Plays 2

by Georges Feydeau

  Francine and Massenay Now what?

  Hubertin I don’t live here.

  Francine and Massenay What?

  Hubertin This isn’t the fifth floor.

  Francine (beside herself) No it is not the fifth floor.

  Massenay It’s the first floor.

  Hubertin I shouldn’t be here.

  Massenay Ah.

  Hubertin Who the devil are you? I don’t know you.

  Massenay (beside himself) Oh, we just thought we’d fetch you and play with you.

  Hubertin Well, go away.

  Massenay You go away! This is our apartment.

  Francine Creeping in here, attacking people … it’s outrageous.

  Hubertin (a huge cry) Oooo-eee!

  Francine and Massenay Now what?

  Hubertin (advancing on her, beaming, with his hand outstretched) Madame Chanal!

  Francine (turning her back swiftly) Ha-h’m.

  Massenay Golly.

  Hubertin (with a drunkard’s exaggerated politeness) What a delightful surprise. How are you?

  Francine (hiding behind Massenay) I’m not. I’m someone else.

  Massenay She’s someone else.

  Hubertin Monsieur Chanal: how is he?

  Francine Never heard of him.

  Massenay Never heard of him. We’ve never heard of him. We aren’t Madame Chanal.

  Hubertin I say.

  Massenay She’s my wife.

  Hubertin Oh, I’m terribly sorry. You know how it is, when you’ve had a lil bit … not a lot, a lil bit … You see things you shouldn’t. I mean, you … (Confidingly to Massenay.) You look like … (Sketching it) a cucumber.

  Massenay Cucumber?

  Hubertin (delighted that he’s got it) Entirely.

  Massenay Listen, you: when you’ve had a lil bit … you don’t burst into other people’s apartments.

  Hubertin But you took my door.

  Massenay What d’you mean, we took your door?

  Hubertin My key fitted it. (Getting his mouth round this with difficulty.) Fit-ted-it.

  Massenay This is ridiculous.

  Francine We’ll discuss it tomorrow.

  Hubertin But Madame Chanal…

  Massenay (taking him by the arm) First, will you stop calling her Madame Chanal?

  Hubertin I don’t know her first name.

  Massenay And second, will you go down to the street and fetch my clothes?

  Hubertin What clothes?

  Massenay (between his teeth) The ones you threw out of the window.

  Hubertin You really want them?

  Massenay Of course I want them. I can’t go out like this.

  He opens the window, leans out.

  Hubertin Whatever you say.

  Massenay Hey!

  Hubertin and Francine What?

  Massenay They’ve gone.

  Francine What d’you mean?

  Massenay Someone’s stolen them. If they hadn’t, they’d be there. They can’t have stolen themselves.

  Hubertin (highly amused) ‘Stolen themselves.’ That’s very funny.

  Massenay What are we going to do?

  Hubertin (sudden cry) I know.

  Massenay and Francine What?

  Hubertin Let’s play a game of poker.

  Francine No!

  Massenay How much more of this. Get out of here.

  Hubertin Hey, mind your manners. I’m not being rude to you, you camel.

  Massenay Camel! Now you’ve gone too far. I’ve taught you some manners once tonight already, and now you need some more.

  Francine Go and fetch the concierge. He’ll deal with this.

  Massenay You’re right. (To Hubertin.) You leave me no alternative.

  He puts on his top hat and strides to the door. Hubertin grins and goes to Francine.

  Francine Émile!

  She hides behind Massenay. Hubertin continues to advance. At the last moment he takes out a pack of cards.

  Hubertin Are we playing or aren’t we?

  Massenay NO WE ARE NOT PLAYING POKER!

  Hubertin In that case, I challenge you.

  Massenay Don’t be ridiculous.

  Hubertin I’m ready when you are.

  Francine Émile! He’s got a gun!

  Massenay Aee!

  The two of them scramble down on to all fours, and make for the door.

  Hubertin Where have you gone? I can’t aim straight when I’ve had a lil bit…

  Massenay Thank God, the door.

  Francine Well, open it. What are you waiting for?

  Massenay I can’t. It’s locked.

