“Brent told you?”
“Brent confided in one of the teachers at this school,” she said. “The teacher saw you two in Frostbites a few weeks ago and then saw you kissing each other goodbye a few mornings ago. It’s all very sweet and homely Jarrett, but hardly the most professional thing for you to be doing. His child is in your class, you’re dating a parent, have you lost your mind?”
My mind whirled, spiraling out of control. This couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t be. Brent wouldn’t do that. After everything we’d discussed, after how carefully we’d been to make sure no one would find out yet, I couldn’t believe that Brent had done that. I thought he’d had concerns about what was going to happen with my job if or when people found out but I didn’t think he would be so stupid as to tell one of the people I work with all about it. It didn’t seem to add up, but where else would this person have gotten this information from. Principal Mabbott said that this teacher heard it from Brent, why would she lie about that? Oh my god. How could he do this to us? Did he not want me around? Was this all a way to get rid of me? I never got that impression when we were together. I could feel myself spiraling. Now was not the time to lose my fucking mind about this, not in front of my boss.
“What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Ewen?” she barked, looking down her nose and over the top of her glasses at me. “Anything at all, or are you just that much of an idiot that you didn’t think someone would find out?”
“I’m not an idiot,” I said, trying not to sound too defiant, trying not to challenge her like the wolf inside me wanted to. It started to prowl through my veins, suddenly feeling caged, suddenly wanting to escape this tiny room that just seemed to be getting smaller. “I was giving the relationship time to develop before I said anything, I didn’t want to go through all of this effort of sorting things out, of making arrangements if it would all come to nothing.”
“That still seems like a stupid idea,” she snapped. “You shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place. What made you think this is a good idea?”
“Because Emery is my daughter,” I snapped. “Brent and I had a one night stand together eight years ago and Emery is the product of that. I’m not proud of it but I am proud to call her my child. If you want Brent and I to break up, that’s fine, but that won’t stop me from being her father. Move her to a different third grade class, I don’t care, I just don’t want to lose her again.” My breath hitched, caught on the words as they suddenly seemed to become a real possibility. After what Brent had done was I about to lose Emery? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
She took a deep breath and leant back in her chair. She certainly hadn’t been expecting that. I guess all I’d really done was add more fuel to the rumor mill.
“I will need time to think about your continued employment at this school, Mr. Ewen, I hope you understand that,” she said. “But, until I have come to a decision, I am suspending you.”
“What? You can’t!”
“I think you’ll find I can,” she said with a saccharine smile. “Please collect any personal belongings from your classroom and be off school property before the end of recess. Your children will be taken care of, don’t you worry about that.”
“But Principal Mabbott, please, I need this job,” I pleaded. “I love this job, I work damn hard, you know I do, I don’t want to lose it.”
“You should have thought about that before you started playing happy families with one of the parents, regardless of your previous affiliations with them” she said flatly, staring at me like I truly disgusted her. “Now get out of my office before I have you thrown out.”
I stared at her for a moment, waiting for her to say something, to change her mind, anything at all, but nothing came. I walked out of her office and back to my classroom, grabbing my jacket, grabbing my phone and rushing outside. I didn’t want to get into any more trouble than I already was.
Before I could even think about what I was doing, I called Brent. I couldn’t believe he’d done this. He’d put everything in danger, our relationship, my relationship with Emery, my job, there was so much on the line and he’d just blurted it out to someone I work with. How could he do this?
“Hello?” Brent said. “Weird that you’re calling now, what time is it? Aren’t you at work? Is everything okay?”
“No, it’s not,” I said, my voice shaking. “What the hell were you thinking telling one of the teachers at school that we’re together?”
“Wait, what?”
“I got called into the Principal’s office just now because they know about us and it’s all your fault.”
“Wait, Jarrett, sweetie, calm down,” he said.
“I won’t calm down, Brent, how could you do this to me? To us?” I couldn’t breathe, it was all too much to deal with. I had no idea what I was going to do. If I didn’t have this job, where was I going to turn?
“Look, Jarrett-“
“You know what, I don’t really want to hear it right now,” I said. “I knew you were worried and had your doubts or whatever but I never thought for one second you would betray me like this. If you can’t keep a secret, then fine, maybe we don’t need a secret to keep anymore.”
“What are you saying Jarrett?”
“I’m saying I’ll see you around,” I said. “We’re done.”
16
Brent
He hung up before I had a chance to protest, before I had a chance to defend myself, to tell him that I had no idea what he was talking about and that I wanted to help him figure this thing out. Maybe he just needed some time to cool off. That had to be it. He just needed some time to decompress and then he’d call and apologize.
But he didn’t call for the rest of the day. I pretty much sat and waited by the phone, feeling it vibrate in my pocket when it hadn’t really, thinking every email was from him (he never emailed, so that made no sense) and just hoping and praying a message would come through. Then Emery came home she told me that Jarrett hadn’t come back to the classroom after recess and I started to get a little worried. Had he been fired? Had he been fired because of me or because of something he thought I’d done? That was the last thing I wanted to happen.
