by Walter Scott
CHAPTER XXXVIII
"Speak not of niceness, when there's chance of wreck," The captain said, as ladies writhed their neck To see the dying dolphin flap the deck: "If we go down, on us these gentry sup; We dine upon them, if we haul them up. Wise men applaud us when we eat the eaters, As the devil laughs when keen folks cheat the cheaters." --THE SEA VOYAGE.
There was nothing in Duke's manner towards Christian which could haveconveyed to that latter personage, experienced as he was in the worstpossible ways of the world, that Buckingham would, at that particularmoment, rather have seen the devil than himself; unless it was thatBuckingham's reception of him, being rather extraordinarily courteoustowards so old an acquaintance, might have excited some degree ofsuspicion.
Having escaped with some difficulty from the vague region of generalcompliments, which bears the same relation to that of business thatMilton informs us the _Limbo Patrum_ has to the sensible and materialearth, Christian asked his Grace of Buckingham, with the same bluntplainness with which he usually veiled a very deep and artificialcharacter, whether he had lately seen Chiffinch or his helpmate?
"Neither of them lately," answered Buckingham. "Have not you waited onthem yourself?--I thought you would have been more anxious about thegreat scheme."
"I have called once and again," said Christian, "but I can gain noaccess to the sight of that important couple. I begin to be afraid theyare paltering with me."
"Which, by the welkin and its stars, you would not be slow in avenging,Master Christian. I know your puritanical principles on that pointwell," said the Duke. "Revenge may be well said to be sweet, when somany grave and wise men are ready to exchange for it all the sugar-plumswhich pleasures offer to the poor sinful people of the world, besidesthe reversion of those which they talk of expecting in the way of _postobit_."
"You may jest, my lord," said Christian, "but still----"
"But still you will be revenged on Chiffinch, and his little commodiouscompanion. And yet the task may be difficult--Chiffinch has so many waysof obliging his master--his little woman is such a convenient prettysort of a screen, and has such winning little ways of her own, that, infaith, in your case, I would not meddle with them. What is this refusingtheir door, man? We all do it to our best friends now and then, as wellas to duns and dull company."
"If your Grace is in a humour of rambling thus wildly in your talk,"said Christian, "you know my old faculty of patience--I can wait till itbe your pleasure to talk more seriously."
"Seriously!" said his Grace--"Wherefore not?--I only wait to know whatyour serious business may be."
"In a word, my lord, from Chiffinch's refusal to see me, and some vaincalls which I have made at your Grace's mansion, I am afraid either thatour plan has miscarried, or that there is some intention to excludeme from the farther conduct of the matter." Christian pronounced thesewords with considerable emphasis.
"That were folly as well as treachery," returned the Duke, "to excludefrom the spoil the very engineer who conducted the attack. But hark ye,Christian--I am sorry to tell bad news without preparation; but as youinsist on knowing the worst, and are not ashamed to suspect your bestfriends, out it must come--Your niece left Chiffinch's house the morningbefore yesterday."
Christian staggered, as if he had received a severe blow; and the bloodran to his face in such a current of passion, that the Duke concludedhe was struck with an apoplexy. But, exerting the extraordinary commandwhich he could maintain under the most trying circumstances, he said,with a voice, the composure of which had an unnatural contrast with thealteration of his countenance, "Am I to conclude, that in leaving theprotection of the roof in which I placed her, the girl has found shelterunder that of your Grace?"
"Sir," replied Buckingham gravely, "the supposition does my gallantrymore credit than it deserves."
"Oh, my Lord Duke," answered Christian, "I am not one whom you canimpose on by this species of courtly jargon. I know of what your Graceis capable; and that to gratify the caprice of a moment you would nothesitate to disappoint even the schemes at which you yourself havelaboured most busily.--Suppose this jest played off. Take your laughat those simple precautions by which I intended to protect your Grace'sinterest, as well as that of others. Let us know the extent of yourfrolic, and consider how far its consequences can be repaired."
"On my word, Christian," said the Duke, laughing, "you are the mostobliging of uncles and of guardians. Let your niece pass through as manyadventures as Boccaccio's bride of the King of Garba, you care not. Pureor soiled, she will still make the footstool of your fortune."
