by Paula Mabbel
“Oh trust me, sweetheart,” she giggled, “I was planning on it.”
*****
I sat by the water and watched the waves crash against the shore, feeling a peace I wasn’t sure I’d ever known. Life had certainly changed on me rather quickly.
Emily had surprised me with a spontaneous trip to the coast and I had to say it was the best gift I’d ever been given. We’d spent the majority of the week sightseeing, swimming and lying on the beach, her tanning and me attempting to prevent sunburn.
After our first night together I had feared an awkward living situation. It wasn’t like this was an arrangementI was accustomed to. Not only had I slept with my best friend, but it was my first time with a woman.
However, I’d woken up the next day and felt at peace. She was lying next to me, arms around me, and I felt safe and secure. Mostly, I’d felt happy.
I think she had feared much of the same as I had. That I was only seeking comfort and I would drift away, but it hadn’t happened. Instead, it seemed like things were more perfect than ever. I was truly falling in love with my best friend and she had obviously already felt that way.
Never in my life had I been in a relationship like this, one full of love and giving. Emily was constantly finding little ways to show me how much she loved me. Gifts that she knew I’d adore, plans to do things I’d never done. She was amazing and each day I believed I was lucky to have stumbled back into her life.
Bryant hadn’t contacted me or Bill since I’d dropped the fight. I was waiting patiently on the divorce to be finalized so that I could move on with my life. Em and I had decided to leave town. I was going to attend law school and she’d received a job offer in another state. We were going together to start over. I couldn’t wait.
“Sad we have to leave tomorrow,” she whispered as she took a seat beside me. “It’s perfect here.”
“It’s perfect anywhere that I’m with you,” I told her honestly. She had truly made my life better. “But yeah, back to the normal world kinda sucks.”
“I can’t believe I landed the amazing Aubrey Welch,” she teased. “It’s like every high school geek’s dream come true.”
“Em, you are far from a geek,” I reminded her.
“Maybe,” she agreed. “But you have to admit. The odds were never in my favor, being into girls and all.”
“It’s funny how the world works,” I laughed. “Many women joke about their divorces making them want to turn to women. Mine really did.”
“So, I was just a rebound to avoid asshole men?” she laughed, knowing that I wasn’t serious.
“Totally,” I lied, playing along. “It’ll pass when I find a man who knows how to do that little thing you do with your tongue.”
“I’m pretty safe, then.” She stood and held a hand down to help me up. “That’s a trade lesbian secret.”
“So, what? You guys have training?”
“We meet secretly once a week to discuss how to turn straight women to our side.” She squeezed my hand and we walked towards the hotel. “It takes a lot of work. I’m just lucky it happened so quickly.”
“What happens after you snag us?”
“Oh, that’s when it finally gets a little easier. We then start to sit around and demand you grab us beer and make a sandwich.”
“Well, I hope sandwiches are all you want. I’m not very savvy in the kitchen.”
“Oh, I know,” she laughed and pulled me up against her as we walked. “Thank God I know how to cook.”
“I really don’t have much to offer,” I reminded her. “I’m broke. I can’t cook. I don’t own anything.”
“Well, what can I say? I’m desperate.”
“I’m glad.” I put my arm around her waist. “I’d hate to think I missed out on this.”
“Aubrey?” She stopped and turned and looked at me. “I love you. Please don’t ever leave me.”
I’d never seen Emily look so vulnerable. Not even back in college when I’d abandoned her. It made me both happy and sad that she felt the need to say it.
“I won’t,” I assured her. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Taking my hand again, Emily turned to walk back to our hotel room. We had to pack and enjoy our last night before we headed back to our normal lives.
*****
“What are you doing here?” The words tumbled out, making me sound a lot less secure than I felt.
Bryant smiled down at me as he stood in the doorway of the apartment.
“Can we talk?” He stepped forward as if to walk in but I stood in front of him, blocking his way. “Come on, Aubrey, let me in. I just want to talk.”
“Funny,” I turned my head to the side. “All this time you’ve had nothing to say. What’s the matter, lawyer refuse to do your bidding this time?”
“I guess I deserve that,” he shrugged. “I still just want to talk to you.”
“About what? You won. You got everything,” I reminded him, anger filling me to the core.
“Not everything,” he said, almost as an afterthought.
“Fine.” I stood to the side. “You have ten minutes to say whatever it is that you want to say. Then you will leave.”
“Agreed,” he said, stepping past me and into the small living area of the apartment. I closed my eyes and said a silent thank you that Emily was not home. “Cute.”
“Get to the point, Bryant,” I instructed, making my way to the recliner so I could avoid sitting next to him on the sofa.
“I made a mistake,” he started, shocking me with his words.
“You made a lot of mistakes,” I corrected. “Which one are you referring to?”
“I don’t want the divorce.” He looked at me, and my breath caught in my throat.
“What?”
“I thought it was what I wanted. I was wrong. It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I miss you. I love you. I want us to work it out.”
