Some days the loneliness I feel is beyond overwhelming. It's a loneliness that is nearly debilitating. It's a soulless walk through my apartment alone trying to function, trying to just breathe, when all I want to do is to give into the loneliness while letting it consume me whole.
This is an agony itself.
But I was always alone, I remember that. My childhood was spent alone with my parents, and my youth was spend alone with my peers. My teen years were spent alone with my horrible secrets, and my marriage was spent alone with Marcus right beside me. I was always alone in my little world of pain. Alone is really all I've ever known, except within this past year.
Meeting and loving these few people of mine has saved me from the abyss. They are my lifeline from the depths of depression that would have killed me by now. They are my tether to this world, keeping me here, keeping me trying to live through the loneliness.
And I love them. Mack and Kayla, other Kayla and Z. I love them with every breath I take. I think of these four people and I realize they are all I have in this world. With these four in my life, the monsters are no longer waiting to strike, and my previous abusive nightmares are trying to stay in the past.
My four people have kept me alive. They are there for me. They are there to love me.
Mack is my constant. Still. I don't think Mack is even capable of leaving me now, or of loving me less. Mack is my forever friend, and I trust that. I believe he is my forever friend.
His dedication alone shows me the depth of his love for me and the depth and intensity of our friendship. He will not leave me- I know that without a doubt. I know I have found the one real person in this world who was made to help me. He was made to love me regardless of me being who I turned out to be. Mack is the one person in this world whom I never, ever fear. He loves me as his best friend and he has proven his love time and time again, whether I deserve his love or not.
And then there's New York Kayla. My Kayla Rinaldi. She is my reason to get up every morning. Kayla can beat the hell out of me with just words when I need an ass-kicking. She can call me on my shit, and she can soothe me when I'm losing my shit. Kayla has managed to put herself firmly into my heart in a way I previously could have only dreamed of. She has been the greatest strength in all my struggle; strength I could have only prayed for. She knows when to shake me and she knows when to hold me. She is the greatest friend I could have ever begged and prayed for. Kayla makes up for every friend I didn't have throughout my thirty years before her.
Other Kayla is still here to love me, too. She's just not as here as she was before, and I'm going to be okay with that one day. I'm going to except the relationship we have as friends now. I'm going to remember fondly the relationship we had, and I'm going to embrace this new, less intense friendship we have now, because really, that's all I can do.
I know if I asked her for anything or if I asked her to help me, she would in a heartbeat. I know she’s still a champion for me. I know she's here- she's just not quite the same as she was. But that's okay. I'm going to be grateful for the friendship she does give me. She will always be my Chicago Kayla Lefferts.
And finally... there's Z. God, I miss him so much my heart aches constantly.
Everything I do, every person I see, every single thing I feel is about Z. He is always with me. Everywhere I go and everything I do is shared with him in my heart. My thoughts remain constantly on and about him. Z makes me, and sadly he breaks me. I miss him so much, I find myself gasping for air just to make it through my lonely days without him in my life.
I wish so many things for us, but I can't have any of them. Z is not in my life directly but I still feel him all day, every day. I feel him in each and everything I do. He is everything to me and it breaks my heart that I can’t be with him, but I'm okay with this absence of him. I have to be.
This life between us is just too much to live with. The decisions made and this life lived is too great to overcome. Z and I cannot live this life with each other because the obstacles are too great to climb together. There is too much darkness and lost promise between us to ever live a life together.
I finally realize that and I'm okay now. I think I'm truly okay with the darkness. I've accepted it. I've lived a life so dark before him, that I don't know how to live in light with him. And though I wish I could, I know I can't live without the darkness. The light and the love between Z and I would eventually blind me and make me weak, and weakness is not part of me loving Z.
So I'll take the darkness and the strength. I'm most comfortable here anyway. I may not be happy and I may be so sad that I ache with gasping breaths of loneliness, but I'll take the strength and comfort I have in my darkness over the potential pain and endless heartbreak of a love tried and failed. This loneliness may be suffocating but at least it's familiar. This suffocating loneliness is all I've ever known, and it's all I'll ever know.
