“What were you reading?” he asked.
“Reading?” Sweat percolated on Nathan’s palms.
Walt pointed to the open journal on top of the box.
“I was looking for blankets, like I said, then I stumbled onto old theater programs.” Nathan found a program for Cats (Really, Mum? Cats?) shoved inside the open box. “They caught my eye like the ones in your dad’s bedroom.”
“Why were you in my dad’s bedroom?” Walt shot back immediately. He would grow up to be an ace detective.
“Just the theater nerd in me, I reckon.” Nathan showed Walt the program.
“Dad said when I was little, I saw her dressed as the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz and I started crying.”
“She scared me, too. Being scared of the Wicked Witch is like a rite of passage for children.”
Walt peeked inside the box. Nathan stepped back to let him look, but he was hesitant to dig in.
“Dad doesn’t want us down here,” Walt said.
“I didn’t know that.”
“He doesn’t want us messing things up or getting injured.”
Things appeared extremely messed up already, Nathan thought.
Walt gave the box one last peek before closing it shut. “I’ll have my Dad get you an extra blanket for tonight.”
“Walt,” Nathan said quickly, his nerves threatening to spill over. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.” They walked to the basement door, and even though Walt didn’t seem suspicious anymore, Nathan’s nerves refused to subside. “Walt, can we keep this between us? Being in the basement and all.”
“Like a secret?”
“Right.” Nathan’s stomach twisted into a knot. “We shouldn’t tell anyone, especially not your dad and Uncle Liam.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to get in trouble. Uncle Liam could boot me off the farm for looking around down here.”
“I don’t think he’d do that,” Walt said with a smile.
Right. Because we’re a couple…or something like that. Nathan got desperate.
“Well, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
“I would get in trouble?” Walt’s eyes opened wide. They threatened to crush Nathan.
“Your dad said not to be down here.”
“You were just looking for a blanket.”
Nathan’s palms were so sweaty they could’ve ended a drought. “I’ll ask Uncle Liam for one, like you said.” Nobody has to know I was down here poking through Mariel’s belongings.
“What if my dad sees the box had been opened?” He pointed to the ripped-open tape. Nathan had tried to be careful when opening, but it was obvious that it’d been tampered with. He didn’t know how often Mark came down here, if it was his own little secret.
“Then you…” Nathan gripped the banister. He had to pull the words out from deep inside his black soul. “Then you just lie.”
Nathan could feel the innocence being sucked out of Walt.
“You say you don’t know what happened. And if your dad asks what you were up to today, you leave this part out. It’s not really a lie, per se. It’s a lie of omission, which is different.”
I’m teaching my little brother to lie. I belong in hell.
“It’s a secret, Walt. Let’s shake on it.” Nathan held out his hand. Walt’s limp, soft hand met his for a deflated shake.
Nathan went back to his bedroom in Mark’s house and sat on the bed, staring at the blank wall, hating himself. He realized this was why he was incapable of being loved, incapable of having a family. Because he always found a way to fuck it up royally.
* * *
If there was ever a need for a Jiminy Cricket to tell him what to do, it was now. Nathan walked across the field from Mark’s house and stopped in a patch where he remembered getting reception previously.
“It’s three o’clock in the bloody morning,” Eamonn said when he picked up.
“You’re getting an early start to the day. You’re welcome. It’s four in the afternoon where I am, because I am still in New Zealand, wreaking absolute havoc on a very nice family.”
“What happened?” he asked, now wide awake. “Have you told them the truth?”
“Worse. I just convinced my ten-year-old half brother to lie for me.” A pain lanced his heart as he pictured Walt reluctantly agreeing to keep a secret.
“What is going on? Are you still working on the farm?”
“Yes. And I’ve gotten quite good at it. I’m also buggering the farmer, who is the brother of the man whose son I just asked to lie.” Nathan collapsed on the ground, not caring about the grass stains he was getting.
“Bleeding Christ, Nathan. You really know how to cock things up.”
“Tell me about it.” He stared at the clouds being carried across the sky by some celestial conveyer belt. “My mother was amazing. She was the greatest performer I’ve ever seen. But she was also a badass bitch.”
“Sounds like someone I know,” Eamonn said. “You have to tell them the truth.”
“But if I do, everything will change. They’ll know I’ve been lying to them. For the first time, I feel like I’m part of a family. I’m afraid to lose that.”
“They’ll understand.”
“Come on, E. I’ve been lying to them from the moment I stepped foot in their house, and even if I do come clean, that will just make me the illegitimate bastard son of their wonderful mother. That won’t make me family.” Nathan pictured their faces glaring at him, the same way his real family looked at him. “Liam will never talk to me again.”
“The farmer?”
“He hates liars, and I can’t stop. The other night, my dad called in the middle of some really fantastic shower sex—”
“TMI”
“—and I kept having to say it was a telemarketer.”
“Why?”
“I told him both my parents were dead.”
“Nathan!”
Nathan smacked a hand on his forehead and slid it down to cover his eyes. “I had a good reason in the moment.”
Eamonn let out a sigh.