An Indian proverb says, that the dart of contempt will even piercethrough the shell of the tortoise; but this is more peculiarly thecase when conscience tells the subject of the sarcasm that it is justlymerited. Christian, stung with Buckingham's reproach, at once assumeda haughty and threatening mien, totally inconsistent with that in whichsufferance seemed to be as much his badge as that of Shylock. "You area foul-mouthed and most unworthy lord," he said; "and as such I willproclaim you, unless you make reparation for the injury you have doneme."
"And what," said the Duke of Buckingham, "shall I proclaim _you_, thatcan give you the least title to notice from such as I am? What nameshall I bestow on the little transaction which has given rise to suchunexpected misunderstanding?"
Christian was silent, either from rage or from mental conviction.
"Come, come, Christian," said the Duke, smiling, "we know too much ofeach other to make a quarrel safe. Hate each other we may--circumventeach other--it is the way of Courts--but proclaim!--a fico for thephrase."
"I used it not," said Christian, "till your Grace drove me to extremity.You know, my lord, I have fought both at home and abroad; and you shouldnot rashly think that I will endure any indignity which blood can wipeaway."
"On the contrary," said the Duke, with the same civil and sneeringmanner, "I can confidently assert, that the life of half a score ofyour friends would seem very light to you, Christian, if their existenceinterfered, I do not say with your character, as being a thing of muchless consequence, but with any advantage which their existence mightintercept. Fie upon it, man, we have known each other long. I neverthought you a coward; and am only glad to see I could strike a fewsparkles of heat out of your cold and constant disposition. I will now,if you please, tell you at once the fate of the young lady, in which Ipray you to believe that I am truly interested."
"I hear you, my Lord Duke," said Christian. "The curl of your upperlip, and your eyebrow, does not escape me. Your Grace knows the Frenchproverb, 'He laughs best who laughs last.' But I hear you."
"Thank Heaven you do," said Buckingham; "for your case requires haste,I promise you, and involves no laughing matter. Well then, hear a simpletruth, on which (if it became me to offer any pledge for what I assertto be such) I could pledge life, fortune, and honour. It was the morningbefore last, when meeting with the King at Chiffinch's unexpectedly--infact I had looked in to fool an hour away, and to learn how yourscheme advanced--I saw a singular scene. Your niece terrified littleChiffinch--(the hen Chiffinch, I mean)--bid the King defiance tohis teeth, and walked out of the presence triumphantly, under theguardianship of a young fellow of little mark or likelihood, exceptinga tolerable personal presence, and the advantage of a most unconquerableimpudence. Egad, I can hardly help laughing to think how the King and Iwere both baffled; for I will not deny, that I had tried to trifle fora moment with the fair Indamora. But, egad, the young fellow swoopedher off from under our noses, like my own Drawcansir clearing off thebanquet from the two Kings of Brentford. There was a dignity in thegallant's swaggering retreat which I must try to teach Mohun;[*] it willsuit his part admirably."
[*] Then a noted actor.
"This is incomprehensible, my Lord Duke," said Christian, who by thistime had recovered all his usual coolness; "you cannot expect me tobelieve this. Who dared be so bold as
to carry of my niece in such amanner, and from so august a presence? And with whom, a stranger ashe must have been, would she, wise and cautious as I know her, haveconsented to depart in such a manner?--My lord, I cannot believe this."
"One of your priests, my most devoted Christian," replied the Duke,"would only answer, Die, infidel, in thine unbelief; but I am only apoor worldling sinner, and I will add what mite of information I can.The young fellow's name, as I am given to understand, is Julian, son ofSir Geoffrey, whom men call Peveril of the Peak."
"Peveril of the Devil, who hath his cavern there!" said Christianwarmly; "for I know that gallant, and believe him capable of anythingbold and desperate. But how could he intrude himself into the royalpresence? Either Hell aids him, or Heaven looks nearer into mortaldealings than I have yet believed. If so, may God forgive us, who deemedhe thought not on us at all!"