This is my fate, and I'm okay now. I've accepted it. The choices made have brought me to this darkness, and I'm going to love this life as best I can with my only strength being my love of these four people- people who have changed my life and brought me some closure to my past.
I may have little more than an empty cold apartment with an endless stretch of loneliness ahead of me, but at least it's mine. This is the life I have created. This is my life now, and I'm going to live it as best as I can.
Through the darkness, I'm going to give my four people the most love I have, be it from close or from far. My love is theirs for the taking, and I offer it back freely to the four people who have helped and loved me through the nightmare that was my life before them.
I'm okay with the dark loneliness now, because I still have the love of my four people surrounding me in my darkness.
CHAPTER 29
AUGUST 3
So I've learned one very important, life-changing reality the last 2 months I’ve been awake- Pregnancy is hard. It's so weird when I see other women behaving like this is the best time of their lives. They're so happy, people say they ’glow’. Well, I'm not glowing and I'm definitely NOT happy. This sucks.
I would love to be all beautiful and wonderful and loving this, but I'm not. I don't feel beautiful and this is NOT wonderful. I absolutely hate this, I truly do.
Never-mind the obvious; I'm getting huge. But there's so much else going on. Things ache. Body parts I didn't know existed hurt. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I'm tired but I can't sleep. And I'm having a good pregnancy, I'm told. I honestly can't imagine what this would possibly be like if I was having a ‘bad’ pregnancy.
I wonder sometimes if I would feel so crappy all the time if I actually wanted this pregnancy. Huh. Maybe if I was happy that I was pregnant I wouldn't notice all these crappy side effects. It's good that I don't ever discuss this pregnancy with anyone, otherwise I might come off sounding whiny or annoying. As it is, people know how heartless I am about this, but I can't help it. I don't want this. Still.
Honestly, I still feel nothing, but I've tried. I've touched my stomach and I've spoken to it. I've felt it move and I saw a picture of it once for a split second accidentally, but I still feel nothing. And that lack of feeling probably scares me more than just the thought of this whole thing.
I mean really… how can I feel nothing about a child growing inside me? Z's child, no less. But there it is. My horrific reality. I'm bad, and this time it’s undeniable. I really am a bad person because I don’t feel anything for this child inside me.
God, I need a distraction. I need to do something to stop all this thinking. I don't want to call Mack or Kayla, because I'm sure they're quite busy with each other, and I really have no one else to call.
Chicago Kayla is okay, but we're just not the same, and usually after talking to her I feel worse anyway because I miss her so much.
And so I'm going shopping... as a distraction.
I have to go shopping today alone because Mack is in New York for the night, and I'm left here alone, which is fine. Really it
is. He's totally allowed to have a life, and I want him to have a life. I just hate that Mack having a life means I have less of a life. Ugh. Selfish Suzanne I know, but I can't help it. Mack is my Mack, and when he's not around I miss him.
So, I'm going shopping for underwear of all friggin' things. I swear to god- underwear. I'd like to pretend that only my belly is growing but it's simply not true. My ass is definitely getting bigger, and I really can't deny it anymore. My boobs are getting huge too. Quite frankly, I kinda like bigger boobs, not that they weren't big enough before, almost distractingly so, but before I could wear a nice black blouse and they didn't seem so big.
Now, I have huge boobs which I'm allowed to have, though this is slightly marred by the fact that my ass is bigger which seems totally unfair. My ass was always biggish to begin with and now it's bigger. Ugh... Pregnancy sucks.
*****
After checking my make-up and the best air-brush job I can possibly do with my limited resources, I hop in a waiting cab for the mall.
Fairfield Mall has department stores for big-sized underwear woman and there are even a few lingerie shops if I feel like torturing myself today, which I really don't. But why not go in and look... and yearn. Ha! I'm going shopping again, but with total sanity. Finally.
