by Force, Marie
I cross my legs against the tingle between them. What would that feel like? How badly would it hurt? Or would the pleasure override the pain? My curiosity leads me to click on videos that demonstrate how the equipment upstairs is used in sexual situations. I cannot look away.
By the time I come up for air, two hours have gone by. I make a point of clearing the browser history on the computer before I stand on trembling legs and leave the office with more questions than I had going in. I now know that the smaller rubber and glass objects are butt plugs. That had been what Valerie meant when she asked if Flynn had “plugged” my ass. My whole body tingles at the thought of that. Does the tingling mean I want it or that I don’t?
I’m such a neophyte when it comes to sex. I stayed away from men and anything to do with sex for so long that I lack the context I need to satisfy my curiosity. Judging by the heat between my legs, however, I’m incredibly aroused by what I’ve seen. Does that mean I want to try it?
Not necessarily. The thought of being tied down or shackled makes me feel light-headed—and not in a good way.
The most pressing questions I have after seeing Hayden’s room and two hours of “research” are whether my husband is into the same things as his best friend, and how will I ever work up the nerve to ask him that?
I need help dealing with this situation. Professional help. I scroll through my contacts for a number I haven’t called in six years. When I moved into my new cell phone, Natalie’s phone, I made sure to include the number just in case I ever needed it. I’m not even entirely sure it is still his number.
“One way to find out.” Fluff lifts her head to check on me. I give her a pat to settle her and place the call.
He answers on the fourth ring. Hearing his voice takes me right back to the dark days after the attack, when he’d been a big part of the group who put me back together. Dr. Curtis Bancroft specializes in post-traumatic stress and counseling sexual assault survivors.
“This is Curt. Hello?”
“Dr. Bancroft… This is April. April Genovese.” He’s never known me by my new name, as I stopped seeing him before I changed it.
“April,” he says on a long exhale, “it’s so great to hear your voice. I’ve been worried sick about you. I really hoped you’d call. How are you?”
“I’m doing surprisingly well, all things considered. Am I catching you at a bad time?”
“I’m on vacation in the Caribbean with my family, but I’m very happy to talk to you.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. So you got married! That’s wonderful news. That’s going well?”
“Yes, Flynn… He’s amazing. He’s been very sweet and understanding.”
“Is this the first relationship you’ve had?”
I know he means sexual relationship. “Yes.”
“April? Are you coping with everything?”
“I think so. I’m able to… to make love with him.”
“That’s wonderful. And are you able to enjoy it?”
God, it’s embarrassing to talk about such personal things, even to someone from whom I have few secrets. “Yes, it’s … It’s incredible. I love it.”
“I’m very happy to hear that. You’ve worked so hard to get free of your past, and I hope you’re giving yourself permission to be happy.”
“I am. It’s just… Flynn, he… Well, I had a flashback on our wedding night. He… He held down my hands, and…”
“That was a trigger for you?”
“Yes! I didn’t even think about that until he did it, and then I totally lost it. And now… He’s so afraid of it happening again. He’s holding back. I told him that having sex with me is like juggling dynamite. You never know when it will blow—and not in a good way.”
His low chuckle rumbles through the phone. “While that’s an interesting metaphor, if your husband loves you—”
“He does. I have no doubt at all about that.”
“Then I’m sure he’s just trying to be careful as you get used to your first sexual relationship.”
“A few times, before he knew everything about what happened to me… He was different.”
“How so?”
“He was more unrestrained, earthy… He said things and did things.”
“Did you like that?”
“Yes. I liked it because it was Flynn, and I trust him. But since the thing with my hands, he’s… more reserved. I worry that there are things he wants, and I’ll never know because he’s afraid to tell me.”
“Have you talked to him about this?”
“Sort of. It’s hard, though. This is so new to me. And his friends… Well, one of them at least, is into some really hard-core stuff, which makes me wonder what Flynn is interested in. I sound ridiculous because I can’t even find the right words to describe all this to you. How will I ever talk to him about it?”
“You’re doing a great job explaining it to me.”
“That’s easy. You’re not my husband. And I ran into his ex-wife at the SAG Awards.” I go on to tell Curt what Valerie said to me.
“Wow, well… You have to remember the source is someone who has an ax to grind with him—and with you.”
“I know. I’ve thought of that. But she’s got me wondering.”
“It sounds to me as if he truly cares for you, and when I saw you together on TV, he was very attentive.”
“He does, and he is. He’s more than I ever hoped to dream possible.”
“Then trust him, April. Trust him to know how to be what you need. But he’s not a mind reader. He can’t know what you’re thinking if you don’t tell him.”
“It’s strange to be called April after all this time.”
“Do you prefer Natalie?”
“I’m not sure what I prefer. It’s weird to be talking about April when I’ve been Natalie for so long now.”
