worse!”
“You know what doesn’t fix everything, Danielle? Foster care. Half those people are pedophiles and the other half just want to collect a check. Ladona has problems, big ones, but she loves them, and she’s family. I don’t pull kids out of everything they know on blind faith they’re going to something better. And as far as my mom…” Jenna looked like she might cry, but then she hardened so fast Danielle wasn’t sure she’d actually seen it. “I trust you with a couple of stories and you think that’s grounds to make assumptions about what a monster she is?”
“Jenna, I didn’t—”
“I love my mom, okay? And she’s not responsible for Callie’s burns. I am.”
Jenna stormed out and slammed the door before Danielle could put a sentence together.
Chapter Twenty-five
Jenna was still shaking with anger when she made it to her car. She threw her files in the passenger seat and tore out of the parking lot. She only made it a few blocks before the anger subsided, and tears took its place. She pulled over and let them break free.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d shared the details of her life with anyone. The fear of judgment had always paralyzed her. Being judged personally, but also her mom and sister. Opening up to Danielle only to find all her worst fears realized was more painful than she’d even guessed it would be. Maybe it was unreasonable to expect anything else. Maybe everyone would always judge her because she was wrong. She hurt Callie, and no amount of remembering she was a kid at the time or that the caseworker should have done things differently made the guilt of that easier to bear.
Her phone lit up with Danielle’s name, but she couldn’t bring herself to answer. She drove home, but when she got there she stayed in the car. She didn’t want to see her family, couldn’t stand the evidence of her failures screaming in her face. Her phone lit up again. Jenna stared at Danielle’s name. Danielle. How had she gotten under her skin so completely, so fast? She’d been ready to accept a transfer or even give up her job for Danielle. Maybe she’d come to that decision too hastily. She hadn’t even managed to tell Danielle before everything had fallen to pieces. Even as her mind started rewriting her answer to Paula, she ached for Danielle’s arms around her. And even as she pictured going back, she still wanted to scream at her. Jenna reclined her seat and closed her eyes, falling through the waters of sadness.
* * *
Jenna stirred as the chime of her phone sounded. She slowly came out of the disorientation, realizing she was in her car. She’d fallen asleep parked in the driveway. She adjusted her seat upright and stretched, then checked the time. It was only six in the morning. She had three missed calls and a voice mail, all from Danielle. A mixture of warmth and dread made her stomach plummet.
She’d been too harsh. Danielle only reacted to what was a very disturbing photo, and Jenna hadn’t given her the time or freedom to go through those emotions. And then she disappeared. She left Danielle to think, well, to think anything. To think it was over, probably.
Jenna put her phone to her ear and listened to the voice mail. Danielle’s apology was simple and accompanied by a request for a call. Basic, but her voice was obviously trembling. Jenna c
alled Danielle back, but it went to voice mail. Her stomach twisted. She overreacted, and now the tables had turned. Without taking another second to think, she started her car and drove back to Danielle’s.
She ran up the stairs of the apartment complex and knocked on the door. Her heart pounded as she waited for an answer. She jolted, then breathed in relief when the lock turned with a clunk, but it was Brianna who filled the frame when the door swung open. Her eyelids were heavy, and she swayed like she was still drunk from the night before.
“Hey,” Jenna said into the dark apartment.
“Hello again.” Brianna appeared to wake up the rest of the way as she said it.
“Can I come in?” Jenna asked. “Or could you maybe tell Danielle I’m here? I don’t want to intrude.”
“Danielle isn’t here.”
“What?”
“She left about an hour ago.”
“At five in the morning?”
“Yep. A little strange,” Brianna agreed, shrugging. “Seemed kind of upset. She goes to the gym sometimes when she’s like that. You guys done already?”
“No,” Jenna said. “I mean, I hope not.”
Brianna clicked her tongue. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“It was just a little disagreement.”
“Ah, well, it’s probably for the best.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve been talking about committing for a while now. This probably simplifies things for her. I think she might have been a little torn.”
Jenna felt the color draining from her face. Her palms were sweating but numb, a sensation she’d never felt before.
“I don’t take it personally,” Brianna said. “I can see why. You’re beautiful and smart and everything. But Danielle and I have history.”
“What do you mean, history?”
Brianna’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Oh, shit,” she said. “She didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
Brianna scratched the back of her neck. “I probably shouldn’t be the one—”
“It’s a bit late for that.”
“We used to be a couple. I thought you knew. It’s been a lot more casual than that for a while now, just a night here and there, but we’ve been tossing around the idea of being exclusive again.”
Jenna narrowed her eyes. “I don’t believe you.”
“Okay.” Brianna scoffed. “Did you notice that ring she’s been wearing all of a sudden? I gave it to her.”
Jenna felt fumes gathering her chest. She could barely breathe. She wanted to shove her way inside and talk to Danielle, but she knew she wasn’t there. That much felt true.
“Oh jeez, you still don’t believe me,” Brianna said. She leaned close to Jenna’s ear and mimicked the sound of Danielle’s orgasm. Shock rattled through her, and she shoved Brianna away, knocking her a good three paces back. Brianna just laughed as her jostled red locks settled again.
“I wanted to try for a threesome with you that night we all went out, but she didn’t think you’d go for it. I think it was a little greedy of her to keep you all to herself, but at least she got you out of her system.”
“Fuck you.”
The door slammed the second she turned her back.
Chapter Twenty-six
Danielle couldn’t figure Jenna out. She tried to call Jenna repeatedly from the moment she left the apartment, but hadn’t gotten through. When she saw the missed call from her and heard from Brianna that she stopped by, she assumed Jenna must be ready to talk, but then she disappeared again. The silence that stretched across the rest of the weekend was agonizing. Danielle had never been more eager to go to work in her life, knowing she would finally run into Jenna whether she liked it or not.