I was distracted for the rest of the evening. I found myself going through the motions when it came to making dinner, to getting Emery ready for bed, to doing anything at all. I debated calling him but thought maybe he still needed time to cool off and get over it so I took myself to bed early, not that I could sleep.
I expected to wake up the following morning to an apologetic text off him or something but there was nothing at all, just radio silence, which made a darkness settle in my gut.
He’d been so good to me over the past few days too. We’d been great in fact. I’d come down with something that was making me feel a little iffy in the mornings but he’d been fine to look after Emery and make sure she had breakfast and got to the school bus on time. It was weird waking up here without him. I struggled to remember the last time I spent a night without him. Just think about it made me want to cry.
I got up, quickly hurrying to the bathroom to throw my guts up before getting Emery up and ready for school and out again. My whole body hurt, and the smell of the eggs I’d made Emery for breakfast were really playing havoc with my stomach. Even as I walked back into the house the lingering smell of them made me want to throw up all over again.
I cleared them up, balking at the sight of them on the plate, the leftovers, trying not to vomit as I cleaned it all up, wiping down the table, clearing the kitchen. It was weird. I’d never had an aversion to eggs before and now just thinking about them made me feel sick.
I stopped mid thought.
I stopped with a cloth in my hand and a panicked feeling gripping hold of my chest like a claw. Was I…?
Surely not.
I thought it through. I tried to remember if we’d ever used protection when we slept together but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Could we really have been that stupid? We’d
been stupid enough to do that eight years ago, why wouldn’t we end up doing that again. Another child, another child belonging to both Jarrett and I. The timing was terrible, if it were true. I didn’t want to wait to find out.
I threw the cloth into the sink and grabbed my car keys and wallet, heading out to the nearest pharmacy. Even in the car I could feel myself panicking, my heart rate rising, sweat beading on my forehead. This was the wrong time. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was just the stress of keeping the relationship a secret. That’s what I told myself it was anyway.
I so wanted another child with Jarrett, of course I did, but this wasn’t how I wanted it to happen. I wanted us to spend more time together, to get to know each other better and then, and only then, we would discuss it and decide that the time would be right for us to try for a child. I didn’t want another happy accident. And I certainly didn’t want to deal with it alone again.
The pharmacy was pretty empty, and I got increasingly nervous as I approached the aisle that I needed. It was hard to believe I was in this very same pharmacy just over eight years ago, picking up a pregnancy test to find out whether or not I was pregnant with Emery. And here I was again in the same stupid situation after another stupid mistake with the same stupid guy.
But the guy wasn’t stupid.
He might have been back then but he was caring now. He had looked after Emery and I since he had been here with us and helped us to create a life together. He was the guy that I had always wanted to be with when I was growing up, the image of the perfect man that I always hoped I would find when I was going from foster home to foster home, wishing my childhood away and waiting for my real life to begin. It was only just beginning and I seemed to have fucked it up, or at least he thinks I have. God I hated this.
I picked up two. I wasn’t entirely sure why. I guess I thought there was a chance I would get one wrong and this way I would get to try again to double check. Even as I went to the register to pay, the woman behind the counter looking at me like I’d grown a second head, I knew it was a weird thing to do. I just had to make sure. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance.
I drove home quickly, hardly paying attention to anything other than the two pregnancy tests burning a hole in my passenger side seat. I wanted to know, I had to know.
I took the first pregnancy test and stared at it dumbstruck when it came up positive. I was sat on my bathroom floor torn between laughing and crying because I felt so stupid to have found myself in this situation again, all by myself and pregnant by Jarrett Ewen.
I took the second pregnancy because I needed to make sure, 100% that it was happening. When that came up positive I called my doctor and made an appointment for in a couple of weeks time. I knew what I needed to do to look after myself, I had done this before, and I was determined to look after myself until the Doctor confirmed it, just in case.
Fuck.
Here I was again.
I debated calling Jarrett to tell him about it. I mean, he hadn’t called me or apologized since he blew his fucking top at me so why should I call him. I mean, I maybe I shouldn’t be telling him at all. I managed on my own fine with Emery. We’d been perfectly okay by ourselves until he came along and gave us the whole of a proper family unit, only to rip it away from us the second things got tough.
But could I really do that to him again. I’d spent so much time talking to him about this, so much time telling him that if I’d known where to find him, I would have found him and told him I was pregnant. How could I say that in one breath and then in another decide that it’s none of his business? Of course it was his business. And I knew if I told him, all the madness of earlier on would fade away and he would probably be happy. He’d get to see all of the things that he missed with Emery. He’d be thrilled.
I didn’t want him to be thrilled right now. Even if I was starting to miss him. I’d give it a little while longer. It was probably more important that I told Emery first anyway.
