by Mansi Negi
She didn't know how much I'd desperately wanted nothing more than to be with her... that if it had been my choice she would have come with me, but I couldn't do that, not if I wanted her to be safe and happy away from Tyler. It would have been too selfish.
Wait! Did she just say my name? I didn't know if I was hallucinating or not. I couldn't pull out of my trance. I swear she whispered my name.
Her bright eyes were locked on me like I might disappear. I needed to get to her, but I'd worked so hard, so fucking hard to stay away from her.
The smell of food wafted through the air, pulling me back to reality.
In a split second decision my feet moved forward toward her. My body had made it's decision on which sustenance I needed more right now.
My eyes bounced to the fucker with his arm around her shoulder, pulling her right up next to him, and my eyes narrowed in anger, even though I had done this. I had pushed her away from me.
I stopped again only a few feet away from her booth, guilt ran through me. I'd only hurt her more if I continued.
She looked frantic, like she didn't want me to stop, fear flashed through her eyes, and then pain, unmistakable anguish and her body leaned toward me, she couldn't help it.
Whatever invisible tether was pulling me toward her in this moment was doing the same to her.
Her body turned completely toward me when she couldn't get close enough and the guy that was with her and had been staring down at her the whole time, finally glanced my way.
I didn't bother to return the favour. I had a one track mind right now...Lyla.
Stuck in middle
Lyla’s point of view
Jonas walked towards me. His eyes angry and expectant. I felt a caress run down the inside of my mind, like he had somehow reached into me and was rewarding me for breaking contact with Jack.
My body pulled me toward him. This stupid booth, this stupid fucking booth holding me back from what I wanted. I turned my body to face him, not knowing what to say.
Jack noticed and for the first time he looked up at the person who had caught my attention. Jonas stopped. He was too far away.
No! Inside I felt terror run through me. Why was he stopping. Did he not want to see me?
Of course, he didn't, he had told me to take a hint. The pain of his words sat heavy on my chest.1
He stood and rocked on his feet, staring me down like I were something to eat.
His head turned toward the front of the restaurant and I momentarily thought he was going to turn and leave.
"Jonas!" I yelled his name, the desperation and pain in my voice shocking me, just as it had the day he had been escorted out of our house.
His jaw clenched and he brought his eyes back to mine. A smirk pulled at the corner of his lips and some sort of look resembling relief had replaced his anger.1
He took the few long strides to our booth and didn't hesitate to plop down in the booth across from us. From this close I could see a small cut in his lip and the faint purple hue of a fist mark on his left cheek.
The strong smell of stagnant cigarettes wafted across the table from his clothes and I wondered how long it had been since he'd washed them or had a shower.
His cheeks looked hollow, like he hadn't eaten in days.1
"Princess... what are you doing here?" He asked, his brow raising toward me and his eyes bouncing between Jack and I.
"Eating." I said, pointing to my full basket of food. His eyes lingered over the basket for too long, and I knew I was right, he hadn't eaten in quite a while. I pushed it over to him.
"I'm done, please help yourself." I said softly, hoping he didn't notice the nervous bob of my throat.
He eyed the food warily. I could tell he was fighting his pride, but the way he licked his lips made me almost nauseous with pity.
"Seriously, please... I don't want to wait for a box. I'd never reheat it and eat it anyway." I said, reassuring him.
At that, he grabbed the burger and began to devour it. He stared across the table at me as I began to introduce the two boys, in the least formal way I could.
"Jack, this is Jonas... he was my foster brother, until he moved out five weeks ago. Jonas, this is Jack, a friend from college."
Jack stuck his hand out for Jonas to shake, and Jonas looked at it momentarily before grabbing a handful of fries instead and plunging them into his mouth.
Not surprising that Jonas would be a dick about me out with another guy, even though it was completely his own fault.4
We all sat in silence after the introduction as Jonas ploughed through the basket overflowing with food.
He had it finished in just a few short minutes and I was desperate to know why he was starving, beat up, and dirty. Was he living on the streets?
"So, a college friend huh?" He motioned his finger between the two of us, and I felt like his voice sounded much more steady now, the husky rasp was back.
Much more like Jonas. He had sounded weak and depleted before eating.
"Yes, we met at the campus visit." Jack replied. Anger shot across Jonas' face.
"Oh, on my birthday?" He asked smugly, looking at me and blowing a heavy breath from his nose.2
"Yes, I thought she was cute then, but she had a boyfriend. So, I was shocked when she called me up and asked me out." Jack replied again, oblivious to Jonas' disgusted reaction to his first statement. 1
"She asked you out?" Jonas asked, but stared at me as the words left his mouth.1
"Are you living around here?" I asked, before Jack could answer his question. I desperately needed to change the subject.
"Why?" Jonas asked, and I wanted to reach over and smack his head. I don't know why I would expect different from him.3
"I just wondered..." I said, sounding sad and defeated. he obviously didn't want me to know where he was living.
He clearly thought I was annoying, or some kind of stalker, by the way he had treated me the last few times we'd seen each other. I let my eyes fall to the table.
