I remember always waiting for my mother to put the brush down and wrap her tiny, bony hands around my throat. I remember thinking her gross, bony hands would slowly work their way around my throat, gently closing, tighter and tighter, until I stopped breathing altogether.
Sometimes, I just hoped I would stop breathing, so I wasn't afraid anymore. But I never stopped breathing, and I've never stopped being afraid of her.
I don't know why I remember my mother always liked brushing my hair. It's so strange to remember now but after our baths together she would dress me quickly so she could begin brushing my hair dry. I think that was the only time my mother seemed kind of nice to me. Well, as long as I didn't look at her awful skeleton hands, she seemed kind of nice to me.
But the rest of the time my mother was just a mean little girl-sized skeleton, whose hands looked like they wanted to wrap slowly around my throat, gently closing, tighter and tighter until I stopped breathing finally.
I wonder why I don't hear her in my dream. Has she finally stopped looking for me?
*****
“Suzanne, it’s Z. Can you hear me, love? Can you open your eyes for me, please? I'm so desperate to see your eyes on me. God, Suzanne, I miss you so much. Can you please wake up for me now? I know you're here and I know you're coming back to me, but could you please try to come back now, Suzanne? Could you please try to wake up for me?”
I don't know this man. And he's not the same man as before- the Mack. I know I don't know this man. How does he know me? Oh, shit! Am I still sleeping?
“Suzanne, New York Kayla is going to be here any minute now and she's feisty as hell today. Do you really want to piss off your New York Kayla? Come on Suzanne. It's time.”
Time for what? Who are these people? Where's Marcus?
“Suzanne, I can't stay here much longer today but I'd really like you to wake up for me now. We have so much to talk about. We have so many things to discuss, and I can't do anything if you don't wake up for me. Open your eyes, love. Mack is here with you and New York Kayla is coming soon, and we all just want you to wake up so we can talk to you. Please, love? Please wake up for me.”
I don't know you, and I don't think I can wake up. Where's Marcus?
“Suzanne, it’s Z. I'm still here with you. I've been here every day, waiting for you to come back to me. I've left New York and I'm waiting here for you. We're all waiting for you, love. Could you please wake up now?”
Who's waiting? Where's Marcus?
“Suzanne, I love you so much and I'm so sad without you. Everything just hurts so badly without you, and I'm so tired of living like this. I'll wait forever if I have to, but I'm begging you, Suzanne- I need you to wake up for me. I know you're coming back, Mack told me, but could you please hurry up, love? Please, Suzanne... I'm so lost,” he moans.
Wow. This is so weird. I have NO idea who this guy is, but his sadness is like, on my skin and inside me or something. It's like I can feel his words when he speaks them. His words wash all over my skin, and they make me feel sad for him. His voice is so dark, and his words are so sad, and I feel terrible for him.
“Z, I'll stay with her, but you really have to go now.”
“I know, Mack. I'll just stay a few more minutes with her.”
“Z. You have to go now. If you're caught here, it may be another setback for me.”
“Mack, please. I just need a few more minutes with her.”
“Z- I know you're desperate to stay with her but this is going to only hurt the situation. Please leave for now. Go back to your apartment and call me from there.”
“Mack, I can't leave her today. I just can't. Today feels… different.”
Oh, wow. Is this guy crying?
“Listen to me Z. Z! Look at me. I'll care for her, but you have to leave now. You have to. I'll care for Suzanne and I won't leave her today, I promise. But please, for Suzanne's sake, get out of here now. If Marcus sees you I don't know if I can change his mind.”. Marcus?!
“Okay. I'm sorry.”
“Z, you never have to be sorry. I know how much you love her, and I know how desperate you are to care for her. If I could, I would place her in your care, believe me I would. But I can't. So I'm asking you to leave FOR Suzanne, just for now. Just for today.”
He loves me? Am I HER? Who the hell IS he?
