by Paula Mabbel
I was right. “The bastard!” I muttered, watching Mark passionately kiss a girl before leaving to his dorm.
My first instinct was to follow him and show him how to treat a girl, but thought better of it. The last thing I needed was a civilian record and I could kiss that military housing approval goodbye.
Besides, I felt strangely happy to have discovered Mark’s dirty secret.
“Well, it wouldn’t be a secret anymore.”
I pulled my phone out and dialed Lindsey. I knew from watching my mother that not knowing was worse than living with the suspicion. It had destroyed her self-esteem and she had not been able to hold onto a relationship since the divorce. I wasn’t going to let that happen to Lindsey.
“Is that the only reason?” a foreign thought popped into my head as Lindsey picked up.
“Hey, Adam!” I heard her happy voice.
“We need to talk.”
LINDSEY
I had been tossing and turning for hours, unable to fall asleep. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a restful night.
Thinking of Adam kept me up and tortured my soul.
“What will I do?”
It was clear as day to me that I had feelings for him. And what was even more clear was the fact that I was using Mark to forget about the mess in my head. I wouldn’t have admitted that if not for the dissatisfaction I was left with after every interaction with my boyfriend.
He was Mark, and who I wanted was Adam.
“What will I do?” was the question of the day.
Then, Adam called. He wanted to talk to me. Maybe it was a sign.
Even the thought of confessing to him made my stomach flip; my hands were going cold, my head was spinning, and I was on the brink of crying.
“This cannot go on like this. I need to do something.”
First things first, I was happy to see Adam. I was intrigued by his request to meet, especially since it was the middle of the night, but I couldn’t get ahead of myself.
I got dressed and got into my car. As I drove to the coffee shop where Adam was waiting for me, I went over everything I knew so far.
“Don’t they say boys pick on the girls they like?”
He hated me the better part of two months; check.
Then, there was his sudden change of heart, and him taking care of me lately.
So he felt protective; check.
Despite the fact that he wasn’t a man of many words, I could see that he didn’t like Mark.
Jealousy? Maybe; check.
But it couldn’t be possible. These feelings were disgusting, right? He was a good man; he would never let something like this happen to him.
“No. I must not make a fool of myself. I must keep my feelings in check,” I told myself, although I knew that meant I had to suffer. But that’s what I got for falling for my step brother.
My hands were sweaty when I parked the car in front of the coffee shop. I stood up straight and walked into the shop, nonetheless. Adam was waiting for me.
“Hey,” I said and sat down. I hid my shaky hands under the table.
“Hey. You look tired.”
“Couldn’t sleep. What is it?”
He looked down, visibly uncomfortable with what he was about to tell me. I waited a full minute, watching him breathe in and out, like he was trying to choose his words carefully.
“I... This is so fucking hard to say,” he mumbled.
“Oh, my God!” I blurted out. He felt the same thing and was trying to tell me! The happiness that took over me warmed my core and gave me courage.
I reached for his hand.
“It’s alright,” I said softly and smiled. “You don’t need to be embarrassed.”
He looked at me and squinted.
“I understand how hard it is to say it. But it’s alright. It might help if you knew I feel the same way.”
“What?”
“OK. I’ll say it first, then.”
He frowned and tried to pull his hand back. I tightened my grip; he wasn’t running away from his feelings this time.
“I have feelings for you. There, I said it. I think I fell for you. I don’t know how it happened or...”
“Mark is cheating on you,” he blurted.
My heart froze as time stood still around me. Suddenly, everything was clear.
He wasn’t about to confess his feelings. He was telling me that I was a scorned woman.
I couldn’t move, I wanted to die.
The last shred of the illusion that all was just a bad dream broke when he stood up and left. Then, everything came back to a cruel reality.
“Oh, my God. What have I done?”
ADAM
I loved my new car. I had bought it used on an incredible deal. It run smoothly, it looked clean, and it made me feel like the king of the world. I had it for two weeks and I was already hooked.
I was cleaning the trunk, waiting for Mom to get ready. She was having lunch with Mike and I had to drop off some fishing books my father had left, so I was driving her.
“Making that car brand new, honey?”
“No, Mom. I left some trash in there the other day. Done now. Ready?”
“Yes.”
We got into the car and I started the engine. The sound of it, like purring in my ears, made me smile.
