by Royston Wood
Chapter Three
Cheesy Black Socks
Whilst the Pack Leader and Lead Female sat on the Big Soft Comfy Thing with a grumpy Tumble, Ruff was playing with his toys. They were also Tumble’s toys but she never really played with them much. Not until I want to play with them. Then she suddenly wants to play with whatever one I’ve got!
Ruff kept a wary eye on Tumble but she seemed too fed up to care that Ruff was enjoying himself. Good! But just in case I’m going to play with all of the toys. Even she can’t bully in on all of them.
So he spent the evening taking one toy at a time out of the basket in the corner and tossing it across the floor. Then he’d pounce on it, clutch it in his teeth and chase around the room.
Each toy had its own delights. Most squealed or grunted when he squeezed them in the right way. And he made them squeal or grunt as much as possible.
Digging around in the basket he found Moosey. Moosey was a moose. He had a round bouncy thing in his body and his antlered head gave a really good squeak. Holding him by one antler, Ruff swung his head and flipped Moosey across the floor, where he skidded and rolled to a stop.
Ruff dropped into a crouch and narrowed his eyes in concentration. His muscles twitched, ready to pounce. Moosey watched him warily with his one remaining felt eye as he lay on his side upon the carpet. Ruff spotted Moosey glance to his left, to a safe area behind the chair. He saw him tense, ready for a quick dash to freedom. With a growlp - hiiiya - he sprang forward and leapt – no fell - upon him.
After a bit of frantic, growly wrestling he managed to hold Moosey down, grasping his head firmly in his jaws.
He squeezed mercilessly and Mossey squeaked
pitifully in surrender. After a few more squeaks, just to make sure, Ruff tossed his beaten foe aside and skipped around the dining room table on a lap of victory.
Ha! Another body to toss on the growing heap of my defeated enemies. Let all look upon me and tremble! With all this practice, defeating a Goblin horde is going to be easy.
Ruff had had another dream in which he had been Righteous Rufus. He had defeated a Trolley of Trolls all on his own and rescued Princess Thumbelina. It was funny but Princess Thumbelina had looked exactly like Tumble.
Apart from the fact that she was wearing a pink dress and a stupid pointy hat.
Ruff had told Tumble all about the dream. That was why she was sulking. She had said it was all rubbish. Firstly, she would never have been dim enough to have been kidnapped. And secondly, there was no way Ruff could beat a Trolley of Trolls by himself.
And there was no such thing as trolls.
Or goblins.
Ruff wasn’t quite so sure and thought that a bit of fighting practise wouldn’t do any harm just in case there was a goblin invasion. Because you never knew.
Trotting through the mangled remains of his fallen enemies he returned to the basket. It was nearly empty now but shaking at the bottom was Rainbow Lion.
Ruff’s eyes brightened and a shiver ran up his spine. My favourite. Bigger than Moosey, Rainbow Lion lived up to his name: he was gloriously bright, each part of his body a different colour. But that’s not why he’s my favourite.
Plucking him from the basket he tossed him onto the carpet. Rainbow Lion trembled in fear. Not because he was a cowardly lion. He just knows he has no chance against Righteous Rufus.
He thought about whisking his battleaxe out of his Back Pocket and slicing his enemy up like a loaf of bread. But then he remembered that the Pack Leader and Lead Female were sat on the Big Soft Comfy Thing. Better not confuse them. I’ll stick to paw-to-paw combat.
Ruff stared without blinking into Rainbow Lion’s eyes as they faced each other. Ha! I can see you sweating Rainbow Lion. And so you should.
Tremble before my awesome power, mortal lion!
They danced warily around one another, each looking for a way to attack. Suddenly Ruff dodged to his right and, as Rainbow Lion moved to defend himself, Ruff quickly darted back to his left and lunged. Rainbow Lion had left his side open to attack. Ruff thrust his snout under Rainbow Lion’s belly and with an upward surge sent him spinning into the air.
As Rainbow Lion sailed through the air he traced a perfect, brightly coloured arch, like a rainbow, funnily enough. Ruff dashed below, watching his flight. And so, when he came to a bouncing crash landing, Ruff fell upon him.
And now you face the Jaws of Death!!
Rainbow Lion thought that it certainly smelt like something had died in them. The Jaws of Death tightened about his tummy and he let out a Parp of Fear.
Ruff skipped about on the carpet, tail wagging madly behind him. This was his favourite thing. Rainbow Lion was the only toy that made the same noises he did when he was squeezed too hard in the middle.
He squeezed again and was rewarded with another loud, reverberating parp. Lifting Rainbow Lion off the ground he trotted about squeezing and parping.
After several minutes of this he became bored and went back to the basket for another toy.
Empty?! That can’t be right! Some must be missing. He looked around the room. There’s Roodulf and Monkey and Arthurpotamus and Colin Carrot and Peter Potato and Rope Thing and Gnarly Old Bone and Moosey and Rainbow Lion.
But his oldest toys weren’t there!
He had been very young when he arrived at the Pack Lands. He couldn’t really remember much from before but he knew that the old toys had come with him. They were family heirlooms, passed down from parent to son or daughter. They were an ancient rubber ball, ring and bone. I know they’re cracked and hard. And I know I don’t play with them much now that I’ve got all these new toys. But they’re very dear to me. My only link to mum and dad.
They must be here somewhere. They’re always here, at the bottom of the basket. His heart dropped to his knees. Slumping down he let out a great sigh. I hope they haven’t been Tidied Up or Put in a Safe Place. I’ll never see them again!
Seeing Ruff looking sad the Pack Leader decided that he needed a new playmate. Ruff watched without interest as the Pack Leader pulled off one of his black socks and slipped it over his hand. Ruff was a little surprised when the Pack Leader bent down on his hands and knees in front of him but was too upset about his missing old toys to care.
He’s just being silly.
He turned his head away and sniffed loudly to show that he wasn’t interested. But he still watched the Pack Leader out of the corner of his eye as he formed a mouth in the sock with his fingers and thumb.
Poopscoops!
Ruff’s head snapped back around, his eyes wide. Who’s that!? And where did that sock go? He gave it a sniff. Yuurrrgh! It’s Cheesy Black Socks.
Hiiiya!
And Cheesy Black Socks was a dreadful foe, darting and dodging and making lightning strikes to nip at his sides. Every time he thought he had him he wriggled out of his grasp and clamped his jaws about his snout. He had to growlp very vigorously and spin and skitter and hop to free himself.
Eventually he managed to get such a firm grip on Cheesy Black Socks snout that he was unable to fight back. Ruff tugged with all his might, bottom bouncing on the carpet with his jerking effort. Suddenly Cheesy Black Socks whole skin peeled off! Cheesy Black Socks had disappeared and he was left with a black sock.
Poo! It’s a bit stinky. Giving it a few violent shakes he tossed it aside with a muffled growlp.
Whhattaaa!
Ruff, AKA the Jaws of Death, had won the day - again.
Ruff sat down in the middle of the battlefield, his crushed enemies littered about him. He puffed up his chest. Goblins? Pah! Bring ‘em on!
A grin spread across his face. I can’t wait to get to sleep and dream about the Fantasy Realm again. Then I can use my new fighting skills. He trotted off to the Doggy Doorway and out into the garden for a wee.
Bladder emptied, he trotted upstairs to bed leaving a baffled Pack Leader scratching his head wondering what
he was doing going to bed so early.