“I’d just like to say that as much as I hate how it happened, I’m so glad to know you’re doing well in your new life. I’ve wondered about you for years and hoped I’d hear from you.”
“I should’ve checked in. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You were off living your life, and all your hard work with me made that possible.”
“Would it be okay if I checked in from time to time?”
“It would be absolutely fine. I’ll always be happy to hear from you.”
“Thank you again. I’m not being dramatic when I say you saved my life.”
“No, April… You saved your own life. I only helped. Your inner strength got you through before, and it will again. Don’t be afraid to rely on it.”
“I won’t. I’ll call again soon.”
“I’ll look forward to it. Take care, and talk to your husband.”
“I will. Thanks again.”
I end the call feeling more confident that I can handle the conversation I need to have with Flynn.
Chapter 17
Arriving at the Quantum offices, I pull into a parking space and sit for a moment, the engine in the Mercedes idling as I think about what Natalie told me. She’s going to get her job back, which means she’ll return to New York while I have to be here for the next couple of months.
If the thought of a single day without her in it is unbearable, how will I ever stand to have her in New York for weeks on end while I’m here? I could go to New York with her, and I probably will if it comes to that, but I’d rather be here.
I hate the way life is interfering with my desire to be completely alone with my new wife. And then I call bullshit on myself. I can do whatever the fuck I want to, so why am I not doing whatever the fuck I want to?
With my security detail following close behind, I head into the office, which is abuzz with activity. Everyone is still ecstatic about the SAG Awards as well as the Oscar nominations for Camouflage, especially after all the campaigning that was done to ensure the film got the recognition it deserves from the Academy. For the most part, I’ve stayed out of that fray, letting othe
rs do the heavy lifting. The idea of campaigning for awards has never sat well with me, but it’s a necessary evil in our world.
After accepting congratulations for the SAGs from everyone I see along the way, I head for Hayden’s office, where I’m told he’s in the editing room. I take the elevator up one floor. I find him in the dark, staring at two huge monitors, headphones on. I tap his shoulder to get his attention.
He pauses the video and removes the headphones. “Look what the cat dragged in. It’s my long-lost partner in crime who is now an Oscar nominee. Congrats again.”
“Same to you, and I apologize for everything I’ve done to piss you off in the last few weeks.”
“Well, that fixes it. Thanks.”
The sarcasm isn’t lost on me. “I am sorry, Hayden. I know I picked a hell of a time to punch out on you.”
He shrugs. “Shit happens. I get that. Are you back now?”
“Sort of.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I need a break. I need some real time off. I’ve been working nonstop for years, and I’m burned-out.”
After a long pause, he says, “Maybe you could, at the very least, be honest about why you want to take time off. You’re not burned-out. You don’t get burned-out. You want to spend time with your new wife. Why not call a spade a spade?”
“Fine. You’re right. But call me crazy if I’m not willing to talk to you about her when you’ve made your feelings where she’s concerned very clear.”
“I have no bad feelings toward her. I barely know her. My feelings, as you call them, have been toward you, not her.”
Sighing, I take a seat next to him. “I hate having this shit between us.”
“As do I.”
“Look, I know I’ve dropped the ball with work and left you to deal with things on your own, and I’m sorry about that. This whole thing with Natalie… It just… happened. And then it blew up in our faces. I had to be with her during all of that, Hayden.”
“Of course you did, but did you have to marry her?”
“I did that because I wanted to. Not for any other reason.”
“You gotta see this from my side, Flynn. I’ve known you all my life, and I’ve never seen you like this before. It’s… It’s unsettling.”
“It’s love.”
“So you say.”
“I understand that it’s difficult for you to watch me do things that seem out of character to you.”
“Out of character… That’s a good way of putting it.”
“But I can only hope that someday you’ll allow yourself to feel for someone what I feel for her. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I refuse to apologize to anyone, even you, for being happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”
“Fair enough,” he says begrudgingly. “So what do you want to do?”
“I want to get away from everything for a while with her. I know we’ve got shit to do, but I can do it from anywhere. I can review the edits and provide feedback. I can make decisions about future projects. I don’t have to be here to do that.”
Hayden scratches at the stubble on his cheek as he thinks it over.
“Where’re you going to be?”
“I don’t know yet. Could be New York or maybe Mexico. Depends on what she decides to do about her job.”
“I thought she lost her job.”
“Apparently, the board has removed the principal who fired her and is preparing to invite Natalie back.”
“Wow, that’s amazing. There was nothing else they could do.”
“Especially after Emmett threatened them with a ten-million-dollar wrongful termination suit.”
Hayden smiles. “That’s awesome.”
“But I don’t think that’s the only reason they buckled. They know it’s the right thing to do.”
“Yeah, it is. So she might be living back in New York?”
“We haven’t decided anything yet.”
“I want you to know… I’m happy for you. I really am. She seems like a very nice person, and the way she held up during all the shit says a lot about who she really is.”
