by Eva Haining
He eyes me warily as if I might be lying. “And what do you want out of life?”
“What everyone else wants. A family. I want a man who’d stop at nothing to prove his loyalty and love for me. I want to be a loving and supportive wife. I’d like to have kids someday before my eggs dry up. When A.B. asked me to come here, it seemed like the right time to make a change, to slow down and take stock of what I want my life to be from here on out.”
“Wow. You want to be a soccer mom? But you’re so accomplished. I don’t get why you’d want to resort to small-town living. Manhattan is the capital of the world. Why treat local hicks who are two slices short of a sandwich?”
I’m surprised by his marginalization of good mental health. “Those hicks deserve to have access to healthcare that exists in the bigger cities. I thought you would understand the importance of mental health.”
“I’m not some demented schizophrenic. I like drugs way more than I should. I’ve heard all the stuff about it being a disease, and I tell myself that when I don’t want to land the blame squarely on my doorstep, but let’s be real for a second, I brought this on myself. My choices created the monster I’ve become. Now, it’s my job to fix it as best I can, and no amount of therapy will do it for me. Tell me I’m wrong.”
My heart breaks for him. “First of all, people suffering from schizophrenia aren’t demented. Secondly, you do have a disease. It’s been thoroughly researched by medical professionals all over the world. Therapy isn’t a cure-all. It was never designed that way. A good therapist should provide you with the emotional tools you need to get your life back on track.”
“Let’s agree to disagree. I promised you favorite color questions and your ideal date. I don’t want to talk about being a fuck-up.”
“You’re not a fuck-up, Johnny. My favorite color is teal, and I don’t like dates because they’re usually a disappointment. I don’t want to take long walks on the beach or be proposed to in a field full of my favorite flowers at sunset. Dating is just a necessary evil in the game of life. Happy now? I won’t agree to disagree with you. If this is the way you truly feel about yourself, you’re a long way from a real honest lasting recovery. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you evaded that question.”
“Why does it matter? How would knowing impact your perception of me?”
“You think I want to judge you?”
“I know you already are. Everybody does.”
I force myself to hold eye contact as I reply. “There’s no judgment here. Look in my eyes, really look, and then listen to what I’m about to say.” He does as I ask, and my stomach does somersaults at the intensity of his stare. “I asked because I like you. I’m attracted to you and think you feel the same way about me.”
“Of course, I’m attracted to you.”
“But I won’t date a man who’s vulnerable to relapse. If I don’t practice what I preach, I have no business working with the people in this town. I asked because I needed to know if you’re in a place to handle… me.”
“I…” His eyes become glassy, and he’s quick to turn away, blinking until he’s back in control.
“You’re not ready, and we just met. Now I know we can’t start something, and I can move past the physical attraction and be your friend if you’ll let me.”
“And what if I can’t move past my physical attraction to you?”
“Then we stay acquaintances who say ‘hi’ when we pass each other in the town square.”
“I don’t want that. You’re the only person I’ve met who wasn’t either born and raised here in K Falls or madly in love to the point of making single people like me sick to my stomach.”
“So, we’re friends.” I hold out my hand to shake on it, trying desperately to ignore the jolt of desire that goes straight to my core as his warm, callused hand engulfs mine.
“Friends. And in the interest of friendship, I overdosed nine months ago. I’ve relapsed once in that time, went back to rehab, and kept working the steps. I didn’t come back to Kingsbury Falls by choice. My best friend and bandmate, Belle, kicked me out of the band until I get my shit together.”
The therapist in me wants to ask him how he feels about all he’s just told me, but there has to be a clear division between my work and personal life. He needs a friend right now. “Thanks for being honest. I know it’s not always the easiest thing to do. So, now that it’s out in the open, do I still get to pick the movie?”
“I bear my soul, and I don’t even get to pick the movie?”
“No, because I don’t do pity. We’re on equal footing, and the fact that I have breasts gives me the right, as society dictates, to choose movies, meals, and pretty much any activity we do together.”
“Good to know. Ladies’ choice it is.” With a sly wink, he reaches for the remote and hands it to me. “Have at it.”
I flip through the apps and look for something I can wind him up with. Something I know he won’t want to watch. “Pride and Prejudice. Perfect.” I look to him for a reaction, but his response is unexpected.
“Cool. I like Jane Austen. I’ve read three or four of her novels.”
“What?” He’s full of surprises.
“You think a manly man like me can’t appreciate a little culture? I’ve spent a lot of time on tour buses and in vans over the years, and I passed the time reading. Some classics, biographies, a well-written fantasy thriller.”
“A man of many talents.”
“Yeah, I have… talents that would blow your mind.”
“I was only kidding about the movie. We can watch something else.”
“No, go for it. I haven’t seen the new version. Can I get you a drink? Non-alcoholic, of course. I’m afraid being my friend comes with a dry house.”
“A water would be great, thanks.”
I set up the movie and find a comfy spot on the couch to cuddle up in. A corner is good and will put some distance between us. When he returns with a bottle of water, I press play, we settle in, and Johnny dims the lights from an app on his phone.