"Amen, most Christian Christian," replied the Duke. "I am glad to seethou hast yet some touch of grace that leads thee to augur so. ButEmpson, the hen Chiffinch, and half-a-dozen more, saw the swain'sentrance and departure. Please examine these witnesses with your ownwisdom, if you think your time may not be better employed in tracingthe fugitives. I believe he gained entrance as one of some dancing ormasking party. Rowley, you know, is accessible to all who will comeforth to make him sport. So in stole this termagant tearing gallant,like Samson among the Philistines, to pull down our fine scheme aboutour ears."
"I believe you, my lord," said Christian; "I cannot but believe you; andI forgive you, since it is your nature, for making sport of what is ruinand destruction. But which way did they take?"
"To Derbyshire, I should presume, to seek her father," said the Duke."She spoke of going into paternal protection, instead of yours, MasterChristian. Something had chanced at Chiffinch's, to give her cause tosuspect that you had not altogether provided for his daughter in themanner which her father was likely to approve of."
"Now, Heaven be praised," said Christian, "she knows not her father iscome to London! and they must be gone down either to Martindale Castle,or to Moultrassie Hall; in either case they are in my power--I mustfollow them close. I will return instantly to Derbyshire--I am undoneif she meet her father until these errors are amended. Adieu, my lord.I forgive the part which I fear your Grace must have had in baulking ourenterprise--it is no time for mutual reproaches."
"You speak truth, Master Christian," said the Duke, "and I wish you allsuccess. Can I help you with men, or horses, or money?"
"I thank your Grace," said Christian, and hastily left the apartment.
The Duke watched his descending footsteps on the staircase, until theycould be heard no longer, and then exclaimed to Jerningham, who entered,"_Victoria! victoria! magna est veritas et praevalebit!_--Had I toldthe villain a word of a lie, he is so familiar with all the regions offalsehood--his whole life has been such an absolute imposture, that Ihad stood detected in an instant; but I told him truth, and that was theonly means of deceiving him. Victoria! my dear Jerningham, I am prouderof cheating Christian, than I should have been of circumventing aminister of state."
"Your Grace holds his wisdom very high," said the attendant.
"His cunning, at least, I do, which, in Court affairs, often takes theweather-gage of wisdom,--as in Yarmouth Roads a herring-buss will bafflea frigate. He shall not return to London if I can help it, until allthese intrigues are over."
As his Grace spoke, the Colonel, after whom he had repeatedly madeinquiry, was announced by a gentleman of his household. "He met notChristian, did he?" said the Duke hastily.
"No, my lord," returned the domestic, "the Colonel came by the oldgarden staircase."
"I judged as much," replied the Duke; "'tis an owl that will not takewing in daylight, when there is a thicket left to skulk under. Here hecomes from threading lane, vault, and ruinous alley, very near ominous acreature as the fowl of ill augury which he resembles."
The Colonel, to whom no other appellation seemed to be given, than thatwhich belonged to his military station, now entered the apartment. Hewas tall, strongly built, and past the middle period of life, and hiscountenance, but for the heavy cloud which dwelt upon it, might havebeen pronounced a handsome one. While the Duke spoke to him, either fromhumility or some other cause, his large serious eye was cast down uponthe ground; but he raised it when he answered, with a keen look ofearnest observation. His dress was very plain, and more allied to thatof the Puritans than of the Cavaliers of the time; a shadowy black hat,like the Spanish sombrero; a large black mantle or cloak, and a longrapier, gave him something the air of a Castilione, to which his gravityand stiffness of demeanour added considerable strength.
"Well, Colonel," said the Duke, "we have been long strangers--how havematters gone with you?"
"As with other men of action in quiet times," answered the colonel, "oras a good war-caper[*] that lies high and dry in a muddy creek, tillseams and planks are rent and riven."
[*] A privateer.
"Well, Colonel," said the Duke, "I have used your valour before now, andI may again; so that I shall speedily see that the vessel is careened,and undergoes a thorough repair."
"I conjecture, then," said the Colonel, "that your Grace has some voyagein hand?"
"No, but there is one which I want to interrupt," replied the Duke.
"Tis but another stave of the same tune.--Well, my lord, I listen,"answered the stranger.
"Nay," said the Duke, "it is but a trifling matter after all.--You knowNed Christian?"
"Ay, surely, my lord," replied the Colonel, "we have been long known toeach other."
