Although their particular brand of love wouldn’t work for me, I longed to find someone who got me as completely as they understood and cared about each other.
I wanted what Nana and Michael found together. The easy love and friendship Nathan and Holly shared. I wanted the easy camaraderie and companionship I experienced with Tyler. Not just as roommates, but as friends and partners.
As difficult as it had been for me to realize that I was fine on my own, that I didn’t need a partner, it was just as tough to admit that it was also okay to want to be with someone. Freedom to be alone meant freedom to choose not to be alone, too. My life was great, I could live fully and happily without a romantic partner. But a romantic partner would enhance certain aspects of my life, and I wanted one. Not just “a partner,” generically. I missed Tyler.
I loved waking up and sharing breakfast with him and Nana and Michael in the mornings when he joined us. I loved hearing him and Nana gardening together on the weekends while I worked in the office. I loved that we liked the same games, and the way he gave up his time to help me talk through a problem when I got stuck. I loved that we watched the same streamers on Twitch, the way he enjoyed baked goods with gusto, the way he always ordered extra takeout for me even when I wasn’t home. He fit into my life so seamlessly that the loss of his presence exposed a gaping hole I’d never known existed, and I wanted him back. Not just as a friend and roommate, but as something more.
The time had come to make my move, because I owed it to myself to give us a chance.
Once upon a time, Tyler wanted to be with me. Over the summer, he knew how much I valued our friendship, but I’d hidden my developing attraction. Maybe part of me wanted him to sense it, to feel the change and say something, which was ridiculous. I couldn’t fault Tyler for respecting my feelings when I said no rather than continuing to push. Especially not when I faulted other guys for doing exactly the opposite. He couldn’t read my mind.
At this point, I didn’t have any idea how he felt. He was in a relationship, and maybe he was happy. But he deserved to know the truth. He’d defended Megan against his roommate, like any good boyfriend. He couldn’t know I wanted to be with him. I couldn’t decide for him whether we would have a future together.
All of a sudden, I needed to talk to him. I could text him or send a video chat, but some messages needed to be delivered in person.
Before I could overthink things any more, I turned to Cody. “Where does Tyler live now?”
“He’s been sleeping on our couch.”
“He’s not staying at Megan’s?”
Cody and Gwen exchanged a glance. Finally she said, “I think they’ve been having some issues.”
The wave of relief that hit me at her revelation surely made me a terrible friend, but he was much better off without her. “I need to see him. Do you know if he’s home?”
He shrugged. “Want me to find out? I can text him.”
“No, that’s okay. Thanks.” I worried my lower lip between my teeth for a minute, staring at the game board without seeing it. Then I leaned forward and plucked my piece off the board. “You guys finish without me. I’ve got something I have to do.”
* * * *
Boston traffic crawled at the best of times, but now that I had somewhere important to go, it came to a complete standstill. After watching the same traffic light cycle three times without moving an inch, I seriously considered getting out of my car and taking the T to Cambridge.
Unfortunately, the Red Sox were playing one of their final home games of the regular season, so public transit would be a total zoo.
At least the parking gods smiled on me. Once I finally made it to my destination, a massive SUV left a spot right in front of Gwen and Cody’s building. Pulling into the giant parking space felt like a victory before even speaking with Tyler. It had to be a good sign.
My heart thundered in my ears as I skipped up the steps and knocked on the door. What if he wasn’t there? What if he looked through the peephole and refused to answer after seeing it’s me? What if—
The door creaked open.
—he answered the door wearing nothing but a pair of rather tight workout shorts? Hello, Tyler. If possible, my heart beat faster.
“Hi.” His voice lacked any emotion whatsoever. He might have been greeting someone passing out ads for a funeral home.
Not the reception I’d hoped for. My stomach dropped into my toes. Even when he moved out, it never occurred to me that our friendship couldn’t be salvaged. All I did was try to save him from being with the wrong person. He never even gave me a chance to explain why he needed saving. Just cut me off.
Driving out here had been a huge mistake. Tyler didn’t want me. But the little voice that got me out here in the first place spurred me on.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.
“Go on.” He stepped backward, leaving the door open. I followed him into the living room and perched on the edge of the couch. He hovered near the door to the kitchen. “Want something to drink? Water?”
I shook my head, then immediately realized that a long conversation would be easier if I wasn’t so parched. Too late. I didn’t know how to tell Tyler that my feelings for him had evolved over the past few months. My crush on him grew stronger every day. Too often, I lay in bed at night thinking about him, wishing he weren’t in a relationship. With a deep breath, I went over the words I’d practiced so many times on the drive over.
“During the conference, I realized that I’d been developing an attraction for you. We’ve been friends for so long, it snuck up on me. That’s why I was so rude to Liz when she started talking to you. I lied—absolutely, I was jealous. You flirting with another woman bothered me, even though you had no reason to think it would.”
“I wasn’t flirting—”
“I know. I get it now. But at the time, I thought you were. Everything stemmed from me freaking out. Realizing that I missed out on a good thing when I turned you down really threw me for a loop.”