I felt Jack's hand rub over my knee and stiffened. Bringing my eyes back to Jonas' face, I tried to make sure he hadn't noticed. He smirked back at me and I felt the hand that I thought was Jack's playfully squeeze my knee.
It wasn't Jack's hand, Jonas was touching me from under the table. He had some balls I'd give him that. Jonas' eyes looked apologetically at me and something squeezed in my heart, bringing tears to brim my lower eyelids.1
Jonas looked at me worried as a few of them overflowed and made their way down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand.
"You've lost weight." Jonas said, worry coating the statement.
"You too." I said, looking at his hollowed cheeks. He brought a hand up and rubbed it over the bruise on his cheek.
"What happened?" I asked.
"It was just a misunderstanding really. Some guy hit me instead of the guy he was swinging at." He lied and it was obvious.
"What are you going to school for then?"
Jonas asked coolly, redirecting the conversation at Jack.
"Elementary education, and you?" Jack answered, and countered, looking between Jonas and I suspiciously.
He had to have known Jonas wasn't going to college. He looked like a homeless man sitting in front of us right now, but the smug look on Jack's face as he waited for Jonas' response was the affirmation I needed to know that he had asked it just to embarrass him.2
"Really, and you expect to get a job with those prison tats?" Jonas asked, sounding completely irritated. His face held a scowl and Jack's returned the sentiment.
Uh-oh, this was not going well. I could feel the tension rising. I wanted this time with Jonas, but didn't want to completely dismiss Jack after we had had for all intents and purposes a wonderful first date.
"They're not prison tats! They're from all of the different countries I've visited." Jack snapped back at Jonas.
"What kind of pretentious bullshit is that?" Jonas asked with a laugh. He leaned forward to
ward Jack, egging him on.
"I mean honestly, it's the kind of nonsense. I just won’t stand for... not if you're dating my elder sister." He winked over at me and I bit my lips together in a nervous laugh.
I didn't think anything was funny. In fact, I wanted to run out of here as fast as my legs would carry me. The awkward tension was palpable.
I felt a snort erupt from my nose, I wanted to leave, but apparently, this was happening instead.
Jonas' smile grew at my reaction and Jack pulled his arm from around my shoulder.
"It's getting dark. I'm going to go. It was nice to meet you again Lyla. See you around campus." Jack barely bothered to look at me and I felt terrible as laughter continued to escape my lips.
"Jack, I'm so sorry." I could barely make a sentence as I was in hysterics.
"I'm a nervous laugher." The words came out of my mouth in between fits of laughter and weren't even audible.
By this point Jonas was holding his stomach, laughing with me and Jack was already half way across the restaurant.
God damn it! I was really having a good time with him. I thought to myself as I continued to laugh.
Jonas was the first to stop with the hysterics. He looked at me more seriously pulling me back from my laughter.
"You asked out another guy?" He looked into my eyes.
"You said to take a hint..." I countered. My expression saddening.
"Fair enough, I deserved it." He looked down my outfit freely. "You dressed to impress." He said, swallowing hard.
"And you stink... when did you last take a shower Jonas?" I asked, looking at him sadly. He lifted his shirt to his nose, smelling it.
"Do I really smell that bad?" He laughed, blowing off my question.
"I'm serious Jonas, are you... are you living on the streets?" I asked. His stare held mine, and then he glanced out the window and let out a huff.
I was losing him. I shouldn't have pressed him so hard. I knew Jonas' pride was something he had yet to overcome, and I had so many more questions to ask him.
To my surprise his other hand met my other leg under the table and he rubbed them in circles over the tops of my knees.
"I'm not homeless." He said, looking at me seriously.
"It's true I haven't had a real shower in a while, but I've got a new job now and I'll have plumbing in the apartment this week. Things have been hard, but all of that is over now." He looked deep in thought. He was at war in his own mind.
"Why Jonas?" I asked softly placing my hands over his on my knees.
"Why are you doing this to me?" The tears that had presented in my eyes earlier were back threatening to spill over again.
"Did you ever really love me?" I asked, my voice no louder than a whisper. He stared at me, tilting his head to the side as if there were something he desperately needed to tell me.
"Talk to me Jonas, please, help me understand, because I love you. You owe me an explanation." I pleaded, biting back the burn in my eyes.
He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it as Jack walked back in the door. I looked up at Jack in annoyance. Jonas was on the verge.
It was right there ready to spill out of his mouth, all the closure or affirmation I would need, and it was interrupted.2
"My car won't start." Jack looked down at his feet in embarrassment.
"I can't get a hold of my dad..." he looked up at me.
"Is there any way you could..." he tapped a toe in nervousness.
"Could you take me home?" His face looked humiliated and I felt awful about the end of our perfect date. I looked up at Jonas' face. It was unreadable. He pulled his hands away from my legs.
"You should go." Jonas said and surprised me.
"I should leave too." He said, like he had resolved whatever battle he'd been waging in his mind and this was always going to be the outcome.
"Jonas please..." I reached out and grabbed his arm. He looked down at my hand tenderly and drug his over top of it, covering it completely. I noticed the gashes in his knuckles. He had been fighting.
