by Force, Marie
He cups my face in that proprietary way that I’ve come to crave and runs his thumbs over my cheeks. “I never should’ve doubted that you’re exactly what I want and need. I should’ve trusted my heart, because it kept leading me to you, even as I told myself I needed to stay away from you.”
This deeply wounded man who is incapable of saying the three little words that would seal our deal manages to convey everything I need to know with one perfect sentence. I blink furiously, determined not to break down in front of him. When his thumbs sweep away tears from under my eyes, I discover that I’ve failed to hide my emotional reaction.
I reach for him to draw him back into bed with me. “This, right here, is all I’ve ever wanted from you. Everything else is a bonus. I just want you, Hayden. I don’t care about all the reasons why I shouldn’t.”
“You’re way more than I deserve. You know that, don’t you?”
“No.” With every muscle I own screaming in protest, I turn over so I can see his face. “I’m exactly what you deserve.”
“No one has ever cared about me the way you do.”
“And no one else ever will.”
He stares into my eyes. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and it’ll be the day before the Oscars and none of this will have happened.”
“It happened. It’s real. I’m real. We’re real.” I caress his chest and belly, noting that his cock is hard—again. Before I can tend to that, I have questions, lots of them. “Will you tell me how you discovered the lifestyle and the Kinbaku and everything?”
He gazes over my shoulder at the view of the ocean through the uncovered window, seeming to collect his thoughts. “It started when I was twenty-one and spent the summer on location with my father in Amsterdam. I became friends with the lead actor on the film, someone whose name you’d recognize, and he introduced me to the scene. I was instantly fascinated and captivated. Here, finally, was something I could control. I was obsessed after that.”
“So you’ve had a lot of practice?”
“I’ve never claimed to be a saint, Addie. You knew that about me before any of this happened.”
“I know.” My mind is racing with more questions I’m not sure I have a right to ask.
“Say it. I can feel you spinning.”
“You can’t feel me spinning.”
“I know you, and I know you have questions. There’s nothing you can’t ask me.”
“Will it be enough for you? Just me?”
His big hand cups my cheek, compelling me to look at him. “If I have you, I have everything I want and need. You never need to worry about me wanting someone else. I’ve had plenty of others, and nothing compares to you.”
“Okay, that’s a good answer.”
Smiling, he kisses me. “What else do you want to know?”
“The Kinbaku. How did you learn about that?”
“Early in my career, I was the assistant director on a film shot in Japan. While I was there, I sought out the scene and met a Kinbaku master who taught me almost everything I know about erotic tying. I’ve studied intensively with some of the top practitioners in the world and spent years perfecting my craft.” Before I can ask, he continues. “It’s the ultimate exchange of power when a sub surrenders to be bound by her Dom.”
I slide my hand lower to wrap it around his incredibly hard cock. “It turns you on to talk about it.”
Gasping as I stroke him, he says, “It’s the ultimate turn-on.” He shudders and stops my hand from moving. “What did you think of it? Tell me the truth.”
“I was scared at first, but I loved it. I would’ve been terrified with anyone but you.”
“You’ll never do anything like that with anyone but me,” he says in a low, menacing tone that makes me smile.
“I don’t want to.”
“I love to hear you say you loved it. That means so much to me.”
“When can we do it again?”
“When you’ve had time to rest and recover from the first time.” He runs his fingers through my hair as he looks at me intently. “What do you see happening now?”
Because I know he’s asking about much more than our sex life, I bite my lip to keep from pouring out my heart to him, still afraid that maybe he doesn’t want the same things I do.
“Give me the truth, Addison. I want to know.”
I summon all the courage I can find to share my ultimate dream with him. “I see a big house on the coast, a bunch of kids with insanely blue eyes like their father. I see parties on the lawn, family holidays, the biggest Christmas trees we can find. I see you on location and us with you in the summer when our kids are on vacation. I see one grand adventure after another. I see the family we’ll make together and the family we already have with our Quantum friends.”
“A bunch of kids, huh?”
Smiling, I say, “Did you hear anything after that?”
His hand slides down my arm to link his fingers with mine. “I heard every word you said.”
“And?”
“I think it’s time I had a talk with your dad.”
“Oh.” All I can think of is how intensely my dad dislikes Hayden, for reasons he’s never shared with me. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Trust me, when a man wants to marry another man’s only daughter, he asks permission first.”
Hearing him say the word “marry” in a sentence that refers to me is almost too much for my fragile heart to handle.
“That is what you want, right?”
“Yes, Hayden,” I say on a deep sigh. “It’s what I want.”
He brings our joined hands to his lips, running them back and forth over my knuckles. Just that slight contact is enough to make my nipples and clit tingle. “So if I were to ask you the big question, I’d get the answer I want?”
“Is it what you want? Because I wouldn’t want you to feel pressured into something you’re not ready for.”
“Oh, you wouldn’t? Is this the same woman who basically tricked me into making her my submissive last night?”
