by Sandie Jones
She unlocks her desk drawer and blindly sifts through the mess of paperwork, make-up and stationery that’s in there.
‘There it is,’ tuts Nathan, leaning in to retrieve it from underneath a chequebook and some fabric samples.
‘Wait!’ says Alice, grabbing hold of his wrist. ‘I’ll come with you.’
‘There’s no need. I literally just need to drop it in so they can take a quick copy.’
‘All the same, I should come,’ she says. ‘Just in case they need anything else.’
‘It’s honestly a waste of your time. It’ll be a two-minute job.’
Alice starts picking up her phone and keys from the desk. ‘No problem – I could do with getting out of here for a bit.’
‘This is ridiculous.’ Nathan lets out a huff as she ushers him out of her office. ‘It doesn’t take two of us to go to the bank.’
‘Come on, we can chat on the way,’ says Alice.
He stops at the bottom of the stairs and turns around to face her. ‘Look, stop!’ he says, his brow vexed.
Alice stops in her tracks.
‘I didn’t go to the bank yesterday,’ he says abruptly, his eyes avoiding hers.
It takes a moment for Alice to process the admission. ‘But you said—’
‘I know what I said, but I didn’t go.’
So now it’s beginning to come out. He’s got himself into a hole and knows that I’m about to discover that he wasn’t where he said he was.
‘So, where were you?’ she asks, her heart in her mouth. It seems to take forever for him to answer.
‘I was trying to get something for Livvy.’
That’s the last thing she was expecting. ‘Sorry, what?’
‘For her birthday . . .’
He’s speaking to her as if she’s stupid, as if she should understand what he’s saying; but she can’t, for the life of her, work out what Olivia’s birthday has to do with him not going to the bank.
‘I wanted it to be a surprise,’ he goes on.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says, shaking her head. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I told you I’d gone to the bank yesterday afternoon, but I went to see someone about a present for Livvy.’
Alice raises her eyebrows, waiting for more.
‘I went to look at a dog.’
‘A dog?’ she repeats incredulously. ‘Since when have we wanted a dog?’
‘It’s just something that Livvy mentioned a little while back and I thought it might be a good idea. I wanted it to be a surprise for all of you.’
‘Isn’t that something that you and I should discuss first?’ asks Alice. ‘I’m not sure that I would want one just now. It’s a huge commitment.’
‘Yeah, I know, but I think it would be fun.’
‘Where did you go then?’ asks Alice. ‘To see this dog.’
‘It was over Kent way.’
‘And?’ she asks, trying hard not to let her doubt in his story show in her voice.
‘And what?’
‘Did you like it?’
‘Er, no, it wasn’t right for us.’
‘What was it?’
‘Mmm, it was one of those crossbreeds, like a labradoodle or something.’
‘Ah cute,’ says Alice. ‘What colour?’
‘Chocolate brown,’ he says, quicker now, warming to the theme.
Alice looks in his eyes, trying to see any hint of deceit. ‘So why are you telling me this now?’
‘Because you’ve put me in a corner,’ he says, as if he’s aggrieved. ‘It’s going to be obvious, when we get to the bank, that I didn’t go yesterday. But if you hadn’t insisted on coming . . .’
Alice refuses to take the bait and opens the door to the car park. She walks briskly around the corner, leaving Nathan to catch up.
‘And what about Josh?’ she asks, as they fall in line with each other on the high street, narrowly missing a collision with a twin buggy. ‘Or was it Joe?’
‘They should ban those things,’ says Nathan in an effort to change the subject.
‘So, Josh?’ presses Alice, not letting him off. ‘Where did you meet him? Or is that a lie as well?’
‘I’m not lying Alice,’ he says. ‘Jesus, I just wanted it to be a surprise.’
‘The dog part or the Josh part?’
‘You’re being ridiculous,’ he says wearily. ‘I got the train down to see the dog and bumped into Josh at Waterloo, on my way back. He was just heading home after work and one beer turned into three . . . you know how it is.’
‘So, what time did you get in?’ she asks as he holds the door to the bank open for her.