I picked her up from the bus stop feeling all buzzy with the news. I wondered if she could tell that something was up. She was babbling about school, telling me about all the things she had done today, how Curtis had left her alone since yesterday which was good for her.
When we got into the house, I sat her down in the kitchen, setting her up with a glass of milk and a plate of cookies. I sat down opposite her, trying not to make this look like too much of a serious moment but at the same time trying not to be too excited because I didn’t want to give them game away. I also needed to see how Emery would react first before I started making plans.
“I have something I need to tell you, Emery,” I said, softly. “It’s quite an important thing, but it’s also a secret. I know you’ve been really good at keeping Papa and Dad’s secret while you’ve been at school, so this is another one you would have to keep for me, okay?”
She nodded carefully. “What is it?”
“Well, I found out today that you are going to be a big sister.”
She dropped the cookie she was holding right into her milk with a splash. “Are you serious?” she breathed.
“Yeah,” I said. “I found out today that I am going to have another baby, which means you are going to have a little brother or sister in nine months time and be a big sister. How do you feel?”
“Oh Papa, that’s wonderful!” she exclaimed, jumping off her seat and hurrying around the table to give me a big kiss on the cheek. I was glowing with happiness. That was the reaction I was hoping for. It so easily could have gone the other way. “But why does it need to be a secret?” she asked.
“Well, you’re the first person in the whole wide world that I’ve told,” I said. “I mean, the lady behind the counter at CVS might have guessed but you’re the first person I have officially told.”
She went and sat back down, now staring curiously at the floating cookie in her milk.
“Do you want me to get you a spoon?” I asked.
“No, it will make cookie flavored milk,” she said. “That’s what I wanted.” It definitely wasn’t, but I wasn’t about to argue with her.
“Is something the matter, honey?” I said quietly. “Do you have questions? I can try and answer them for you if you think it would help.”
“What about Dad?” she said. “Does Dad know?”
“Not right now.”
“Is Dad coming back?” The question took me by surprise. I suppose I hadn’t considered how much of an effect Jarrett’s constant presence had had on Emery’s life. “I miss him.”
“I miss him too, honey,” I said. “But Dad is just busy right now. “But we mustn’t tell him yet.”
She looked up at me and blinked. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it isn’t time for Dad to know yet,” I said. “I’m going to go to the Doctor later on this week and double check this is happening and that everything is alright with the baby. After that we will tell him. So when you see him at school, this is another thing you need to keep quiet, okay?”
“That’s okay,” she shrugged. “I don’t see him at school anyway.”
I blinked.
“What’s that?”
“He’s not been in for the past two days,” she said. “I can’t tell him if I can’t see him.”
She was right of course, but I felt suddenly worried. If Jarrett had been off work too, then that meant he had a lot more time than he would usually have. He could have called, he could have texted, he could have let me know if we were okay. But he didn’t.
Maybe Jarrett wouldn’t know after all.
17
Jarrett
It took a couple of days before Principal Mabbott called me and told me that I could come back in for lessons on Wednesday. The weekend had been pretty unbearable if I was honest with myself. I had no planning to do, no marking to do, and no Brent and Emery to keep me distracted and happy. My house felt empty and deathly quiet. I hated it.
It turned out that Emery being my daughter wasn’t something that was goi
ng to stop me from teaching at the school. They would consider moving Emery into a different class but it didn’t really seem necessary at this stage. It was the relationship with Brent that Principal Mabbott wasn’t so pleased about. But I told her we weren’t together any more over the phone so I told her it didn’t matter.
“Is that so?” she said. I could hear her raising her eyebrow through the phone and it made me sick. “Nice to hear you value your career, Mr. Ewen.”
“Yeah, that’s what it was,” I snapped, after I hung up the phone. I’d not heard from Brent in about a week and it was starting to make me worry. I wanted to call him, but the longer I left it, the harder it became to pick up the phone. At this point, an apology for being a massive prick didn’t really seem like enough. I didn’t even give him the chance to explain himself, what the fuck was I thinking? He wouldn’t want to be with me now anyway, not with the way I’d treated him. I don’t think I’d want to be with me right now either. I was starting to think that it was better before I knew about him and Emery. It was at least simpler.
Going back into my classroom was super strange. It didn’t feel the same as it usually did. It still had the brightly colored wall displays of children’s work but it just didn’t make me as happy as it used to. It all felt a little bit tainted.
When the classroom door opened, the children piled in, their eyes widening at the site of me, some of them waving, some of them beaming with happiness, others of them perhaps not so keen or even remotely bothered. Emery dragged herself in last, eyes downcast, not even looking up to see me until she reached her desk and took out her books, ready to start work.
“You’re back!” she exclaimed.
“That’s right,” I said to the whole class. “I’m back. And I’ve heard you’ve been very good for Ms. Hartzell while I’ve not been well, so thank you for that.” The lie tripped off the tongue so quickly I didn’t even blink, diving straight into the work we had been doing before I’d vanished.
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