by Maria Savva
‘Yes, that same night.’
‘Did he kill himself?’
‘There’s no evidence yet.’
‘It’s so tragic. It doesn’t help that I’m worrying about Tom’s state of mind. It makes you realise how fragile our lives are. Do you think he killed himself because Penny took the children?’
‘The police think it was an accident; he may have been drunk and he most likely fell.’ Cara could see the imposing cliffs in her mind’s eye as she spoke.
‘Whatever happened, it’s so tragic. It wasn’t too long ago we saw him at Carl’s birthday party. He was so young.’
‘I know.’
‘I mean, I know he didn’t treat Penny well, but I didn’t know about the violence. I remember a nice, quiet young man.’
‘He had problems,’ said Cara. ‘I saw the other side of him when he came here looking for Penny. He was frightening.’
‘He must have been, I suppose, for Penny to go into hiding. That’s the one good thing that’s come out of this: she’ll be able to go back home.’
‘Yes.’ Cara smiled. ‘Did she say when she’ll be moving back to Furley Avenue?’
‘No, she didn’t. How have things been here with Aunty Glor?’ she said, changing the subject.
‘We’re getting along quite well.’
‘I’m so pleased. I told you things would work out for the best, didn’t I?’
‘Yes, dear, but I’ll be glad to get back to Penny’s house. I’ve really missed her. Will you ask her to call me?’
‘I don’t have a contact number for her, but if she calls me again I’ll tell her to get in touch.’
Cara felt her mood darken. Why hadn’t Penelope called her at Gloria’s house? She could have got the number from Catherine.
‘Has Jamie been in touch?’ asked Catherine.
‘No, he hasn’t.’ Cara’s heart ached; she had not seen her youngest son for a few months.
‘I called him last week and he said he would come to see you,’ explained Catherine, ‘but he didn’t know when he’d find the time. He’s busy planning his move to South Africa.’
‘Tell him to bring Emily and William with him when he comes. I’d love to see them all before they leave.’
‘Emily and William are staying in England.’
‘That will be hard on them, won’t it? But I suppose it makes sense they should wait until Jamie is settled in his new job before joining him. He might change his mind,’ she said thoughtfully.
‘Mum…’ Catherine paused and looked at her hands.
‘What is it, dear?’
‘I don’t know if I should be the one to tell you this,’ she said, doubt creasing her brow.
‘What is it?’
‘Don’t tell Jamie I told you, promise me.’
‘You’ll have to tell me now, or you’ll have me worrying that something terrible has happened. What is it, darling?’
Catherine ran a hand through her hair. ‘It’s not great news, I’m afraid. Emily and Jamie have split up.’
‘Split up?’
‘Yes, they’re getting divorced. When you see him, don’t tell him I told you.’
‘Divorced? But… I didn’t even know they were having problems.’
‘No, neither did I.’
‘But Emily is such a sweet girl,’ Cara said. ‘It’s such a shame. I must speak to him before he goes to South Africa.’
‘I’ll try calling him again and ask him to contact you.’
‘Oh… all my family has scattered here and there and I hardly see any of you.’ She thought of Benjamin.
‘That’s unfair, I visit you whenever I can.’
‘I know, dear. Sorry.’
‘You mean Ben, don’t you?’ she said.
Cara shivered at the mention of his name. ‘N-no, not only him, everyone… Penny, Jamie…’
‘Do you think we’ll ever see Ben again?’ Catherine asked.
‘No, I don’t,’ said Cara bluntly.
‘Well, it has been about sixteen years, I suppose,’ Catherine said, shrugging.
Cara did not respond.
Catherine checked the time on her watch. ‘Mum, I’m going to have to head back. I can’t leave the children alone with Tom for too long. They’ll be wrecking the house.’
‘You should have brought them with you.’
‘It’s a long journey. I didn’t want to tire them too much, they’ve got school tomorrow.’