“I know… I'm leaving. It just hurts so bad some days, and there's never any time. I never have the time-”
“Z, I want you to call my cell the minute you leave here. I'll place my cell on speakerphone beside Suzanne, okay? You can talk to her when we're in the clear, okay? Please leave now, but call me soon. I'll be waiting for your call.”
“Okay. Bye, Suzanne. I'll be back as soon as I can. I love you, sweetheart. Please wake up soon. Please, love.”
When there is only silence, I feel myself falling again. I can't stand this feeling. I think I'm awake, but I'm totally asleep too. This is such a strange, like, suspended feeling. My body doesn't really feel anything at all, and my head kind of hears these people, but I don't know what I'm listening to. I can't actually understand them at all.
I feel like I'm watching a movie with the sound down low, but with my eyes wide open. When these people talk I hear bits of what they're saying, but I can't make out the whole conversation so I can't understand them.
Maybe if I could see them, I would know what they're saying. Maybe if I could see their faces, I would know who they are and what they want from me. Maybe... But I just don't know how to wake up.
CHAPTER 5
“Hi Marcus. Have you been here long?”
Marcus! Marcus is here?
“Hey, Kayla. No, I've only been here a few minutes. Mack just left to give me a little privacy with her. How was your flight?”
“Good. My flight was good, Marcus.”
“That's good.”
This is kind of weird. Marcus sounds the same but different. I wish I could ask him what the hell is going on. Where are my parents? I don't think I've heard my mother at all.
“Kayla, please don't look at me like that. I know you hate me. I know everyone hates me. I know Mack hates me, and the other Kayla hates me. And I know HE hates me. I know it, but I can't change that. I WON'T change that.”
Marcus? Why would anyone hate Marcus? He's Marcus.
“I actually don't hate you, Marcus. I just hate what you've done, though sadly, I can almost understand it. I know you love Suzanne, but what you’re doing is wrong. You're lying to everyone Marcus, and you're lying to yourself the most.”
Holy shit! What's he done?
“It's NOT a lie, Kayla. Suzanne loves me, she told me. I know she loves me. She told me she loves me, and I know she does.”
“Marcus, Suzanne DOES love you, but not like that. Not anymore.”
“Yes, she does. You don't know Suzanne...”
“Actually, I-”
“NO YOU DON'T! I know Suzanne, and I know what she wants and needs. You have only known her a couple months, but I've known her forever. And she's my wife!”
“I've known Suzanne at her worst, which translates into years, Marcus.”
Who the hell are you? Why are you talking to my husband like that? I wish I could yell at this woman because she doesn't know me, but Marcus does! He's right. He knows me more than anyone does.
“Kayla, I have known and loved Suzanne for 2 lifetimes. I know when she's messed up, and I know when she's happy. Suzanne has been the only person I've ever truly known and loved my whole life, and I know she would want this. I know she would want me to do this. She told me once.”
“Marcus, you're wrong. Please... please just listen to me for a minute.”
“I can't.”
“Marcus, I'm begging you to just hear me out.”
“It's all the same, Kayla. Every one of you say the same things over and over again. It never changes, but I want it to change. I know what she wants; she told me a long time ago what she wanted. I know Suzanne. And I know what I have to
do.”
Wow! I think Marcus is crying.
“Please, Marcus. Please, listen to me.”
Holy SHIT! I think this woman is crying too. What the hell is going on? Why does everyone cry all the time?
“Talk Kayla. Go ahead. Get it off your chest.”
“Marcus, please don't kill Suzanne.” WHAT?!
“Wow. That was a low blow, Kayla. Even for you.”
“It's not a low blow. That's what you're doing. You're killing her.”
“I am NOT killing her. She's gone. She's not here anymore. This is not HER! You KNOW that!”
“I don't know that and neither do you. Mack showed you the MRI results and the head Neurologist showed you the latest scans and the latest test results. And Dr. Carmilia showed you the newest assessment of her changes. Everyone sees the change but you. Suzanne has more brain function and she’s been reacting to some stimuli. She even had a physical reaction when Kayla was trying to provoke her yesterday. Suzanne is here. She’s just not here fully. YET.”
