by Wendy Hudson
She had no doubt he had been there. All the questions she’d wanted to ask back then came flooding back. Why hadn’t he stopped the other man? Had he enjoyed it? Had he helped? Had they planned to kill them all along or was it just a robbery. Her mum’s statement had been littered with holes; she’d been in shock, devastated, and had hidden her eyes from most of what had happened. Alex couldn’t blame her for that.
Then she asked the question he could never answer. What if she had been there?
Her phone lit up again on the arm of the chair and she saw Jess’s name. It was quickly followed by Lori’s once that had rung out. She nudged it with her elbow and it fell to the floor. The clatter was strangely satisfying. She picked up the bottle, poured another, pressed play on the TV, and turned up the volume.
* * *
Lori shouted at her phone in frustration as it rang out again. “Damn you, Alex.” She’d just spoken with a worried Jess and had filled her in on what happened earlier that day. They’d watched together as the photos of the unidentified men filled their screens and both resolved to try Alex again, to not let her retreat as she’d done before.
Jess was more forthcoming with Lori than she had been at the farm. She told her more of what had happened all those years ago. It was enough to convince her they should be worried about Alex’s state of mind. Lori would defy anyone to come through that kind of pain unscathed, and talking with Jess had helped her understand that Alex’s earlier reaction had been perfectly valid.
Jess had promised her if she had no luck getting through in the next couple of days, she’d head to the farm. She knew her best friend, and reassured Lori that Alex would need some time for herself initially, then it would be up to them to help pick her up and make her realise the world hadn’t ended again.
In the meantime, she was glued to her screen, willing the police to identify the men. She had shared Stella’s number with Jess and asked for her to be kept in the loop, particularly if Stella was unable to reach Alex.
A message came through from Jess. Unsurprisingly, Alex wasn’t answering her calls either. Lori switched off the TV and tried Alex one last time before conceding for the night and heading to bed.
* * *
Sleep wouldn’t come. Her mind couldn’t leave Alex. From the little Jess had given away, it was clear Alex had taken a long time to come back from the dark place she found herself in after her family’s deaths, and, with one phone call, she had been plunged straight back there.
She padded back to the living room wrapped in the same thick robe Alex had worn that morning, Alex’s scent remained and it was a small comfort but nothing close to being able to wrap her arms around the real thing. She pulled it tight and shuddered, unable to shake the chill that had run through her and stayed since that morning in the kitchen.
Sat with the TV on mute, the photo fit came up on a fifteen-minute loop with the same stories repeated in between. She tapped her mobile phone screen, willing Alex’s name to appear.
She texted Stella again, she knew she was being irritating, that Stella would call as soon as she heard anything, but the helplessness and sense of futility was infuriating. Stella’s reply told her to get some sleep. Sleep? That wasn’t happening tonight. Alex was going through who knew what four hundred miles away and there was nothing she could do about it.
The finality in Alex’s parting words had scared her initially. She’d sat on the floor of the hall crying until she was dry. Then realising there were two people in this, no matter what Alex had said, Lori still had some say in their situation. She would follow Jess’s lead because there was no one that knew Alex better. In the meantime, she had to stay strong, hope the police did their job quickly, and then be there ready, if and when Alex finally did answer her calls.
She hit the TV off button in frustration and headed for the kitchen and a half-finished bottle of wine in the fridge. It wasn’t like her to medicate with alcohol, and she poured it more from a lack of anything else to do.
She picked up her phone and scrolled the contacts, pressing the green button and hoping it would be answered. “Jess? It’s Lori. I know it’s late but—”
Jess cut her off. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t need to say any more. I’m not planning on doing much sleeping either. What’s up?”
“I want you to tell me more about Alex, about her family, about Beth, before all of this. I want to know what that Alex was like.”
Chapter 39
Alex tried to go through the motions the first few days: showering, getting dressed, eating, feeding the animals, and walking with Frank after she picked him up. But each day another chore slipped, another thing was put off, another bill went unpaid.
She hadn’t breathed since the call. She found herself falling deeper back into the well of emotions that had consumed her eight years earlier. She was sure to feed the animals but had spent the past three days with not much more than whisky in her own belly before Jess showed up, fuming that she’d ignored not just her calls, but Lori’s as well. She didn’t want to talk about Lori. She didn’t want to talk about anything.
“Alex, I’m not having this. I’m not watching this happen all over again. I can’t and I won’t let you do it to yourself. Get up.” Jess threw open the curtains and let in the morning sunlight.
Alex groaned into her pillow. Any small movement made her brain feel as if it was knocking around in her head. She wasn’t even sure she was sober, more like drunk but with yesterday’s hangover kicking in.
The covers were thrown back and Jess towered over her. “Don’t make me do it, Alex. We’ve been here before and you know I will.”
Alex didn’t see she had much choice and thought she might as well make it easier on Jess. She held out her arms and, just like eight years ago, Jess easily scooped up the skin and bones that was her friend and carried her to the bathroom.
Alex raised her arms again, this time for her grubby T-shirt to be pulled over her head before the powerful jet of the shower assaulted her. She sat on the stall floor, knees pulled up to her chin, shivering under the spray which Jess had purposefully made too cold. She didn’t protest as shampoo was rubbed into her lank, greasy hair, and shut her eyes tight as the lather ran down her face.
