“Suzanne, we're friends. I'm your very good friend Kayla Rinaldi, and I love you very much. We've known each other for a while now, and we're very close friends. Do you remember me? Do you remember Mack, and Chicago Kayla, and Z? Do you remember Marcus?” Oh!
“Where's my husband?” I kind of groan. God, my throat really is on fire.
“Marcus? Um, he's tied up at the moment. He'll be here shortly though, I'm sure. Ah, do you remember me and Mack, and Kayla? Do you remember Z?”
Isn't she Kayla? I swear she said her name was Kayla. What the hell is going on here? But before I can ask her the door pushes open and interrupts us. Turning my head slowly, I see 2 men walk into my room. Holy shit! 2 men!
“Suzanne...”
I can't help my flinch. Why am I so scared suddenly? What's happening?
“Suzanne you're safe, I promise. No one will hurt you here. These doctors just need to examine you and talk to you. You've been asleep for a long time, and they have to check you out a little.”
Panicking, I quietly beg, “Please don't leave me with them. Please...”
Oh god, I can't be alone with 2 men. Why am I so scared? Shaking, I hear my teeth chatter as nausea overwhelms me. Suddenly throwing up all over myself, I can’t help it. I wasn’t able to move my body very well. But as I start panicking again at my slow movement the woman reaches for me in a tight hug.
“Suzanne, look at me. You're okay. You're safe, I promise. I'll stay here with you if you want, and Mack will be here soon. These doctors won't hurt you. They just need to run some tests, and they need to talk to you a little. I'll stay right here though if you want, I promise. Suzanne, you’re okay.”
When the woman takes my hand and rubs my back with her other hand things suddenly feel a little better. Breathing slowly, my chest isn’t as tight as it was. Closing my eyes, I even feel a little better as she holds my hand.
When I open my eyes 2 women have joined the men. Oh, thank god.
“Suzanne, please stay with us. This is Dr. Cobb and Dr. Robinson, and they've been watching over you while you slept. They won't hurt you, I promise. No one will.”
Opening my eyes, one man is leaning close to me with something in his hand. Oh god! Flinching, I close my eyes again. I can't do this! They can't do this! Why is this happening?
There's something wrong but I don't know what it is. I don't know what's wrong, but I hate it! I can feel something is wrong and I can't do this!
Please fall asleep. Please… I just need to sleep again. I don't want to know this. I don't want to feel this. I don't want any of this anymore.
“Suzanne!”
I can't stop this. I can't talk to her and I can't talk to them. My body is shaking, and I hear the voices all around me, but I can't do this. There is so much noise and movement all around me. Oh, god… I think people are touching me.
I swear I hear my name again through the noise. I know she's yelling to get my attention, but I can't do this. I won't do this!
“NO!” I shriek as loud as I can even as my throat screams in agony. I think I must have torn my throat wide open. Maybe they cut my throat open. Maybe they squeezed my throat for the last time.
I don't know what to do anymore. Shaking and gasping, I try to ignore them. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to feel this. Oh my god!! They're going to kill me again.
After a last thought of death, I feel myself falling.
I know I'm falling far away. I just need to sleep away this death. I need to sleep through this fear, and then it will finally be over. I need to sleep away this life again.
CHAPTER 9
“Suzanne, its Mack. I'm here, Suzanne. I'm here with you in the hospital. You can open your eyes now. I know you're awake and I know you woke up a few minutes ago. Come on, Suzanne, wake back up for me.”
I really don't want to. Waking up was so loud. There was all that noise and yelling and struggling, and just stuff going on around me. I don't want to wake up again. I think I prefer the never-ending dream I was in.
“Suzanne, I know you're awake and just faking sleep. I can tell- I've watched you sleep far too many times to not know when you're faking it.” Wow. That sounds creepy. “Why don't you want to wake up now? You are completely safe with me and I need to talk to you. We're alone, and I really, really want to talk to you for a minute. Please, Suzanne.”
