The Day You Went Away

by Jennifer Hebbard

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  KANE AND EDEN

  Kane stretched out on the bed next to Eden and yawned. “Whatcha reading?” she asked her wife. Eden ran her hand through Kane’s hair and Kane purred in pleasure. “Well if I could concentrate more than five minutes, I would be reading the newest Radclyffe novel. But I can’t so the answer to your question is, nothing.” Kane opened her eyes and looked up at Eden as she smiled sadly. “Are you ok?” Kane knew the answer to that question already, but she had felt compelled to ask anyway. “No, not really” Eden replied almost matter of factly bending down to kiss Kane lightly on the forehead. “How about you?” Kane closed her eyes and breathed Eden in. “You know” was all she replied. “I know, yes” said Eden sadly. Both women laid side by side on the bed quietly for some time. Both lost in their own thoughts. There was tension between them, and pain, but above all of these things, there was love. As they lay in the silence both of their hands sought the others. They linked their fingers together and both Kane and Eden sighed at the touch. “Sometimes” Kane began, not opening her eyes. “Sometimes I feel like a stranger in this world now. Like I don’t really…fit anywhere anymore. It feels distant and cold, like I don’t have a home” A single tear made its way down Kane’s face and Eden leaned down to kiss it away. “Kane, my love, I know you’re lost. I know you’re searching for answers and there doesn’t seem to be any to find, just painful awful truths. I know all of this because I’m searching too, but Kane, know this if nothing else.” She brought their joined hands to her mouth and kissed Kane’s softly before laying both of them on her chest over her heart. “You always have a home here, in me.” Kane turned on her side and faced Eden. I have loved you since the beginning of time it seems, and I will love you until my last breath and beyond if that’s even possible.” Eden nodded; she did know. She felt the same. “I can’t lose you Eden.” Kane continued. “Please, tell me I won’t lose you.” Eden took Kane into her arms and felt her shudder. “You won’t lose me Kane. I promise” She whispered in Kane’s ear. “I promise you will always have a home in me” She hugged Kane tighter and just held her close, not needing to say anything else. Kane burrowed into Eden’s chest and held on to her as if her life depended on it, and right at that moment, she thought, it just might.

  Both women lay in bed silently for a long time. Kane was on her side with her face pressed into Eden’s stomach. Eden kept her arms tight around Kane’s body and rested her cheek against the top of her hair, breathing her in. Ever since they had met, Kane had always been the one that had played the part of the protector in their relationship, the strong one. Now it seemed the tables had turned completely. Kane was fragile and vulnerable now and it was Eden’s job to be the strong one, to protect Kane. Although she wasn’t entirely sure how to protect her from herself. Eden knew that Kane was her own worst enemy. She was trapped inside of her own guilt and she railed against it so heavily that Eden was so afraid she would become permanently broken before she could fight her way out of it. Just then Kane shuddered in her sleep and emitted a small mewling sound. “Shh baby” Eden cooed. “I’ve got you now, I’ve got you.” Kane settled immediately back into Eden’s embrace and sleep. Eden continued to comfort her wife and worry what the future held for them both.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  KANE