As she watched her daughter leave, Cara wished she could go with her. She felt sad. She had hoped to return to London, but it seemed that Penelope might have other plans which did not include her grandmother.
Cara found herself holding the silver locket between her fingers again and remembered that Frederick’s hair was somewhere on the floor. Lying down, she rolled onto her chest and leaned forward over the side of the bed to search the carpet. She peered at the dark brown carpet, straining her eyes; the tiny lock of hair was nowhere to be seen. Determinedly, she ran her hand along the plush fibres to no avail.
Hearing Gloria’s footsteps coming up the hallway, she rolled over to lie on her back.
The door opened.
‘Hello, Cara.’ Gloria raised her eyebrows as she entered the room, then retreated. ‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were tired. I’ll come back later.’
‘No, it’s all right,’ Cara said, sitting up. ‘I was resting.’
Gloria walked in with the vacuum cleaner and a can of furniture polish. ‘I wanted to clean the room, dear.’
Cara knew the lock of Frederick’s hair would now be lost for ever.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
A few days later, James visited Cara. He looked tired, as if he hadn’t slept for days, and his hair was greyer than she remembered it.
‘Hello, Mum, long time no see,’ he said with an apologetic smile. He kissed her on the cheek and sat on the chair next to her bed.
Facially and physically he resembled Billy, and Cara was invariably reminded of her late husband whenever she saw him. Like Billy, James usually had a cheery smile on his face, but today there was no sign of that smile.
Gazing into his deep blue eyes, she recalled what Catherine had told her and a sadness descended.
‘Lovely to see you, Jamie; thank you for coming,’ she said as brightly as she could.
‘I’m sorry it’s been so long. This past year has been a difficult one, and I’ve been so busy at work.’
She wondered whether she should ask about his split with Emily. ‘Jamie, I’ve missed you.’
‘Yes, I’ve missed you too. Has Cat told you about me and Emily?’ he asked.
She felt unsure of what to say and fiddled with the bedsheets nervously.
‘We’ve split up. We’re getting divorced,’ he said, before she had a chance to respond.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Everything’s fine. It’s for the best.’ He looked at his hands.
‘What went wrong? You two always seemed happy together.’
‘We were for a while. But things haven’t been good between us for a few years. These things happen.’
‘I only want you to be happy, darling.’
‘I am. I’ll be all right.’
‘Divorce is a big step. Why don’t you separate for a while and see if you can’t sort out whatever the problems are. You’ve been married for so long; there must have been something keeping you together. Isn’t it worth trying to…’
James was shaking his head as she spoke. ‘It’s over. Don’t you think I’ve considered all the options? This didn’t happen overnight, you know; it’s been a while.’
‘But you loved Emily once. She’s so—’
‘There are a lot of things you don’t know about Emily,’ he said, standing up and walking to the window.
He had his back to her.
‘Yes, I’m sure that’s true, but whatever she’s done, you have a child together. William needs both of you.’
A frown cre
ased his brow. ‘William’s not my son.’
She laughed nervously. ‘That can’t be true.’
‘She was seeing someone else behind my back before we got married.’
Cara batted away unwanted thoughts of Frederick.
James sat at the end of her bed. ‘I’m sick of going over it all. My marriage is over. Can we change the subject, please?’
‘But, Jamie, are you sure William is not your son? He could still be your son. There are tests you could do.’
‘William’s dad left her, so she married me. She lied to me about the pregnancy dates. I had no way of knowing she was lying. I loved her; she had me wrapped around her finger.’
Images of Billy flashed through Cara’s mind.
‘Anyway, that’s not why I’m getting divorced. I’ve known about William not being my son for years. Emily told me a few years back: she cried a lot and said she felt guilty for lying for so long. It came as a shock, but I thought we’d work through it. I still loved her.’ He avoided Cara’s eyes. ‘We’re getting divorced because she’s changed. I’ve changed. Oh, I don’t know… There are lots of reasons. We don’t want the same things. I’d rather not talk about it.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Maybe it is because I found out William isn’t mine.’ He shrugged. ‘Yes, I suppose things might have started going wrong then.’ He got up and walked towards the chair. ‘I mean, it’s not an easy thing to come to terms with… Trust is so important in a relationship. I found myself questioning everything she said.’