"He is about to go down to Derbyshire to seek a certain niece of his,whom he will scarcely find there. Now, I trust to your tried friendshipto interrupt his return to London. Go with him, or meet him, cajole him,or assail him, or do what thou wilt with him--only keep him from Londonfor a fortnight at least, and then I care little how soon he comes."
"For by that time, I suppose," replied the Colonel, "any one may findthe wench that thinks her worth the looking for."
"Thou mayst think her worth the looking for thyself, Colonel," rejoinedthe Duke; "I promise you she hath many a thousand stitched to herpetticoat; such a wife would save thee from skeldering on the public."
"My lord, I sell my blood and my sword, but not my honour," answeredthe man sullenly; "if I marry, my bed may be a poor, but it shall be anhonest one."
"Then thy wife will be the only honest matter in thy possession,Colonel--at least since I have known you," replied the Duke.
"Why, truly, your Grace may speak your pleasure on that point. It ischiefly your business which I have done of late; and if it were lessstrictly honest than I could have wished, the employer was to blame aswell as the agent. But for marrying a cast-off mistress, the man (savingyour Grace, to whom I am bound) lives not who dares propose it to me."
The Duke laughed loudly. "Why, this is mine Ancient Pistol's vein," hereplied.
----"Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel?--then Lucifer take all!"
"My breeding is too plain to understand ends of playhouse verse, mylord," said the Colonel suddenly. "Has your Grace no other service tocommand me?"
"None--only I am told you have published a Narrative concerning thePlot."
"What should ail me, my lord?" said the Colonel; "I hope I am a witnessas competent as any that has yet appeared?"
"Truly, I think so to the full," said the Duke; "and it would have beenhard, when so much profitable mischief was going, if so excellent aProtestant as yourself had not come in for a share."
"I came to take your Grace's commands, not to be the object of yourwit," said the Colonel.
"Gallantly spoken, most resolute and most immaculate Colonel! As youare to be on full pay in my service for a month to come, I pray youracceptance of this purse, for contingents and equipments, and you shallhave my instructions from time to time."
"They shall be punctually obeyed, my lord," said the Colonel; "I knowthe
duty of a subaltern officer. I wish your Grace a good morning."
So saying, he pocketed the purse, without either affecting hesitation,or expressing gratitude, but merely as a part of a transaction in theregular way of business, and stalked from the apartment with the samesullen gravity which marked his entrance. "Now, there goes a scoundrelafter my own heart," said the Duke; "a robber from his cradle, amurderer since he could hold a knife, a profound hypocrite in religion,and a worse and deeper hypocrite in honour,--would sell his soul tothe devil to accomplish any villainy, and would cut the throat of hisbrother, did he dare to give the villainy he had so acted its rightname.--Now, why stand you amazed, good Master Jerningham, and look on meas you would on some monster of Ind, when you had paid your shilling tosee it, and were staring out your pennyworth with your eyes as round asa pair of spectacles? Wink, man, and save them, and then let thy tongueuntie the mystery."
"On my word, my Lord Duke," answered Jerningham, "since I am compelledto speak, I can only say, that the longer I live with your Grace, I amthe more at a loss to fathom your motives of action. Others lay plans,either to attain profit or pleasure by their execution; but your Grace'sdelight is to counteract your own schemes, when in the very act ofperformance; like a child--forgive me--that breaks its favourite toy, ora man who should set fire to the house he has half built."
"And why not, if he wanted to warm his hands at the blaze?" said theDuke.
"Ay, my lord," replied his dependent; "but what if, in doing so, heshould burn his fingers?--My lord, it is one of your noblest qualities,that you will sometimes listen to the truth without taking offence; butwere it otherwise, I could not, at this moment, help speaking out atevery risk."
"Well, say on, I can bear it," said the Duke, throwing himself intoan easy-chair, and using his toothpick with graceful indifference andequanimity; "I love to hear what such potsherds as thou art, think ofthe proceeding of us who are of the pure porcelain clay of the earth."
"In the name of Heaven, my lord, let me then ask you," said Jerningham,"what merit you claim, or what advantage you expect, from havingembroiled everything in which you are concerned to a degree which equalsthe chaos of the blind old Roundhead's poem which your Grace is so fondof? To begin with the King. In spite of good-humour, he will be incensedat your repeated rivalry."