He wrinkled his brow. “But you said you couldn’t feel attraction.”
“Not without that deeper connection, no. But we have that now. Our friendship has evolved since you moved in with me. Or at least, I thought so.”
“Yeah.” Finally, I got the hint of a smile. “I thought so, too. Things were good.”
I let out a sigh. “What happened? Why did you leave?”
“Two things,” he said. “One, I decided to make things work with Megan. Maybe I should have told you, but I didn’t think you’d want to hear it, especially with that stupid Pact. You were right; she didn’t like us living together. We argued about me never inviting her over; we argued when she showed up uninvited that one night.”
Right before stealing my password. But this wasn’t the moment to tell him. Not when things were still so uncertain.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Maybe moving in while you were dating her was a mistake after all.”
“I don’t think so,” he said. “Things were great for a while.”
“True,” I admitted. “You were an amazing roommate. You’re kind, you’re considerate. You never leave the toilet seat up. And you helped me kick Dennis’s ass at Construct Me, not to mention all your help with Speak Easy. No one else could have done that.”
He smiled, flashing those perfect white teeth. “That guy is the absolute worst. Handing his ass to him was my pleasure.”
I laughed. “That was one of the greatest moments of my life. I’ve missed you.”
“Are you asking me to move back in? Honestly, I miss you. But Megan would flip, especially after you got her fired.”
“She told you about that?”
“Yeah.”
“Did she tell you why?”
“I didn’t ask,” he said. “Since we’re not roommates anymore, it didn’t matter. But it’s another reason I ca
n’t move back in. I can’t be entirely comfortable knowing how you feel about someone who matters this much to me.”
My heart sank as he spoke. I’d driven over here based on the assumption that his feelings for me still existed somewhere between the surface. Now it sounded like I was too late.
All of a sudden, I couldn’t figure out how to tell Tyler the one thing that most needed to be said. He was so caught up in Megan’s web, everything I said against her only allowed her to tighten her hold. Maybe once he knew how I felt, that I spoke entirely out of love for him, he would accept the truth more easily. This wasn’t about me not liking her. It was about him deserving the best.
Words utterly failed me. Everything I wanted to say rang false in my ears.
Oh, well. Actions speak louder than words, right? Without another thought, I launched myself into his arms, and I kissed him.
He stiffened, then pulled back. “What are you doing?”
Oh, no. Definitely not the reaction I wanted. “I told you. Ever since the conference, I find myself attracted to you. More every day.”
“Thank you,” he said.
Ouch. That didn’t sound promising at all. “You’re welcome?”
“We have the worst timing.” He sighed. “The thing is, like I said, I’m trying to make things work with Megan.”
“I know, but I also know you used to have feelings for me. I thought some of that still existed. You needed to know that things had changed, that I want to be with you. Megan’s not right for you at all. I am.”
“Right,” he said. “I get that you only started to find me attractive once I found someone else and now you want to sabotage our relationship. I appreciate you coming over, but you should go.”
My ears must be deceiving me. After everything we’d been through? She’d gotten her hooks into him too deeply. Desperation filled my voice. “It’s not like that, Tyler. I can’t switch it on and off. My feelings have nothing to do with Megan. She would be wrong for you even if I hadn’t had this epiphany.”
“So you say.”
“You really don’t want to hear what happened? You want to walk away from this? From everything?”
“From everything? I don’t know. Maybe we can still be friends. I’ll see you at the store. But I can’t be your roommate, and we can’t be anything more. It’s too late.”
What was even happening? I’d played this scene in my head endlessly on the way over, but never once had it gone this badly. “I thought you understood that it takes time for me to develop an attraction to someone. It can’t happen based solely on physical appearance.”
“I do understand,” he said, “but I couldn’t wait forever. I’ve moved on. I’m sorry.”
“Wait,” I said desperately. “There are things you need to know. About Megan.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be like that. You’re better than this.”
Again, he was shutting me down. He didn’t care about what I had to tell him. It’s true what they say: There are none so blind as those who will not see. Stupid. I’d badly miscalculated. I should have told him the truth about her before mentioning my feelings. That way, he wouldn’t have assumed jealousy motivated me. But it was too late now. Willing my legs not to shake, I moved away, needing increased space between us.
“So what happens now?” I asked.
“Now? You go home, I finish my workout. I order dinner and go back to looking for my own place. You work on your games. We lead our own lives. Maybe we’ll see each other once in a while, and that’s cool. If not, that’s cool, too. We’re adults. It’s time to move on.”
My heart broke, but there was nothing left to say. Megan had sucked him in too deep. So I stared at him, letting the seconds tick by. He met my eyes with an unwavering gaze. I listened to the beat of the music emanating from the neighbor’s apartment for what felt like an eternity.
Nana once said that some people come into our lives and stay. These people become our friends, our chosen family. Others pass through, teaching us what we need to learn at the time our paths cross. Tyler came into my life when I needed a roommate, a muse. He helped me create a new game I loved, and he pushed me to start my own business.