Ugh. This is so annoying. Nobody shuts up around here. They all just talk and talk. Shit. Hasn't anyone heard of, like, meditation or something? Just sit quietly and shut the hell up for a minute. It's like they can't deal with quiet. Well I can. I love quiet. Quiet lets me know I'm safe. What?!
Opening my eyes, I'm nearly blinded by the light again. Everything is just so bright and blurry suddenly. I don't remember this from last time I woke up. Hey! Where's Marcus?
“Marcus?”
“Ah, no. Marcus had to leave for a little while. I'm sure he'll be back soon though. I know he really wants to see you, so I'm sure he'll be back soon.”
Turning, I'm curious about the voice I keep hearing.
Oh! He doesn't look like I thought he would. This man’s voice is so nice sounding. His voice is very calm and soothing, almost soft-like. I thought he would be short and round with glasses maybe. I don't know. He doesn't sound at all like he looks though.
Smiling at me, the man takes my hand into his own, but I really want out of his grasp. Trying to pull away, I try until I see his frown. This guy is very good looking. He's very attractive, and I feel very uncomfortable holding his hand. Why won’t he let go?
Pulling away from him again, the man finally let’s me free. Slowly sliding my hand across the bed feels like it takes me a lifetime, but finally, my hand is just mine. Finally, I'm not being touched.
“Welcome back, Suzanne. It's so good to see you awake. I've been waiting for-freakin-ever for you to wake up,” he grins.
“Oh, okay. Sorry, sir.” When he frowns again, I realize I've said something wrong. “Um, sorry to make you wait, sir.”
“Mack.”
“Oh, okay. Are you a doctor?”
Dammit, now he looks all he all stressed again. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but I'm really trying here, and he looks like everything I say is the wrong thing. I should probably stop talking now because silence is always safer for me anyway.
“Suzanne, do you remember me? I'm Mack. Do you remember me as your doctor, Mack?”
“No, I'm sorry sir. How long have you been my doctor?”
As he lets out a hard exhale, I feel like I'm in trouble. Ugh, what do I say now?
“You’re safe, Suzanne. I'm not mad at you, and you're doing nothing wrong. I'm just a little surprised that you don't remember me. We're very close friends, you and I.”
“I thought you were the doctor?”
“I am YOUR doctor, but I'm also a close personal friend of yours. I've been waiting for you to wake up, and I thought you would remember me.”
Looking hard at him, I try to remember. He is very handsome. He's dark haired with lovely eyes, hazel greenish-brown I think. He has a warm smile and he doesn't look mean at all. I wish I could remember him because he looks like a nice person to know.
“I'm sorry...” I mumble shaking my head.
“That's alright, Suzanne. There’s no need to apologize. You’ve just woken up, so you probably need a little time for the memories to come back to you.”
“Um, okay. Sorry that I don't remember you.”
“Please, Suzanne, don't apologize. Everything is going to be alright, and you're going to get better. I'm sure your memory will return to you shortly. We'll just talk a little, and see what you do remember. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure. But where's Marcus? Is he here?”
When the doctor looks all confused again and kind of mad at me, I'm scared that I'm making him angry with me. Shaking his head slightly, he puts on a horribly fake smile, and lies to me. Somehow, I can tell. I'm not sure how I can tell, but I totally can.
; “Marcus was here earlier, but he had to leave for a little while. I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he can though. Do you remember seeing him when you woke up?”
“No. He was here? Why did he leave me when I woke up?”
Smiling, the doctor says, “Marcus was overwhelmed when you finally woke up, so he just needed some time to collect himself. Everything's fine though. I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he can.”
I don't know what’s happening here. Why would Marcus want me awake, but then leave when I wake up? That doesn't make any sense.
“Was he mad at me?” I whisper.
“No. Not at all, Suzanne. Marcus was just emotional when you woke up. You've been asleep for quite a while now, and I’m sure he didn’t think you would wake up today, so he was a little shocked, that's all.”
“Why was I sleeping? I remember dreaming forever. It was the longest night of my life, I think. Oh! Where am I?”
“You're in a hospital in Chicago, where you've been asleep for some time. Everything's going to be fine though. You're well, and you should recover fully.”