"His Majesty defied me to it."
"You have lost all hopes of the Isle, by quarrelling with Christian."
"I have ceased to care a farthing about it," replied the Duke.
"In Christian himself, whom you have insulted, and to whose family youintend dishonour, you have lost a sagacious, artful, and cool-headedinstrument and adherent," said the monitor.
"Poor Jerningham!" answered the Duke; "Christian would say as much forthee, I doubt not, wert thou discarded tomorrow. It is the common errorof such tools as you and he to think themselves indispensable. As tohis family, what was never honourable cannot be dishonoured by anyconnection with my house."
"I say nothing of Chiffinch," said Jerningham, "offended as he will bewhen he learns why, and by whom, his scheme has been ruined, and thelady spirited away--He and his wife, I say nothing of them."
"You need not," said the Duke; "for were they even fit persons tospeak to me about, the Duchess of Portsmouth has bargained for theirdisgrace."
"Then this bloodhound of a Colonel, as he calls himself, your Gracecannot even lay _him_ on a quest which is to do you service, but youmust do him such indignity at the same time, as he will not fail toremember, and be sure to fly at your throat should he ever have anopportunity of turning on you."
"I will take care he has none," said the Duke; "and yours, Jerningham,is a low-lived apprehension. Beat your spaniel heartily if you wouldhave him under command. Ever let your agents see you know what they are,and prize them accordingly. A rogue, who must needs be treated as aman of honour, is apt to get above his work. Enough, therefore, of youradvice and censure, Jerningham; we differ in every particular. Were weboth engineers, you would spend your life in watching some old woman'swheel, which spins flax by the ounce; I must be in the midst of themost varied and counteracting machinery, regulating checks andcounter-checks, balancing weights, proving springs and wheels, directingand controlling a hundred combined powers."
"And your fortune, in the meanwhile?" said Jerningham; "pardon this lasthint, my lord."
"My fortune," said the Duke, "is too vast to be hurt by a pettywound; and I have, as thou knowest, a thousand salves in store forthe scratches and scars which it sometimes receives in greasing mymachinery."
"Your Grace does not mean Dr. Wilderhead's powder of projection?"
"Pshaw! he is a quacksalver, and mountebank, and beggar."
"Or Solicitor Drowndland's plan for draining the fens?"
"He is a cheat,--_videlicet_, an attorney."
"Or the Laird of Lackpelf's sale of Highland woods?"
"He is a Scotsman," said the Duke,--"_videlicet_, both cheat andbeggar."
"These streets here, upon the site of your noble mansion-house?" saidJerningham.
"The architect's a bite, and the plan's a bubble. I am sick of the sightof this rubbish, and I will soon replace our old alcoves, alleys, andflower-pots by an Italian garden and a new palace."
"That, my lord, would be to waste, not to improve your fortune," saidhis domestic.
"Clodpate, and muddy spirit that thou art, thou hast forgot the mosthopeful scheme of all--the South Sea Fisheries--their stock is up 50per cent. already. Post down to the Alley, and tell old Mansses to buyL20,000 for me.--Forgive me, Plutus, I forgot to lay my sacrifice on thyshrine, and yet expected thy favours!--Fly post-haste, Jerningham--forthy life, for thy life, for thy life!"[*]
[*] Stock-jobbing, as it is called, that is, dealing in shares of monopolies, patent, and joint-stock companies of every description, was at least as common in Charles II.'s time as our own; and as the exercise of ingenuity in this way promised a road to wealth without the necessity of industry, it was then much pursued by dissolute courtiers.
With hands and eyes uplifted, Jerningham left the apartment; and theDuke, without thinking a moment farther on old or new intrigues--on thefriendship he had formed, or the enmity he had provoked--on the beautywhom he had carried off from her natural protectors, as well as fromher lover--or on the monarch against whom he had placed himself inrivalship,--sat down to calculate chances with all the zeal of Demoivre,tired of the drudgery in half-an-hour, and refused to see the zealousagent whom he had employed in the city, because he was busily engaged inwriting a new lampoon.