He attempts to laugh. ‘I wish I knew. Around one. Maybe two.’ He sounds more unsure with every number.
‘So you weren’t with her?’ asks Alice, surprising even herself. Of all the times and places she’d imagined having this conversation, it wasn’t now, in a bank queue. She wishes she could suck it back in, but the best she can hope for is that he didn’t hear her.
‘Her?’ he repeats, as if he’s hoping he’s misheard.
Alice turns to look at him, jutting her chin out in an act of defiance. She doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t trust her voice.
‘Are we honestly going to go there again?’ he asks incredulously, under his breath.
‘I haven’t even started,’ hisses Alice.
He throws his arms up in the air. ‘What are you going to accuse me of this time?’
‘I saw the text,’ is all she says.
Nathan looks around, checking who’s in listening distance. A mum with a noisy toddler is in front of them and an elderly gentleman is a few feet behind them. Neither will be able to hear very much.
‘What text?’ he says.
‘The text from her.’ She almost spits it out. ‘The one where she begs for you.’
Nathan shakes his head and looks at her as if to say, Poor Alice, you need help. She remembers a nurse doing the very same thing when she was in the unit, and how she used to fantasize that when she got out, she’d break into her house and just sit there in the corner of her front room. She wouldn’t speak, just slowly shake her head and pull her mouth into a pitying smirk.
Alice opens the photos on her phone and hands him the screenshot of the text he’d received in Japan. She watches as the colour drains from his cheeks.
‘Did you go to her Nathan? Did you give her what she needed?’
She’s never seen him speechless before. He always has just the right words for every situation. But not for this one, it seems.
‘I didn’t want to tell you,’ he starts, and Alice can already feel the tightening at the back of her throat that signals tears are imminent.
‘I can’t do this here,’ she says, turning and striding out of the bank.
Nathan catches up with her outside and forcibly pushes her into an alley, out of sight of shoppers.
‘Listen to me,’ he says, authoritatively. ‘I don’t know who she is.’
Alice laughs and cries simultaneously. ‘Are you serious? You’re honestly expecting me to believe that?’
‘I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to worry you. I’ve had three or four similar texts, all from the same number, but I don’t know who it is.’
Alice wipes her nose with the back of her hand. ‘I can’t believe this is the tack you’re going to take. I expected more from you, Nathan. You’re an intelligent man – I thought you’d have your excuses all ready to go, but I’m truly disappointed that that’s all you’ve got to offer.’
He takes hold of her shoulders, his face just a few centimetres away from her. ‘You need to believe me because it’s true. I’ve tried calling the number again and again, but it just rings. I’ve texted it but had no response.’
‘And yet there’s nothing on your phone to prove your story,’ says Alice. ‘In fact, there’s no trace of anything apart from the one message that I saw. No attempt by you to find out who it is. No attempt to block th
e number. Nothing, apart from a dirty text.’
He gets his phone out, scrolls through his recent calls and turns the screen to face Alice. ‘Look, there,’ he says, jabbing a finger at a number. ‘I’ve called it fifteen times today alone.’
‘God, you must be crazy about her,’ snorts Alice derisively.
‘For fuck’s sake, I don’t know who it is,’ he says as he rakes a hand manically through his hair. ‘Here, take it, try it yourself. If we’re having some mad passionate affair, you’d assume she’d pick up as soon as she sees it’s me.’
Alice nods numbly.
‘Well, go on then. Call it. See what happens.’
Just as Nathan had predicted, the line rings out.
‘What more do I have to do?’ he asks, his frustration evident. ‘I do everything I can to be the man you want, the man you need, but I still get it thrown back in my face. The only thing you make me feel I’m doing right is being a father. Nothing else is ever good enough for you.’
Alice wipes away the tears from her cheeks. Is she asking for too much? Expecting a fairy tale that doesn’t exist?
‘Look, I understand how it must look right now,’ Nathan goes on, ‘and if I’d known you’d seen the text then I would have explained sooner. I don’t know what’s going on or who’s messing with me, but I promise you I’m not having an affair. You and the girls are my world.’
