by Force, Marie
It has never once, in all the years since I last saw them, occurred to me that what happened to me ruined their lives, too. “I pictured you guys going on like nothing happened.”
“That’s not how it was. We were heartbroken. Nothing was ever the same without you.” She covers our joined hands with her other hand. “I’d like nothing more than to be close to you again.”
“I’d like that, too. More than you could ever know.”
“Talk to me, Ap— I mean, Natalie. Talk to me, Natalie.”
“You can call me April. It’s okay.”
“You’ve made a whole new life as Natalie. That’s who you are now, and I want to respect that. Livvy does, too.”
“She’s so grown up, too. I can’t believe how amazing her grades are and that she has her pick of colleges.”
“Natalie…”
I sigh, realizing I can’t hide my torment from my sister. “Flynn and I are taking a break.” I keep my voice down so only she can hear me.
“You just got married!”
“Believe me, I know.”
“What could’ve gone so wrong so fast?”
“He kept something from me. Something important. And then when I found out about it and confronted him, he lied to me.”
“Oh damn. Wow. You guys looked so happy on TV. I watched every second of the SAG Awards. I couldn’t believe that was my sister on national TV!”
“It was a very exciting night.” Recalling Flynn winning two Actor awards, making love in the limo on the way home and then eating In-N-Out burgers and fries in Hayden’s living room brings me to tears again. The weeks I spent with Flynn had been the sweetest time of my life, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do without him.
“So is it over, then?” Candace asks tentatively.
“I don’t know.” I don’t know anything other than he lied to me, and I had to get away from him to get some perspective.
“Well,” she says after a long pause, “if he’s making you stay at a hotel, I assume he’s paying, so we might as well take full advantage. I have to work tomorrow, but I don’t care. We can stay up all night watching movies, sleep in and order room service.”
Candace’s cheerfulness and upbeat personality are a balm on my wounded soul. Her plan sounds heavenly, and it’s just what I need.
Chapter 2
I’m losing my mind. There’s no other way to describe the desperation that has overtaken me. I can’t eat, sleep, breathe or think about anything other than Natalie and what I can do to fix things between us. I can’t live without her—not for a minute, a day or a week. I’ll go mad if I don’t see her for a week.
She told me to leave her alone, but she didn’t tell me I had to stay in LA and leave her alone.
True to her word, Addie brings my cell phone to me around five that afternoon.
“I need you to get me on a flight to New York. Tonight.”
“I’m not sure I can get you a private plane with so little notice.”
“Then I’ll fly commercial.”
She hesitates, and I know she’s thinking that I’ve been asked not to fly commercial because of the uproar my presence causes in the airports. At times like this, I fucking hate the fame that comes with my chosen profession.
“How long is Natalie planning to be in Colorado?” Addie asks.
“I don’t know.” I don’t tell her I didn’t know she was going there. “She’s got security with her, right?”
“Two guys, and they’re staying at a Marriott rather than at her sister’s place. I took the liberty of overnighting the credit and debit cards you asked me to get for her to the hotel. I hope that was the right thing to do.”
“Yeah. I want her to have money, even if she doesn’t want me anymore.”
“She still wants you. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Whatever this is, you’ll never convince me it can’t be fixed.” She withdraws her phone from her pocket. “You still want to go to New York?”
I think about that for a moment. “You said when you talked to Candace about coming here, she had a really busy schedule at school, right?”
“Yes and a part-time job, too.”
“So it’ll probably be a short visit. I’ll go to New York. Natalie will end up there sooner rather than later.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” Addie gives my arm a squeeze before she heads off to make arrangements. A team of workers is finishing up replacing the window I smashed with a crystal vase this morning after Natalie left. I need to get a grip on my rage. That’s not going to help anything in this situation.
I scroll through the calls and texts I’ve missed since the FBI took my phone and see two calls from my mother. Since she usually texts, I decide I’d better call her back, even though I don’t want to talk to anyone—except Natalie. “Hey, Mom, what’s up?”
“There you are. I was starting to wonder if you two would ever come up for air.”
The reminder that I’m supposed to be on my honeymoon hits me like an arrow to the chest. “Crazy few days.”
“I’m sure,” she says with a low chuckle. She and my dad are thrilled with my choice of a wife. What would they think if they knew that my need for dominant sex and the fact that I lied to my wife about it has sent their new daughter-in-law running from me? “I wanted to talk to you about the wedding reception we’d like to have for you and Natalie.”
Tears fill my eyes, and I take a seat on the sofa, pressing my thumb and forefinger to my eyes. It becomes very clear to me right then and there that if I’ve permanently lost her, I’ll never get over it.
“Flynn?”
“Yeah, Mom, I’m here. Let me talk to Natalie and see what works. I’ll let you know, okay?”
“Of course. Whatever you guys want. We’re beyond excited to celebrate with both of you and to welcome Natalie into our family.”
My parents have been so wonderful to her, so amazingly welcoming and supportive during the firestorm that followed her painful past being made public. I can’t bear to disappoint them by confessing to how badly I’ve fucked things up with her. I hope I never have to tell them that. “It’s really nice of you to want to do this. Thank you.”