“Okay, I need these lights. It’s very Back to the Future.”
“Now that’s a movie trilogy.”
“Right? It’s one of my all-time favorites.”
“Great. We have our next movie night planned out.”
“Sounds good to me, but we have to watch all three in one night.”
“Guess you better bring your PJs next time.” He realizes his faux pas the second it leaves his lips. “No PJs.”
“We’re watching it naked?”
He adjusts his jeans at the crotch. “Dammit, woman, you know what I mean. Friendship isn’t supposed to come with hard-ons. No more talking for you. You’re never allowed to say the word ‘naked’ around me.”
“I can’t say it, but I can do it?”
“Jesus, you’re killing me. Watch the movie. It’s a classic example of anticipation.”
“Is that what we’re doing, building anticipation?”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Now, stop talking. I’m watching Elizabeth Bennet. I have a thing for her. She’s feisty, and I love that in a woman.” He holds my gaze for just a second too long, licking his lips before focusing on the television. I force myself to do the same, knowing this shameless flirting will only make it harder for us to forge a friendship.
We watch in companionable silence, lost in a simpler time when the possibility of sex was reserved for marriage. A few stolen kisses and a brush of hands were all that was needed to decide on a spouse. No dating apps or social media relationship status. No drunken mistakes and one-night stands. I wonder if it was easier to find someone when love was distilled down to its simplest form.
Halfway through the movie, Johnny pipes up with his critique. “I’m not going to lie, this guy just isn’t giving me the Mr. Darcy vibes. Colin Firth can’t be replaced. He is Mr. Darcy.”
I can’t help giggling. “Aww, you have a crush on Colin Firth. A bromance made in heaven. I hate to tell you he doesn’t swing
that way.”
“Neither do I. I can prove it to you if you’d like.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, and he seems younger, lighter—just a guy in his twenties being playful, without a care in the world.
“Tame the trouser snake. I believe you, but I wouldn’t judge anyone for having a crush on Mr. Darcy. He’s smoking hot.”
“You like that stiff upper lip, trussed-up type? I can’t imagine proposing to a woman I’d never even kissed. What if they weren’t sexually compatible?”
“I don’t know if I believe in sexual compatibility. I think some lovers are better than others, but when you find the right person, the emotional connection will ensure the sex is incredible.”
“I haven’t found the right person, so I can’t answer that question. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with a woman I slept with.”
“Are you a one-and-done kind of guy? A conquest in every city.”
“I was. I think it was part of the addiction cycle for me. The old saying about wine, women, and song is based on truth. I’d like to think that I can find a woman who sees me for who I am and loves me anyway.”
“I don’t get the impression you need to be loved ‘anyway.’ There are more positives to your personality than negatives.”
“You don’t know me that well, doc. I’m sure in time, you’ll see what everyone else does.”
“I’m going to prove you wrong, Johnny Reed, and I think Kingsbury Falls will also prove to you that love doesn’t always come with conditions.”
“I thought I had that with Belle. She’s the only person who’s ever loved me, and even she’s had enough.”
“Whatever she did, she did out of love. If you couldn’t remove yourself from the cycle, she had to. Don’t ever think your sister’s love is conditional. It’s not. If she didn’t love you, you’d still be out gigging and getting high.”
“It sucks. We worked so hard, and I blew it almost immediately. I’m a liability to the record company at this point. I don’t know if I’ll ever be stable enough in my recovery to put myself back in those situations.”
“You can, but the question only you can answer is whether you truly want to do that to yourself again?”
“I hate the idea of walking away from music. It’s who I am and what I love. I don’t know who I am without a guitar in my hand. Do you know what I mean? It isn’t just a job.”
“It’s your passion. I get that.”
“For now, I’m just stuck in this holding pattern, not really living but trying to get through each day without using. I really miss playing to an audience.”
“Do you get nervous when you play? I can’t imagine standing up in front of tens of thousands of people. I’d be a wreck.” I’m intrigued by actors, musicians, or any kind of performer. What makes them able to flourish in that environment? Most of the population would vomit at the thought of getting up in front of their peers and performing. I’d most definitely be riding the vomit comet.
“I really don’t. It’s the only place I feel like myself. Nothing else exists when I play. The women, the drugs, the drinking, it all just fades away, leaving me in paradise.” There’s a softness to his smile that’s very endearing.
“Then why don’t you play a gig here in town?”
“I can’t go to the bar, I’m not ready.”
“What about the coffeehouse? Or we could use one of the Mustang barns?”
“We?”
“You. It would be awesome. The town would have a great night, and you’d get a little taste of what you love without the pressure of afterparties and horny groupies who want to pop pills.” I can’t hide my distaste for the thought of him hooking up with random women.
“Are you jealous of the horny groupies?”
“No.”
“Your face says otherwise.”
“Ignore my face. It hasn’t caught up with the friend status.”
“You’re weird. You know that, right?”