  Francine Aee.

  Massenay And my key’s in my trousers, out the window.

  Francine We’re at his mercy.

  Massenay Oh my Go-o-od.

  Hubertin Where are you?

  Francine and Massenay hide behind furniture.

  Massenay Oh no you don’t.

  Francine Have mercy. Monsieur, over here. (She waves a hand) We’d love a game of poker. Especially with you. But I have to get dressed. You’re wearing a poker-suit. I’m … in my nightie.

  Hubertin I don’t mind.

  Francine It’s not comfortable.

  Hubertin So take it off.

  Francine What?

  Hubertin In fact, that’s a very good idea. We’ll all take them off. Manners. If the lady undresses, so does the gentleman.

  He takes off kis jacket and waistcoat.

  Francine Émile! Now he’s taking his clothes off.

  Massenay (rushing at him) You can’t do that!

  Hubertin (throwing him the jacket and waistcoat) You always do that, for poker.

  He undoes his trousers. He is still holding the gun.

  Massenay Stop it! D’you hear me, stop it! (Defeated.) Hoooo.

  He puts the clothes down on a chair. Hubertin takes off his trousers.

  Francine Are you just going to stand there?

  Massenay What d’you want me to do?

  Hubertin There.

  He tosses his trousers across the bed on to the floor, and stands in his long-johns. Delighted with himself, he dances a little jig, and fires the revolver accidentally into the air.

  Massenay and Francine Help!

  Francine Save me!

  Massenay And me! Save me!

  They rush in all directions, like frightened rabbits.

  Hubertin (meanwhile) I say, I’m tired.

  He sits on an upright chair, then collapses very slowly on it in a heap, cradling the revolver as if it were a baby. Meanwhile, oblivious to this, Francine has been shaking and banging the door, and Massenay has thrown up the window and is trying to attract attention in the street. Eventually, he turns.

  Massenay No one’ll come.

  Francine The door won’t budge.

  Hubertin (muttering) ’S very draughty.

  Voice (off) What’s going on in there? Who’s shooting guns?

  Francine (running to the window) It’s God.

  Massenay It’s the people upstairs.

  Hubertin Shut that window. ’S draughty. (He covers himself entirely with the bed-quilt)

  Massenay (leaning to shout out of the window) Help us, please help us! Tell the concierge. Call the police. There’s a maniac in here.

  Voice (off) A maniac, did you say?

  Massenay That’s right, a maniac.

  He mimes a maniac, out of the window. Francine sticks her head out to add her voice.

  Francine Hurry, please. Call the police.

  Voice (off) Don’t go away.

  Massenay closes the window. Francine is emotionally drained.

  Francine Harg, harg.

  Massenay Where’s he gone?

  Francine What’s the matter?

  Massenay He’s vanished.

  Cautiously, on all fours, they search the room, looking under chairs, picking up vases, moving cushions. Eventually they creep up on the bed-quilt from opposite sides, lift it gingerly, and find Hubertin asleep.

  Mas
senay Look at him!

  Francine He’s asleep. Let’s go.

  Massenay We haven’t got the key.

  Francine The police’ll be here any minute.

  She stans dressing.

  Massenay What am I going to wear?

  Francine His clothes. He’s not using them.

  Massenay That’s right. Why should I care what he wears?

  He searches for the clothes.

  Francine Be quick. My skirt … my skirt?

  Massenay has put on Hubertin ’s trousers, which are short in the legs but big enough round the waist for three of him.

  Massenay My, he’s a big one.

  Francine Stop parading up and down. This isn’t a fashion show.

  Massenay My shoes. I need my shoes.

  Francine Under there.

  Massenay Thank God he didn’t throw them out the window.

  Francine Will you get on?

  Massenay All right, all right.

  He starts struggling to put his shoes on, muttering at them.

  Will you get on?

  Francine Now what’s the matter?

  Massenay I always use a shoe-horn.

  Francine Well, use one.

  Massenay I haven’t got one.

  Francine You haven’t got anything!

  The speaking-tube whistles.

  Eek!

  Massenay Idiot!

  Francine What did you say?