  I wish I could stay like this, in the shelter of Eden’s arms forever. Eden had fallen asleep holding me. I could hear her deep steady breaths and feel the rise and fall of her chest beneath my cheek. There was peace in this bed, in her arms. I know soon though that the sun will rise and a new day would arrive. I didn’t look forward to it. I wanted to hide away, just Eden and I until the whole rest of the world just, went away. But life doesn’t work that way and don’t I know it. Jesus, I sound like a whiny child. Eden began to stir above me and I lifted my head and looked into her drowsy eyes. “Hi” she said with a sleepy smile and I was struck by how truly beautiful she was in that moment. With the morning sun highlighting her hair and the side of her face. “I love you so much.” I told her, speaking my heart. Eden smiled at me and for just a moment the storm inside me calmed. “Well that’s a perfect way to wake up. I love you too.” I made a decision right there and then. I would do anything, suffer anything to make Eden happy. I wanted to wake up in her arms like this every morning until the day I breathed my last. I wanted to see her smile at me again, the way she used to, like I was the only person in the world. I stood up and stretched my back as Eden snuggled further under our quilt a little smile playing on her lips. “Eden?” I bent down and placed a light kiss on her cheek. “Hmm?” She looked so innocent and pure lying there. “If you still want to” I started. I had to clear my throat and Eden opened her eyes and looked at me with a touch of concern. I continued “If you still want us to go to therapy, well we can try that.” Eden sat up straight, and she looked like a weight had been lifted from her and I felt guilty all over again for being the one that had placed it there. “Are you sure?” She asked and I nodded. Seeing the look of absolute relief play across her face was worth the anxiety that I could already feel building inside of me. Eden jumped out of bed and into my arms. I held her tight. “This is a good thing Kane. It will help. “I rubbed my face against her hair. “I hope so baby, I hope so.”

  A week had passed since that conversation in the bedroom. Things seemed to be on an even keel for a change. I left the finding of a therapist or therapy group to Eden. I didn’t know anything about that stuff and Eden seemed to be happy to do it. She seemed to be happy period lately and that made me feel better even though I didn’t think I could match her mood. I still had so many reservations about therapy. Talking to strangers about the most intimate and painful details of my life left me feeling cold and vulnerable. I would do it though, for her. Even though things had been better between us, stronger, I still couldn’t help fearing losing her. I don’t even know where it was coming from. Eden certainly hadn’t said anything to lead me to think that she would leave me in any way, quite the opposite actually. All I know is that I have this gnawing pain in my gut that tells me that our time together will end. It shatters me with its strength and I don’t even know how to talk to Eden about it. I’m sure she could set my mind at ease, or at the least try, but still, I keep it from her. Why do I do that? Why do I constantly shy away from the things that could help me sleep at night, feel like a human being again? Have I always been this self- destructive and just never realized it until now? No, I don’t think that’s it. I always considered myself a confident person in everything I did. Sure, I had doubts here and there but this, this is something altogether different. I tried to shake the feeling of dread that seemed to have taken up permanent residence inside of me and move on with the day. I had decided to take a leave from work. It would make things a little tight but Eden assured me we would be fine and I believed her. She had supported me in everything so the least I could do was try therapy. I seemed to be a pro lately at doing the least. Most days I wandered around the house aimlessly, occasionally laying on the couch and trying to take a nap. Eden had been in her studio a lot more lately, working I presume though she would never let me see what it was she was working on. She said it was a surprise but I thought that maybe she enjoyed the time to herself as well. There was one thing that needed to be done. I didn’t know if Eden would be on board with this chore though. Blake’s room needed to be packed away. I didn’t relish the job either to be honest but in we couldn’t move on with all those ghosts still living here. I made up my mind to at least start packing his things away and determined climbed the stairs to the second floor and Blake’s room.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  EDEN

