by D L Blade
“Honestly, I don’t know. But we need to start somewhere safe. Right now, being friends is safe for me,” I said, turning my gaze away from him.
“I still love you,” he said.
“I love you, too. You’re my best friend.” I stood up from the bench, unzipped my sweater, and slowly pulled the sleeves off my shoulders, until the upper part of my chest was exposed. My fingers traced along the two-inch scar on my chest.
“This reminds me of how broken I am, every single day when I wake up and see it in the mirror. It’s a scar that will never go away. I don’t know how to love you the way you love me, when all I see are broken pieces. God, Riley, I can’t even hug my friends without feeling like my lungs are closing up.”
He was the only one who knew. The only one who knew I faked every personality trait I used to have. He knew I now faked being competitive with games or caring about the next Friday night party. He knew none of that really mattered to me anymore. He also knew of how I’d coil into a lone place in my head whenever someone even lightly touched my hand.
“Does it still hurt?” he asked with genuine concern.
I shook my head. “Not physically. I know she can’t hurt me anymore.” I paused for a moment. “But I still have nightmares about that night.”
I closed my eyes, remembering every detail from the moment I had left the graduation party at Cami’s house. The party was everything I had expected. We danced until our legs turned to jelly and Riley and I had shared our last kiss. We had finally graduated, and I was looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I had left the party shortly after two in the morning, and without checking in with my mom, I hurried into my room. I was looking forward to lying down on my bed and letting my body relax. Finals that week had drained me to the point of exhaustion.
I was half-asleep, almost dreaming, but still could hear the wind tapping at my bedroom window. A creak on the floorboard startled me and I looked up, expecting to see my mom. The only light in the room was the moonlight streaming through my window.
“I’m home, Mom. Goodnight.” I yawned and looked toward the door. She wasn’t there.
I heard heavy breathing behind me and rolled over to the right. My mom was right next to me, on top of my bed, kneeling over my body. An object, shiny and silver, sparkled by her hip. My eyes widened when I realized what it was—a large kitchen knife.
“Close your eyes, Mercy,” my mom whispered softly. “It will all be over soon.”
Everything happened so fast. I don’t remember the knife coming toward me, or calling 911, or even the ride in the ambulance. All I can remember is the eerie and forceful feeling of the blade slowly piercing my skin. After that, my mind completely shut down.
My own mother, who had loved me since the moment I was in the womb, had tried to kill me. They found her in our backyard, sitting in the middle of the grassy lawn, covered in my blood. She never spoke a word until her trial, when she stood before the judge and uttered these three words, “Guilty, Your Honor”.
She wasn’t convicted of attempted murder. My mother had hired a really good lawyer who had collected enough documentation from doctors declaring her insane. She now resides at Raven’s Mental Institution in Salem, Massachusetts. It’s a secure hospital where the most unstable psychopaths are sent. I was promised by the judge that she would never be set free. The thought of her escaping always made me a little nervous, though, despite his promise. We lived in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, only ninety minutes from Salem. It is a small, quaint town where everyone knew everyone. If she showed up here, I would have no place to hide.
That thought sent a wave of panic coursing through my veins and I opened my eyes. Tears were running down my face. As I wiped them away, Riley was pulling the sweater back over my shoulders, carefully avoiding the skin near my scar. He zipped it up for me, covering the reminder that my life would never be the same.
I looked up at him with my watery eyes. “I want you to be happy, Riley. You will find someone so much better than me. I’m just too broken.”
Broken, that’s exactly what I am.
The thought of being best friends after dating for so long sounded ridiculous, but that’s what we were. We had been boyfriend and girlfriend since before junior high. He was all I had known of a relationship. I imagined our childhood crush would turn into something intimate and mature, but it never did. I guess at such a young age, we really didn’t understand love or the desires adults experience. He became my best friend, whom I occasionally kissed. We were never intimate, and rarely made out. I knew he hoped for that as we grew older, but I couldn’t give him that, especially now.
His smile put me at ease. “Let’s go back inside,” I said.
Riley thanked Lily for the dinner and blew me a kiss. Air kisses were safe, and it was something we always did anyway, even before my attack.
“Have fun at breakfast,” he said. “My work on the car shouldn’t take too long. I’m pretty sure it’s just a dead battery. I’ll call you later.” He smiled again and headed out the door.
This time, I locked the top lock and the three other bolts Lily had installed after my attack, to help me feel safer in her home.
I padded to my room and flopped down on top of my bed. I needed to clear my mind and reflect on what had happened. The following day would mark day sixty-eight since my mom had tried to kill me. That night was supposed to be a celebration with my family and friends, but it turned into a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I needed to put all of it behind me, if I was going to survive another day.
I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Soon, the dream returned, and he was there again.
