Nathan threaded his fingers with Liam’s and hoped an answer came to him while he slept.
Chapter 25
Nathan
There was nothing innately pleasurable about shoveling hay, but the next day, Nathan couldn’t stop smiling to himself as he scraped it off the floor of the new pen. He could feel Liam’s arms around him in bed, their lips touching softly over the table at the restaurant last night. The memories had not dimmed since he woke up; they’d only gotten stronger. Even the sheep around him could see the dopey smile drawn in permanent marker.
Liam exited the shed with his own special glow on his face. Nathan watched him walk over to the pen, his broad shoulders moving under his flannel shirt.
“I’m going to make a supply run in town. Do we need anything?” Liam showed him the list he’d made.
“You forgot lube,” Nathan said.
“I get that shipped here.” Liam blushed. “It’s less conspicuous.”
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I doubt we’re the only farmhands stocking up.”
Liam cocked an eyebrow and raised his lips in an amused grin. He massaged Nathan’s back and kissed him goodbye where his neck met his shoulder.
“Be back soon.”
Liam got in his truck and drove off, leaving Nathan alone with nature. He paid attention to the peaceful sounds of the farm, the bleating and crunching and steady breezes. He could hear himself think, which was something he’d specifically avoided back in London. Maybe country life could be for him.
His heart somersaulted in his chest when he heard the sound of Liam’s truck pulling up to the shed about fifteen minutes later. That was a fast trip. But when Nathan left the pen, he realized it wasn’t a truck he heard.
Pastor Fry looked at Nathan through his windshield. He got out of the car, his tall frame making Nathan feel shrimp-like.
“Hiya, Pastor. Y’alright?”
“Gidday, Nathan.” He didn’t shake Nathan’s hand. Probably because of all the muck on it, Nathan thought.
“Are you looking for Liam? He just ran into town.”
Pastor Fry surveyed the farm, taking in the sheep roaming around and the hoof house. His stare was impenetrable, making Nathan even more nervous.
Nathan wanted to keep talking, wanted to keep having this technically family time. But conversation was a two-way street.
“It’s a nice farm he has. He seems to be happy,” Pastor Fry said.
“It’s hard work, but he loves it. We both do.”
“A posh gentleman like you?” Pastor Fry looked him up and down. Anyone back home would be shocked to see Nathan in dirt-covered jeans and T-shirt. “You must miss London.”
“Not as much as I thought.”
“When do you go back?” The breeze that swept through didn’t shake Pastor Fry’s silver hair one bit. He seemed like a grandfather who gave bad Christmas gifts.
“I, uh…I’m still working that out. My visa is for nine months.”
“Nine months.” Pastor Fry smiled to himself. “Just enough time for anyone to find themselves in a heap of trouble.”
Nathan gulped back a lump in his throat. Even though they were outside, he felt some kind of walls closing in on him.
Pastor Fry took a step closer, so close he could’ve wrapped him in a warm, grandfatherly hug. He studied Nathan, soaking in as much data as he could.
“She used to make the same face you’re making,” he said. “It’s…I can’t believe it.”
Nathan thought he was going to collapse. Tears instantly came to his eyes.
“Grandfather,” he said.
Pastor Fry gave a tight nod, his body stiff with awkwardness.
Nathan wiped away his tears, but more just filled their place. The levies inside him were allowed to break open for the first time since he got here. He wrapped Pastor Fry in a hug, but noticed that it wasn’t reciprocated. Pastor Fry’s arms hung at their sides.
“Nathan, you can’t call me that.”
“I’ll call you whatever you like. Gramps, grandpa, papa.”
“No,” he said forcefully. He pulled away from Nathan’s hug.
“What? I don’t understand.”
“You have a family back in London. We are not it.”
“Yes, you are. Mariel is my mum. You said it—”
“Mark and his family have been through a lot.”
“So have I. I’ve spent my whole life being lied to and cast aside.”
“You are not supposed to be here. I don’t know how you found us, but you can’t stay.”
Nathan felt a cannonball tear through his chest. “You knew about me?”
“It’s complicated.”
“This whole time, you knew I was in London?”
“I nearly had a heart attack when I saw you at dinner. I thought I was dreaming, but I kept seeing my daughter in you.”
And yet you don’t want me to stay? Your own flesh and blood? Another family member kicking him to the curb.
“I know I wasn’t born under the most ideal circumstances, but Mark will understand. So will the kids. I have to tell them the truth.”
“You will do no such thing!” Pastor Fry’s eyes blazed defensively, a papa bear protecting his cubs. But Nathan wasn’t a predator. He was his cub, too. “It’s best that you pack up and leave immediately, before you hurt this fragile family.”
“Hurt?” Nathan’s shock and longing for a grandparent began turning to anger, crystallizing in his heart.
“I will pay for a flight back to London for you, and I can drive you to the airport.” He put a hand on Nathan’s arm.
“What? Now? Without saying goodbye?”
“Let’s go, Nathan.”
Nathan shrugged off his hand. “Get the fuck off me.”