“And I’ve managed to cock everything up while being completely sober, so I deserve a little bit of credit.”
“Really?” Eamonn asked.
“I haven’t had a drink in weeks.”
They both let that sink in. Nathan beamed with pride up at the clouds.
“That’s wonderful, mate,” Eamonn said. “But you have to come clean.”
If only it were that easy. Some flashing alarm inside Nathan kept warning him that this would all blow up in his face. Because that was what Nathan did: he took good things and ruined them. This was why his dad kept his distance from him and his real family wanted nothing to do with them.
“They’ll hate me. Liam will hate me,” Nathan said.
“I thought you were just shagging.”
“We…” Nathan thought about the way Liam smiled at him on the farm, and the way he spooned him in bed. Just the image of Liam’s face in his mind caused his heart to pump a warm feeling throughout his body, followed by a surge of panic when he pictured losing him forever. “I have to go. Thanks for chatting, E.”
Nathan tucked his phone in his pocket and looked at the rolling green hills against the cloudy sky, hoping that maybe they had a solution to get him out of this mess.
Chapter 23
Liam
By the end of the next week, lambing season had finally wound down. The new family pens were built, mothers and lambs were sufficiently bonding. And Liam would not have been able to get through it without Nathan. He was grateful to Mark for putting up those flyers, for more reasons than one.
To celebrate the end of the season, Liam took Nathan out to dinner as colleagues. After not leaving the farm for a month, he figured they deserved a night on the town. Liam made a reservation at a restaurant overlooking the water. He wanted Nathan to get the full experience of th
e city.
On the drive into Wellington, Liam pointed out places he used to frequent. The café where he’d pick up his morning coffee. The street stuffed with dive bars where he and his co-workers would party after a long night. The old cinema where they would watch their finished product and clap for each other’s names in the credits. It seemed like a whole lifetime ago.
“Do you miss it?” Nathan asked him. He was fashionably dressed in a blazer and pressed jeans. Liam kept up with a similar outfit, although his blazer was more of a light jacket, and his jeans had a permanent crinkle in them from too much wear.
“Do I miss it?” Liam repeated as he looked out the window. Each location had a memory and a story, and unfortunately, many of those stories involved Kelly and Craig. “Miss is the wrong word. I liked my life then, and I like my life now.”
“But your life now is better, right?” Nathan asked with a smirk.
With you in it? “Yeah.”
Liam forwent valet parking in favor his special spot on a quiet side street about which few people knew. They arrived at the restaurant early, and the host suggested they could wait at the bar until their table was ready. Nathan and Liam traded a knowing look. That was a bad idea waiting for happen. Liam suggested instead they go for a stroll on Cuba Street, a promenade with shops and good people-watching that led to Lambton Harbour.
It was a clear night, and as Liam looked ahead to the water, he thought he could see to America.
“It’s beautiful. It feels like I’m in this secret corner of the world,” Nathan said.
“You Brits, thinking you’re still the center of the planet. What if we’re at the center, and England’s in the corner?”
Cuba Street was alive with people gathering at pubs, filtering in and out of stores, and eating al fresco. Hints of the salty ocean breeze fluttered in the breeze. Liam liked being able to share this with Nathan.
“I’m glad you’re here. I could not have gotten through lambing season alone.”
“How’d you do it last year?”
“I had a smaller flock, and I leaned on Mark. A lot.” He and his usually even-keeled brother had gotten into several screaming matches as Liam figured out what he was doing. Mark worked a full-time job, took care of the kids, and still made time to assist him. Having such a dependable, caring brother made up for having three shitty ones. “But all farmers have rough seasons in the beginning. I’m sure my mum and dad did, too.”
“You’ll be able to deliver lambs in your sleep next year.”
Liam heaved out a breath. “If I’m still on the farm.”
Nathan bobbed his head up. “What do you mean?”
He pulled up an electronic copy of the real estate agreement on his phone and showed it to Nathan.
“You’re selling the land?”
“I don’t know. Grates Realty is a very well-known company here. They know what they’re doing.”
His brothers each called him this week to find out what he was deciding. Callum messengered over a hard copy of the proposal to move things along, even though Liam said he was still deliberating.
“It’s not with Grates. It’s with Musket Development Group. I’m assuming they’re a subsidiary,” Nathan said, perusing the e-document.
“Nah yeah, probably,” Liam said with complete uncertainty. He had perused the contract while on the toilet the other day. Not his most professional moment.
“Take it from someone who’s had to read theatrical and representation contracts where the whole point is to screw over the actors: make sure you know what you’re signing. If you wind up signing.” Nathan handed back his phone.
Lambing season went well this year, but would it translate to better wool sales? Would he be able to do this next year if Nathan wasn’t around?
“It’s a very good offer,” Liam said. “I could get a swanky condo in Wellington.”
“You want to move back to the city?”
“I could also purchase a cottage in the country. I’ll have options.”
“Do you want options?”
Nathan was damn quick with the questions.
“I don’t know.”