“Weird is relative. In fact, I embrace the weird.” I chuckle, biting down on my bottom lip to stop myself from saying anything else.
“It’s really working for you. You’re not a regular therapist type.”
“And what would that be?”
“Self-righteous, pompous, judgmental.”
“Wow, you’ve not been seeing the right professionals. You should never feel like that.”
“The one I see now is good. He doesn’t seem up his ass. Like he understands what I’m saying and doesn’t think I’m a colossal fuckwit.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Plus, I now know my nickname for you. Fuckwit. Epic, right?” My beaming smile makes him laugh.”
“Nicknames. I’ll have to think of one for you. Leave it with me. I need it to be good.”
“Fair enough.” I look to the television, noticing that the background noise to our conversation has fallen silent. “We missed the rest of the movie.”
“It blows. The original is way better.”
“And it’s also like six hours long.”
“We can watch it some other time, then you’ll be forced to hang with me all day.”
“No forcing required. I’d like to hang with you again.”
“Okay.” He seems a little flustered, but he’s trying his best to keep a lid on it. His whole image is about cool and sexy rock star. I don’t think he’s comfortable with the small-town female-friend vibes.
“I better get going, it’s late, and you’ve got an early rise, according to Jax.”
He runs his hand through that sex-mussed styled hair of his, causing my heart to stutter to a halt. “Yeah, I’m a cowboy now.”
“Lucky horses.”
As I stand to leave, Johnny follows me to the front door, but I’m not sure whether to hug him, kiss him on the cheek, or shake his hand. I opt for a hug, but he goes for the handshake, inadvertently copping a feel of my left breast when his hand gets wedged between us.
“Jesus, I’m so sorry.”
I have to force myself out the door before turning to see him leaning against the doorjamb, looking effortlessly sexy. “Don’t be.”
SESSION
_____________________
YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE LIVE CHAT…
JBG Anon: Hello, Dr. Elliot.
Doctor: Hello, Jay. How are you today?
JBG Anon: Up and down. This week has been mostly ups, so I consider that a win.
Doctor: You should. Tell me about the ups.
JBG Anon: I’ve been working during the day, something completely different from my regular job. It’s been really good. I might have to consider a career change.
Doctor: That’s great. And how is the search for a sponsor?
JBG Anon: I have one. She seems fine. A good bit older than me, so she has that mothering vibe going on. No chance of slipping up and sleeping with her.
Doctor: Is it hard for you to maintain a platonic relationship with a woman?
JBG Anon: My best friend is a super-hot girl. We’ve been friends for over a decade, and I’ve never had the urge to sleep with her.
Doctor: And how is your relationship with her during recovery?
JBG Anon: We’re not really hanging out at the moment. She’s busy, and I’m working on my steps. I hurt her the last time I used.
Doctor: Physically?
JBG Anon: No. Never. I’d never hurt a woman like that. I’ve seen men who lay their hands on women in anger. And children. It makes me sick.
Doctor: Were you one of those children you’re referring to?
JBG Anon: Yeah. No big deal. Once I hit my growth spurt, I was able to take care of myself. It’s funny, guys like that don’t prey on the boys who hit puberty… when our fists are big enough to break their face.
Doctor: What age were you when you started fighting back?
JBG Anon: Fourteen. By the time I was fifteen, my social worker gave up trying to find me a family who would really want me. She believed everything my last foster dad told her. It was all bullshit, but it
taught me a valuable lesson. The truth doesn’t mean shit if no one is there to believe you.
Doctor: That’s a grim lesson for a fifteen-year-old to deal with.
JBG Anon: It just motivated me to make my way in the world and to get my foster sister out of the system as soon as I aged out.
Doctor: You took guardianship at only eighteen?
JBG Anon: Not exactly. I sprung her out of a group home, and we got our first apartment. We both started working full-time and made it to adulthood in one piece. Her at least. I’m not sure how many pieces I’m in now. I think I am more of a smashed-up Rubik’s cube.
Doctor: Have you always been this self-deprecating, or is that something that evolved from your opinion of yourself as a recovering addict?
JBG Anon: Sorry to burst your bubble, doc, but I was born this way. Not all my negative traits come from drug use. Some of them are genetic. I’m sure my parents were assholes. It’s about nature versus nurture sometimes.
Doctor: Do you feel your addiction is linked to them?
JBG Anon: No. That’s all me. I’m responsible for falling down the rabbit hole.
Doctor: When did you first venture down the ‘rabbit hole?’
JBG Anon: I was twelve when I tried weed. I stuck to it for three years before I started experimenting with pills. I was twenty-one when I snorted my first line of cocaine. I don’t know how, but I managed six years before almost killing myself.
Doctor: And you survived. That’s the important thing right now. In a previous session, I asked if you had intentionally tried to end your own life. You were unsure. Is that something you’ve considered throughout our sessions?
JBG Anon: Not really. I don’t think I want to know the answer.
Doctor: I think you’ve already got your answer if that’s how you feel.