“I had nothing to work out. I was happy. Clearly I was the only one.”
“No,” he told me. “I just…I got confused. It’s a lot, you know? Leaving college and becoming this. Keeping up with everything and everyone. It got to me. I needed to get away from it all.”
“So you chose to ditch the wife and not the clients and business?”
“I felt like…I don’t know.” He looked down at the floor. “It was like we weren’t even close. We barely saw each other. Somehow I believed that being with you was dragging me down. I was suffocating.”
“Well, you seem to be breathing fine now,” I pointed out.
“I was wrong, Aub,” he said again. “Please give me a chance to fix it.”
To say I was shocked would have been an understatement. I was beyond shocked. Just when I’d given up on my marriage and made new plans, he shows up. I was happy. I was falling in love. I was going to law school and moving away. I was okay.
Now he wanted to come back into my life. For me to take him back. Be my husband again. The nerve.
I listened as he talked to me for the next ten minutes. He explained a lot of things I hadn’t known were going on in his life. Things that made his actions and feelings very understandable. Yet all I could see was that I’d spent all this time married to a man who I didn’t even know.
If I’d known him, then I would have known what he’d been facing and dealing with.
Of course he played on the part of me that he knew was in there. Marriage was a commitment. For better or worse. We’d been dealing with worse. Now it was time to find better. He hit every sensitivity to divorce I’d ever held and I mentally chastised myself for sharing so much with him.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. No one was aware of Emily and the relationship I’d formed with her. I wasn’t ready for that yet. We’d kept it to ourselves and let it grow. But it was there and it was real.
Yet how would it look if my husband truly tried to fix things and I left to be with a woman? Did it matter how I looked?
; I loved Bryant. I always had. From the moment we’d met I had loved him. But I loved her. Tremendously. She made me happy. How did a person choose between the two? Old and new?
“Look what I found at—” Emily’s voice brought me out of my thoughts.
She had walked in the door before I had realized she was there. Bryant was sitting on the couch, looking at me and pleading for another chance. I was on the chair, trying to make sense of my thoughts.
“Bryant,” she acknowledged him as she closed the door behind her, looking very uncomfortable.
“Emily,” he replied. “It’s nice to see you.”
“I would say the same” — she looked at him, and then me — “if it were true.”
“Same Emily, I see,” he laughed. “I want to thank you for taking care of Aubrey.”
“I didn’t do it for you,” she replied.
“I know,” he said.
“So, why are you here?” she asked him. Looking at me her tone changed. “Are you okay?”
I nodded quietly, afraid to tell her why he was in our apartment and what he was saying and asking.
“I’m here to fix my mistake,” he said proudly. “I want Aubrey to give me another chance. Come back home. Let me make it up to her.”
Emily froze where she stood. The words had surprised her far more than they’d surprised me.
“Are you going to?” she asked, her heart on the line awaiting my answer.
I didn’t know what to say. I just looked up at her, our eyes speaking words that no one else could hear. I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t be dishonest.
“I don’t know.” My voice cracked as the words came out. “I don’t know what to do.”
*****
I felt the sun long before I opened my eyes and saw the beams of light. By my best guess it was before eight in the morning.
The apartment was silent, but I’d expected that. Bryant and Emily had left at almost the same moment. He went home, giving me time to think over what he was asking. She went to visit a cousin about an hour away, doing the same.
I hadn’t spoken to either of them. It was a decision that I had to make without the input of the two who were waiting for the answer.
I felt like a rope in a tug of war. Emily was on one side, offering me peace and love and happiness. Bryant was on the other side offering a different variation of love. Most would think that it was an easy decision, but most wouldn’t account for the biggest problem in the situation.
He was my husband. I’d made vows. I’d tried like hell to keep from throwing them away. Now he was asking for the same.
It really wasn’t about love to me. Not just love, anyway. It was about promises and commitments and all of the things I’d held sacred in my life.
At the same time, the feelings that I had for Emily were real. I’d questioned them a time or two, but I’d come to realize without a doubt that I absolutely loved her.
It was a tough boat to be in, and I had to figure out which way I was going to row, which side of the rope was going to win. I just didn’t know how to do that.
Mornings weren’t the same without her chipper smile as she tried to cram coffee down my throat. I found myself heading to the kitchen to make a pot even though I seldom drank it. The comfort of the act made me feel a little better.
Life had really changed for me since I’d moved in with her, and I realized that as I sat there alone. When Bryant left, I had been concerned about our marriage. Our vows. Divorce. Then who got what and how I’d make it without an income. I never thought about little moments that we’d had together. Things that made life normal.
Emily was a different story. Even turning on the television reminded me of the nights we’d sat curled up watching silly comedies and laughing. I wasn’t concerned about money or items or logistics. I just missed her.
How did one make a decision like that?
Truthfully, there was no decision to make. I knew that. I’d known that the night before when I’d said I needed time. It was a no brainer.
