by Paula Mabbel
"We come here to make sure that our mind is on the right path, and that our hearts are in the right place. Sometimes, though, it can be difficult to see what is right. Sometimes even with all we know and all that we have learned, the right choice isn't easy to see. In those times, we need to consult those who have been where we haven't. We must seek out wisdom from our elders, from the good book, and from Gott. We must silence the emotions and physical constraints that confuse our minds and muddy the truth. We must listen to that quiet voice that speaks calmly in a still and reserved tone to our innermost souls."
He John looked over to Grace and let his fingers touch hers on the couch where they were sitting, and giving her a glance that made her smile.
"For those of us who are still young, it is important that we listen to Gott's words, that we don’t let fear paralyze use, that we don't let sin distract us. We must pray and follow the words and customs that we know to be just, good, and true. And we should remember the parable of the talents.
"We are each blessed with our own gifts from Gott. And Gott wants us to find and use those gifts. We all know what is out in the world, but we must be among those who lack the knowledge and wisdom of our elders. It's necessary to learn how to overcome the lies and distractions of darkness. We must use our Gott-given gifts to provide for ourselves and those in need, and once we learn how to do that on our own, we can return again to be a foundation upon which others can learn and build."
After the sermon, Grace and John mingled with the people there, and then they left to talk outside in the yard. She took his hand and gripped in tightly. John had talked so much about how he would miss her, and she knew he was worried about someone catching her eye while she was away.
Now, though, Grace had the same feeling. She had hidden it deep within her, underneath her own jokes and actions. For the first time, she let the worry well up inside her. The moment had finally arrived, and it was a lot harder than she expected.
Grace could feel a loss within her, even though John was still right there beside her. She felt the seconds pass with unholy quickness, and she knew that in a few hours she would not see him for week, months, or more. She had insisted that they not talk about where they would go or what they would do, but now she wanted to scream. She wanted to say everything that he had been saying just a couple of weeks ago.
It was a mistake, she thought, to keep all this hidden. He had been right all along. Her heart started pounding, and she felt the words trying to come out of her mouth, but every time she wanted to say it, she couldn't. It was like she was paralyzed, like somebody had made her a mute. But she had to. She had to let him know that she had been wrong all this time, that he wasn't silly or insecure to say the things he said or do the things he did. She felt the same way all along.
"I'm going to miss you," John said as he placed his hands on her shoulders.
"I’m going to miss you, too. Are you going to come back for me?" she asked.
John smiled. He thought she was joking, throwing his own words back at him. She didn't smile, though. If she had been joking, she didn't let him know it. Maybe it was her way of making him feel better, he thought. Their time was almost up, but the last few days had given him a strength and resolve he felt was missing just a week ago. She was being polite is all, but he was grateful for it. She was trying to make him feel better, to let him know that she would be back, and that she loved him and was just as worried about him as he was worried about her.
"Of course, but I can't say when exactly."
*****
The fall gave way to spring, and John was now adjusting to his new life in Pittsburgh. He had thought about moving to Philadelphia first, but decided against it once he found the program he was interested in, the Woodworking and Trades Academy of the Mid Atlantic.
He spent most of the fall in a nearby town with a few other Amish boys from home who were also on Rumspringa. They all pitched in to pay for the two-bedroom apartment. It was basic, but more than John was used too. They even had a television, which John binge-watched the first couple of weeks before he started to feel guilty and think about what Grace might be doing.
His plan all along, though, was to learn a few new skills and become better at what he was already good at doing – using his hands and creating things. He wanted to use the time wisely, just like his daett said in the sermon that last day he was at his home.
The week before he moved to Pittsburgh, though, he got some troubling news.
"John, I just heard something I think you're going to want to hear," said Thomas, one of John's roommates.
"I was at the store, and I ran into one of our friends from home. They told me that Jesse and Grace had hooked up. He said he ran into them a couple weeks back and she was all over him."
John squinted his eyes, breathed deeply, and replied, "Sorry, but I don't believe that, not for a second."
"Why not? Didn't you say he was hitting on her at the festival? You yourself said she didn't push back on his advances. Doesn't that say something?"
"Come on, Thomas. Grace isn't like that. I mean, I've known her all my life. She's not that kind of person. She wouldn't do something like that. If she didn't like me anymore she would wait 'til we came back, and then she would tell me to my face she wasn't interested before she started dating some other person."
"Do you really believe that, John? Remember, we talked about this the last few weeks before we left. People change, especially people our age. We grow up a little, start to see what's out there, and then we decided we want to go after what we want."
"Thomas, now you're just pissing me off. Grace isn't that kind of girl. And even if she was, she wouldn't waste her time with that self-obsessed attention hog."
"Look, man, don't shoot the messenger. Believe what you want, but I'm just telling you what I heard. You can do with it what you want, but if I were you, I wouldn't sit around waiting for her anymore. You've got a free pass anyway to do whatever you want to do until you get back. From the sound of it, she is already doing what she wants."
"I'm not talking about this anymore."