"Don't make this harder than it has to be Princess." Jonas said, before pulling his hand away and retreating across the restaurant and out the door.
I stared after him and then looked back to Jack. He looked a little shocked and I imagined so did I.
"I can take you home, just tell me the way." I said quietly. Embarrassment and resentment both boiling over from somewhere deep inside of me.
Closure
I followed Jack through the dark parking lot to my car, keeping close.
Sirens seemed to sound from everywhere around us in this sketchy area of town.
Jonas had already taken off and emptiness had set up shop once again, leaving my heart hollow and void of emotion. I wished I hadn't run into him, it had taken me back to how I'd felt that first day after he'd left.
All the weeks I'd spent recovering had simply washed away and I was left bleeding and exposed, completely raw like it had all just happened.2
Jack sat quietly in the passenger seat staring out the window. Giving me directives only when necessary. I found myself watching him a lot and wondering what kind of sick freak he thought I was.
I mean, I had introduced Jonas as my foster brother and he was clearly so much more than that.
Finally, Jack looked over, catching me staring.
"So, your ex is your foster brother?" He raised an eyebrow and ran his hand over his chin. I stared out the front windshield.
"Yes, but it's not like you think. It didn't happen intentionally." I said, trying to hide some of the shame in my voice.
"It's not really my business Lyla, I just needed to know I wasn't crazy to assume that... look, I had a great time tonight. I really want to see you again, but it's obvious that you're still in love with him, almost as much as he's in love with you. A girl like you Lyla, you could completely break a guy. I just don't want to end up being a rebound." He looked at me thoughtfully and I glanced his way, trying to mirror his thoughtful look, before bringing my attention back to the road.
I could really see myself liking this guy, but he was right. I was definitely still in love with Jonas.
"I know, I'm sorry. I want to move on. I'm really trying to, but we just didn't really have any closure." I said, being as truthful as I could be.
"You think he still loves me too?" I asked before I could stop myself. It was a shitty thing to do, to ask the guy I'd just went on a date with if he thought my ex still loved me.2
"He obviously does, he was a total dick to me. I want to see you again Lyla, but not until you sort this shit out." He said, turning his head back to look out the passenger window. He didn't seem too upset by my question.
"Please don't call me again until you know for sure what you want." He looked back at me stoically, before pointing to a large stone house at the end of the cul-de-sac.
"That's me." He finished with.
"I'm really sorry, I really am." I said as I pulled into the driveway of the massive home, my voice sounding small and embarrassed. He turned to look at me.
"Fuck it." He said, grabbing my face and leaning in to kiss me. It all happened so fast that I didn't have time to make up my mind or put up a fight before his tongue was swirling through my mouth, his minty taste fogging my senses.
I couldn't help but to lean into him and move my tongue against his. His lips enveloped mine completely and his teeth periodically grazed against my mouth, nipping and teasing.
This wasn't just your every day, run of the mill, average kiss... it was deep and passionate, the kind of kiss that takes your breath away and makes you weak in the knees.
"God damn." Jack whispered at my lips as he pulled away looking at me, one of his hands still lingering at the side of my face.7
My heart was left beating too fast and I felt momentarily dazed.
"You kissed me." I whispered, bringing my fingers to my lips. His mouth pulled into a smile.
"You kissed me back... I like you Lyla, please
figure out what you want and soon. I want to do that again." He let his eyes roam my face a little longer before he opened his door and jumped out of my car.
He made his way to the garage door and punched in a code, glancing over his shoulder at me before he disappeared inside. My fight or flight response should have kicked in by now and I should have been pulling away from his house at warp speed, but my head was still swooning. I liked it.
He had kissed me and I hadn't wanted him to stop. Shit.2
I wasn't being fair to myself. I wanted an opportunity to move on.
Jonas loved me. I knew he loved me... but he didn't want me. I had been a bet, I deserved more than that... so much more than that.1
I wasn't going to fall back into the pit I'd been trying to fight my way out of for over a month. I knew where I could find Jonas now.
I was going to go there and demand answers. I deserved to be able to hate him, to be able to mourn the loss of him and move on.
I shouldn't have had to live in limbo, he should have been honest with me.
Even as I pep-talked myself I knew I shouldn't need closure anymore after he'd walked out on me again, but I wanted it, even more now.
Why had he touched me? What was it that he needed so desperately to say to me? I had so many questions, none that mattered in the grand scheme of life, but they mattered right now to me.
I was going to take my life back. I'd given Jonas complete control for long enough. Even if I didn't get the answers I wanted, I decided that I would leave his place tonight and never look back.
This was it for Jonas and I. That finality scared me, but it also felt good to finally draw the line in the sand.
It felt like it was no more than a few fleeting minutes before I was pulling my car next to the Monte Carlo and walking toward the door of the brick garage building.
I didn't give myself time or room to think about what I was doing. I knew I'd talk myself out of it if I did.
"You looking for Mr. Jonas?" A scruffy voice sounded from inside the dark garage, and I recognized the unkempt old man from when I'd given him money this afternoon. Was Jonas letting him sleep in his garage? It was too dark to see more than his silhouette, but I could see that he was at a safe distance for me to approach the door.