I never had to wonder if he would show up; he was just always there. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. His hair was a dark shade of brown, and it fell slightly past his shoulders. His light brown eyes were fixated on me for what felt like hours. He brushed my hair away from my eyes, gently trailing over my skin with the tips of his fingers. He tucked my long strands behind my ears, and moved his fingers down to my chin, directing my face closer to him. He kissed me intimately and I moaned before he released me. He could touch me in my dreams without me pulling away. It was refreshing to feel so alive and comfortable with someone, even if he was just a figment of my imagination.
He had been coming into my dreams for about a year now, and it felt more real than the outside world ever did. I felt safe with him. I also felt horrible that I couldn’t be with Riley anymore, and yet, I wanted this dream guy in my life. I needed him in my life.
I placed my hands on his chest, slowly putting space between us. No, I didn’t need a guy in my life right now. Good thing he was just my imagination that came lurking into my dreams each night.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.
“You. I don’t want this to ever change.” I looked up at the dark gray clouds forming over us.
“I’ll see you again tomorrow,” he whispered, with a sweet smile adorning his face.
“I know.” I pressed my cheek into the palm of his hand.
He lifted my chin and kissed me gently. The kiss was delicate and passionate, but only lasted a few seconds before my eyes popped open to the sound of my alarm.
I slapped my hand over the top of the alarm and turned it off.
“Ugh, just five more minutes,” I huffed, closing my eyes again while pulling the blanket over my face.
It was slightly after ten, but it felt much earlier. The light from my bedroom window was so bright, I knew trying to go back to sleep would be impossible at this point. I grabbed my cell phone and checked my notifications. The last thing I checked were my text messages.
Cami: Where have you been? You better be at Mario’s this morning.
Shannon: We’ll be at our usual booth at eleven.
I hadn’t seen the girls since Thursday morning’s breakfast at Tippy’s. It was exhausting coming up with an excuse every time they had a party or a gathering where there we
re people I would have to introduce myself to or make small talk with.
Cami had texted me nonstop last night trying to get me to meet her at this party thrown by our friend Landen. I decided to ignore the texts this time.
I turned away from my phone and rolled back over, snuggling my head back into my pillow. It was just a moment later when my eyes shot open as I heard Lily shouting curse words at someone. I quickly jumped up and hurried downstairs, but stopped myself when I heard my name.
“Mercy doesn’t need you,” she fumed to the person on the other line. She paused for a moment. “No way, that is not happening! We will tell her.”
The floor creaked under my foot and I backed up farther behind the wall, hoping she didn’t hear.
“This is your fault,” she continued. “I have two weeks not only to tell her, but to prepare her. We should have told her years ago,” she huffed. “Don’t call here again!” She slammed the phone down and I heard her take in a few deep breaths. I had never heard Lily this upset. She was always soft-spoken and forbearing. I waited a few moments before walking in.
“Good morning,” I said to her vibrantly as I walked into the pantry and grabbed a protein bar, acting like I had no idea what just went down in the kitchen.
I sat down at the kitchen table and watched as Lily fidgeted in her chair.
“Do you want some coffee?” She pointed to the coffee maker that had about a cup left in the kettle.
“I’d love some, thanks.” She stood up quickly, walked over to the kettle, and poured me the remaining coffee into a mug.
When she joined me back at the table, she didn’t look up.
“Sorry I haven’t made breakfast yet,” she apologized. I looked down to see her hands shaking.
I stared at her, waiting for her to tell me what was wrong and who was on the phone, but she just sat there, drinking her coffee with trembling hands.
“Lily?”
She looked up suddenly. “Yes?”
“Who was that on the phone?”
She hesitated, then lowered her coffee. “It was your mother.”
My stomach twisted in knots. “Why? What does she want?” I asked quickly, trying to catch my breath. She had never called here. I didn’t even know they let them make calls from the psychiatric ward.
She tensed and shook her head. “She wants to see you.”
My mind went racing.
What could she possibly want from me? Does she want to make amends and ask for forgiveness?
I slouched back in my chair and folded my arms across my chest. “Did she say why?”
Lily looked like she was afraid to tell me something. She just stared at me with intense eyes, shaking her head. “You’re not to see her,” Lily ordered, clenching her jaw.
Wow, she looked pissed. Even when I had woken up in the hospital after my mom had tried to kill me, Lily only looked sad, not angry.
“Lily, I need the closure. What if she wants to tell me she’s sorry? I should let her, right?” I questioned, but didn’t even believe my own words. The last time I had gone to see her, she was anything but apologetic.
That day didn’t just affect me, it affected Lily, too. It was right after my mom was incarcerated. I sat across a long table, staring at her for ten minutes before I had the courage to ask her the questions I desperately needed answered. While my hands shook nervously in my lap, I asked her why she wanted me dead. She stared at me with heavy eyes, clearly showing signs of distress and fatigue. She was silent, and her face showed no compassion or empathy. Her silence proved to me that she didn’t care about me at all. That thought hurt worse than the feeling of a blade breaking through my sternum.
I couldn’t tell if they had drugged her or if she had simply lost her mind. I wondered if there was anything going on inside her head as she looked right through me. It was in that moment of thought that she came after me like a tiger attacking its prey, leaping over the table and knocking over her chair. She lashed out at me and all I could do was shield myself with my arms, so she didn’t cut my face with her sharp, unkempt nails.
