by Force, Marie
Addie claps her hands and lets out a squeal. “Oh, I knew it! I told Hayden you two are going to end up together.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself—and don’t jinx me. It’s very new.”
She eyes me curiously, making me squirm ever so slightly. “Why don’t you seem happier to have found someone special?”
“What? I’m happy.”
“No, you’re not.”
“And you know better than I do how I feel?”
“I’ve known you a long time, Kris. You’ve been ‘off’ all week. I thought you were excited for her and the kids to get here, and then you didn’t show up to welcome them. Jasper said you were sick, but were you really, or was it something else?”
For someone who never had a family of my own, it’s still unsettling to me that there are people in this world who know me as well—or better—than I know myself. I fix my gaze on a pen I balance between two fingers, which is better than looking at her.
“Kris… Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Don’t lie to me—and don’t lie to yourself. You’re better than that.”
“No, I’m not.” The words come out harsher than I intend, and she’s taken aback by what I said and how I said it.
Hands on hips, she glares at me. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Sighing, I sit back in my chair, resigned to having this conversation whether I want to or not—and I definitely do not want to talk about it with everyone I know. However, my friends aren’t going to let me get away with my usual avoidance tactics in this case. “She deserves better than me. I… I don’t know how to be soft or gentle or sweet, and someone like her, that’s what she needs. She’s been through so much…”
Addison comes around my desk and leans back against it. She’s so close now, there’s no avoiding her. “You were all those things when Maddie got hurt. You reacted instinctively and gave them everything they needed—and then some, if I know you, which I do. Maybe you’ve never had to give those things to a woman before, but don’t tell me they aren’t in you, because I know better.”
Her faith in me is overwhelming. “I’m afraid…”
“Of what?”
“I’m afraid to touch her. What if I scare her or hurt her? She’s already had too much pain in her life. It would kill me to cause her more.”
“Talk to her. Tell her what you want. She may surprise you. Just ask Hayden what happens when a man isn’t honest with the woman he loves.” She winks. “He’ll tell you how much easier it is to communicate than it is to hide from it.”
“You’re tougher than she is.”
“I wouldn’t say that at all. She’s raised two great kids and battled cancer—on her own. She might be the toughest woman I’ve ever known.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way until she put it so bluntly.
“One thing I can tell you from personal experience is that there’s nothing a strong woman hates more than to be underestimated.”
That’s another good point. “What if…” It takes all the courage I can muster to express my deepest fear. “What if she says she’s into it and it turns out to be more than she can handle?”
“I assume you’d work out things like limits and safe words in advance?”
“Of course, but that’s not what I’m afraid of.”
“Then what is it?”
“What if I scare her?”
“If you tell her everything ahead of time, including how you are in a scene, she’ll know what to expect and it won’t scare her.”
“And what if it’s too much for her, and she doesn’t want me like that?”
“Then at least you’ll know how she feels and can go from there. You can’t operate in the dark on this. That nearly ruined me and Hayden before we ever had a chance to be together, and that would’ve been tragic.”
There can be no denying how happy Hayden has been since he allowed himself to fall in love with Addie. He’s gone from being a cranky pain in my ass to a smiling, dopey fool—and it’s all because of the wise woman who’s gotten me to say more about what goes on inside me than I’ve said to anyone. Ever.
And she’s right. I should be talking to Aileen about this, and I will. Tonight. As soon as her kids go to bed, I’ll lay it on the line and let the chips fall where they may.
Suddenly, I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Chapter 9
The kids and I have a long, tedious day as I try to keep Maddie quiet and comfortable. I feel sorry for Logan, who wants to go to the beach or the park or something, but he’s stuck at home with us. Only the anticipation of Kristian’s arrival keeps me sane as I deal with unusually whiny kids.
Maddie’s wound hurts, so I give her some Tylenol and put her down for a nap, hoping the medicine will kick in while she rests.
Then I give Logan some badly needed attention, which involves watching Minions with him for the nine hundredth time, or at least that’s how it seems to me. He loves those movies and is sucked in as always as he reclines against me on the sofa, allowing me to run my fingers through his hair while he watches.
Maddie’s accident rattled him as much as it did me, which is why he’s a little clingier than usual today. I don’t mind it, though. As he gets older, he’s less snuggly with me, and I miss my little boy who always wanted me to hold him, even when he was almost too heavy for me to lift.
They’re growing up too quickly for my liking, so I take full advantage of the chance to hold him close without him squiggling out of my embrace the way he normally does these days when I try to hold him.
The movie doesn’t grab my attention, so my mind wanders to the information Natalie gave me earlier. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what it means, and I’m dying to get online so I can do some research. But I can’t do that with my kids underfoot. I know almost nothing about the lifestyle or how it works, but I’m incredibly curious. More than anything, I want to know about how it pertains to him. What does he like? And how will I find the courage to broach this topic with him? The thought of saying something like, hey, I hear you like it kinky makes me feel like I’ve plugged myself into an electrical outlet. Every cell in my body has been tingling for hours now.