“Oh, Lindsey just texted me. She’s coming too.”
Hearing her name broke down all the walls I had put up. I had managed to avoid thinking about her successfully for the last two weeks but, in just a split second, I was back to zero.
I held my breath for a few seconds, trying to contain the feelings flooding my brain; confusion, anger, shame, all mangled into one single ball of fire wreaking havoc inside.
“Are you alright, honey?”
“Yeah. I just remembered that I need to meet with my CO.”
“Sure, honey.”
“I meant now, Mom.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“What’s really going on, Adam? You never forget about a meeting.”
“Nothing, Mom. But you know I need the reference for the housing application. Besides, he needs to brief me about my next assignment.”
I was lying. I wasn’t meeting with him, but I was starting to think I should.
“New assignment? When were you going to tell me about that?”
“I just found out myself.”
“When are you leaving?”
“I don’t know, that’s why I need to meet with him.”
She sighed. “Give me the books.”
I felt bad for what I was doing, but I couldn’t see Lindsey. Not after the incident. The knot in my stomach was almost impossible to control as it was, facing her would’ve been unpleasant to say the least.
I watched my mother get out of the car, grab the stack of books and move them into her truck. She left without a word and I couldn’t blame her.
“At least she seems happy with Mike lately,” I told myself.
Since his accident, he had been working less and staying home more. That seemed to be the perfect excuse for Mom to drop by more often.
Taking care of him was good for her. They seemed to have rekindled their love and I was happy for her. Dealing with my rudeness couldn’t have been too hard for her, she knew me.
And I was going to move out soon anyway, so I didn’t have to create this tension between us for long. I was certain my application would be approved.
With that in mind, I drove off. I didn’t need to meet with my commanding officer, but I needed a friend and he was always up for a beer and a game of pool.
All I had to do was contain the confusion and push Lindsey out of my mind before I met with him. He always read me inside and out and the last thing I needed was a heart to heart talk with my CO.
He’d just laugh in my face, make me drop to the floor and give him twenty, then get me as drunk as it gets.
“Come to think of it, that sounds like a good idea.”
LINDSEY
“OK, you pick something to do. You don’t want to watch a movie and order take-out, fine. Tell me what you want to do?” Mark asked, not even the smallest hint of exasperation in his voice.
I had been objecting to every suggestion he had put forward so far and he hadn’t even moved a muscle.
“What about the shooting range? You have a permit, and I can get one.”
“The shooting range? What, now Adam’s military head weirdness is rubbing off on you, babe?”
“Excuse me?”
I had been fairly calm the entire evening, but something was still on my nerves. Besides the fact that Adam had told me Mark was cheating. But if I was to think of that, I had to live through the embarrassment I had put myself through that night again.
“I hate guns. My dad made me get that permit, before he left on another one of his business trips. I hate the fucking thing, you know that. Next.”
“Fine. What about running?”
“Are you serious?”
“What?”
“What’s going to be next? Boot camp?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He stood up and ran a hand over his face, the first time I was seeing him lose composure.
“Don’t you see what you’re trying to do?”
“I’m not trying to do anything,” I defended myself. I really didn’t see what his point was.
“Come on! You’re trying to make me do things Adam would do. You’re trying to make me into Adam.”
“That’s not true.” My words said one thing, but my mind was already spinning in another direction. Why couldn’t Mark be more like Adam?
“Oh, my God,” I whispered. I was actually doing it.
“You can’t deny it, Lindsey. I mean, think about it! All these things? And before? Trying to convince me to go fishing with your dad? You want me to be Adam.”
I sat quietly, trying to consider my options. I was seeing my ways now, I had been trying to made Mark more like Adam, but I didn’t know how I got there.
I was avoiding him every chance I got, and when I couldn’t, Adam did a pretty good job at avoiding me. So, why was I doing this?
“Of all the guys out there, you pick Adam. He’s your brother, for suck’s sake! That’s disgusting, Lindsey,” Mark kept berating me. He was finally opening up, as they call it.
In any other circumstances I would’ve been more than happy to see him finally talk, finally sharing with me, but now? I couldn’t care less.
“Look, I mean, I don’t understand it, but I am willing to try. OK? So, when you decide what the Hell is happening in that head of yours, you come to me and tell me what you chose. I’m outta here.”