  I’ve been painting for hours. Sometimes I get so lost in the creative process that time gets away from me. I didn’t plan to spend this much time in here, away from Kane. I knew she was struggling with being home from work. She looked so lost sometimes that my heart broke. I’m still in utter shock that she agreed to go to therapy.
I know she is doing it solely for me and that makes me love her even more if that’s at all possible. I was a bit concerned at how much strain just the thought of therapy seemed to put on Kane. She tried to hide it, but I knew. I could see the fear in her eyes and if I didn’t truly believe that this would help her, help us, I would tell her to forget it but I had hope and faith that this could be a big step in us moving on and learning to live again. Live without Blake. That, was the last thing I wanted to do myself but what choice did we have? I looked at the piece I was currently working on. It was Blake, happy and safe as he remained in my head. He had been such a beautiful boy and I tried to capture that beauty in this piece but I knew I never truly could. Blake had such a light in him that drew others to him if just to bask in his warmth. There was no way to capture that in a painting but I still tried. It seemed that was the way with a lot of things lately. I would try and try and still come up short. I knew Kane felt pretty much the same and just as helpless to change it. It was so frustrating. I tried to be normal, to have a good day and no matter what I did, what I said, this sadness seeped back inside, it covered everything in our home like a shroud. I tried and tried and couldn’t escape it. It was always there, lurking beneath the surface and I hated it. I hated the way it made me feel guilty when I laughed now. I hated the way it made me question everything. I hated the fear it put in Kane’s eyes, a fear she wouldn’t talk to me about. I hated the distance it put between us, even when we were holding each other, it was always there. I just want things to be normal again. It doesn’t have to be spectacular or fireworks in the sky fantastic, just normal. I wiped the excess paint off of my hands as best I could with an old rag, I kept in the studio for just that reason, took off my apron and covered Blake’s portrait. I wanted to find Kane, I just wanted to see her and be near her now, and some instinct inside of me told me that she needed to see me too right now.

  The living room was quiet, no Kane. Maybe she went upstairs to take a nap in bed? She didn’t sleep well at all these days. Usually only in two- hour increments and even that was restless. She couldn’t seem to turn off her brain for long enough to get the rest her body needed. I could relate, I guess. I tossed and turned most of the night myself. My body was so tired most nights but I just found it nearly impossible to relax enough to drift off. Some nights were better than others. When Kane was close to me, I slept, until her own restlessness forced me awake again. What a pair we made. I knew things needed to change, and soon. Neither of us could continue the way we were going now without risking our health and our sanity. “Kane?” I called up the stairs and was met with silence. Maybe she really was asleep? Somehow though I didn’t think so. I trudged up the stairs in search of her. It was too quiet and I felt uneasy all of the sudden. I had just reached the top of the stairs and before I even checked in our bedroom, I knew Kane wasn’t there. Blake’s door stood ajar in front of me. I froze. I didn’t want to go in that room. I didn’t want to face that part of moving on. How could I? How could I just pack away my child’s things as if he never existed? I knew that eventually, it would have to happen, but I didn’t think I had the strength to face it now. I turned away from the door and meant to retreat back downstairs when I heard Kane. She was crying. Without thinking twice, I entered the room. Kane had her back to me, looking out the window. Her head hung in a defeated pose and my heart ached. “Kane?” Kane startled and made to wipe her face before I could see her tears but it was too late. “Everything alright?” I asked tentatively. Kane turned around and I saw she was holding a curious George stuffed monkey in her hands. It was the first toy she ever bought for Blake, the day he was born. I remember her coming through the door with flowers for me and that silly stuffed monkey riding on her shoulder. She was so happy, we both were. “I didn’t even know he still had this.” She said stroking the stuffed animal’s head. Tears streamed from her eyes once again. “Of course he did” I replied. “Blake knew the story of that monkey and when you gave it to him. It was his favorite.” Kane nodded and sat on the twin bed. “Don’t know why he liked this ratty thing after all these years.” She said. I sat next to her, putting my arm around her. “I think it was more who gave it to him” I told her. “Blake thought the world of you Kane. He adored you.” Kane looked up at me then and she looked so lost and broken in that moment. “I should have held onto him Eden. I should have held on and now, I can’t let go.” Kane dissolved in quiet sobs and I just held her. There were no words that I or anyone else could say to make it better for Kane. So, for now I held her, and rocked her and let her get out all of that pain she had stuffed so far down within herself. “What do you say, we hold on to this.” I placed my hand over hers on the stuffed monkey. “we’ll keep it safe ok?” Kane just nodded and I kissed the side of her head. One small step at a time is what it was going to take. There was a saying that went “Love wasn’t about staring at each other, but staring in the same direction.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery, I think it was. I prayed Kane and I were staring in the same direction now and always.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  BLAKE