"Fine, fine. Just think about it. Maybe you won't do anything about it now, but if you meet some hot girl when you go to Pittsburgh, you shouldn't feel guilty about acting on it. We're young, and you only live once. Make the most of it."
John reflected back on those words. They kept replaying over and over again in his mind. You only live once.
He hated it, though. It sounded like an excuse to be irresponsible and do stupid things the way Thomas said it. He knew he only had one life, at least until he died and went to Heaven, and he wanted to make sure he kept it that way.
John used to get so irritated by his daett and other parents during sermons when they went on and on about what was Gott's will and what was the right thing to do. He agreed with them, but the way it sounded when it came out their mouths irritated him. Now it was all he could hear. What was Gott's will? Was it to wait for Grace or did Gott have some other plan for him?
John had more time to think about things in Pittsburgh. He had his own place. It was even smaller than the place he shared closer to home with his friends, but it was empty, which made it feel a lot bigger. He almost broke down and bought a TV to add some noise, but he started missing home and thought the quiet might do him some good, even if it was a little lonely. By the time his classes started, he was glad he had the quiet when he did. Everything started to move so quickly.
"Hello, everyone. My name is Mr. Ramos. I know some programs like to let students figure things out on their own, but we do things a little differently here. You will have room for creativity, but I am a firm believer, in keeping with the philosophy of this school, that there are certain skills you need to learn before you can branch out and decide how you want your creativity to shine."
"Sounds like he's gonna be a boring teacher," the girl sitting next to John said.
He hadn't noticed her. He had his eyes glued to the instructor after he r
eligiously read through the syllabus. He was looking forward to the class, and so far the instructor hadn't said anything other than what he already believed.
John turned his head and then looked at the girl who was speaking to him. She looked experienced, wordly, but also radiant. The dark lipstick she wore brought out the flecks of light brown and green in her eyes. He had to turn away after a few seconds to make sure he didn't stare too long.
*****
"What is it about boys?" Karen asked.
"What do you mean?" Grace said.
"You know, they try to show off, pretend like they're king of the world, but they never bother to do the important things like remember your birthday or your favorite color.They're so worried about puffing themselves up, but never bother to listen and find out what a girl might be interested in," Karen replied.
"I don't know. I don't think all guys are like that. I know one who's not."
"Just one? And you don't mean John Yoder,do you?"
"Does it matter?"
"Kind of. John Yoder doesn't count. He too nice."
"How can you be too nice?" Grace asked.
"Don't play stupid. You know how you can be too nice. If a guy falls all over you, it's just as bad as if he doesn’t pay attention. It means he's too needy and insecure."
"I think maybe you've just gone out with too many bad boys. I prefer to be with a nice guy."
"Trust me. It gets really boring really quick."
"I love John. I don't need to be excited by some guy who's going to let me down. I want somebody who's kind and dependable."
"Girl, you really need to get around. You're too hung up on this guy. Have some fun while you still can," Karen said.
"Don't listen to her. You're right. She's dated too many bad guys and it always ends up the same. She dumps them or they dump her for someone else more exciting, or someone they think is more exciting. She's never going to find love," Stacey said.
"Who said anything about love? I'm only 17. I don't to fall in love just yet. We're too young for that," Karen replied.
Stacey shook her head.
"Grace isn't like you, Karen. She's a good girl, and she needs a nice guy. It's like two peas in a pod. Isn't that right Grace?" Stacey asked.
"Look over there. See something you like?" Karen said as she looked at the two boys who had just walked into the store.
"Are you kidding? No way. That guy Jesse is a big jerk," Grace replied.
"Maybe that's what you need, a little bit of a jerk. He's hot enough. If you don't want him, I'll take him."
"I'm not interested, and I told you I’m already with John."
"John isn't here," Karen said as she walked over the door to introduce herself.
A few moments later, Jesse walked up to Grace, grabbed her head with both his hands and planted a great big kiss on her lips.
"What the heck do you think you're doing, Jesse?" Grace said as she shoved Jesse in the chest and pushed him away.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that's what you wanted. You looked so sad and lonely. I thought you could use someone like me to cheer you up. Besides, I see John's not here. I figured you were lonely and could use someone with experience to give you a real kiss."
"You're disgusting, Jesse. Just get away from me."
"Suit yourself. There are plenty of girls around here who would love to have a guy like me, you know, strong, handsome, and gifted in other ways."
Grace grimaced. Jesse stepped back after he saw the volcano welling up inside her. When she spoke back to him, her pitch deepened, as did her eyes.
"Get away from me."
"Fine. I was just trying to be nice, anyway. I usually go after girls who are a little less plain."
Before she realized it, Grace's hand was striking Jesse's cheek. It left a prominent red mark the shape of a hand on the side of his face.
"Hey, what the heck was that for?" Jesse asked.
"What do you think? For being a presumptuous, self-absorbed jerk who thinks he can just go around kissing whoever he wants and then insulting them. I feel sorry for whoever ends up with you, assuming you can find someone who wants to stick around after they realize what a tool you are," Grace replied.