Sipping on the hot liquid that was far too bitter for my taste, I sent each of them a text. Neither knew the other was going to be there. I told them a time and that I’d like to talk to them and tell them what I’d decided to do.
I then went into the kitchen and cleaned up a little, debating trying to cook myself something and deciding it’d be safer to not. Picking up the phone I ordered a pizza and waited patiently for it to arrive.
I only had a few hours before they would be there. That gave me a little time to take a hot bath and relax, preparing myself for what was to come.
Those hours seemed to pass by quickly and I felt myself grow more nervous by the second. I was about to make the decision that would affect the rest of my life. It was cowardly to do this in front of them both, but I wasn’t sure I could handle the one-on-one aspect of it all. So I was taking the easy route.
Dressing carefully, I made sure to look nice without overdoing it. I didn’t want anyone to think that this occasion was something I had looked forward to. Not like that.
Soon it was time and I heard voices in the hallway. They had obviously run into each other, and both were surprised the other was there.
“I see this is a group meeting,” Emily snapped as she opened the door, Bryant following closely behind. “I thought maybe you wanted to talk to me first.”
“I’m sorry.” I meant it. I didn’t want to hurt her. “I just didn’t think I could do this twice.”
“I feel a little lost,” Bryant said, taking a seat on the chair I had sat in the night before. “What does she have to do with any of this?”
“For starters, she’s my best friend,” I admitted. “She’s helped me through this.”
“Is that what I’ve done?” Emily sarcastically snapped.
“You know what I mean.” This was going to be difficult for me.
“Bryant” — I looked at him — “you are my husband. When you left me, it devastated me. I cried for days. I believed you’d come back. I fought hard to keep believing that.” He nodded, looking down in shame. “I made vows to you and I take those very seriously. Like you said, for better or worse.”
“I know,” he nodded, looking hopeful.
“Mostly worse,” Emily added quietly.
“You did not take those vows seriously. You left me. You treated me badly. You tried to take everything from me. You broke those vows.”
“I said I was wrong—” I held a hand up to quiet him.
“I know you were wrong. I also know that I’d have a hard time trusting you not to do it again,” I admitted, and for the first time I saw a spark of hope in Emily’s eyes. “But I still take those vows seriously. That is part of what makes this so hard.”
“I will never betray you again.” He looked at me, pleading for another chance. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I admitted, watching Emily’s eyes fall in disappointment. “But not the way I should. Nowhere in there did I say I missed you. I missed the things we had together. I missed our little moments. And that’s important. I didn’t think it was. I didn’t think those little things that bond us were a big deal. We were married. That stuff passes.”
“It does,” he agreed. “We were busy.”
“Yes, we were. Too busy to realize we didn’t love each other the way we should.”
“But I…”
“No, don’t try to convince me. Since you left, I’ve been lucky. I’ve been able to experience that love. Those moments. That connection. I’ve learned what it’s like to truly care and bond with another. And last night I learned what it was like to miss those moments. The person. Not the vow and the promise.”
“I don’t understand? You’ve met someone? Who? What’s his name?”
“Bryant, I am not going back to you. I am in love with Emily.”
The words shocked everyone. Bryant looked between the two of us, first in shock and then in anger. Finally he just started laughing.
“You�
��ve turned into a lesbian?” he laughed. “Now that’s funny.”
“I’m leaving here next month. Emily and I are leaving. I’m going to law school. I’m going to be with her. I love her. If she will still have me after this.” I looked at her with hope.
“Of course I will still have you,” she smiled. “I’ve loved you forever.”
“This is garbage,” he shouted, standing up. “I’m out of here. You won’t get a damn thing from me.”
I looked at Emily, both of us beaming with excitement that I’d chosen her.
“I don’t need anything from you. I have all I need right here.” Taking Emily’s hand, I squeezed it to let her know that I was hers. “Goodbye, Bryant.”
*****
THE END
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The Protégé
“I’m so vanilla, I even bore myself,” Claire complained to her friend on the phone. “Do you want to do something this weekend to add a little excitement to our lives? Life shouldn’t be this boring…” she continued, as she picked up yet another box of shoes from the trolley to put away in the stockroom of the store where she worked.
“Wanna go to the opening of that new movie? Or what about the zoo? How ‘bout going to the zoo?”
At 24, Claire Hopkins had not achieved any of her dreams. Although she had a degree in Art History, the plum jobs at the museum had eluded her, and she didn’t have enough credits in Education to teach. Neither has she had much luck with men and romance. Pretty in a wholesome way, with wide eyes, good cheekbones and full lips, she had dated a few men, but thought that maybe she hadn’t found the one with whom she has any ‘chemistry.’ Not wearing any makeup didn’t help either, as there was an overabundance of beautiful young women in Los Angeles who made a more striking first impression.
“Oh, Jeff is coming home this weekend from Stanford, huh? So I guess you’re going to be busy—wink, wink,” she said into the phone with disappointment. “Okay then, Evie, let’s talk next week. Have fun.”