Alice allows Nathan to pull her into him because, despite everything, she needs to be held.
‘You need to find out who’s doing this,’ she says into his chest.
‘Don’t worry, I will,’ he says. ‘Now let’s go back into the bank and do what we came here to do.’
39
‘Okay, okay, no running,’ Alice calls out from the kitchen, as ten overexcited nine-year-olds race in from the garden and up the stairs. ‘Livvy, not upstairs please. There’s more people at the door.’
If she wasn’t out of breath from blowing up the balloons, and didn’t have twenty party bags still to fill, she’d go to the door herself. But as per usual, she’d thought she still had plenty of time, only realizing there was less than half an hour to go when Olivia danced into her bedroom in her Elsa dress.
‘Shit,’ she says out loud. ‘Nathan, can you get the lemonade in from the garage and find somewhere to hang the piñata?’
‘I’m on it.’
‘Grandma’s here!’ squeals Olivia from the hall.
Alice instantly feels calmer now that backup has arrived. ‘In the kitchen, Mum,’ she calls out.
Screaming kids whizz back past her, followed by Linda, who raises her eyebrows as if to say, Are you mad?
‘I know, I know,’ Alice says. ‘It just seemed like a good idea at the time.’
‘Right, where do you want me to start?’ asks Linda, in her typical no-nonsense way.
‘Mummy, can we do the piñata?’ Olivia calls out from the conservatory.
‘No, not just yet Livvy, you’ve still got one or two friends who aren’t here. Mum, can you just put the sausage rolls in the oven?’ Alice asks Linda, feeling her fringe sticking to her forehead. ‘And a few bowls of crisps out on the table? It’ll give them something to nibble on.’
‘Hi Linda,’ says Nathan as he comes in from the adjoining room, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. ‘You okay?’
Alice watches her mum smile and make all the right noises, but it seems forced. As if she’s dealing with a bothersome cold caller who she’d like to tell to sod off, but feels obliged to continue listening to, at least until they’d got to the end of their script. Does she feel ‘obliged’ when speaking to Nathan? Alice wonders. Has it always been that way?
‘I’m good,’ she says. ‘What’s going on with you?’ But she’s already turned her back on him to put a baking tray into the oven.
‘We’re completing on Japan tomorrow,’ he says, going up behind Alice and wrapping his arms around her. ‘You should be very proud of your daughter. She’s going to be an international property tycoon.’
Linda laughs, but Alice is sure there’s a bitterness to it. ‘I’m always proud of my daughter, Nathan. So it’s all going ahead then?’ She directs the question at Alice.
‘Mmm, four o’clock tomorrow. I can’t decide if I feel sick with fear or excitement.’
‘It’s a big commitment,’ says Linda. ‘It’s a lot on your shoulders.’
‘I’ll be right there beside her,’ says Nathan.
Alice shrugs him off and a tense silence hangs in the air, only broken when Olivia bursts in from the conservatory, crying.
‘Look what Phoebe did to me,’ she wails, holding her arm out.
Alice throws Nathan a look that says, If that bitch of a girl has made my daughter cry at her own birthday party, I’m going to kill her.
He glares back at her, silently saying, Okay, calm down. I’ve got this.
‘Look, there. She scratched me. Ow,’ cries Olivia, though no real tears are yet to materialize. Alice gives her arm a rub and a magic kiss.
‘Okay girls, can we please be kind to each other,’ says Nathan, going through to the conservatory and ushering the sea of blue polyester floating and spinning in front of him out into the garden. ‘If you carry on twirling, Phoebe, you’re going to make yourself sick.’
Alice hopes she might, though not on the polished wood floor.
‘Is that the little girl you think’s bullying Olivia?’ asks Linda, as the two girls link pinkies and vow to be friends again.
Alice rolls her eyes. ‘I honestly don’t know what’s going on. One minute they’re at each other’s throats and the next they’re making up again. I didn’t realize I’d told you.’