"Nice shot," Stacey said.
"I guess you were right. He is kind of a jerk. Bye bye, boys. You've been dismissed," Karen said as she waved her hands in front of their faces, instructing them to leave.
"Why did you have to bring them over?" Grace asked after the boys left.
"Sorry for wanting to help, Grace. I didn't realize they be such dolts," Karen replied.
"To be honest, I'm getting tired of Rumspringa. I thought I'd be having more fun, but I just miss John. I miss home. I miss my house. I even miss doing the chores on the farm," Grace said.
Karen gave her a quick hug.
"I'm sorry, Grace. I think maybe I just haven't done a good enough job of finding something fun for us to do. It's not like there's a lot to do around here anyway. I wish we were in New York," Karen said.
"No, that's not it. I just want to go back. I want things to be the way they were before. This isn't me. I miss home," Grace said.
*****
A few weeks later, Grace cut her leave short and returned back home to the farm house with her parents.
"Grace!" her mother shouted as she saw her walking up the steps of the front porch. She threw her arms around her, and gave her a long embrace and a kiss on the cheek.
"I missed you too, Maemm."
"You're back so soon. Is everything okay?"
"Yes, everything's fine. I just missed home. Nothing was what I expected it to be. I mean, I didn't expect much, but I was hoping to at least have a little fun. I just was bored the whole time. The girls I was staying with seemed to be having all the fun for me. I feel kinda bad."
"Honey, you shouldn't feel bad. Everybody who goes through this feels a little differently. Some people get homesick right away. Others never come back. That's just the way it is. I never had any doubts you would come back. It just means this is where you belong, here with your friends, family, and community."
Grace smiled.
"I am glad to be back."
Grace's daett gave her a hug as well.
Several weeks passed, and Grace got back in the routine she was used to all her life. She woke up right after the cocks began to crow. She straightened her room, did her chores, and helped her only other sibling with her homework.
More weeks passed, and the winter bled into spring. Grace still wasn't worried about John. She knew she had returned early, and most times it took a while longer for people to return.
Weeks turned into months, and then months turned into seasons. Before long, a year had passed, and then a year and a half. Grace had started to worry. She had started to worry several months ago, but now she was frantic.
The following day, Grace arrived at the Yoder's house.
"Grace, it's so nice to see you again. It's been too long. What brings you by?" Mr. Yoder asked.
"I'm just wondering if you heard from John recently. He's been gone for a long time now. I'm starting to think he might not be coming back."
"Well, I just spoke with him a few weeks ago on the phone shed. He hasn't said when he plans on returning, but he said he was doing really well. He is studying at the school for crafts and woodworking. He's just busy. I have a feeling he'll be back before you know it," Mr. Yoder replied.
Grace gave a half-hearted smile. "He said he was doing really well," was all she heard. Why was he doing really well? Who was he doing really well with? It was John after all who wanted to come back soon. He had been the one worried about when she would return, but now he was the one who was gone.
Grace returned home, and she resigned herself to the edge of her bed. She knelt down in prayer and looked up at the ceiling.
"Dear Gott, I don't know what else you want from me. I have behaved properly, like a young woman should. I didn't do anything crazy or betray you. I was honorable and pa
tient. I fear that John may have found someone else. I don't know if that is your intention, but I hope that it's not. I ask that you please return John to me. He has been gone so long already, but I miss him. I love him, and I know that he loves me, too. I fear, though, that if he stays much longer, someone else may steal his attention, if they haven't done so already.
"I know that I wasn't as good to him as I could have been before he left, and maybe that's my fault. Maybe that's why he is taking longer to return. I don't know if that is your punishment for me, for making him feel bad for wanting me to talk with him and tell him that I didn't plan on staying gone too long, but if that was your intention please know that I've learned my lesson. I shouldn't have made him feel that way, like he was being insecure or needy. I miss him, too. I miss him so much. Please Gott, please return him back to me."
Grace finished praying and returned to the field, the same field where she and John gazed up at the stars a little more than a week before she saw him for the last time. She found the constellation that they loved, and she wondered if he was looking at the same sky, if he was thinking of her. Maybe he had found someone to gaze up at the stars with, but she hoped that wasn't true. She remembered the way they locked each other’s fingers together and held each other, how the warmth of their embrace was more powerful than the hot July nights.
She stood there, alone, quiet, and deep in thought. She listened to the mating calls of the insects and loud sound of the crickets. The sky was so clear, and the field was black, empty yet filled with the wild noises of the tiny creatures. She could feel his phantom hands in hers, and remembered how it felt to be in his arms, standing next to him. Her mind was going crazy. She couldn't stand it one moment longer. His memory was torturing her. She was almost certain someone else had taken him away from her.
*****
Two years had come and gone. No longer did Grace look out the window every morning she woke up, or every time the sun was about to set. For the last few weeks, she gave up all hope. She still loved him, but she had come to terms with the fact that he must have found the affections of another, and he would not return to her.