by Sandie Jones
‘I’ve been calling and calling you,’ says Beth quietly.
‘There’s nothing to say,’ says Alice, her voice nothing more than a squeak. She clears her throat, determined not to show her true pain.
‘I had no idea my Thomas was your Tom,’ says Beth. ‘How could I have?’
‘You should have made it your business,’ chokes Alice, as tears immediately spring to her eyes. ‘You must have known that the man you were . . . the man you were seeing, was married. How could you not have known that?’
‘Because he was very good at hiding it,’ says Beth. ‘Don’t forget, I’ve been wronged too in all of this. I thought the father of my—’ She stops and looks down at Millie. Alice still refuses to follow her gaze.
‘Why don’t you two go play?’ Beth says to the girls. ‘The bell will go in a minute.’
They both reach up to give their mum a kiss and run off. ‘As naive as I now know myself to be,’ Beth goes on, ‘it didn’t occur to me for a second that he was married.’
‘But you said that you’d seen him with someone,’ says Alice. ‘That must have been me. Unless you’re going to tell me there were others.’
It’s the first time the thought occurs to Alice and she clutches at her chest.
Beth looks down to the ground. ‘I don’t know if the woman I saw was you. It all happened so quickly, I can’t remember. She was blonde and beautiful, but I thought he was cheating on me. That I was the victim. If I’d known there was another woman, another family . . .’
‘I’m not just another woman,’ hisses Alice, all too aware of the other mothers around them. ‘And we’re not just another family. Tom was my husband and father to our much-loved daughter.’
‘I’m sorry,’ says Beth. ‘But he was also Millie’s father.’
Alice snorts in derision. ‘He didn’t even see Millie, for Christ’s sake, so don’t go making out he was Father of the Year.’
‘But now I know why he left us so suddenly,’ cries Beth.
‘Did he even know you were pregnant?’ Alice asks, her eyes narrowing as she looks at the nemesis she used to call her best friend. ‘Did he know before he died?’
Beth shakes her head solemnly. ‘I never got the chance to tell him. All this time I thought he’d been living the Life of Riley, with no thought to what he’d done to me, but deep down I knew he wouldn’t have left me like that.’ She looks at Alice before going on. ‘We were too in love for him to just get up and go. Now I know it wasn’t his choice and it makes me feel better.’
Alice feels the exact opposite. She hadn’t thought she could feel any worse about Tom’s death. She was sure she’d reached the bottom and had scratched her way back up again, leaving marks on the wall as she came. They served as a reminder of where she’d been and how she’d do anything to stop herself from ever going back there. But she could feel herself sliding back down into the pit of despair again, the pain just as great as when he died.
‘How long did it go on for?’ asks Alice, her voice cold.
‘We met six months before I got pregnant and then he just disappeared.’
Alice racks her already exhausted brain, trying to work out the logistics. At first, she’d ruled it out as being a complete impossibility – a notion that could only be a million-to-one coincidence. But as the dates and the facts burrowed themselves under her skin, the probability of Beth’s Thomas and her Tom being the same person had become too hard to ignore.
‘I’m not going to do this here,’ says Alice, turning and walking off.
‘You can’t just ignore it,’ says Beth. ‘We need to talk it through.’
Alice stops and turns around, her features hardened, her voice sounding unlike her own. ‘We don’t need to talk through anything. I was his wife. Sophia is his daughter. That will never change and that’s all we need to discuss.’
She rushes off towards her car, leaving Beth standing stock still on the kerb.
‘I’m back,’ Alice calls out, as cheerily as she can manage as she opens the front door.
‘Hey,’ shouts Nathan. ‘I’m upstairs.’
She slowly makes her way up the stairs, taking every step to fix her smile onto her face. She doesn’t know whether she’s doing it for Nathan or Sophia’s benefit.
‘You okay?’ she asks, poking her head around Sophia’s bedroom door.
‘Mmm,’ she answers, without looking up from her mobile phone.
