Ye Old Underwear Raid
By Jamie Heppner
Striking the hard-packed dirt with my shovel, I again realized how lucky I was–my father said my rich aunt had died, and left me this farm. He promised that if I looked hard enough, I'd find the gold she had stashed here all I had to do was keep digging until I found it. It had only been a few months, but it was sure to be here. Why would my father lie? After all, looking around at the house my aunt left behind, I knew she didn't spend any money on repairs. The roof was so full of holes you could see stars at night, and the floor didn't even have boards. She must have been very rich from saving all that money!
I had no idea where my departed aunt would have hidden her fortune. I needed to think like her to find it, and keep digging until it showed up. Maybe I would go back to town this evening, and see if anyone there might know where she stashed it. The people in town were always so nice to me...if I needed anything, all I had to do was give them some coins and they practically threw themselves at my feet. They always made me feel like a king, but unfortunately this king was almost out of coins. My father hadn't given me many. At best, I had enough for one more night in town.
I left after another long day of digging in my yard. It was beginning to look like a pack of rabid, female badgers had attacked it vigorously. The holes did little to add to the decor, but they did match the roof! Leaving my dirt farm, I made it to the inn just in time for the evening meal to begin. Not a moment after I set foot in the door, the minstrel stopped his music and beckoned me over.
"Sir Harold, so nice to see you, come sit by me so you might pay…err, I may entertain you!"
"Ah Harper, you know as well as anyone here, I am not a sir, only a lowly dirt farmer."
"Perhaps, Harold, but you spend coins like a lord! Do not deny me the pleasure of your company."
"How could I say no to you?" I tossed a few coins into the hat Harper had placed on the ground, and he began tapping his foot to the music he created.
Without a break in the notes, Harper gestured to a pair of women sitting across the inn's dining room. "I think the ladies like you Sir Harold. Their eyes have not left you since you entered."
With a sharp twist of my head, I turned to see what women these were. It took only a moment. Upon eye contact, they both stood and walked over to where I sat. For some reason, Harper got up and moved to the other side of the inn. He was a fickle sort.
"Hello sir, my name is Lady Abby."
"And I am Lady Cherie."
"Hello! My name is Harold. I am pleased to meet you." I moved to stand and shake the woman's hands, but Lady Abby stepped closer to my side, pushing her chest up against me. The lace on her bodice had somehow come undone, and it was easy to see the cavern between her ample breasts. Before I could comment to Abby, and inform her of her wardrobe malfunction, her friend Cherie lifted her leg and placed her foot between my thighs. She seemed to have lost her shoes, and her toes must have been cold, since she was trying very hard to push her foot up into my tenders. My gaze went up her leg, and I noticed she hadn't only lost her shoes! I felt my face grow red, and was just about to mention her lack of memory while dressing, when Lady Abby whispered in my ear. "Perhaps we could all go up to your room…to be more alone?"
I thought this a fine idea. I would do little service to these women by embarrassing them in public! I nodded my agreement and followed Cherie up the stairs to my usual room at the inn.
No sooner had we entered did Cherie push herself up against me, wrapping her arms around me tight.
I felt something hard push into my leg. "Is that a dagger in your pocket?"
Cherie released me, and then started patting me all over, her hands slapping me hard. "He has to have some coins! Help me search him!" The door locked behind me with a click, and the sound of a drawn sword filled the room. "Just cut the clothes off him."
With a flick of a wrist, Cherie held a dagger and cut the string holding my coin purse. "Found it!" She tossed the bag to Abby, and pushed me down to the floor. "How much does the fool have?"
Abby opened my purse and a few coppers dropped to her palm. "Nothing! The idiot is broke!"
"I have more! I just need to find it. I know it's buried somewhere. I have been looking for months but I just need to keep looking!"
The two women put their weapons away and pushed me aside, mumbling as they left me alone in my room.
For some reason, no one talked to me as I walked out. Perhaps they were also embarrassed for the two, almost naked, women. I went straight back to my house and started digging again under the stars. On my fourth hole of the night, my shovel struck the dirt with a thud. Scraping the top layer away, I pulled out a worn, wooden box. With trembling fingers, I opened the top. Under the light of the moon, a king's ransom of gold lay in my hands. Shivering with excitement, I knew exactly what to do. At first light, I'd find those women and buy them some undergarments!
A collection of Short Stories Page 7