  I didn’t want to sleep anymore. All of that emotion and pain weighed so heavily on me. I just wanted to be still. The only time I felt happy now was when I was spending time with little Alicia. She made me feel light. She had wormed her way into my existence so seamlessly that it felt she had always been there. She liked to be around me too. She sought me out wherever I went so much so that I just started to find her first so she could go with me. We took long walks and played with the animals. Like me she had a heart for animals and we cared for and loved them every chance we got. Jacob seemed to encourage our friendship too. One day he told me that everything that troubled me now, the problems and the questions I had would soon become clear to me and that Alicia would help me to overcome them. I didn’t understand how he even knew what questions and problems I had or how a little girl could help me but I had learned not to question Jacob. The thought of Alicia made me smile, she was so cute. I told her all about baseball and what my favorite foods used to be. I even told her about my moms. She never seemed to get tired of listening to me, especially when I talked about my family and how much love we shared. She didn’t seem to know or remember anything about her own family, but she always got a faraway look on her face when I told her about mine. Sometimes late at night she would crawl in bed with me and curl up and ask me to tell me the story of when I was born. I loved to tell that story, and she loved to hear it. Most nights when I had finished telling her the entire story of how my moms met and how they came to have me, I would look down and find Alicia asleep. As I covered her, she would always mumble the same word, “Someday.” I had no idea what that meant but I would always smile and say “someday Alicia” and she would smile in her sleep and my heart would melt. She was a special little girl, but even I didn’t know how truly special she was.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  KANE