Alice waits, hoping for a more eloquent response from her intelligent, well-educated daughter. But she’s left staring at the top of her head. Again.
‘I really think we need to talk about this whole phone business . . .’ starts Alice, but Sophia is already rolling her eyes. ‘I would also appreciate a little respect.’
‘Yes Mum,’ she says, placing it on her lap and sitting up straighter. Alice is sure she can see her hand itching to pick it up again.
‘I don’t mind you using it for normal communication between your friends, your real friends, but not for the seven hundred you’ve got on Facebook or whatever it is.’
Sophia stifles a smirk. ‘Nobody’s on Facebook anymore. It’s Snapchat.’
‘Okay, well whatever it is, I’d prefer you to spend your time on real life and not the made-up one on social media.’
‘I don’t make up anything,’ she protests.
‘I hope you don’t, but everybody else on there probably does.’
She tuts, and Alice shoots her a look.
‘These people’s lives are fake,’ says Alice, picking up the offending item. Sophia looks at it as if it’s a baby that her mother is about to throw into a road. ‘They’re not lives that you can aspire to because they’re not real, and I think it’s putting you kids under an awful lot of pressure to be a certain way and look a certain way.’
‘I don’t take any notice of that sh—’ Alice raises her eyebrows to stop her daughter finishing her sentence. She looks away sheepishly. ‘There’s some useful stuff on here too, it’s not all rubbish and fake.’
‘Give me one example,’ Alice urges.
Sophia holds out her hand and Alice reluctantly gives her phone back to her. She taps and swipes away. ‘So, for example, I can see where all my friends are.’
‘How is that useful?’ Alice blurts out, a little louder than intended. Though she can’t help but wonder whether, if there’d been such a tool when she was married to Tom, it might have alerted her to him having an affair with Beth. But then she thinks that if such a thing had existed, they might have been able to find Tom on the mountain, and he would have come home to her with only a few bruises to show for his misadventure. Would he have left me anyway? she asks herself. Would he have gone to Beth as soon as he found out she was pregnant and left the family that he already had, to be with her?
She banishes the thought, because it is no longer important. What she’d believed to be true for the last ten years is a lie and she hates herself for living half the life she could have been living. She could have been anyone, could have gone anywhere; instead she has been paralysed, forever fearful that something would happen to a loved one, or take her away from those who needed her.
Well, no more. She is going to be the person she lost all those years ago; live with abandonment, shake off the paranoia that has plagued her for so long. She’s going to love the husband she’s got, not the one she lost. She’s going to be the wife Nathan should have had all this time, not the hollowed-out version she’s mostly been.
‘Look,’ says Sophia patiently as she shows her phone to Alice. ‘This is how I can check out where all my friends are.’ Alice screws her eyes up to see miniature cartoon characters dotted across a map. ‘There’s Hannah. She’s in a car going along Upwood Road.’
Alice looks a little closer and is astonished to see a blonde-haired avatar sitting in something resembling a toy car.
‘That’s insane!’ exclaims Alice. ‘You can actually see what everyone is doing?’
‘Sometimes, yeah. So, there’s Jac
k and he’s listening to music.’
A boy wearing headphones is grinning back at her.
‘And there’s me!’
Sophia closes in on a girl with bunches, smiling out of the very house they’re sitting in.
Alice can barely find the words. ‘That is so wrong, on every level. I don’t want you on there.’
‘Mum, everyone’s on it.’
‘I don’t care. I don’t want your whereabouts being advertised to whoever’s watching.’
‘You can turn it on and off.’
‘Well then turn yours off. Wait, who’s that next to you?’
‘That’s Nathan!’ Sophia laughs.
‘What’s he doing on there?’ asks Alice, her voice high and taut. ‘Why does he need to be on there?’
‘I put him on,’ says Sophia, her eyes alight with mischief.
Alice looks at her daughter, wide-eyed. ‘Well, you’d better turn his location off, or whatever it is you need to do. I don’t want either of you sharing it with the world.’
‘I can’t take Nathan off – I have to do that from his phone.’