  Massenay Not you, the concierge. In the speaking-tube.

  Another loud whistle.

  Francine Make him shut up. He’ll wake the drunk one.

  Massenay (hobbling to the tube as fast as he can, his heels·hanging out of his shoes) Shut up, shut, up, shut up!

  He snatches the tube, whistles, then speaks in a furious whisper.

  You idiot. Where have you been? Call the police. Yes, police! We’re in here with a maniac. Well, I don’t know. Find some. Get on with it.

  He hangs up the tube.

  He says where’s he to get police from at this time of night. I haven’t got any. Ow, these shoes.

  Francine How ridiculous, wearing evening shoes at a time like this.

  Massenay What d’you want me to wear?

  Francine I don’t know. Boots, like me.

  Massenay Thanks.

  Francine This’ll teach me to betray my husband.

  Loud knocking at the door.

  What’s that now?

  Massenay I don’t know.

  Germal (off) Open up, in the name of the law!

  Massenay The police.

  Francine Saved.

  Massenay (hobbling as fast as he can to the door) Inspector, at last!

  Germal Open up.

  Massenay (to Francine) I can’t. The key.

  Germal I said, open up.

  Massenay (fawning through the door) The thing is, Inspector, the key. It’s in my trousers pocket.

  Germal Well, take it out then.

  Massenay Ah! You see, my trousers are in the street outside.

  He hobbles towards the window, gesturing.

  Germal A likely story.

  Francine They are, they are.

  Germal Just open this door.

  Massenay Nothing would give me greater pleasure. But … Just a minute.

  He starts slapping and banging Hubertin ’s trousers, still bagging round him.

  Massenay (to Francine) The drunk has a key. (To the door.) Just a minute …

  He tries it in the lock.

  It worked for him, it should work for … ah. (Opening the door) Inspector, do come in. This is the problem.

  He gestures at Hubertin.

  Germal One moment, if you please.

  He gestures to someone outside.

  This way, Monsieur.

  Enter Chanal.

  Francine My husband!

  She jumps into the bed and covers herself entirely with the sheet.

  Chanal hasn’t seen her.

  Massenay My God!

  Chanal Massenay! It was Massenay!

  Germal No use hiding, Madame.

  Chanal It wasn’t Coustillou.

  Germal Madame, you can come out now.

  Francine (uncovering herself) Did someone call me?

  Chanal (beside himself) You! You!

  Francine (with an air of the utmost innocence) ‘Youyou’, darling? What is the matter?

  Chanal What?

  Francine You don’t imagine … just because I’m …

  Chanal Don’t try to … Inspector, do your duty.

  Francine Inspector! Did you hear that, Monsieur Massenay? An inspector! He really imagines I…

  Massenay Unbelievable.

  Francine Inspector, I won’t lower myself by denying it. You have your evidence.

  Massenay Now what are you doing?

  Germal Madame, you admit you’re Madame Francine Chanal, wife of Monsieur Chanal?

  Francine Inspector, of course I do.

  Germal And you, Monsieur.

  Massenay Inspector, of course I do.

  Germal No, no, Monsieur: your name.

  Massenay Émile Massenay, at your service.

  Germal Massenay? Not – ?

  Chanal Don’t be ridiculous. Does he look like – ?

  Massenay Age thirty-seven. Private income. 28, rue de Longchamp.

  Germal Both of you admit being caught here in flagrante delicto –

  Francine Of course. That … and more. Throw the book at us.

  Germal That would be strict. Flagrante’ll do nicely. (To Chanal.) You agree, Monsieur?

  Chanal makes a gesture of baffled agreement.

  Francine (as if firmly in charge) Excellent. Now, Inspector, I do have to finish dressing. If you’d be so kind … ?

  Germal Madame, of course. We’ve all we need. If you, Madame, and you, Monsieur, would be so kind as to call at my office between one and two this afternoon, I’ll have the statements prepared for signing. Monsieur Chanal, if you’ll come with me …

  Chanal Inspector, at your service.

  He prepares to go. He has to pass Massenay, who is still struggling with his shoes.

  Chanal You too, Monsieur.