‘But she must have loved you to stay with you.’
‘No, she used me; she only wanted a father for her child.’
‘But imagine how hard it would have been for her to tell you everything.’
‘Our relationship was based on lies.’
Cara could see the sorrow in her son’s face as he spoke. A tear rolled down her cheek.
‘Don’t cry.’ He sat close to her on the bed and put an arm around her. ‘Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. The divorce will be final soon and I’m going to work in South Africa. I’ve been offered a great position over there.’
‘Why are you going so far?’ she asked. ‘I’ll never see you.’
‘I’ll visit, it’s not that far. I’ll be coming over from time to time to see William. It’s just what I need, Mum; I need a new start.’
‘You’re not running away, are you?’
‘No, I’d been planning the move to South Africa for a while, I was even going to take Emily and William with me. I’m not running from anything, I’m doing this for me. It’s what I want.’
Cara smiled at him and wiped her tears. ‘You must keep in touch, promise me.’
‘I will.’
As she watched him leave the room, she could not help feeling that another one of her children was leaving her life for good.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
‘Good morning, Nan!’ The cheerful cry greeted Cara as she awoke the next day. She lazily wiped her eyes, and sat up in bed.
Penelope drew the bedroom curtains, and turned to look at her. The sun shone into the room. Cara had to blink to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. Standing either side of her granddaughter were Carl and Andrew, big grins on their faces.
‘Penny?’ Cara said, still not quite believing her eyes.
‘Yes, I’m back.’ Penelope sat on the edge of the bed and took Cara’s hand in hers. Her smile radiated genuine joy, and her dark brown eyes were full of life. Her shiny black hair, which had been neglected for so long, was styled into a sleek bob, and there were no signs of any grey hairs. She wore a denim skirt and a smart white blouse. With her fresh, youthful appearance, no one would ever guess the horrors of her past.
Cara’s heart was smiling as she observed her granddaughter. She squeezed Penelope’s hand tightly and could not stop her tears from falling.
Penelope hugged her.
‘I’m so happy you’re here, Penny dear!’
‘So am I, Nan.’ She took a tissue from the box on the bedside cabinet and dried Cara’s tears. ‘I’m taking you back home with me.’ She beamed. ‘Well, that’s if you want to come.’
‘Yes. Yes, I do, Penny. I’ve been waiting for you to come back.’
Gloria stood at the door waving goodbye to Cara, who was seated beside Penelope in the car.
‘Goodbye, Glor, we’ll keep in touch,’ said Cara.
As they drove away, she wondered whether she would visit Huddlesea in the future. Although her intentions were to see Gloria from time to time, she knew it was not within her control. Her life would be in London now with Penelope, and travelling alone wasn’t an option; she knew it was possible she would never see Huddlesea again.
The car came to a halt at the traffic lights outside The Horse and Dragon public house. Cara wondered if it still looked the same inside. She felt sad that this might be the last time she’d set eyes on the building: the place where she’d met Frederick… As soon as the thought entered her mind she dismissed it, annoyed with herself. Why did she still have feelings for him? He had been the cause of so much pain in her life.
She pulled her gaze away from the pub. Penelope glanced at her and smiled as she set off from the traffic lights. Cara couldn’t help thinking of Frederick again. Penelope’s deep brown eyes brought the memories flooding back.
She caught herself turning around to take a final look at The Horse and Dragon, and breathed a sigh of relief when they drove out of Huddlesea leaving the ghosts behind them.
As the car turned into Furley Avenue, Cara’s mood lifted. Penelope’s house had been her home for so many years, and without David in the house Penelope no longer had to live in fear; they could spend more time together.