Alice is about to call him but thinks better of it, as she acknowledges that knowing his location might come in useful one day. Though as soon as the thought enters her head she forces herself to dismiss it. ‘Okay, well, do whatever you have to do.’
Sophia nods conciliatorily and Alice walks towards the door, but her head immediately fills with negative thoughts. She’s better when she’s talking – she knows that much now – it gives her something to concentrate on. It’s the gaps in between that allow panic to set in. She fights against every fibre in her body that is telling her not to do what she’s about to do.
‘We’ll be going to the airport in fifteen minutes,’ she says, clearing her throat. ‘You sure you’re going to be all right?’ She resists the overwhelming urge to throw herself onto Sophia’s bed and cling to her.
If she could only pretend that this is just another ordinary day, when her former husband was who she thought he was, and she wasn’t about to get on a plane and fly thousands of miles away, she’d be fine. What if it crashes? What if I die? What if the children need me? The irrational thoughts reverberate around her head as she turns to look at her daughter, wondering if it’s the last time she’s going to see her beautiful face. No, she chastises herself. I am not that woman anymore.
‘Grandma will be here in time to make you tea,’ she says in a bid to drown out the negative thoughts.
Sophia rolls her eyes. ‘I don’t understand why she has to be here. I’m nearly sixteen – I can look after myself.’
‘That may be so, but there’s Livvy to think of,’ says Alice, hanging on to the door for support. ‘It’s not fair for you to have the responsibility.’
‘Well, why doesn’t she go to Grandma’s and I stay here?’
Alice sighs heavily. ‘We’ve been through this enough times. Will you please just do as you’re told? You know the plan, and that’s the end of it.’
‘When are you going to start treating me like a grown-up?’ Sophia huffs as Alice walks out.
‘When you start acting like one,’ says Alice, under her breath, acutely aware that she sounds like her own mother twenty years ago.
She goes into her bedroom, where Nathan is packing, and can’t help but notice the difference between their organization skills. Whilst her case is lying open with its contents hastily chosen and messily arranged, Nathan has laid out his outfits on the bed, each with the corresponding pair of shoes and colour-coordinated accessories.
‘Hi darling,’ he says, pulling her towards him. ‘All okay?’
She smiles tightly.
‘You sure you want to do this?’ he asks as he kisses her.
‘Absolutely,’ she says.
‘What time’s your mum coming?’
Alice looks at her watch. ‘She’s going to pick Livvy up from school and then do the girls’ tea here.’
‘And you’re okay with it all?’ He hesitates before going on, as if fearful of opening a can of worms. ‘About leaving the girls?’
‘Yes,’ she says, ignoring the weight that is sitting on her chest. ‘No problem.’
‘And we’re going to have fun, as well as see to business?’ he says.
‘Of course,’ says Alice, and she means it, because she can’t remember the last time she let her hair down. She might need to up her medication in order to get herself there, but she’ll get there – she’s determined to.
‘I can’t believe the turnaround in you,’ he says, kissing her on the nose. ‘One minute you’re adamant that AT Designs should save money by holding back on our expansion plans, and the next you’re offering a million pounds for a site in Japan that you’ve not even seen. What changed?’
She could tell him. She could say that the man she’s been doing it all for, to keep his memory alive, not wishing to let him down, was nothing but a cheating bastard. But she doesn’t want to give Tom the credit. She wants Nathan to think that what she’s about to do is what she wants to do, rather than having been dictated to from beyond the grave.
‘I think you’re right,’ she says. ‘It’s about time we put ourselves on the map, and if we have to come out of our comfort zone to do it, then I’m prepared to take that chance.’
‘I love you, Mrs Davies,’ he says.
‘And I love you, Mr Davies,’ she replies, without wishing for a second that she was still Mrs Evans.
31
‘It doesn’t look big enough, does it?’ says Alice in astonishment at the sliver of barren land she’s standing in front of.