“Suzanne is gone...” Marcus moans.
No, I'm not! I'm here, Marcus! I'm right here, SLEEPING!
“She is NOT gone- I know it. Please Marcus. It doesn't cost you anything to keep her here. There is no burden to you financially, or otherwise-”
“Fuck YOU, Kayla! You think it's the money? It's not even MY money. I have my own money.”
“No. I don't think it’s the money. I'm just trying to say, that there’s no cost to you to wait-”
“No cost? Are you fucking blind? This whole thing is a cost to me. I have to stare at my dead wife, waiting every day for her to finally die. I have to wait and wait. There is no forward and there is NO back. I have to wait, but she just won't die! She's gone, but she just won't LEAVE!”
NO! I'm not gone. I'm here! I'm totally here! Shit! Oh god, I need to wake up from this sleep.
“Marcus, you can walk away and I'll take care of her. I'll care for her and I'll wait for her to wake up.”
“She's not going to wake up. Are you delusional or something?! Look at her, Kayla. Look hard! She's all fucked up, and awful, and DEAD!”
I'm not! I'm NOT dead! SHIT! Oh, god… What do I do?!
“She IS all fucked up, and awful- But she's NOT dead. She's NOT! Look at her right now. Look at the increase in her heart rate, even in this moment as we speak. She is here. LOOK!”
Awful? Fucked up? What are they talking about? I'm just asleep. That's all. Why am I awful and fucked up? Why would Marcus say that? That’s so mean, and Marcus isn't usually mean. Marcus didn't think I was awful and fucked up before. What The Hell Is Happening?!
“Kayla, I don't want to talk about this anymore. It is going to happen. It’s decided. I won and next Friday it's going to happen. Suzanne is gone, and I'm really tired of talking about this with everyone.”
“Marcus, you can walk away. You can leave and pretend she's dead. You CAN move on. I promise I'll take good care of her, and I will. I'll keep her away from Mack, or anyone else you choose, but please, please let me care for her. Please, let me keep Suzanne.”
Silence.
Oh my god. I can't even understand what's happening here. What do they mean? Who is this lady, and why doesn't Marcus want me anymore? Why is he going to kill me? How is he going to kill me? Oh my god. What the hell is happening?
“Marcus, Suzanne's grandfather is starting the second round of appeals. This isn't over yet. I know you want it over, but I can't really understand you anymore. I don't know why you want to rush this. Why are you rushing this when you can walk away? You can wash your hands of all this and walk away. I've given you your out, so why won't you take it? Why won't you just walk away?”
“I... can't.”
Yes, Marcus! Just walk away. Leave me alone!
“Marcus, why can't you?”
“I can't… because... I still love her. Even after everything she's done to me, I, ah, still love her.”
What did I do? What the hell did I do? How is he going to kill me?
“Suzanne never meant to hurt you, she-”
“But she did.”
“I know she did. But Marcus, you know she tried. You know she tried to be your wife again. She tried so hard, but she couldn't try anymore. She didn't want that for herself but more importantly, she didn't want that for you.”
“That's a lie, Kayla. It wasn't about me; it was about Suzanne wanting someone else.” What?!
“Marcus, THAT'S not true. Suzanne didn't want someone else- she wanted a different life. But she DID try. She tried so hard to be with you. She tried to fulfill the fantasy for you. Suzanne was heartbroken over hurting you. She NEVER wanted to hurt you. She didn't want to hurt anyone, but especially you.”
“But she did.”
How? What did I do?
“Yes, she did hurt you. Is that why you want her dead now?”. WHAT?!
“Oh, god... How could you think that?”
“I don't know you Marcus, so I have to ask. Are you sure you really want to just let Suzanne go, or do you want to maybe hurt her? Even just a little? Um, maybe you want your revenge this way?”
What revenge? Oh my god. What did I do to Marcus?