I feel guilty for allowing my thoughts to go in this direction when I’m snuggled up to my son, but ever since Natalie filled in some major blanks for me earlier, it’s almost all I can think about.
I swear the clock is moving in reverse.
I must doze off, because I come to when Logan stretches as the movie ends at five thirty. One hour to go.
“What’s for dinner?” he asks.
“Chicken and mac ’n cheese.”
“I’m starving.”
That’s my cue to get up and start dinner. As I bread the chicken the way the kids like it, I recall Kristian telling me he eats “clean,” so I keep one piece free of breading for him and make a big salad to go with the mac ’n cheese I make from scratch for the kids. Natalie thought of everything when she supplied us with groceries, and I’m again thankful for her generosity.
With the chicken and mac ’n cheese in the oven and the salad in the fridge, I check on Maddie and tell Logan I’m going to take a shower. I want to look as nice as I can for Kristian, so I take my time getting ready. I find a cute dress from my single days in one of the boxes I shipped from New York. It didn’t fit me after I had kids, but now I’ve lost so much weight, I can wear it again. It’s black with cherries on it. The neckline does good things for my breasts, the one place I still have a little extra flesh after my illness.
My cancer was caught early by my gynecologist, during a routine visit. I had a lumpectomy and then a second surgery to remove the one lymph node that came back questionable. Technically, I was diagnosed at stage three because of the lymph node involvement, but my doctors told me it hadn’t spread any farther, and they felt confident going with the lumpectomy over the more radical mastectomy. The chemo they’d recomme
nded as a “precaution” had nearly killed me, but that’s over now. At least I hope so. That was the worst part, by far. It made me so sick I couldn’t eat for weeks. I honestly believe that Flynn getting me in to see Doctor Birnbaum saved my life. He believed I’d been given a nearly lethal dose of chemo that might’ve killed me if I’d continued that course.
I can’t bear to think about all that when I have so many better things to focus on with a sexy man coming for dinner. I do what I can with my short curly hair, put on mascara, a hint of blush, some concealer to hide the signs of the nearly sleepless night, and top it off with lip gloss I bought before I got sick and have never worn.
I leave my bedroom, look in on Maddie again and go to the living room where Logan is playing with his superhero action figures. Iron Man is his favorite, and that’s the one he’s holding when he looks up at me and does a double take.
“What?” I ask him.
“Nothing. You look… nice. Really nice.”
I realize it’s been a long time since he saw me make an effort with my appearance and vow to make it a more regular thing so he won’t worry about me as much. “Thank you.”
“Why did you get dressed up?”
“Because Mr. Kristian is coming over for dinner.” I take a seat on the footstool to bring me closer to him.
“Is he your boyfriend?”
“I don’t know if I’d call him that, but if he was, how would you feel about it?”
He shrugs. “It’s okay.” Despite what he says, I see something uncertain in his expression.
I nudge him with my knee. “Tell me the truth.”
“He looks at you funny.”
My stomach drops to my toes. “He does?”
“Uh-huh.” Iron Man takes flight over Logan’s head. “That means he likes you.”
I want to ask how he knows these things. “You think so?”
“Duh,” he says with the grin I love so much. “Even I know that.”
“What do you think of him?”
“He’s cool. He was really nice to Maddie last night when she got hurt.”
“Yes, he was.”
“It’s okay if you like him, Mom. I don’t mind.”
“That’s good to know. Thank you.”
A knock on the door has my heart doing backflips. He’s here. I jump up to open the screen door for him, and I’m struck once again by how beautiful he is. Dark wavy hair, incredible blue eyes, made more so by the light blue shirt he’s wearing, and a body to die for. He’s carrying a huge armload of flowers and a bag.
I hold the screen door for him. “Come in.”
“For you,” he says, handing me the gorgeous and fragrant arrangement. I recognize lilies and snapdragons and my favorite, white hydrangeas. I love that he included them, which means Natalie must’ve told him they’re my favorite.
“They’re beautiful. Thank you.”
He offers a small smile as his gaze lands on my lips, letting me know he wants to kiss me but won’t with Logan looking on.
I burn for that kiss.
“Hey, Logan.”
“Hi.”
“How’s Maddie?”
“She’s napping. The cut was hurting earlier.” I nod toward the kitchen. “Want to help me put these in a vase?”
“Um, sure.”
In the kitchen, I put the flowers on the counter and turn to him, resting my hands on his hips. “Hi,” I whisper.
“Hi, yourself.” His voice is gruff and sexy, and I wish I could be alone with him. That thought is unprecedented for me. I’m not the kind of mom who yearns to be free of her kids. I love being with them, and they’re never too much for me. The three of us have been a unit for so long. But now…
His lips brush against mine, clearing my brain of every thought as I process his nearness, his scent, the tingle of his late-day scruff against my face.
I take a deep breath.
He shifts his attention to my neck. “Long fucking day,” he whispers.
“Were you busy?”
“Yeah, but that’s not what made it long.”
“No?”