“You’re cheating on me,” I said as he was putting his jacket on. He stopped midair and shot me a surprised look.
“What?” he had the guts to ask.
“So, I’ve decided,” I continued, ignoring his question. “You’re leaving and I’m not going to come after.”
I was still looking at the floor when he finally exploded.
“That’s a lie! Did he tell you that? Adam? He’s a fucking liar! I never cheated on you.”
“You’re leaving,” I insisted, quietly.
“Fuck you, and fuck Adam, and fuck the sick, twisted thing that you two have. Fuck you!” he shouted, then slammed the door. I flinched at the sound but remained seated.
“It’ll come to me,” I told myself, gripping the edge of the bed. Calmness will come, and everything would be alright again.
But it didn’t. I started crying in silence, the situation too hard to bear.
I hadn’t been on trial, but I had lost on both counts. Now, I was running away from Adam, while Mark was fleeing in disgust.
I was alone. Completely alone, but that was on me. I had to bear the consequences, and I had to move forward.
If I only knew how to do that. I could barely stand up from my bed, let alone face another day. I felt completely pathetic.
ADAM
After such a good evening run, all I needed was a hot shower and I was good for a full night’s sleep.
I walked into the living room and started for the stairs. Too absorbed with the music in my ears, I didn’t see the suitcase until I hit it with my foot.
“What the...?”
Next to it, there were a couple more.
“Mom?” I called out. “What’s this?”
“I’m in the kitchen,” she shouted back.
“What’s going on?” I asked again, turning the corner into the kitchen.
Mom was scrubbing the sink, looking very busy. I knew there must’ve been something on her mind; if not for the strange pile of suitcases in the hallway, every time she was obsessively cleaning the kitchen sink was a sure sign she was upset.
“Mom?”
She scrubbed for a few more seconds, then turned to me.
“I’m moving back with your grandmother, honey.”
“You are?”
“Yes.”
“And the house?”
“I’m renting it out. I already have people lined up.”
I knew she was waiting for me to ask where I would be living, but I didn’t. I could take care of myself.
“Did you break up with Mike?” I asked instead.
She nodded. “But it’s not that. We weren’t working out anyway. I’m too... clingy and I can’t deal with his ex--always hanging around. It’s just the way I am; plus, we agreed it was best if we went our separate ways.”
“OK, that sounds decent. So why the relocation?”
“He’s going to a private health resort in California and I thought it was a good time for me to be with my mother. She’s sick, you know? I want to be with her.”
“Sure. And Lindsey?”
I didn’t know why I was asking, but I wanted to know. Judging by Mom’s raised eyebrows at my sudden interest, there was no turning back from this point anyway.
“I’d imagine she’s going with her father.”
“But she’s a student here!”
“Yes, but credits can be transferred. And, she has been unhappy over the last few weeks anyway. Besides, son, that’s what family does, it sticks together. Maybe you should follow her example.”
“What? Come live with you and gran?”
“Why not? You can’t afford rent here with your salary and I am renting the house. I’ve quit my job so I need the money.”
“I don’t need you to leave the house for me, Mom. And I’ve applied for housing on the base. You know that?”
“So you’d rather live in barracks than with your grandmother and me?”
“What barracks? I’ve applied for a house.”
She rolled her eyes and threw the sponge in the sink. “You know they only approve houses to couples or families. They won’t give you a house. Be realistic!”
“That’s not true.”
It couldn’t be. I was a soldier, and I had served my country proudly; they had to give me a place to live. They had to approve the place I had requested.
“Even you don’t think much of your odds,” Mom remarked before resuming her sink scrubbing.
I had to see my CO about this. I felt it was a matter so pressing, I didn’t even stay to take a shower. I jumped into my car and drove off in a hurry.
As soon as I hit the road, it was like I had pressed a button. Every time I found myself alone in the car, I started soul searching, and tonight was no different.
Only that this time, it was the sort of searching I was trying my hardest to push back, keep it locked into the recesses of my mind.
But Lindsey kept popping up in my head. It was always her, always tormenting my thoughts with her attractive looks, her smarts, her forward thinking and her feelings. “Those feelings...”
Instead of doing something about them, instead of dealing with the matter, I had run away like a coward. I never ran away, I always confronted even the most difficult situation and the stubbornest demon.
&nb
sp;