Jess grabbed her hand and put a bar of soap in it. “Your hair, I can do. But I’m not touching your other bits. Get scrubbing, Ryan.”
Alex groaned again but made a show of lathering the soap until a satisfied Jess left her alone to wash. She stood up and held her face under the spray, willing the water to wash the past few days away, wishing to go back to London, to be waking up again in Lori’s arms, for the phone not to have rang that morning.
She turned off the shower. Jess hadn’t gone far and with the water stopped she reappeared with a large towel. Jess wrapped it around her and rubbed Alex’s arms, warming and drying her at the same time before helping her into clean pyjamas and a dressing gown.
“C’mon, I’ll make you some food.”
Alex followed numbly. She was starving and her legs wobbled from exhaustion but the thought of eating made her nauseous. She’d maybe change her mind once Jess started working her magic in the kitchen.
“So have you spoken to Lori?”
Alex sat at the kitchen island as Jess unloaded the items she’d brought from the fridge.
“No, and I don’t intend to. Leave it alone, Jess.”
“What? I’m just asking. You know how worried she is, don’t you?”
“Well, I told her not to worry so she shouldn’t. Can’t you just tell her I’m fine and not to keep calling?”
“I’m not lying for you, Alex. Besides, if I tell her you’re fine, then what’s your excuse for running off and ignoring her?”
“She’s better off without me.”
“Bullshit. Plus, shouldn’t that decision be up to her? You’re not even giving her a chance. You think it’s the same as last time but it’s not. You’ve changed, grown up, and you have people in your life who love you a
nd want to take care of you. Every now and then you need to let them.” She pointed towards the vegetables she’d begun chopping. “Case in point. Because of me, you won’t starve and stink up this place.”
Alex couldn’t help but chuckle. “Okay, I’ll call her. But not before I’m ready.”
Jess stopped chopping and eyed her suspiciously. “Either I’m getting better at this or you just blatantly lied to me. It better not be the second.”
Alex held up her hands. “Enough. Now, can I go lie down on the sofa while you cook?”
“On one condition.”
“Jess, I said I’d call her.” She was exasperated and just wanted the world to leave her alone.
“All right, snappy. I was just going to insist you agree to eat.”
Alex sighed, sorry for being such a bitch when all Jess was doing was looking after her. She walked around the island, behind her friend, and wrapped her arms around her, kissing her cheek and nuzzling her face into Jess’s neck. “I’m sorry, sweet Jess. Thank you. I promise I’ll eat every bite.
Chapter 40
It had been nearly two weeks since the police had called Alex.
After Jess had shown up fuming, sobering her up with some real food and a much needed shower, Alex had taken the ass kicking and allowed her friend to hang around, only insisting she head home at night.
Alex knew she couldn’t allow herself to return to those dark days. The drinking, the hatred, the blinding rage and anger that no one had ever been made to pay for her family’s deaths. But it was hard to fight and she needed some space, some time to herself.
When Stella had called to tell her they had identified the suspects, she believed her and Jess when they said that was a positive step and they would find him, despite her initial scepticism.
“Stella, it’s been almost ten days. Are you telling me he’s even going to be in the country still?”
She had Stella on speaker and Jess hovered over the phone with her.
“Aye, I mean, he has a hell of a head start,” Jess chipped in.
“Well, unless he got out somehow without a passport, he’s still in the UK. He has a driving license but no passport, so he’s limited with that. And there’s no activity on his bank account, not that there’s much in it.”
“But you can’t be sure he hasn’t left the country? Damn it, he could be fucking anywhere in Europe with his driving license.” Alex heard the impatience and anger in her own voice and was sure Stella had too. The stakes were too high and everything seemed to move so slowly.
“Alex, I get you’re frustrated, I am too. But we can only go on what we have, be thorough and hope to catch a break. That’s all I can offer right now.”
“And what about vehicles? Have they found his car?” Jess continued the questioning, glaring at Alex and mouthing for her to calm down. Alex’s mind was reeling with the possibilities of where he was. How far away? Who with? The thought that he might get away was incomprehensible to her at this point. She let Jess carry on, listening as Stella reassured them.
“No sightings yet that we’ve confirmed as him. We’re getting calls all the time and I can assure you every one of them is being thoroughly checked out and we’re continuing to monitor CCTV and traffic cameras, as well as going door to door, around his local area. And obviously the news outlets are running the full story hourly.”
“Okay, we know you’re doing everything you can, Stella, and we are grateful, even if Alex is incapable of showing it. Is there anything else we should know?”
“I know, and really, it’s okay, Alex. I understand.”
Alex muttered her thanks, still deep in thought.
Stella continued. “We do have some more background now, and I can tell you his past is colourful.”
“Colourful as in criminal?” Alex said as she and Jess exchanged glances. They hadn’t considered that he might have a record already.
“Exactly. I can’t really give you any more than that but you can be sure everything we’ve learned will help.”