“Are you kidding? It’s purely selfish. I’m so happy to see you in love with a sweet, caring woman who loves you for all the right reasons. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this moment. You bet your ass we’re going to celebrate.”
It’s all I can do not to break down into sobs, to beg my mom to come over and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I don’t do that. I can’t do that. “We’re looking forward to it. I’ll get back to you.”
“I’ll talk to you soon. Love you, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart. That’s what I call Natalie. “Love you, too, Mom.”
For a long time after we end the call, I stare at the pool in the backyard, trying to imagine life without Natalie. There is no life without her. And I’ve spent enough time dicking around today feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to fucking fix this.
My sister and I pick up right where we left off, and by the end of our afternoon together, it’s like no time has passed since we last saw each other. We talk about everything and everyone we ever knew back home in Nebraska. She catches me up on all the gossip from Lincoln and what has become of the girls I was friends with before my life imploded.
“They asked about you for years,” Candace says. “We never knew what to tell them. Dad warned us not to talk about you to anyone. It was so bizarre. It was like you were dead, only we knew you weren’t. Dad was like a madman. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe one of his kids did this, like you were the one to blame rather than Oren. He got rid of the Wi-Fi at home and tried to make it so we wouldn’t see the trial coverage, but we read the papers in the library at school so we’d know what was going on. And then, when Oren was convicted… Dad was worse than ever.”
“I’ll never understand how a parent picks a lifelong friend over his own child in a situation lik
e this.”
“You wanna know our theory? Mine and Livvy’s?”
“Um, yeah?”
She laughs at my blatant curiosity. “We think they were in love with each other and pretending to live a hetero life because back then, Oren never would’ve had a chance in politics if he was living as a gay man.”
I’m stunned speechless. “That sure would explain a lot.”
“Think about it—did you ever once see Dad act affectionately toward Mom? Did you ever see them hug or kiss or hold hands or anything?”
“No. Never. I just figured they kept that stuff private. This is such a bombshell, but suddenly it all makes sense.”
“No, it doesn’t make sense, because he still should’ve protected you. No matter what he felt for Oren, you are his daughter. You deserved so much better than what you got from them.” She glances at me, seeming hesitant. “After they saw you at the hospital, they had the biggest fight ever. Mom was crazy over him forcing her to leave you there alone after Oren raped you.”
“If you really think Oren and Dad were gay and in love, how could Oren rape me the way he did?”
“Livvy and I think Dad was resisting him on something, and attacking you was Oren’s way of making a statement. We also think he was a freaking pervert.”
“But, you know, they both had kids and how could he like… have assaulted me that way… if he wasn’t into women?”
“Pills,” she says bluntly. “We think they both were bisexual, but they would’ve chosen each other over their wives in a second if they’d had that option. But they didn’t back then, not if Oren wanted the career in politics his family had always groomed him for. I’d actually think it was kind of sad, except for the fact that they were a couple of lawless monsters who hurt so many people. When Oren died in jail? Dad was inconsolable for weeks. He was never the same after that.”
“God…”
“Of course, all of this is speculation on our part.”
“No, it makes all kinds of sense. The pills would also explain how he was able to be so… relentless… during the assault.” I look up to see Candace blinking rapidly.
“That’s the one thing we were never able to bring ourselves to read about. We couldn’t bear it.”
“I’m glad you didn’t. It’s bad enough those images are in my mind. You don’t need them in yours, too.”
“I wondered… If you were able, with Flynn…”
“Yes, and it was amazing. At least for me.” The question is a reminder of why I left him, and the pain sears through me, hot and sharp.
“You don’t think it was for him, too?”
I get up from the bed where we’ve been relaxing to walk over to the window. “He said it was.” But how am I to know if he was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear or if he was telling the truth? Everything is in question now.
“You don’t believe him?”
As much as I want to share the details of what happened between Flynn and me with my sister, I can’t. I have to protect his privacy—and mine. I trust my sister, but I also have to acknowledge I don’t know her very well anymore. I hope that will change, in time, but if she told even one person about Flynn’s sexual preferences… No, I can’t tell her or anyone, as much as I’d love Candace’s take on the situation. I realize she’s waiting for me to reply. “It’s kind of complicated.”
“And personal, I’m sure. I don’t mean to pry.”
“It’s okay. It’s just tough because of who he is to the rest of the world. I can’t spill my guts as much as I’d like to.”
“I understand. Don’t worry.” She sends me a cheeky grin. “As long as I get to meet him someday.”
“I hope you’ll get to meet him.” I hope I’ll get to see him again…
Candace’s phone rings, and she lets out a squeal that wakes Fluff, who has been lounging on the other bed. “It’s Livvy on FaceTime.” She accepts the call. “You won’t believe who’s here with me.”
“Who?”
“Natalie.” She turns the phone toward me, and I wave at her. Even though I’ve FaceTimed with both of them in the last few weeks, I still want to weep at the sight of my youngest sister, who is also all grown up and gorgeous at seventeen. She has the dark hair and eyes that come from our father’s side of the family and actually resembles me now that I’ve darkened my hair.