“She’s incredibly courageous. You have no idea just how courageous she is. We could all learn from her.”
“It’s admirable. I mean that sincerely. What she endured at such a young age… To come through it whole and intact… It’s amazing, and I get why you’re so gone over her.”
“Why do I hear a ‘but’ coming?”
“I just worry about you and the sacrifices you’re making to be with her. I worry about my best friend Flynn, who is one of the smartest, savviest people I’ve ever known, getting married without a prenup. That’s not the Flynn Godfrey I know and love. The Flynn I know and love understands the way things work in this world we live in and how the best of situations can go bad in the blink of an eye.”
I don’t want to talk about my relationship with Natalie going bad. That isn’t going to happen. “I hear you, and I appreciate what you’re saying. You should know that Natalie asked me about a prenup and wanted to have one.”
“And you still said no?”
“I still said no.”
“You’re crazy, man. Seriously insane.”
“If the day ever comes when I have to give her half of everything I have, I’m not going to care enough to quibble over that. And let’s face it. I could live in high style for the rest of my life on half of what I have. I wanted to go into this marriage with nothing between us but love. Putting a prenup in front of her would have made it a business thing, and I didn’t want that. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I really believe it’s the right thing for us not to have one. She needs to be able to have faith in me, and I need to believe she’s not in it for the money.”
“How do you know she isn’t?”
“Because she got totally pissed when I bought her a diamond bracelet after she told me not to buy her any more jewelry. She’s not into all that. After the show last night, we sat in your living room and ate In-N-Out burgers and fries. You know what she said to me?”
“What?”
“‘Is this what happy feels like?’”
Hayden looks down at the control board and fiddles with some knobs.
“Most of the women we know would’ve been pissed to miss out on the parties and the photo ops. Natalie was perfectly content to go home and eat fast food and dip her fries in ketchup. That’s all she needs to be happy, Hayden. Do you know how refreshing that is?”
“I can definitely see the appeal.”
“And yet you’re still not convinced?”
“What about the other side of the equation?”
“Are you actually asking me how the sex is with my wife?”
“Yes, I’m asking you that! I know how you like it, and I can’t for the life of me see you behaving that way with a woman who’s been through what she has.”
“I can’t see it either, but the sex with her is still incredible. There’s a connection with her that I’ve never had with anyone else. It’s always been mechanical. With her it’s… Divine.”
He’s quiet again, but I can see his wheels turning.
“What? Just say it so we can clear the air.”
“Don’t shoot me for playing devil’s advocate, but you felt that way about Valerie at first, too.”
“I never felt for Valerie what I feel for Natalie. Ever.”
“Okay, but you were really into her at first, and after a while you found it difficult to deny yourself the things you wanted from her. And we all know how she felt about what you wanted. All I’m saying is it was hard to watch that happen and to see you crushed in the aftermath. It affected everything for a long time, including the work. I don’t want to see that happen again. None of us does.”
“That’s not going to happen.” As I say the words, a tingle of anxiety works its way down my spine.
“You’ve convinced yourself that you’d rather live without the lifestyle than without her. Am I rig
ht?”
“Something like that.”
“Believe it or not, I almost understand. You’ve tuned in to my… affection, I guess you’d call it, for Addie.”
“Yeah, and I’m hoping you’re going to do something about that one of these days. I’m sure she is, too.”
“I’m never going to do anything about it, because I know myself and what I can live without—and what I can’t. There’s no way I’d put either of us through that kind of hell. And that’s what it would be as soon as the blush wore off the rose and I accepted that I had to spend the rest of my life denying who and what I am. If you can do that, I give you credit. I can’t.”
Hayden’s words hit me in the chest like an arrow, filling me with irrational fear. What if I can’t either? What will become of us if my inner Dom tries to break loose with her? Remembering the panic in her eyes after I pinned down her hands makes me break out in a cold sweat.
Addie knocks and pokes her head in. “Flynn.”
“Yeah?”
“Can you, um, can you come here, please?”
My first thought is of Natalie. Has something happened? “What’s wrong?”
“There’s an FBI agent here to see you.”
Hayden and I look at each other and then at her. “To see me? Why?”
“He didn’t say. He’s waiting in your office.”
“Did you call Emmett?”
“He and the rest of the legal team are off-site today at a training session,” Addie says. “I can call him, if you think we need him.”
“Let’s see what he wants with me first.”
No words are spoken as Hayden gets up to come with me. The three of us are silent in the elevator that delivers us to the floor where our offices are housed. We step into my office, where a man in a suit is standing at the window, admiring the view. He turns when he hears us come in.
“Mr. Godfrey, I’m FBI Special Agent Vickers.”
I shake his hand. “My business partner, Hayden Roth.”
“Good to meet you. I admire your work. Both of you.”
“Thank you.” I’m anxious to dispense with the small talk. “What can we do for you?”