Alex let Jess’s arm slip around her waist. Hearing that others may have suffered at the hands of Sean Murphy only intensified her desire to see him behind bars, or better, dead. “I’m sure it will. Anything else?”
“Not at this point. Just sit tight and wait for my calls. I know that’s hard, Alex, but trust me when I say we have the best there is working on this. We’re going to catch this animal.”
“I know. And I appreciate everything you’re doing. Really, I do.”
“Right, sweetheart, well I better get back to it. Jess, make sure you’re keeping an eye on her. If anything significant comes up, I’ll head out to the farm to talk. And remember what I said before: be vigilant. We can’t be sure he hasn’t stayed local and is planning a visit.”
Jess was heading to the fridge and called out her good-bye, Alex took her off speaker phone, catching her before she could hang up. “Stella?”
“Yeah, I’m still here.”
“It’s just me now.” Alex turned her back on Jess, lowering her voice. “Stella, how is she?”
She heard Stella sigh and a moment passed before she spoke. “You know I’m trying to keep personal and professional separate here, so when I say this, it’s from Stella, Lori’s best friend.”
Alex nodded but realising Stella couldn’t see her she forced an “okay” out. Afraid of what was coming.
“What you’re doing to Lori, ignoring her like this, pushing her away when all she wants to do is be there for you, it’s out of order, Alex. You’re out of order. She’s in bits.”
Alex choked back a sob. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.
“It’s not me you need to be saying that to. Bye, Alex.”
* * *
Still she couldn’t breathe.
She poured a drink.
It had become a nightly ritual as soon as Jess headed for home. Pour a drink, sit, stew, beat herself up for every mistake.
Since the police had discovered Sean Murray’s identity and put a warrant out for his arrest, he had disappeared. On Jess’s insistence, Alex tried to avoid the TV and Internet, filled with stories regurgitating every detail of that night, the aftermath, and her mother’s eventual suicide.
Sean’s face had become the best known in Britain.
The possibility that he might show up at the farm, be drawn to the scene of his crime if he knew the chase was up was a concern for the police and her friends, but not Alex. If he was that stupid, then let him come.
She took her drink to the music room and ran a finger down the glass of Beth’s picture, outlining her cheek. Tilting it to the light, her reflection flickered back at her. Dark rimmed eyes and hair badly in need of another wash greeted her. It had only taken a couple of weeks to undo eight years of rebuilding, despite Jess’s best efforts.
She shook her head and toasted her glass in the direction of a sleeping Frank before downing it in one gulp and sinking back in to the armchair.
She waited.
She waited for the police to find Sean, for the search of his house to be over, for yet another detective to interview John Murray in an effort to break through his tumour-clouded mind. No surgery could help him, only medication could keep him comfortable, and in the meantime the doctors and detectives tried to get what they could from him.
Alex knew the Murrays had been there that night. Her mother had been convinced it was the men her dad had fought with in the village pub earlier that evening. She’d told the police that the younger man had been making lewd comments about her and had become angry when she’d sent back a drink he bought her.
They had chosen to ignore the insults until he’d followed her to the toilets, and that’s when the fight had broken out. John Murray apparently had no part in it. Instead, he sat quietly at the bar, knocking back the booze until he’d been thrown out with his son.
After that, the rest became a theory and the word of her mum. A woman so consumed with the horror of what she’d witnessed in her bedroom that n
ight, she never again saw light. Annabelle Ryan left Alex to pick up the pieces alone.
And now where was she? Alone again. She stared into the empty glass, but there were no answers there. She hadn’t found them in the bottom of a bottle all those years ago and knew she was a fool to think she’d find them there now. It was habit, and there was no reason she could see to break it. The numbness it offered would do instead of the answers she couldn’t find.
She wondered what Lori would think of her if she could see her now. How could she love her like this? Remembering the bothy brought a rare smile to her face. She could have never have imagined when she set off that day, that a random meeting in the mountains would be the moment to bring her back to life.
That’s how Lori made her feel: alive. Their night together in London had awoken feelings in her she thought were lost long ago. Feelings that Rachel had never ignited and she realised what an idiot she had been to settle for Rachel’s version of love.
She clung onto the memory of London, replayed it nightly, moment by moment. She closed her eyes, conjured the honey scent, the feel of Lori’s skin beneath her lips, and the softness of her hair as it tickled Alex’s body. How she felt at home, tucked in against her; there was nowhere she’d rather be.
And now it was gone. She’d thrown it away and didn’t imagine Lori could forgive her or would want this person she was becoming. She had lied to Jess. She had no intention of calling and dragging Lori through the pain and despair with her. It would beat her down and Alex would never forgive herself for it.
Her phone flashed, the loud ringtone kicking through her thoughts. She checked the caller ID and her pulse quickened when she saw it was Stella. Squeezing her eyes shut she tried a deep breath before answering. “Please tell me you’ve found him?”
Chapter 41
Stella pulled up outside the farm and took a deep breath. She’d kept her call brief, insisting, instead, that she come out to the farm to speak to Alex in person. Her reasons were two fold, she had some big news and wanted to give it to her in person, but Lori had also asked that she visit and report back on Alex’s state. She felt sneaky about the second reason, but her own curiosity had led her to agree.