Lily’s voice pulled me out of my memory. “Mercy, it’s not safe. You’re not going, okay?”
I gave her an agreeable nod. I knew not to keep arguing with her. Lily was my guardian now and I wasn’t eighteen yet. She had the right to stop me from going, but it didn’t mean I wouldn’t go behind her back. My mom had called for a reason. Parts of the phone call I had overheard didn’t make any sense; Lily was hiding something.
She breathed in deeply and then slowly released the air from her lungs. Lily looked exhausted and worn as she shook her head and lowered her brow. “As upset as I am at what your mother did, I miss how close we all used to be.” She glanced up at me. “I miss the woman she used to be.”
I was so blind. Lily was hurting just as much as I was. She had lost her only sister.
We needed to focus on the good times we used to have. Talking about what my mom did only brought pain to both of us.
My favorite day with my mom was the day the city dedicated a bench to my grandfather. My uncle Joel and his husband, Derek, had flown in from New York and we were all together, laughing and crying while sharing memories of what a great man he had been.
“Remember the last photo we took as a family?” I asked her.
She sat there for a moment and then her face lit up. “Scalloptown Park!”
I was fifteen years old and the city, two years after my grandfather passed away, had dedicated a bench for him, for all his service to our community. We sat on the bench and talked about all the great memories we had with him.
“Do you still have that photo?” I asked her.
“It’s on my Facebook page, I think.” She grabbed her phone and scrolled through her Facebook albums for a few minutes. “There it is.” She brought her phone in front of us and we looked at the picture. “I’ll text it to you.”
“Thanks!” I said. I needed the reminder in my phone that we were all happy and normal, once upon a time.
I looked at the photo, now in my own phone, and saved it in my picture gallery. My mom and I were sitting on that very bench with Lily, Joel, and Derek standing behind us. We’d had a jogger passing by take a quick photo.
My grandfather, William Winchester, played a huge part in our community. He was a city councilman and business owner. He owned a hotel chain here in Rhode Island and was about to expand it nationwide before he got sick.
He was only married to my nana, Helen, for ten years before she passed. Together they had three children, all a year apart from one another. The oldest was my uncle Joel, who lived in New York with his husband Derek. Their second child was my mother, Daniella, and their youngest, my aunt Lily. After my grandfather died, his inheritance was split equally between the three of them. My mom set up a trust fund for me so that when I turned eighteen, I would be able to access the money for college. I wondered if that would still happen, now that she was locked away.
Lily opened her café two years ago with her part of the money. She had contemplated using the funds for traveling or opening a boutique, but in the end, she decided a small café was what this little town needed.
Joel was an artist and moved to New York to open a gallery of his work that he’d been creating since he was a kid. He created abstract paintings, while Derek was a photographer who focused on the real-life portraits, from The Barber on Main Street to The Prostitute on 22nd Avenue. Together, they incorporated their projects into works of art. I never had the chance to fly out there to visit them and their studio, but they often sent me photos of some of the new projects they had been working on. They agreed that after I graduated college, their spare room would be available for me to rent until I found a more permanent place to live.
Even after everything that had happened, I wasn’t going to let it stop me from living my dreams. I was going to move to Providence this fall and attend Brown. I was going to work toward my bachelor’s degree in marketing and someday open my own mar
keting firm in New York.
Lily finished up the last sip of her coffee and placed the mug in the sink. “I need to open the café. You going to be okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Will you?”
She smiled and nodded. “Have fun today.”
After Lily left for the café, I took a quick shower and attached the family photo at the park in a text message for Joel.
Me: Hey, thought you’d like a reminder of the good times. Can you visit soon?
Joel: I might be able to fly out for your birthday. I have a few projects I’m working on but if I can wrap them up, I’ll come out. Thanks for the picture. I was thinner once. Lol.
Me: Dork, you aren’t fat. Anyways, no problem. That would be awesome if you could come out for my birthday. Have a good one. Tell Derek I said hi.
Joel: Will do. Take care kiddo.
Closing my phone, I eyed the time once more and rushed out the door to meet my friends.
Shannon was seated at our usual table, chowing down on her pizza slice, while I joined Cami in line. Today she wore a strapless, yellow sundress reaching to her knees and flaring out at the bottom. She showed off her tall stiletto heels that defined her long, skinny legs.
“Mercy, do you want the veggie supreme?”
“Please.” I nodded.
“I’ll have the cheese-less veggie supreme pizza, a pepperoni and pineapple pizza, and a diet soda.” She winked at the cute Mario’s employee, and handed him a ten-dollar bill.
“Were you hoping he’d give us those for free?” I teased.
“Someday.” She giggled, and I just rolled my eyes.
“Thanks for paying,” I said while Cami smiled again at the employee and whipped her pony tail to the side. I was pretty sure I saw her throw in another wink, too.