She pulled into the lot early, grateful to see Jenna’s car already there. She nearly jumped out of the driver’s seat and power walked inside. The halls were empty, and Danielle had the bizarre thought pop into her head that Jenna might have spent the night here. When she made it to Jenna’s office, the door was cracked open and Jenna’s back was turned as she looked out the window.
“Hey,” Danielle said. Jenna spun. She was in crisp, pressed clothes as usual that had been tailored to her perfect form. Her hair fell in their natural, loose curls, which Danielle loved, but probably meant Jenna hadn’t been able to summon the effort to straighten them. Danielle could tell she’d been crying. Her heart ached knowing she’d caused those tears. She’d overstepped in her reaction to the pictures of Deon.
“Hey,” Jenna said. Danielle’s stomach twisted at the hollowness in Jenna’s voice. She didn’t know why she expected a warm greeting. Jenna was ignoring her calls. She didn’t want to see her, wouldn’t see her if she didn’t have to. If they didn’t work together would it be over just like that?
“Jenna, I’m really sorry,” Danielle said. “Can I please come in? Can I talk to you?”
“If you want.” Jenna walked toward her desk. She sat on the corner and looked at Danielle expectantly.
“Brianna told me you came by. I thought maybe you wanted to…” Danielle stopped, unsure how to finish.
“I’m surprised she told you.”
“What? Why?”
Jenna scoffed and looked at the opposite wall. “She wants you for herself.”
Danielle stepped the rest of the way into the office and sat in the chair in front of Jenna, letting her elbows rest on her knees as she leaned toward her. “What are you talking about?”
“Please don’t act clueless,” Jenna said. “It’ll only make it worse.”
Danielle felt physically pushed back by the words. What in the hell had Brianna said? Jenna’s stare was burning into her, and she knew she had to answer, but she felt no answer would be right.
“She tried something recently,” Danielle said. “But it was stupid, Jenna. Nothing happened. She was just drunk. She didn’t mean it.”
“She meant it,” Jenna said. “And according to her, you’re interested.”
“What?” Danielle felt anger burning through her. “She said that?”
Jenna just nodded. It felt like she was a million miles away. Danielle wanted to reach out and touch her, to fix it, to pull her back, but she wasn’t welcome to do so.
“Jenna, that’s complete bullshit. I’m not interested in her. She’s just attention seeking. She says and does crazy things when she’s drunk. You can’t take her seriously.”
“Is that how you talk to her about me? I’m crazy? It’s nothing?”
Danielle stood up, pushing the chair away with the back of her knees, fuming.
“Of course not. I told you Brianna is an alcoholic. I told you she was going to act crazy if we went over there, and now you’ve seen her pull one of her stunts. Don’t let her bullshit get to you. Don’t let it screw us up.” Danielle walked over to the corner of the desk and touched Jenna’s face, searching for some sign of affection beneath her anger and suspicion. Jenna endured the touch for a few seconds, but stayed shut to Danielle, and she pulled her hand softly away, letting it land on her knee.
“That’s a nice ring,” she said. “New?”
Danielle was disoriented by the subject change. “What? Yes. Jenna, please look at me.”
Jenna looked up, her eyes glimmering with the battle between tears and glass.
“Do you really think I’d do that to you?”
Jenna shrugged, and Danielle could feel a crack forming in her heart. “We didn’t talk about being exclusive,” Jenna said. “I guess I assumed we were, but I can’t say it’s insane to me that you might be interested in Brianna. She’s pretty. You live together. You’re obviously close. Just because I thought we were on our way to something doesn’t mean you did.”
“But I did, Jenna. Please hear me. Brianna just has a certain number of drinks and she starts acting—”
“It wasn’t drunken babbling, Danielle. She said things. She knew things.”
“What things?”
Voices in th
e hall made them both pause. Danielle turned to close the door.
“Don’t,” Jenna said.
“Jenna—”
“Paula talked to me Friday. Someone told her about us. We can’t be in here together with the door closed.”
“What? How?” Danielle spun. “Who?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you kidding me? When were you going to tell me?”
“I meant to Friday night. Remember I said I had something to tell you? But things went off the tracks.”
“Is that why you’re doing this? You want out, but it’s easier for you if you tell yourself I was cheating on you?”
“Actually, I was going to put in for a transfer so we can be together.”
“Oh.” Danielle’s head was spinning. “That’s great, if you’re sure.”
“I’m not sure, Danielle. How could I be sure right now? I have to tell Paula something today, and I have no idea what to do anymore. Brianna tells me one thing; you tell me something else.”
“How could you believe her over me?” Danielle fought the lump in her throat. She refused to get dramatic.
“I won’t,” Jenna said. “I’m going to ask you something, and I’m going to believe what you tell me. But, Danielle, I love my job, okay? I love my friends. I care about my cases. Nashville is three hours away. I’ll have to move somewhere between here and there to make it all work. I’ll do all that. I’ll transfer, and I’ll be happy with it if we’re for real, but if I throw this away and I find out you were playing me I will never forgive you.”
“I swear—”
“How does Brianna know what you sound like when you come?”
Danielle felt like she’d been slapped in the face. The edges of her vision seemed to close and tunnel. She could lie. She could say they were roommates, that Brianna had overheard her with someone in the past. She had the distinct feeling it was the only way she could win Jenna back, but it wasn’t the truth, and she’d already hidden it too long. She sighed.
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