They reached the harbor. Docked boats wobbled on the choppy water as others plowed into the sea. Liam looked to the water, hoping it could give him the answers.
“I think you do.” Nathan’s eyes beamed at him. “You have to get out of bed before dawn seven days a week for long slogs of manual labor. You’re constantly corralling sheep and dealing with their shit, no pun intended. And you love every minute of it.”
I love it even more when you’re working beside me.
“I don’t know if it’ll ever be profitable. My family struggled our whole lives. I can understand why my brothers hate the farm. Being the youngest, I wasn’t there for the really tough times. What if I can’t hack it?”
Nathan grabbed both his arms and stared straight into Liam’s eyes, making Liam swallow a nervous lump in his throat.
“You can. I’ve seen you out there. You work hard, and you care about the work you do. I reckon you can sell this land and make bank, but what will you do then? Will anything light a fire in you the same way sheep farming does? There are plenty of people with plenty of money who are miserable. They spend their days redecorating their apartment for the umpteenth time and wasting away at resorts and getting smashed at pubs because they don’t have what you have. They don’t have something that fills their soul.
“If you wanted a condo in Wellington, you would’ve stayed in visual effects. Even after what happened with Kelly, you could’ve gotten a job at another design firm. But something inside you called out for a different life. Your parents may have given you the farm, but you chose it.”
Nathan turned on his heel and returned to Cuba Street, leaving Liam gobsmacked behind him.
* * *
At the restaurant, thanks to Nathan charming the hostess, they got a table by the window. It wasn’t worth coming to a place on the water if one could not see the water.
“Wellington faces east, so we don’t get the best sunsets,” Liam said of the view.
“I love it.”
Flecks of waning sun still managed to dance on the water. There was no such thing as a bad sunset, Liam thought.
“I prefer sunrises,” Nathan said. “It’s like God giving us another chance. No matter what kind of shit we got ourselves into the day before, the sun wipes our slate clean. I was used to seeing them when I stayed up all night.”
“Now you’re beating them.”
“The sunrises here are the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. The light coming over the mountains, then across the fields. They literally take my breath away. Or that may be residual lung damage from my cigarettes.”
Nathan hadn’t smoked since lambing season begun, as far as Liam could tell. When he first started on the farm, Liam had either caught him with a quick cigarette or found butts hidden in the trash.
“What’s been your favorite ocean?”
“My favorite…” Nathan tapped his fingers against his scruff. “Right. Um…I’d have to go local and say Brighton, in England. There’s no place like home. And there’s tons of puffs there, so the Wizard of Oz reference is especially apt.”
“I’ve never been to England. Mariel went years ago for this drama program, right around when I was born. This was back when she and Mark were still dating. I think they’d just gotten engaged.”
“Oh? She must’ve loved it.”
“She never said. She didn’t like to talk about it. I remember I asked how it was years later, and all she said was ‘It was all right.’” It struck him how taciturn she had gotten. It was as if he’d asked about a relative who was now dead and there was an awkward silence. “I think she didn’t like it there. She really missed my brother. Mark didn’t have the money for a plane ticket to visit her.”
The waiter came by and took their drink order. Nathan eyed the drink menu, but didn’t pick it up, even though the temptation burned on his fac
e.
“I’m going to just have water,” Liam said.
“The same,” Nathan said quickly.
Liam handed the waiter the drink menu, and he went on his way.
“You can order yourself a beer,” Nathan said. “I really don’t mind.”
“And neither do I.”
“You and your brother haven’t had a beer at dinner for over a month, and the liquor cabinet is empty. Yes, I checked in a moment of desperation.” Nathan ran a hand through his hair. “You don’t have to do this, upend your life for me.”
“We’re not.” Liam squeezed Nathan’s hand and rubbed his thumb over the calluses. “Do you miss it?”
“On some level, I always will. There is a fully-stocked bar in this establishment with top shelf liquor. But I sublimate all my cravings with rigorous farm work. And sex.”
Liam felt his ears get red, something he had a feeling Nathan enjoyed.
“It’s…it’s nice knowing that someone else gives a shit about my sobriety. My father—I mean, if he were still alive, he wouldn’t care. I always seemed like an annoyance to him, and that would make me want to drink more, because if I was going to be a nuisance, I might as well do it right, y’know?” He laughed it off, but Liam could tell there was real hurt. It was awful not being able to make amends with someone who passed away.
“You’re not a nuisance.” Liam didn’t take details like Nathan had just shared lightly. The man was so walled off with sarcasm most of the time that he appreciated these rare glimpses into his life. “Listen, I know you’re only working on the farm to research a film role, but you’re welcome to stay longer. You have an open invitation any time.”
Please stay. The words pressed against Liam’s chest. They hadn’t talked about when Nathan might be leaving. Liam had heard of movie shoots getting postponed. He hoped that was the case here.
The waiter returned with their waters. They went ahead and ordered entrees.
“I’m going to use the toilet.” Liam got up and walked to the restroom. He stopped when he saw Kelly and Craig at a table on the opposite end of the restaurant.
Outside Looking In: A Browerton University Book Page 15