  Massenay (crossly) In a minute.

  Chanal What do you mean, a minute?

  Massenay You haven’t a shoe-horn on you?

  Chanal A shoe-horn?

  Massenay No, sorry. Sorry.

  Chanal This is no time for foolery.

  Massenay No, no. Sorry.

  Chanal Please remember your appointment: one o’clock in the inspector’s office. (At the door) After you, Inspector.

  Germal No, no, after you.

  Chanal No, no, I insist.

  Germal Make yourself at home.

  Chanal What?

  Germal Sorry. Force of habit.

  Exeunt.

  Francine Now what?

  Massenay Now what?

  Francine I hope you’re satisfied. This is your fault.

  Massenay Darling, I’m heart-broken.

  Francine ‘Darling, I’m heart-broken.’ What good does that do?

  Massenay I know. But what can I do?

  He struggles with his shoes.

  Francine A gentleman would know what to do. In a perilous situation, a gentleman would gallop to protect his lady’s honour.

  Massenay How? These shoes…

  Francine For heaven’s sake, those shoes! If you can’t find a shoe-horn, use a fork!

  Massenay A fork. How clever!

  Francine Thank you.

  Massenay There’ll be one in there.

  He goes to the inner room. She harries him.

  Francine What a lover you are! Doesn’t even know how to use a fork!

  Massenay goes. Hubertin stirs.

  Hubertin This chair’s not comfy.

  He hitches himself up, still wrapped in the quilt, and flops facedown on the bed.

  Francine I should have known! I should have known! (At the door.) What on earth is he doing? (At the inner-room door) Aren�
�t you ready?

  Massenay (off) I’m coming.

  Francine I’ll wait downstairs.

  She turns to the door again, and bumps into Coustillou, who has burst in.

  Coustillou You!

  Francine Oh, you gave me such a fright.

  Coustillou (with a sob in his throat) You, you, you.

  Francine Yes, me, me, me. Who told you I was here?

  Coustillou Your husband. He sent me. He gave me the address. He was downstairs. He said, you were up here with … with your fancy man.

  He sobs.

  Francine For heaven’s sake don’t you start.

  She goes.

  Coustillou Wait! Ow!

  She’s slammed the door in his face. He turns broken-heartedly into the room.

  A fancy man! I can’t bear it! I just can’t bear it! No! No!

  No!

  With each ‘No’, he pounds his fist on the bed – and on Hubertin sleeping under the quilt. Hubertin surges up.

  Hubertin What the devil – ?

  Coustillou Hubertin! Her fancy man! Take that!

  He slaps him.

  Hubertin That does it!

  He fires.

  Coustillou No! Help! No!

  He rushes out. Hubertin fires a second shot after him, then crouches on the bed, en garde, like a hunter aiming at his prey. Massenay appears from the inner room.

  Massenay He’s shooting now. Help! Help!

  He snatches Hubertin’s hat, and stumbles out as fast as he can, dodging the non-existent bullets.

  Act Three

  The sitting-room of Massenay’s apartment. Window (until balcony) opening on the street below. Main doors to hall, centre back, doors R and L to the servants’ quarters and other rooms of the apartment. The furniture, in the latest style, includes a sofa high enough to hide underneath. There is a writing-desk and a telephone.

  When the curtain rises, Marthe is on the balcony, leaning over to look down the street. It’s broad daylight. Sophie is beside the window, trying to see out. She is agitated.

  Sophie There’s a carriage.

  Marthe There is, Madame, you’re right. That I can’t deny.

  Sophie Is it Monsieur?

  Marthe That might be.

  Sophie No, it’s going past.

  Marthe That is, Madame, you’re right. That I can’t deny.

  They come into the room.

  Sophie It’s awful, it’s awful.

  Marthe Try to be calm, Madame. Don’t upset yourself so.

  Sophie What if something’s happened?

  Marthe That won’t bring him home any sooner.

  Sophie Thank you. Anyone can see he’s not your husband.

  Marthe Now Madame, ‘No news, good news.’ You know what they say. That could be good news.

  Sophie You mean I should be glad he’s not home?