So I'm here and people have already noticed me though they're not staring too obviously. A few people have looked at me already but I've turned my head and hair to hide my face and I'm walking quickly. No need to give them a show for long.
I know I look weird. I know my face is scarred and still a little pink under the make-up and I know my limp is very noticeable which is my fault completely, but I couldn't help it. I had to wear a pair of killer heels for emotional support. I HAD to.
The problem? Balance. It's weird how a growing belly really does throw off your balance in heels. Actually, now that I think about it I'm kind of over compensating my belly by walking strangely with my spine pushed backward so I don't lean too far forward on these super high heels; heels which now seem a little ridiculous in my present condition. Dammit.
Okay, so shoe shopping first before bigass underwear shopping. Yay! Shoes.
Limp-walking to the closest shoe store, I notice it’s clearly for older women, or for women who like comfortable shoes, or maybe for women who are already tall and don't need to flaunt their height. Huh. I see nothing greater than a 1 inch ‘what's the point?' heel, so I quickly move on.
Lingerie store. Nope. Not ready yet. I need 'Awesome won't kill me' heels first. Okay. Hobble. Hobble.
Wow. Funky all black, black light, sexy funky, kinda Goth store. I really love black but I wonder how weird a 30 year old scarred, pregnant woman would look entering... too bad. I'm doing it anyway.
Ahhhh... Black. I love black. Black is good. Black hides my previously hide-able bodily nooks and crannies that are now amazingly less a problem since my boobs are bigger and my ass is huge, my stomach is growing and my face and leg are warped. Giggle.
“Can I help you find anything?” Jump. Yup, I'm still a loser.
“Yes... Do you have any larger sizes?” I had total confidence with that question- I'm proud of myself.
“Yeah, sure,” says the poster-child gothic princess. Holy shit! I would kill to look like her any day. Every day. Always. Okay, maybe not now 'cause I'm too old, but when I was young like her I would’ve. Like if I had been able to dress myself at her age; I would have loved to be like her at least for a day or two. She's beautiful.
Following her to the back of the store where the music seems way too loud, I'm mesmerized by everything about her. She is so perfectly skinny. Her waist is tiny, she has a skinny girl butt, but amazingly she has smallish perfectly proportioned breasts as well. She's perfect and it's really nauseating to stare at her actually.
I wish my belly was flat and I could wear a small top that raises with my arms to flash the flat perfection of my stomach and waist. What the hell? Oh. She probably works out. Huh. Maybe I should eventually give that a try.
“Here's our Plus-Size section, and it's pretty good. We have a larger selection than most stores because even heavy chicks like looking good. Sweet shoes by the way,” she smiles.
Oh my god, she's just so lovely. Her eyes are green and though her hair is dyed pitch black she doesn't look weird; she looks perfectly pale with green eyes that reach out and smack you in the face.
“Thank you,” I whisper embarrassed. And why am I suddenly embarrassed? I'm not sure. I mean I know I'm pregnant, but I feel too old or too uptight to be here. There's something off, but I don't think it's my sanity. I think I'm still okay with that.
“Let me know if you need any help,” she smiles again. God, she's just so pretty, I wish I looked like her. Singing, she walks away.
What the hell is this song? It's horrible and not because I'm old. It just really sucks actually. There's no consistent beat, and the voice is strangely whiny and the music seems to put me on edge or something. But I'm fine.
Looking through some shirts I see nothing I like. Not one single thing. I'm too old for this club-type wear; and really, I would look mental trying to pull off most of this shit. Ha! Mack would have to commit me again. Turning, I spot the dresses and again I'm at a loss. There is NOTHING for me in here, even though everything is my black. Ugh.
Shoes? Ah, boots... I see a pair. Black, knee-high, side zipper, rich dark leather, 4' wedge-awesomeness. They look a little biker boot with a girly edge. They even have a side buckle on the ankle. Yup. These I can totally do.