“Recover from what? Why was I asleep?”
Okay, that totally sounded like I was slurring my words or something. I heard that. I was all slurry and sleepy sounding. It's like I'm drunk but not really. Weird. Maybe I'm just hearing myself oddly, like you do on an answering machine or something. You know, you hear your voice but it doesn’t sound like your voice, or… oh!
This is very strange for me. I know there's more going on- I know it. I don't feel like I was asleep but I DO remember dreaming, which means I must have been asleep, right? God, this is so confusing, and I already feel really exhausted again.
“Are you feeling tired? You seem to be having a hard time speaking at the moment. Would you like to have a little rest? I could come back in an hour or so, and we could talk more then, if you'd like.”
“Okay, thank you, um, Doctor.” Shit! What was his name?
“I'm Mack. Your doctor and friend Mack. Remember what I told you, Suzanne? Do you remember me telling you my name a few minutes ago? Do you remember me telling you I'm Mack?”
“Yes, of course. Um, do I call you Mack? Or Dr. Mack? Is that your last name? I'm sorry; I don't want to be rude to you. What would you like me to call you?”
Looking at me for a few intense seconds, the doctor seems to be thinking of what to say to me. This is so weird. I mean really, it's just a name. What the hell is the problem here? Is it because I'm talking weird and my voice is extra deep and sleepy sounding, and just totally weird in my head?
“My name is Dr. Michael MacDonald, but you've always called me Mack.”
When? When did I call him Mack? Shit. I think this guy is crazy. I've never met him before in my life. And, as if I'd ever call a doctor by a nick-name. That’s just so tacky and disrespectful and juvenile. I would NEVER do that.
“Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you Dr. MacDonald.” When he suddenly flinches, I think I'm in trouble for something. Shit! “Um, I'm sorry. What do you want me to call you?”
“Dr. MacDonald is fine, Suzanne. Just relax. I'll come back soon and check on you. Is that alright?”
“Sure, I guess. Dr. MacDonald?” Ugh, he flinched again. “Um, do you know where my mother is? I thought she'd be here by now.”
“She isn't here right now- she's out of town. So don't worry about her for now. Just rest, and I'll come back soon to speak with you.”
He totally looked like he was lying to me again. This is so weird. Dr. MacDonald got all red, and he gulped hard when he told me about my mother. What the hell is going on?
“Is everything alright with my mother? You seem to be hiding something about her. Did my mother say something mean to you? If she did, I'm really sorry. My mother can be mean sometimes. Sorry if she was mean to you.”
“Your mother wasn't mean to me Suzanne, so please don't worry about her. She just isn't available right now- that's all. I'll see you soon,” he smiles.
When he stands to leave my room I am totally relieved to be alone.
Okay, Dr. MacDonald just left my room super quick. It's like he wants to do something quickly, or report something quickly, or tell on me quickly about something. Shit. What did I do wrong? Is he going to tell my mother on me? I thought I was very respectful to him. Dammit. I'm totally scared that she's going to be mad at me when I see her.
Trying to exhale again, I realize I'm holding my breath. Why can't I just relax? I'm really exhausted now and I'm more than ready to have a sleep, but I feel too nervous and tense. I NEED to sleep, but I hate the feeling of my mother being mad at me. It's even worse with her than when Marcus is mad at me.
Okay, time to sleep. My brain is all fuzzy, and I feel like crap. My stomach is all nauseous, and my hands are shaky, though I really haven't moved them much at all. Actually, I've barely moved my body at all. What the hell? CAN I move my body?
Okay, focus. Move body, move. Oh, my arms are moving a little. Come on legs. Move! Oh good, they can move too, I feel it. I can't really see it because my head hurts too much, and my eyes are getting super blurry from being tired, but I feel my legs moving, so that's good. Ugh, I really do feel pretty shaky and nauseous, and kind of like I want to cry, which is strange as well because that's something I never do either. I never, ever cry.
Okay, enough. Closing my eyes tightly, I'm just going to rest for a while, and then try to get up and out of this bed a little later.