This was not how he wanted to kick off his burgeoning grandparent-grandchild relationship, but his new grandfather seemed as awful as his existing one.
“Why are you doing this?” Nathan asked.
“Because it’s what Mariel wanted. You were a mistake, Nathan, something she wanted to forget ever happened. And she did. Did she ever try calling you or writing you or finding you on social media?”
Nathan wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a head nod.
“She wanted you out of her life. And for good reason. In and out of rehab, homosexual. You’ve only been here a few weeks, and you’ve already tried corrupting my granddaughter.”
“Don’t you mean my half-sister?”
“You don’t belong here.”
While what Pastor Fry said sounded true, Nathan could feel in his heart that it wasn’t the truth.
“Go inside and pack your things, before things really spiral out of control.”
“No.” Nathan dug his boots into the mushy grass.
“You’re trouble, Nathan, and I don’t want you around my family.”
“I’m not leaving.” He wasn’t going to be chased out like this.
Pastor Fry gave him a final, dagger-filled glare and walked back to his car. It took everything in Nathan not to fall apart on the spot.
“I’m going to tell them,” Nathan said, fighting back.
Pastor Fry’s expression softened. “When Mariel finally confessed to us what she did, it destroyed my wife and me. We were never the same after that. It took everything we had to keep it together in front of Mark and our congregants. We always wondered what else Mariel was keeping from us, wondered how else she could hurt this beautiful family she’d created.
“You will cause irrevocable damage to Franny and Walt. I don’t think you want to do that to your half-siblings.”
Nathan pictured his mother tossing him onto the front steps of his dad’s flat, not looking back as she walked away, just as his grandfather now drove off the farm, tires screeching against the gravel, without a glance in the rearview mirror.
A few minutes after watching Pastor Fry’s car disappear into the hills, Nathan tried returning to work. Shoveling manure was something he coul
d do on autopilot while his mind spun out. But a familiar name buzzed on his phone.
“What?” he screamed to the caller. A nearby sheep skirted off. “What do you want?”
“Hi, son?”
Hearing his dad call him son left a sour taste in his throat.
“You keep contacting me at the absolute worst times.” He threw down his shovel. “What do you want?”
“I haven’t heard from you in a few weeks is all.”
“Since when do you care?”
“Where are you?”
Nathan had to laugh. His father acting like a concerned parent? “I’m traveling. Just like you.”
“Usually you check in or I see posts online of your journeys.”
Nathan was surprised that his father checked his social media, but he shrugged it off. “I’m alive. Is that good enough?”
“Nathan, please tell me where you are. You’re worrying me.”
“Why would I worry you now? You’ve never given a flying fuck about me before.”
“I brought you to a rehabilitation facility.”
“You dumped me there. You didn’t even bother to pick me up when it was done.” He waited for his father to reply, but he seemed to still be gathering a response. Nathan happily supplied one for him: “You had reservations. Another beautiful resort.”
“What has gotten into you? I haven’t heard from you in weeks. You won’t answer your phone. You won’t tell me where you are. Are you drinking again?”
Of course. Of course it had to be his son fucking up yet again, he thought. Nathan rubbed at the spot between his eyebrows, a headache forming.
“Did you ever wonder why I acted out so much, Dad? Did you assume I was a bad seed? A mistake?”
“You’ve had your issues, but you seemed to have gotten straightened out.” His dad struggled for answers, like he was forced to a take a test he didn’t study for at all.
Nathan lost the energy to be sarcastic and obnoxious. The fight was draining him after all these years. “You’ve lied to me my entire life.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You had a picture of my real mum in your bloody desk drawer and never showed it to me. You knew what she looked like. You knew something about her, and you never told me.” Nathan heaved in breath, but he was too angry to cry. Angry at his new family and old family and himself.
“Nathan, I…oh, bugger. I can explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain. Jesus, Dad, did you ever think that I was a shitty son because you were such a shitty father? You ever heard the expression the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?”
“You’re not a shitty son.”
“You treat me like one.”
Nathan had a catch in his throat, like maybe he’d gone too far, but there was not too far with him. He had never told his father off before. Even though their relationship was tenuous at best, he was still Nathan’s only family, and he was afraid to lose that. But he realized he never had it in the first place.
“Son, can we meet somewhere? I want to talk about this. Please.”
He wanted to throw his phone into the manure pit, but stopped himself.
“I found her,” he said with a defiant edge in his voice.
“You…you found her? Your mother?” His dad could barely get the words out. “Where are you, Nathan?”
Nathan clenched his jaw tight.
“Catch me if you can.”
Chapter 26
Liam
While roaming the aisles of the hardware store checking things off his list, Liam got a call from his brother (the nice one), asking him to pick up Walt from school. Mark’s meeting was running late. Liam realized he could take advantage of this precious time for some uncle-nephew bonding.
“Hey pal!” he said as Walt climbed into the passenger seat. He hugged his backpack to his chest. “How was school?”
“Good.”
Liam wished his niece and nephew gave him more than one-word answers, but he probably gave the same answers to adults at Walt’s age.
“Listen, Walt, I want to talk with you about something, something that’s… developed,” Liam said before Walt could take out his phone.