Now it was time for our paths to diverge. I’d go home, make cupcakes, and cry. Then go to sleep, get up, start working tomorrow, and kick some ass. I’d make more board games. Like he said, we’d move on.
Separately. I wouldn’t beg him to listen. I wouldn’t ask Gwen or Cody or anyone else to intervene, to tell him the truth. Sooner or later, Megan would show her true colors, and Tyler would leave her. But I wouldn’t force him to see the truth. It killed me to know she would hurt him, sooner or later, but he’d made his choice.
Finally, I broke eye contact and turned away.
Epilogue
“Love can be a giant pain in the butt. It’s also worth it.” —Nana
Two months later…
BoardGameNerd Con had been great, but Northeastern Gamer Con blew it out of the water. For one thing, I’d brought my extremely talented partner along with me, so we didn’t have to deal with awkward sexual tension or unresolved jealousy. Even better, my lawyer brother had helped me negotiate a very lucrative distribution agreement with Board Game Giants, Inc. That deal gave Gaming Plus the influx of cash we needed to keep the doors open and paid for us to attend the conference.
Being allowed to present my games here thrilled me to the core, even if no one showed any interest. But on Friday morning, Ryan and I had lovingly unpacked about a hundred copies of The Haunted Place. By the time lunch rolled around on Saturday, five copies remained. Although Gwen started out as a travel blogger, as she gained popularity, she occasionally spoke about her life and other areas of interest. She blogged the entire American Board Game Championship a couple of years ago, so the online gaming community knew her. Her post the day The Haunted Place went up for preorder got tens of thousands of hits, and we’d received hundreds of orders. Now, two months later, conference goers couldn’t wait to pick up their copies. The game had already succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.
Beside me, Ryan chuckled at a video of Zoe and Preston, sent by Tessa. They were taking things slowly, but their relationship seemed to be going well. Luckily, dog and child bonded instantly. Tessa was ecstatic to dog-sit during the conference. I turned to ask Ryan to show me the video again when a tall, dark head caught my attention through the crowd.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Hmmm,” I said absently.
Of course, everything had to be okay. There wasn’t a single reason in the world Tyler would be at this convention. As much as he loved games, he’d only gone to BoardGameNerd Con because I’d won the free passes. I must be hallucinating.
We hadn’t spoken since the day he turned me down. A couple of days later, I mailed him a refund check for his security deposit, ready to put the entire non-relationship behind me. Some life lessons hurt worse than others, but I’d learned a lot about staying out of other people’s relationships. Tyler deserved so much better than Megan, but he didn’t want better. I only hoped he figured out the truth before she destroyed him.
Still, every day, something reminded me of him. Two weeks after he’d moved out, I found a note he’d left near the bottom of my tea canister, reminding me to buy more. A week after that, I found his missing Xbox controller on top of the fridge. I’d left it in Gwen and Cody’s new apartment, trusting them to get it back to him.
If Tyler had come to visit them, he’d done it when I wasn’t home. But even seeing Cody made my heart ache, as he reminded me of his friend. I wondered what could have been with Tyler if I’d handled things differently.
“Earth to Shannon,” Ryan said. “Come in, Shannon.”
“Sorry. What?”
“I said, I’m going to lunch. Do you want anything?”
I shook my head. “I’ll go out and grab
something when you get back.”
“Okay. I won’t be long.”
“Take your time. I’m not hungry yet.” With luck, by the time he returned, I’d have seen the owner of the close-cropped black curls I currently strained to glimpse again. Confirmation that at least two black men in the world wore that same haircut might help me get my mind off Tyler. If it didn’t, I’d want a very large whiskey with lunch after Ryan came back.
He disappeared into the crowd with a smile and a wave. I watched him go, thinking about how much he’d changed. Still indisputably the same lovable guy, but now he walked with a quiet confidence he hadn’t possessed before we started Gaming Plus.
He seemed more comfortable in his own skin. Personally, I enjoyed being able to walk around our office without seeing bikini pictures on screensavers or getting leered at or insulted. Once in a while I wondered how the environment at BGG changed after we left, if Dennis got the promotion after all, but I felt sure I’d made the right decision.
My phone pinged on the table beside me, and I picked it up to find a new email. Nathan and Holly had posted about a dozen new pictures on Tinybeans, an invite-only social media site for displaying photos and videos of your children. At three weeks old, Mariah’s smile lit up the screen. Every day, my heart melted at the sight of her. Her laugh shook off the remaining dregs of melancholy that tried to sink its hooks into me when I spotted the guy who reminded me of Tyler.
Whoever it was still hadn’t passed by again when Ryan returned carrying a sandwich.
“You didn’t have to get your food to go,” I said. “You could have taken an hour to eat somewhere else. I can manage on my own for a bit.”
“I know you can,” he said. “But I spotted something amazeballs, and you should see it.”
My ears perked up. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. Some dude over there set up a booth, but he’s only selling a single copy of his game.”
I deflated. For a split second, I’d been hoping he’d also seen the guy who resembled Tyler and came back to tell me he’d shown up. Stupid. “That’s not that weird at this point in the conference. He probably sold out.”
Make Your Move Page 22