‘You didn’t,’ says Linda. ‘I was talking to Beth when you were away.’
Alice’s stomach lurches at the sound of her name, knowing that she’s going to be here any minute.
‘Well, believe it or not, it’s now being suggested that it’s actually Livvy that’s being mean,’ says Alice.
Linda folds her arms and takes a territorial stance, like a mother hen ruffling her feathers, ready for battle. Alice can’t help but laugh. ‘She might not be the angel you think she is.’
‘Absolute rubbish,’ says Linda. ‘And I’ll take on anyone who says otherwise.’
The doorbell rings and Alice immediately feels breathless. ‘Mum, would you mind?’ she says, tilting her head towards the front door.
Despite Beth insisting that she has to get off, Alice can hear her mum insisting, even louder, that she must come in. Her heart drops and she knocks back the biggest mouthful of wine that she can manage when she hears Millie coming down the hall saying, ‘Just come in for a bit, Mummy, and then you can go.’
‘Hi,’ says Beth, looking as if she’s quite literally on the back foot.
‘Hello,’ says Alice tightly.
With the people that matter to her all in one place, the magnitude of the secret they share weighs heavy on her shoulders. She’s not ready for it to be revealed, here and now, and shoots Beth a warning look, which if her old friend knows her at all, she’ll take notice of.
‘Welcome to the mayhem and mess,’ says Linda warmly, totally oblivious to the palpable tension between the other two women. ‘What can I get you to drink? And Millie darling, what would you like?’
Alice looks to her mum, her breath catching in her throat. What would she say if she knew the little girl she was offering the crisp bowl to was Sophia’s half-sister? And would Nathan be secretly pleased if he knew Tom had toppled from his place on the pedestal in such spectacular fashion?
But you might not be so squeaky clean yourself, she says to him silently, still unsure whether to believe his story about the unknown number. She wants to, but knows that if she does, she’s in danger of being as gullible as Beth was in trusting Tom. The admission that gullibility might be all that Beth is guilty of jolts her.
Alice can’t help but look at her, as if seeing her properly for the first time since her revelation. There’s a v
ery real vulnerability in her eyes. A pain not unlike her own. The result of them both having had the lives they thought they had ripped out from beneath them.
It isn’t Beth’s fault that Tom did what he did. How was she to know that he was married, with a child? Alice hadn’t seen that lying, duplicitous side to Tom either, or maybe she had, but she just didn’t realize it at the time. Even now that she’s had time to digest it, she still can’t believe that he was cheating on her, on both of them, playing them for fools. They were both victims, who could do worse than support each other through this unimaginable ordeal.
‘Go on Millie, go and join in. I’ll stay here with the grown-ups,’ Beth encourages.
And it’s not her fault either, thinks Alice, as she steps forward and offers Millie her hand.
‘Shall we go and see what all the noise is about?’ she says to the little girl dressed as Disney’s Anna. Millie nods enthusiastically and waves a quick goodbye to her mum.
Alice leads Millie out to the garden, where Nathan is struggling to blindfold a boy who is dressed as a mini Jack Sparrow. She refrains from saying that it might be easier if he just pulls his bandana down over his eyes. Before they’ve even counted to three, the boy is hacking at the colourful donkey suspended from a tree as if he’s making his way through a dense jungle with a machete.
‘Whoa, steady on Captain,’ says Nathan. ‘Hey Millie. You want a go in a minute? If you’re as good at this as you are at Minecraft the donkey doesn’t stand a chance.’
Alice looks on, marvelling at how at ease he is with the kids. Not just his own, but everyone else’s as well. Despite everything, she would never be able to show enough gratitude for the way he took Sophia on, without question. For adopting a child that was never his until he made her feel as if she was.
Alice heads back into the kitchen and tops up her wine, taking a grateful sip before turning to Beth.
‘Could I have a word?’ she says, whilst nodding her head in the direction of the front room, away from the noise.
Beth forces a smile and follows Alice. The two women walk into the living room and Alice shuts the door softly behind them, playing for time, not knowing where to start.