He shakes his head. “Waiting for this made it long.” His arms slide around me, bringing me in close to his fully aroused body.
My reaction is instantaneous, my legs are like rubber bands wobbling under me. The last thing I want is to put a stop to something that feels this good, but we can’t do this now. “Kristian…”
“Hmm?” He seems to be breathing me in, which I find wildly erotic.
“The kids.”
He freezes, raises his head and takes a step back, but his eyes… His eyes are on fire for me. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I wanted that as much as you did.”
“I’m not sure that’s possible.”
Realizing he wants me so fiercely makes it that much harder to turn away from him, to put the flowers in a vase, to try to focus on finishing dinner and getting Maddie up so she won’t be awake all night.
I’m distracted by his presence and the way he continues to glance at me as I make small talk with him and the kids during dinner on the deck. I pick at my food because it tastes funny, and I’m too wound up to eat.
Kristian watches me while talking to Logan about the game room at his house that my son loved so much when we were there. “You’ll have to come over and play again soon.”
“Can I, Mom?”
“Sure, we can do that.”
“Tomorrow,” Kristian says. “We’ll order pizza and play games.”
“That’d be awesome,” Logan says, smiling widely.
“What do you say?” I ask him.
“Thank you, Mr. Kristian.”
“You can call me Kris if you want. All my friends call me that.”
I can see that Logan is thrilled to be elevated to friend status, and I send Kristian a warm smile. He can’t possibly know what his kindness and attention toward my kids means to me—and them.
“Can I play, too?” Maddie asks.
“Of course you can. I have the original Frogger game that you’ll love. You have to jump the frog across the water from one log to another. I bet you’ll be good at that.”
“I love frogs,” Maddie says, her eyes dancing with animation that’s a welcome relief after a rough day.
“I know. I saw your frog blanket last night.”
And he pays attention. Swoon. You can stick a fork in me. I’m all done. This man…
“Frogs and horses,” Logan says disdainfully. “That’s all she cares about.”
“Like you care about video games and gadgets,” I reply.
He sticks his tongue out at me.
Laughing, I mess up his hair. “Truth hurts, kiddo.”
I make the kids help clean up after dinner, and they work together to put away the food and load the dishwasher while Kristian and I remain outside to give them room to work. Other than mediating a couple of disagreements, I don’t get involved.
“They’re great kids,” he says softly, so only I will hear him. “Polite, funny, cute, sweet, helpful, well-behaved. They must have a fantastic mother.” Under the table, his hand finds mine, and he links our fingers.
His touch makes me warm all over. “Thank you. I got lucky with them.”
“It takes more than luck to end up with kids who load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen without protest.”
“I’ve always made them help. It’s second nature to them by now.”
“What time do they go to bed?” he asks, waggling his brows at me.
That’s all it takes to set me on fire for him. “Eight. Maddie might be tough tonight because she had a big nap.”
He sits back and puts his feet up on the chair that Logan occupied. “That’s okay. I don’t have anywhere to be.”
And I’m supposed to function after hearing that?
I supervise the kids through showers and pajamas. I read them two stories and allow Maddie to listen to some music with her headphones for a while to help her fall asleep a
fter the long nap. I pray that she isn’t up all night, because it seems I have plans.
I shiver thinking about kissing him last night and then in the kitchen earlier, not to mention the information Natalie gave me and how I might broach that topic with him.
“Are you cold, Mom?” Logan asks me, misinterpreting my shiver.
“Maybe a little.”
“Put a sweater on. I don’t want you to get sick again.”
He touches my heart when he worries about me. “I’m totally fine,” I tell him as I lean over to kiss him good night. “I promise.”
“Can we go to the beach tomorrow?”
“We’ll see how Maddie feels in the morning.”
“I’ll feel fine in the morning, so we can go to the beach.”
“We can’t do anything until everyone goes to sleep.” I turn off the lights and leave the door propped so I can hear them if they need me. “Sleep tight, guys. I love you.”
“Love you, too,” Logan says, his voice heavy with impending sleep.
“Mama,” Maddie says. “Can I have a drink of water?”
“Yep. Be right back.” I go into the kitchen and fill a plastic tumbler with ice and water, putting a cover on it so I won’t be changing sheets in ten minutes, and take it back to her, kissing her one more time. “Close your eyes and go to sleep.”
“Okay.”
I tiptoe from the room because Logan is already out cold and return to the deck.
Kristian holds out a hand to me. “Everyone settled?”
I take his hand and let him guide me onto his lap. “For now.” I’m so caught up in the thrill of being back in his arms I can barely breathe. I feel so safe and comfortable with him, but in the back of my mind, lurking like a dark shadow, are the things Natalie told me about him. Am I crazy to get more involved with someone whose lifestyle is so totally different from mine? Probably, but I can’t seem to dial back the out-of-control feelings I have for him.
“I want to ask you something,” he says.
I’m immediately on guard. “Okay…”
“The premiere for our new film Insidious is Saturday night. I was wondering if you might like to go with me.”