His nephew had a hesitant look on his face. Kids didn’t want to hear about adult things. They didn’t want to think of the adults around them as real people.
“What is it?” Walt asked.
“Nathan has been a great help on the farm over the past few weeks. We’ve grown close, first as co-workers, then as friends, but…” Liam felt his whole face go red. Out with it. “But now, we are romantically involved. Which I know is probably very confusing to you. You see, usually boys and girls like each other, but sometimes a boy can like another boy and a girl can like a girl. And there are some boys, like, uh, me, who liked a girl but then liked a boy.”
I am mucking this up proper. Liam had no idea how to go about this conversation. Did his nephew even know what sex was? He steeled himself for Walt’s expression, but when he looked over, Walt was on his phone.
“Can you get off your bloody phone for a second? I’m trying to have a serious talk.”
“You’re bisexual, Uncle Liam.”
“I…you know what that is?”
Walt rolled his eyes. “Of course I do. Some kids in my class are bi. Are you sure you’re bisexual, or are you pansexual or polysexual?”
“I…” Liam had no idea what those were. He felt ninety years old. “I think I’m just bi.”
“Cool.”
“Well, this was an easy conversation. And if you ever need to discuss feelings you may be having for someone in your class, I’m here.”
“Sweet as.”
Liam didn’t stop Walt from going back on his phone. It allowed him to breathe and get over any lingering awkwardness.
“Nathan really likes you,” Liam said, thinking of how great Nathan is with the kids.
Walt nodded, but Liam noticed how he squirmed in his seat. There was something off, something that raised an alarm inside Liam.
“What is it?” Liam asked.
“Nothing.”
“You can tell me.”
Walt opened his mouth to say anything, but reconsidered. “It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure, pal? You can tell me.” Liam was two seconds away from pulling over and using his patented tickle torture moves he used on him and Franny when they were toddlers.
Liam white knuckled the steering wheel. He thought of the buzzing phone during shower sex and all of Kelly’s web of lies she spun right around him.
“C’mon, Walt.” Liam took a calming breath. “Whatever it is…”
Walt gave a heavy nod, like he was ready to lift a weight off his shoulders. “I’d gotten a ride home from school from my friend’s mum, and when I got home, I heard a noise coming from the basement…”
Nathan
After filling the feeding troughs for the sheep, Nathan stumbled back to the shed. His muscles were sore from the extra work he did, work used to forget that tense conversation with his evil grandfather and his dad. Knowing his father, he probably shrugged off the phone call minutes after being hung up on and set out to plan his next vacation with the step-missus. To his father, Nathan was merely an inconvenience that he’d deal with later if he chose. He didn’t know if the same could be said for his grandfather.
His heart flooded with relief when he saw Liam. He was hunched over his computer working on a graphic design project.
“Am I fucking glad to see you?” Nathan rubbed Liam’s shoulders, then ran his hands down the farmer’s chest, taking in the musky scent of his hair. But he felt Liam tense under his touch. “Did you get what you needed from the supply store?”
“Yeah.” Liam didn’t turn around from his computer, no matter where Nathan’s hands went.
“That’s good.” Nathan took his hands back. Liam seemed miles away, and nerves took over Nathan. Had Pastor Fry gotten to him? “What do you want for dinner? I’m cooking.”
<
br /> Nathan had become quite the cook during his time on the farm. He tried to whip up his favorite restaurant meals from memory, and each time, he got a little bit closer. All of his food was edible, which was more than he could say in his spare cooking attempts back in England.
“Or maybe we could do take away. Eat dinner in bed.”
Liam spun around in his chair. His eyes were hot interrogation lights. “What were you doing in Mark’s basement the other day?”
“Excuse me?”
“What were you looking for?”
Walt. Nathan knew that secret was never going to last, and a residual wave of guilt for making Walt try crashed inside him.
“I had wandered down there by accident. I was just curious.”
Liam wasn’t buying it. His eyes didn’t flick away from Nathan. “Why would you rifle through somebody’s stuff?”
“Because I don’t have any manners.”
“What were you looking for?”
“I told you, nothing. Just snooping. Boxes were made to be opened.”
“Then why did you ask my eleven-year-old nephew to lie about it?”
Sweat prickled at the base of his neck. They were in a tennis match. As hard as Nathan hit the ball, Liam came back with equal force.
“You should’ve seen his face when he told me,” Liam said.
It was most likely as heartbreaking as his expression when Nathan asked Walt to keep their secret. Something had broken between them, another relationship Nathan had irreparably harmed.
“How could you ask a child to do that, a child who looks up to you?”
“I’m sorry,” Nathan said. “I panicked.”
“Walt said you were searching for something.”
“I told you, I was just a curious little cat.”
“Nathan, this isn’t funny!” Liam bolted out of his chair, but then took a breath, reining himself in. He stumbled to the couch and sat on the arm. “That’s Mariel’s stuff. Mark and the kids are very sensitive about it. They don’t want strangers rifling through it.”
“Strangers.”
Outside Looking In: A Browerton University Book Page 17