For many weeks, Penelope did not talk about the women’s refuge. Neither did she bring up the subject of David’s death. Cara didn’t mention either of those things knowing Penelope was probably trying to forget and move on with her life, and Cara did not want to upset the children.
Penelope behaved much more like her old self, positive and bubbly. Cara was no longer confined to her bedroom: her granddaughter helped her to get around the house so that she could sit in other rooms, and she also frequently took her out and about town in the wheelchair. A sense of freedom and peace reigned in the once stifling house.
One evening, quite out of the blue, Penelope said, ‘I’m looking for work, Nan. Just part-time, to bring in extra money. I hate relying on benefits; the boys need so much more now they’re growing up,’ she explained.
‘That’s a good idea,’ said Cara. ‘It will be good for you to meet new people. I can keep an eye on the boys for you.’
‘No, don’t worry, Nan, I’ll find a job to fit in with the boys’ school hours. Dave never allowed me to work.’ She looked lost in thought for a moment, then went on, ‘Now he’s not here, I’m going to do what I want.’
Cara did not know what to say. It had been about two months since she’d moved back, and it was the first time Penelope had mentioned David.
A brief silence followed, then Penelope spoke again: ‘You’re going to think I’m cold-hearted, Nan, but when I heard he died I felt so relieved and… glad. I hated being in the women’s refuge. It was like being in prison. All I would hear all day would be women talking about their violent husbands and how they were too afraid to go outside. Paranoia was everywhere. I know going to the refuge helped us get away from Dave, but the last thing I needed was to be talking to other women who’d been through the same thing. Some people might find that therapeutic; one of the counsellors told me it was good to talk about it. Maybe I wasn’t ready, I don’t know… but for me… I didn’t want to relive it over and over.’
‘Hmm… I can understand that,’ said Cara.
‘Plus I didn’t want the boys to hear it all. I didn’t want the boys being in that environment, and I hardly slept at night because I had this irrational fear that Dave would come and take them from me. I had a solicitor helping me, and I was worried he wo
uld somehow get the address of the shelter through the lawyers.’
‘It’s over, dear, you have to try to put it behind you.’ Cara touched her granddaughter’s hand.
‘Yes, I know. It’s over, and I want to make a new start for the boys’ sake. I want them to forget about the past.’
‘They’re young, I’m sure they won’t remember any of this,’ said Cara, inwardly wondering how much the boys would remember.
‘I’m not so sure, Nan. I mean, I still remember my mum and dad arguing and all the violence.’
‘Yes, but you were a bit older. Anyway, you’ve turned out all right, haven’t you? You’re a sensible girl.’
‘That’s debatable,’ she said sadly.
‘Penny, soon you’ll meet a nice young man and all the years you spent with David will be a distant memory, like a bad dream you once had.’
‘One of the counsellors at the refuge told me I might have been attracted to Dave because he reminded me of my dad. What if that’s the type of man I’m attracted to?’
‘You can’t think that way, Penny.’
‘Looking back, sometimes I think I’m lucky to be alive.’ Penelope’s eyes were wide as if she were recalling a violent episode.
‘He’s gone, dear, he can’t hurt you anymore.’
‘I always remember how Mum knew, before all of us… She said he was like my dad, didn’t she?’
Cara lowered her eyes as she remembered her last meeting with Benjamin.
Penelope shook her head mournfully. ‘I never want to be in that situation ever again.’
‘You won’t. Not all men are like David. He was an exception, not the rule.’
‘But, Nan, all the men I’ve ever known are the same.’
‘That’s not true. What about my Billy? He was a good man,’ said Cara, echoes of her recent conversation with Benjamin playing in her mind: ‘I idolised him… wanted to be just like him.’
Penelope smiled through weary eyes. ‘You’re right, Nan, I’m getting things out of proportion. Sorry.’