  The office was decorated in soothing blues and greens, I immediately felt uncomfortable. I ran my hand along the back of the small sofa and the material felt scratchy. “It’s going to be ok Kane.” Eden said to me taking my hand. She pulled me down to sit next to her. I sat as close as I possibly could to her and her mere presence calmed me a bit. “I don’t know about this Eden. I don’t know if I can do this.” Eden looked at me then tenderly. “Kane, if you’re not ok then we stop. It’s as simple as that. We’ll figure something else out. All I ask baby, is that you try.” How could I deny her that? “Ok, I’ll try.” I had no sooner gotten the words out when an inner office door opened and an attractive woman stepped into the waiting room and faced us. “Hello, you must be Kane and Eden. I’m Sasha Austin and I’m very glad you’re here.” Sasha looked to be in her 40’s and wore a pencil skirt in a hazy blue color and a white blouse with two buttons opened. She had a kind face and a pleasant voice. I felt a little more at ease knowing that she was the therapist we would be talking to. Eden had done well in choosing a woman. I don’t think I could full
y open up to a man. Eden squeezed my hand and we both stood. She spoke first. “Yes, I’m Eden, this is my wife Kane. We’re very pleased to meet you.” Sasha reached out and shook both of our hands. Her skin was soft and her perfume smelled of lavender. Eden and I followed Sasha into her office. The furniture was a blonde wood and the décor was tasteful and understated. “Please, have a seat” Sasha motioned to another smaller couch and Eden and I sat down, still holding hands. Sasha sat across from us and placed a small recording device on the table between us. “I would like your permission to record our sessions. It helps with recall when I am typing up my notes at the end of the day. Is that alright with both of you?” Eden assented and I just shrugged. It didn’t matter to me if she recorded us, I didn’t plan to say much. Sasha situated herself on her chair and pressed record. She looked at both Eden and I individually. “Eden told me some things about your situation when we spoke on the phone. How are you doing today, right now?” Eden squeezed my hand again and spoke. “Today has been an ok day, I guess. We have them sometimes.” Sasha looked to Eden “What does an ok day consist of for you? For both of you? “Eden looked to me but I stared straight ahead. “I guess when neither of us has a major breakdown. When there are more smiles than tears. When things seem to almost approach normal again you know?” Sasha nodded and turned her gaze to me. “And you Kane? Has it been an ok day for you as well?” I looked at her. I didn’t know what to say so I just spoke what I felt. “I haven’t felt ok in a very long time.” I heard Eden inhale deeply. “There are no good days, or bad days, or ok days anymore. There are just days without Blake.” I felt like I was betraying Eden in saying these things but if we had to be here, we should probably tell the truth. “Thank you, Kane.” Sasha smiled at me and she looked pleased. “Thank you for being honest. That is the only way we will ever make any progress here is if we are all as honest with each other as we can possibly be.” I saw Eden nod. She hadn’t released my hand and I ran my thumb lovingly over her knuckles. Sasha turned her attention to Eden then. “Eden? You look troubled.” I looked at Eden and noticed the tight smile and the slight squinting of her eyes. I hadn’t caught that, so wrapped up in how I was feeling. Selfish. I squeezed Eden’s hand in encouragement to share what she was feeling. She turned fully in her seat and faced me instead of Sasha. “I don’t understand Kane why you can’t say those things to me? When I ask you how you’re doing you answer fine, or ok, you are never as open with me as you were just now.” I was shocked at the hint of anger I heard in my wife’s voice. I felt horrible. “Eden, I…I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to have to worry about me.” Eden laughed at that, not a small laugh either but a guffaw. “You don’t think I worry about you anyway? You don’t think I can see the pain in your eyes when you tell me everything is fine? That you’re ok? You don’t think I see you struggling every single day and feel helpless to comfort you, to help you? I’m your wife Kane. I know you better than anyone, even better than you know yourself sometimes so do you really think, believe that when you tell me everything is ok that I believe you?” The vehemence in Eden’s voice was something I had rarely heard in all of our years together. I didn’t know what to say to her, my tongue suddenly felt too large for my mouth and my hands started to sweat. I felt like I was burning up from the inside and my heart was surely coming out of my chest now. Could Sasha and Eden hear how hard it was pounding because it was the only noise in my own ears now. I felt like I couldn’t get a deep enough breath and I stood up suddenly, panicked and looking for the exit. “I’m, I’m sorry. I have to go.” With that I darted towards the door and half running left the waiting room and Eden behind. My vision began to tunnel as I searched for the exit door in the office building. Finally, I saw the exit and crashed through the glass doors taking deep gulping breaths of air. I sat down on the ground and put my head between my knees praying I wouldn’t pass out. “what the fuck was that?” I asked out loud. I heard someone else forcefully fly through the exit doors but didn’t look up. Within a second Eden crashed to the ground next to me. She ran her hands all over me frantically as if she thought she would find an open wound. “Kane, sweetheart? Are you ok? I’m so sorry baby, I’m so so sorry.” Eden was crying, near hysterical. I pulled myself together, she needed me. I sat up straight and gathered her in my arms. “It’s ok baby, it’s not your fault. I don’t know what happened in there. I just got confused and then my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was going to die for a minute there. I have felt sort of like this before, mild dizziness, sweaty palms, but this I don’t know what this was.” Eden just hugged me tighter and I heard the door open again, not as frantically this time. “It’s called a panic attack” Sasha said, standing back in the doorway to give us some modicum of privacy. “You weren’t dying” she continued.” But I know it felt like you were and that’s scary. If you want to come back inside, get a glass of water we can talk about it. I can help you; I promise.” I looked up at Sasha while I kept my hold on Eden. I was about to say no, that I wanted to go home, but when I looked at her the words died in my throat. She truly looked concerned for me and for Eden and instinctively I trusted her. I nodded my head and Sasha went back inside the building giving Eden and I a moment to collect ourselves. “Come on baby, let’s go back” I nudged Eden and she rose and wiped her face on her sleeve. “I’m sorry Kane, I…” “No, no it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything. I think there is just so much inside, of both of us that sometimes it explodes out” I made an explosion noise and spread my arms wide. Eden laughed which was what I was going for. She came to me and put her arms around my waist. I hugged her back tightly. “I think she can help us Kane, I really do.” I nodded and kissed the top of her head. “Me too baby. Me too.”