“I don't want revenge anymore. I WAS angry before. God, I was so pissed off at her for so long. I felt betrayed and embarrassed by what she did. I stood by her for so long, for so many years, I can’t even count them. I was her first boyfriend, her husband, and then her first lover. I tried so hard for so long to love her like she needed, but it was always so hard with her. Everything with Suzanne is just so hard all the time. Being with Suzanne is just exhausting.”
“I know. Loving Suzanne is awful- I DO know that. I'm exhausted by her- by loving her, and I haven't had even a tenth of the time you have with her. But you can let go now. You can be free of Suzanne. I'm giving you the choice Suzanne doesn't have.”
“That's what I'm doing.”
“Are you?”
“No! Not like that- That's not what I meant. I just mean, she's gone now so I'm going to let her go. I'm going to let her body go, like she wants. She told me.”
“But I want to keep her for a little while longer. I'll take care of her, I promise. Can I have her, Marcus?”
“No. Suzanne is mine. She's MY wife. Suzanne is still mine for now, and I'll take care of her to the end.”
“Marcus, please... Suzanne isn't yours anymore. You KNOW that. We have the letter. We know she left you. YOU know she left you. Marcus, just let her go so you can be free of all this, and I'll take good care of her. I love her, and I’m a nurse, so I'll take good care of her until she wakes up, I promise.”
“She's not going to wake up this time, she's-”
“Yes, she is.”
“I don't want to talk about this anymore. I would really like you to leave now. Please leave, um, before I ask Security to make you leave.”
“Marcus-”
“No. It's done, Kayla. Please get out of this room. Please leave now.”
“Marcus, I just want to talk with you a little-”
“Mack has already spoken with me and I know how the rest of you feel, but it's my decision. It's my choice because I'm her husband, and it's done.”
“Marcus, you may legally be her husband, but you're not-”
“I AM her husband. Even the Judge said I was. So please leave.”
“Can I just talk to Suzanne a little?”
“NOW, Kayla. Get out of here NOW! You aren't going to stop this. So get the fuck away from me, right now! I want to spend a little time with my wife. Alone.”
“Okay, I'll leave but please calm down. I'm going to go but I'll talk to you later?”
“It doesn't matter anymore Kayla. I don't care if I ever see any of you people again. Nothing would have ever happened if Suzanne hadn't met any of you people. Nothing would have changed for us. Nothing!”
“Marcus, I-”
“Get out Kayla. Now.”
“Okay...”
As my dream is
bathed in silence, I feel like I can finally exhale. What did I do? I can't think of anything I did to make Marcus want to hurt me. I did everything right, or at least I tried really hard to do everything right. I always tried so hard to be good for Marcus. What the hell did I do wrong? How is he going to let me go?
“Suzanne, I love you. I really do love you, you know? Please don't listen to them. And please don't listen to their lies. I’m not doing this to hurt you; I'm doing this FOR you.”
When there is silence again, I think Marcus has left. God, I desperately want to talk to him, because everything around me is so confusing all the time.
“I know what you did, and I know what you've done, but I'm not angry anymore. I'm really not. I love you Suzanne, so I'm doing this for you. They don't know you, but I do. I know what you want because we talked about it before. We talked about all the things we would and wouldn't do for each other. We talked about when you wanted me to help you and when you wanted me to let you go. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm letting you go now.”
When I hear Marcus start crying, I feel devastated for him. Marcus doesn't cry, and Marcus isn't mean. He's a bit of an ass, but he's never really mean. I wish I could wake up and tell him it's going to be alright. I wish I could tell him I trust him. I know he's doing the right thing, because I know he isn't mean. I know it.
“Suzanne, loving you has been the greatest burden of my life.” What?! “Loving you has been hell. I have loved you and hated you from the moment I met you, but I've always loved you more. I loved you even when it hurt to just look at you. I've loved you even when you hurt me so badly, I cried from the pain...
“But I always believed in the dream, you know? Even when things were really bad. Even when you were really bad, I always believed you and I would be okay. I believed in you, even when I should have stopped believing in you a long time ago. And now look what you've done.”
This Is Me... Page 3