Motioning to the lovely girl, holding up the boot and flashing 9 fingers she nods and makes her way to the farthest back. I'm excited. I always get excited with shoes, but I'm super excited this time. I love these boots. These are 'Suzanne with a twist' boots for sure.
When she comes back smiling, she leads me to a little bench seat. Pulling my boots out of the box they smell like new leather. Deep breath. Oh yeah, leather scent in my lungs. I love this.
“You are so very pretty,” I whisper. What?!
“Thanks,” she replies easily.
Huh. I get it, she's super busy. The store is loud and there are enough people to make her have to split her attention between us, but still... 'thanks'?
“I'm serious. You have this awesome body and a beautiful face. I'm not weird or anything, but you're very attractive and I thought you should know.”
“Oh, I know. Everyone tells me I'm gorgeous.” gorgeous? “So I'm over it, ya know?” Huh. Not really. I feel like I'm over her right now though.
Pulling on the boots, they fit perfectly. Yes! Standing, I'm instantly comfortable. These boots feel like slippers compared to my killer heels.
“Um, I'll take them and wear them out if you don't mind.”
“No problem,” she says as she takes my killer heels and places them in the boot box for me.
Following her to the check out, I think I'm a little pissed at her. I know she's young, like maybe 19 or 20 so she probably doesn't know anything about life yet, but still to be so blasé about her looks seems tragic. Oh! Actually maybe I'm the problem here because I'm too hung up on looks now. Shit. I'm fine. I'm not freaking out and my sanity is intact, totally. But I do feel annoyed by this situation.
“I used to be pretty too.”
“Really?” Wow. Why the hell is she so surprised?
“Yes, really. Before I was hurt and pregnant, I was thinner and pretty too.”
“Okay. Well, it's $163.39 for the boots,” she says ignoring me. Okay, I'm more than annoyed now.
Pulling out my Debit card, I find I'm growing angrier by the second. Ugh. Calm down. I know this is my problem, I know it. She's NOT the problem, I am. I know it!
She still hasn't spoke to me at all. My card has been swiped, the boot box is in a gigantic bag, the receipt is in the bag, and my card is back in my wallet. I'm breathing and she's just ignoring me.
“Look. I know you don't know me, and I know you don't care about what I'm saying, but it's important. You ma
y not always been so attractive, and it kind of hurts when you're not anymore, so, um... enjoy being pretty while you can.” There I said it. Big exhale. I feel totally better now.
Pausing for a moment she just looks at me like I'm cracked. And in all fairness I don't know her and I'm desperately trying to convince her of something she doesn't understand yet, so I probably do seem a little weird to her.
Fake smiling at me, she says, “Okay. I'll keep that in mind. Have a good day,” as she turns her back to me and walks away.
See, I'm fine. No freak out just because I was totally dismissed. I'm good. I'm wearing my awesome new comfy black 'Suzanne with a twist' boots and I'm okay. There is no freak out in sight.
Entering the large department store I need, I walk directly to the lingerie section. Buying new underwear is awful, but I've been trying to fit my fat ass and growing stomach into my old size for weeks and the elastic just rubs me raw under the belly which is not comfortable in the least. And the wedgie I get? Forget it. It’s like my ass is trying to eat my underwear! Giggle.
When I get to the maternity section, I'm stunned. Every single pair of underwear is white, creamy beige or pink. What the hell? Where is my black? What the hell do I do with pink? I can't even imagine wearing white or pink, or creamy beige. Why? Oh god, if anything’s gonna set me off, it's this. White underwear? This is complete insanity. Giggle.
Moving back to the normal section, I pick up a 3XL pair of BLACK underwear and exhale. These should fit for a while, and they'll probably go over my belly for a while too. Good. Grabbing 12 pair, I even throw in a 4XL just in case.
Walking to the bras I'm faced with the same problem. The maternity section has cute matching bra and panty sets in lacy pinks, whites and beiges. I swear to god, I'm gonna lose it over here. I want ONE black bra. That's it. Just one!
This Is Me... Page 20