‘You’d be amazed what they can fit on this,’ says Nathan, ‘especially here in Tokyo. They’re used to building tall and thin, because space is always at such a premium. They just go upwards.’
‘So, it’s going to be five floors?’ she asks.
‘Yes,’ says Nathan. ‘It’ll be the same height as the athletes’ village over there. We can’t go higher than that.’
Alice shields her eyes from the midday sun as she looks across the river to the vast, brand-new white block standing proudly amongst the cranes and metal-framed structures that will create the Olympic site.
‘This is a prime piece of real estate,’ says Alice, excitedly. ‘Look how close it is.’
Nathan smiles. ‘I know. It may look like a dusty car park, but this is going to be in such huge demand. I can’t actually believe that we’re getting it for such a good price.’
Alice looks over to the towering blocks beyond, where columns of mirror-like windows appear seemingly endless against a blue sky. She feels a knot forming in her stomach. Can they really take on the big boys in a country so far away? In a culture so far removed from their own?
‘We can do this,’ says Nathan, as if reading her mind. He looks at his watch and tugs gently on her hand, beckoning her back to the waiting car. ‘We’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on.’
The chill of the air conditioning hits her as she gets in and the suited chauffeur offers her a cold towel. She accepts gratefully and lays it gently on her face, careful not to disturb the make-up she’s so meticulously applied. She’d caught sight of the platinum ring on her right hand as she put her mascara on earlier, its diamonds no longer an indelible link to Tom, but a nod to his affair with Beth. After all, who’s to say it hadn’t been meant as a present for her?
As Alice had acknowledged that she would never know, she’d ripped it off and thrown it carelessly into her handbag. She had somehow felt different without it, as if something had changed within her. How could it not have? The realization that she’d lived a lie for most of her adult life – the ten years spent with Tom and the ten years spent without him – hit home. A life based on deception and deceit. But now she was finally stepping out of the shadows, a complete woman, no longer peppered with holes that the bullets of the past had left.
She checks her reflection in her compact mirror and wipes the merest hint of under-eye smudging
away. Her bright-red lipstick, that matches her blouse, still stands the test of time.
‘You look gorgeous,’ says Nathan, taking hold of her hand and giving it a squeeze.
By the time they reach the lawyer’s office, on the twenty-fourth floor of one of the skyscrapers Alice had seen from the Olympic site, her carefully applied mask of confidence is on the wane.
‘Don’t desert me now,’ says Nathan, noticing. ‘We can do this.’
She runs her tongue around the top of her teeth, the dryness in her mouth threatening to stick her lips to her gums.
‘Mr Nathan,’ says a petite Japanese woman through a face mask. ‘A pleasure to meet with you. Mr Yahamoto is here. Please come this way.’
They’re ushered into a corner room where its occupant is pacing the floor with his phone at his ear. He offers the merest of smiles before signalling for them to sit down at the glass boardroom table.
Feeling like a child playing in an adult’s world, Alice forces herself to inhale, long and slow. She shifts her stance, sitting taller and pushing her shoulders back, hoping that the gesture will give her more of a presence.
‘Hai. Hai,’ says the man in front of them, in a clipped tone, before abruptly ending the call.
‘Ah, Mr Nathan,’ he says whilst bowing, ‘a pleasure to meet with you finally. And this must be Miss Alice.’
Alice smiles and offers as much of a bow as she can from a sitting position.
‘How are you enjoying Tokyo?’ he says, handing them both handleless cups. ‘Please – some green tea.’ Nathan eyes the murky liquid dubiously, whilst Alice accepts gratefully.
‘So, is everything good to go?’ asks Nathan. ‘Are we ready to exchange?’
‘Yes, I have notification that we are almost there,’ says the lawyer.
Nathan taps his hand against the side of his chair impatiently – Alice can hear his wedding ring knocking the metal arm.
His obvious agitation is making Alice even more nervous than she is already. She tries to bat away the uncomfortable sensation rising within her, the creeping tentacles that are snaking up from her stomach and into her chest. Can we just get this over and done with before I change my mind? she says silently.