“That’s different. That’s sex. This is your whole life we’re talking about here, and you should spend it exactly the way you want to.”
“Would you like to know how I want to spend it?”
I’m afraid to breathe, let alone speak, so I nod.
“I want that big house at the coast, only it has to have a pool, too, so I can teach all those kids of ours how to swim. I see you lording over the entire thing, large and in charge, running roughshod over me and our family and friends. And then I see us in bed where I’ll run roughshod over you every chance I get.”
“Your vision looks an awful lot like mine.”
“You noticed that, huh?”
“Please don’t ask my dad,” I say, filled with dread as I picture the reception he’ll receive from Dad. “It’s nice of you to think of the courtesy and everything, but—”
“He hates my guts.”
I push myself up onto one elbow. “Why does he hate your guts?”
“That’s a long story, and it’s one that would be better to stay between him and me. You don’t need to worry about anything. I’ll work it out with him.”
I don’t like that answer, but I’m too close to having everything I’ve ever wanted to poke at it. Now that I know we have a chance at forever together, there’ll be time enough to figure out why there’s bad blood between the two men I love best.
Chapter 18
I’m a nervous wreck as I drive to Redondo Beach two days after that monumental conversation with Addie. I finally had no choice but to return to real life today with the final cut of Insidious due to the studio early next week and final edits still needed to get it just right. Not to mention Flynn was losing his mind trying to live without Addie managing every aspect of his life for him.
My phone rings, and I take the call from Flynn’s brother-in-law on the Bluetooth, welcoming any distraction that takes my mind off the task that lies before me with Simon York.
“Hey, Hugh, how’re you making out?”
“I’ve got a few things for you to look at whenever you’re ready.”
“Already?”
“We don’t mess around when Hollywood’s top director comes a’calling, and he’s planning to propose to the woman who keeps my brother-in-law sane.”
“That’s good to know,” I say, smiling. “At times like these, it’s nice to have one of Hollywood’s top jewelers in the family.”
“I love a happy ending. Let me know when you want to come in to take a look.”
“How’s tomorrow afternoon around four?”
“I’ll make a point to be here.”
“Thanks again, Hugh.”
“My pleasure.”
I press the button on the wheel to end the call, excited to see the ring, to ask her, to make it official. But first I have to get past her dad. I’m well aware that it’s the new millennium and I’m being somewhat old-fashioned by asking for his permission, especially knowing there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell he’s going to grant it.
I’ve known Simon most of my life. He was a friend of my dad’s at one time, before my dad’s life went off the rails and many of his old friends moved on without him. When I was putting together the team to make my first film, I called on Simon to be my lead cameraman. I’ll admit that first shoot was rocky. I was in way over my head and let my arrogance get the better of me.
Things went from bad to worse when Simon caught me fucking one of the craft services girls in the men’s room. What can I say other than I was young and dumb and full of cum? In the few times my path has crossed Simon’s since that shoot ended, he hasn’t had much to say to me. Not that I blame him. If I were him, I’d think I was a douche, too. But I’m hoping I can appeal to his sense of fairness. All that happened a long time ago, and I’m not that guy anymore.
I know where Simon’s place is, because I gave Addie a ride down here once to pick up her old car after her dad did some work to it. That was before Flynn bought her the Audi, and she was still trying to keep her 1998 Toyota on the road. The working-class neighborhood hasn’t changed much in the years since I was last here. She tells great stories about growing up at the beach and the innocent “trouble” she and her friends got into.
She doesn’t know trouble, not like the kind I grew up with. Sometimes I wonder which one of us had it worse—her because her mother died suddenly when she was twelve, or me watching my mother die a slow death from addiction all these years.
At least she had Simon to fill the void, while I had Gracie and Sebastian to make me feel part of a family when my own rejected me time and again. I’m struck by a paralyzing bolt of fear at the thought of the family Addie wants to have with me. What do I know about how to be a family man?
Stop, a voice inside my head says loudly. You know how. You saw how Gracie was with Sebastian, and you’ve had a front-row seat with the Godfreys, too. You know what you need to do, and you’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy. That’s all you have to say to Simon. I get out of the car determined to do the right thing here, but to leave with my intentions toward her still intact no matter what he might have to say.
My phone rings with a text from Addie.
Are you there yet?
Just now. Wish me luck.
You know I do, even if we’re still in the biggest fight ever.
Laughing, I type out my reply. I’ll make it up to you tonight. After that crazy first night in my playroom, I refused to make love to her during the day we spent together yesterday. I knew how sore she was, even if she said otherwise. So we did a lot of talking, a lot of kissing, a lot of touching and not much else, which left her furious with me in the best possible way. I love that she begs me for it, and I plan to use that to my advantage the next time we’re alone together. Tonight can’t get here soon enough for me.
You’d better bring the big guns to make this right.
Don’t I always? Isn’t that why we’re having this fight? My big gun made you sore.