“What’re you doing there?”
“I came to see Candace, and I hope I’ll see you sometime soon, too.”
“Flynn’s assistant called about us coming to LA in the next couple of weeks.”
My stomach hurts at the mention of him. “I hope we can make that happen.”
“Is he there?” She looks around, hoping for a glimpse of her famous brother-in-law.
“No, he couldn’t come, and I couldn’t wait any longer to see Candace. Or you. I hope we can do it soon.”
“We will. I have a long weekend in February, if not before. Get this, you guys…” With those four words, it feels like old times. “Mom is dating someone, and he’s actually rather normal. She’s out with him now.”
“Mom is dating? Like, a man?” Candace asks.
“No, an alien,” Livvy says dryly. “Yes, a man! A guy she works with. She’s talked about him for months, and now they’re going out and stuff.”
“This is huge,” Candace says for my benefit. “She hasn’t dated at all since she and Dad split up.”
What’s even more important to me is how, after only a few minutes back in the presence of my sisters, I feel like I belong with them again.
* * *
A knock on the door early in the morning sends Fluff into convulsions, reminding me I need to take her outside at some point. The thought of going out into the freezing tundra does not appeal to me. “I’ll get it,” I say to Candace, who hasn’t moved. She was always a heavy sleeper, and we were up half the night talking.
Josh is outside the door with a large envelope he hands to me. “This came for you.”
I start to ask who knows I’m here, but of course Flynn knows. He’s paying for the security, the hotel, the airplane.
“Would you like me to take Fluff out for you?” Josh asks.
“Are you sure you don’t mind? That’s not in your job description.”
“I don’t mind. I’m going to get coffee anyway.”
“How do you feel about getting two extra coffees?”
“Happy to do that, too.”
I clip Fluff’s leash on to her collar and hand it to him. “Thank you so much.”
“No problem. Be back soon.”
I bring the envelope to my bed to open it. Using the light from my phone, I find a note from Addie along with an ATM card and an American Express card with “Natalie Godfrey” embossed on it. The note from Addie says, “Flynn wanted you to have these and to use them for anything you need. The ATM code is 0119.” It isn’t lost on me that our wedding date is the PIN code.
And then I’m crying in loud sobs that wake my sister.
She comes across to my bed and takes me into her arms, holding me while I get it all out. I miss my love, my husband, the best friend I’ve ever had. I hate that he lied to me, but I’m no longer sure it matters, not if it hurts like this to be without him.
“You should call him,” Candace says as she strokes my hair, making me feel loved and cared for.
“I can’t. Not yet.” Not until I figure out what I’m going to say to him.
Candace has to work today and has class tonight, so after a room-service breakfast, we prepare to go our separate ways for now. I’m so thankful for this time with her, even if I was a heartbroken mess for most of it.
“Whatever happened with Flynn, I hope you guys can work it out,” she says when we’re in an SUV heading for her place. “You looked so happy on TV. It looked real. Livvy and I both said that.”
“It was real.” It was the most “real” thing I’ve ever experienced. “Please don’t tell anyone about me being upset with him. Please, Candace�
�� It would cause so much trouble for him if that ever got out.”
“I won’t say a word. I promise.”
I hug her again. “I love you, and I’m so glad I got to see you.”
“Love you, too. We’ll get together again soon.”
“Yes, we will. Call me. Text me. FaceTime me. Any time. All the time.”
“I will. You do the same.”
When we arrive at her apartment building, we hug again, clinging to each other like we’re both afraid to let go.
“You’re not going to disappear again, are you?” She sounds like the little girl I left behind eight long years ago.
“Never. I promise.”
“Okay, then I’ll let you go. For now.”
I’m happy to see where she lives, but she’s running late for work, so I don’t go inside, which is just as well. I have no desire to go in there, dragging security behind me. She hugs me one more time before she gets out of the car and runs off with a wave.
Once she’s inside the building, the SUV takes off like a shot for the airport, and I’m forced to confront the pain I’ve mostly managed to put on hold while I enjoyed the reunion with my sister. It comes down on me all over again, and when we arrive at the airport, it’s all I can do not to ask them to take me to LA rather than New York.
I have to get back to work before I need to use the money Flynn has made available to me. I don’t feel right taking money from him after having left him.
The flight to New York on the private plane is better than yesterday’s flight, but the pilots tell us it’s snowing and sleeting in New York. The weather only adds to my morose mood. I console myself by thinking about the cozy apartment I share with my good friend—and colleague—Leah. Decisions have to be made, and Leah will help me figure out my next steps.
When we get the word that Teterboro is closed to arrivals due to the weather, we are forced to land at LaGuardia and to navigate the terminal, which is mobbed. A woman in the concourse screams my name when she sees me, which attracts the attention of everyone in a half-mile radius. So much for my certainty that no one will recognize me unless Flynn is with me. Fluff starts barking and snarling at the screamers, so I pick her up to carry her.