Good. That's a plan. Maybe when I wake up Marcus will be here and he can tell me why I'm even in the hospital. I would really like to know what I did to end up in a hospital again.
CHAPTER 10
MAY 12
Waking again I am absolutely exhausted because the people just won't stop around here. The noise won't stop and the stuff won't stop. There is never a moment of peace here. I don't know how long this waking up has been, but I'm ready to rest again.
Endless Doctors and Technicians and Nurses and Specialists have been in my room since I woke up. There have been so many people in here constantly. There has been so much talking in here. There has been so much activity in here. There has been so much of everything in this little room.
Throughout all the noise, everyone has been asking the same questions, and everyone has been touching me. Everyone has been in my face and it’s just too much for me.
I don't want to talk anymore, and I don't want to be touched anymore. I don't want my legs moved while I close my eyes, and I don't want my arms raised as I open my eyes. I don't want to be lifted, and shifted, and rolled, and changed anymore. I don't want to hear about my movements, and I don’t want my memory tested again. I don't want to hear about myself anymore because I'm not that interesting. Plus, I’m really not listening anyway.
I'm humiliated and exhausted at once. But no one will actually tell me what happened, or what I did wrong to end up here. No one answers any of MY questions; they just expect answers to all theirs. And back and forth we go.
They ask me a question which I answer, and then I ask them a question which they do NOT answer. Well, I'm not talking anymore and they can’t make me. I'm tired, and I want to be left alone.
Where’s Marcus? Why hasn't he come for me? Where is my mother? Why hasn't she come to claim me? Why am I here? These are such simple questions really but no one will answer me.
*****
Waking, I know there's someone in here, again. I know I'm not alone and I totally don't want to do this anymore. Why can’t I just be alone? I wish I could go back to my sleepless dreaming sleep again. At least there I was alone in my head. Well, except for all the talking and noise and stuff, I was alone.
Opening my eyes slowly, I prepare for the newest person to invade my space. Looking, I see the woman again with the atrocious Brooklyn accent. Sitting beside me in a chair, she looks so happy to see me awake. Ugh... here we go again.
“Good morning, Suzanne. How are you feeling?”
“I'm fine. Why?”
“I'm
just checking. Why do you seem so agitated? What's wrong?”
“I'm not agitated. I just don't know you, and you keep talking to me like I DO know you, and I don't. That's all. Why are you here again?”
“I'm here because we're friends and I've missed you. And because I wanted to see you when you woke up. I wanted to try to talk to you before the others arrived.” The others?
“Um, okay, I don't mean to be rude, but why do you keep saying that? I told you before that I don't know you. I told you that before, like yesterday, or last night I think, but you keep saying that I do know you, but I'm not your friend. I don't even know you, I'm sorry.”
Wow, I really do feel frustrated and tired and kind of angry at her or something.
“Please listen to me, Suzanne. I promise you DO know me. You just have to remember me. You know me very well and we're very close friends. You stayed in my apartment in Manhattan. We went shopping, and I even lent you my car, which I never lend to anyone. We are friends- very close friends actually, I promise. Just trust me, okay?”
“I do apologize, but I don't remember you and I don't trust you. Again, I don't mean to be rude, but would you mind if I had a little privacy?”
“Oh god... Please Suzanne. You sound like her again. You are all polite and reserved, and actually kind of annoying sounding.”
Seriously? “Can't you just tell me to leave you the fuck alone? Or tell me to get the fuck out. Or even tell me to fuck off! Just please, tell me something!” Wow. What?
“I'm sorry, but I don't speak that way. And I don't want to be rude to you, but please give me a little privacy. Do you know where my husband is?”
“Suzanne, you DO speak that way now if you want to. You say ‘fuck’ now if you want to, and you say ‘shit’ a lot. Actually, you mumble ‘shit’ all the time and it's very cute coming from you. You say bad words out loud now, Suzanne. You do, I promise. You aren't like your old self anymore, I swear. You are fun and silly and cute, and even a little sarcastic, thanks to me and Kayla. You are fun Suzanne, and I miss you. Do you remember any of this?”
This Is Me... Page 5