Arrogant bastard.
You love me.
Yes, for some strange reason I really do.
Thank God for that. I’ll see you soon.
Call me after…
Ok.
Fortified by the exchange, I stash the phone in the back pocket of my jeans and make my way around the house where Addie told me I’d find Simon, tucked away in the studio he uses to produce his pottery when he’s not on location. I hear classic rock coming from the small building that takes up most of the sparse backyard and knock on the door.
“Come in!”
I open the door and stick my head in.
He’s sitting at a worktable with a beer and the sports page spread out in front of him. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asks in a low growl.
“I was hoping we could talk.”
“I got nothing to say to you.”
“I know you don’t, but I have a few things I need to say to you if you can spare a few minutes.”
“Now’s not a good time.”
I have to remember to keep my temper in check, because that’s got no place in this conversation. “Cuz you’re busy?”
“Yeah. I’m busy.”
“When will you not be busy?”
“For you? Never.”
“Simon, you know why I’m here.”
“Yep, and I don’t want to hear about how you’re in love with my daughter and want my blessing and yada yada yada. Ain’t gonna happen—not in this or any other lifetime.”
“Even if it’s what she wants?”
“She’s infatuated. She’ll get over it.”
His certainty that she’ll get over me is like a knife to my gut. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“So now you know my daughter better than I do?”
“In some ways, yeah, I do.”
His brows narrow, and his eyes flash with fury. “You’d better get the fuck out of here before I decide to kick your ass for daring to lay your filthy hands on my daughter.”
“Are you the same person you were at twenty?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re judging me for things you saw me do thirteen years ago when I was barely an adult, trying to find my way. I’m not that guy anymore.”
“No?” He raises a brow and seems amused. “So what they say about you isn’t true?”
I swallow hard while trying not to reveal my panic. “What do they say?”
“That you’re a kinky motherfucker who likes to tie women up. You gonna tell me that’s not true?”
I’ve got two very distinct choices here—concede to the truth or lie my ass off. Neither is all that appealing. I guess I hesitate long enough for him to draw his own conclusions.
“Get out of here, Hayden. My daughter can do a thousand times better than you. I don’t care how many golden statues you got sitting on your desk, a scumbag is still a scumbag no matter how much time goes by.”
I’m cut to the quick by his sharply spoken words. He’s not saying anything I haven’t told myself. But then I remember Addie’s vision for our future, and I want that sweet life with her so badly I can taste it.
“Thanks for your time, Simon. Sorry to intrude.”
I go back the way I came, ducking around the tiny bungalow where Addie grew up, returning to the Range Rover, where I sit for a long time trying to get myself together before I make the drive back to the city, where she’s waiting for me to tell her how it went with her dad.
And what am I to say to that? It went great, babe. He’s thrilled for us. I can’t lie to her, and I certainly can’t tell her the truth. This is a fine predicament. What if she feels she has to choose between her dad and me? How can I compete against the guy who raised her, who is her only family?
Thinking about the things he said makes me feel sick. I can’t believe he knows about my sexual preferences. I’ve been careful—really careful—about how and when I let peopl
e into that part of my life, but I suppose it was inevitable that someone would talk.
I slam my hand on the steering wheel. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
Hayden is back in the office, but I haven’t heard from him, which tells me things with Dad didn’t go well. I wish he’d listened to me and skipped that part of the program, but he didn’t, and now I have to deal with whatever fallout my dear old dad has left me with.
I pick up my cell phone and call the top number on my list of favorites.
He answers on the first ring.
“What did you say to him?”
“Who?”
“Don’t do this, Dad. Don’t play dumb with me. You know exactly who I’m talking about.”
“I told him the truth.”
“And that is?”
“You can do a million times better than him, and there’s no way I’m giving my blessing now or ever.”
Oh God, oh God, oh God… What he must be thinking!
“I can’t believe you’d do this to me. You know how I feel about him.”
“And you know how I feel about you!”
He’s never in all my life yelled at me, not even when I was a rebellious teenager who gave him reason to every day.
“He loves me, Dad.”
“And he’s told you that?”
“Not in so many words, but—”
“Are you listening to yourself, Addison? You’re planning to marry a man who can’t even tell you he loves you?”
“You don’t understand him. He’s had it rough—”
“Are you serious right now? Are you honestly telling me that Hayden Roth, who was born with a silver fucking spoon in his mouth, has had it rough? Rough is losing your mother at twelve. Rough is having your wife drop dead in front of you when there’s not a fucking thing you can do to help her. Rough is trying to raise a daughter on your own when you don’t know the first goddamned thing about what makes a teenage girl tick. He has not had it rough!”
“His parents ignored him. They forgot about his birthday, left him alone with the housekeeper on holidays. His mother has OD’d four times, and he’s had to clean up the mess every time.” I know most of these things because Flynn told me, not because Hayden ever has. “You don’t know everything there is to know about him.”