But how do you do that? How do you say stay with me when I can’t give you what you want and need? Choose me. Choose no kids. Choose disappointing your parents. She wasn’t enough. She just wasn’t. Sure, she’d tell him, and he’d be gentle, she knew that now. He wouldn’t trample all over her heart the way Peter had done, but she didn’t want him to make the wrong choice. And now he was gone. And she would never, ever fix her heart back together again.
She’d been so scared of being rejected she’d acted first. But it was better this way. A clean cut.
When her limbs finally stopped shaking she slowly climbed the stairs, her body aching from all the exhausting emotions of the day. First the high of her collection catwalk and now this.
She stumbled through to her studio and realized she’d left her clothes at the store. She’d ask Sara to go for her tomorrow and collect them. The last thing she wanted was to bump into Oliver and rub that raw wound. Her body felt broken. She felt like she was crumbling. She was broken.
She wandered through to her bedroom and slumped down on the bed. Tears running freely again now, she had no energy to stop them. The pain in her chest was so sharp she could barely catch her breath.
Her phone rang. Lily. Victoria snatched it up. ‘Oh, Lils.’
‘Is he there?’ Her voice was gentle, as if she was talking to a treasured child.
‘He was.’ A sob almost stopped Victoria from speaking but she managed to force the words out. ‘Now he’s gone. I told him to go.’
‘Did you tell him the truth about the accident? Everything? Did you have a good talk?’
There’d been nothing good about it. It had broken her heart to make him go. ‘I couldn’t face another man looking at me with such disappointment and disgust.’
‘Oh, honey. I’m so sorry that happened. But Oliver wouldn’t treat you like that. I mean… did he?’
‘No. He was lovely. Always lovely. And… I like him. I mean… a lot.’ Truth was, she just wanted to run up the road after him and tell him she’d made a huge mistake. But she hadn’t. She couldn’t make the even bigger mistake of falling deeper for him and then having her heart broken even more later on. She wanted his babies… this wasn’t about providing an heir for his family, this was about her deepest desires. The ones she’d thought she’d controlled, the ones she’d believed she’d come to terms with losing. But she hadn’t. She wanted Oliver and wanted to a family. And she couldn’t. ‘Talk me down, please.’
But instead of hearing Lily’s lovely voice she heard some beeps and Zoe and Malie appeared in little boxes on her screen. And oh, God she needed to see them. Needed the collective support, knowing they were there to hold her up. The Lost Hours, her friends were here for her.
‘Hi’ was all she could manage through the sobs and the lump in her throat.
‘We saw. We know. We love you,’ Malie said, her voice low and soft and comforting.
‘You… you know I told him to leave? You know we broke up?’
Zoe shrugged. ‘Your call. Whatever feels right, do it. We’ve got you.’
‘You’re a strong, brave, amazing woman. Heck, you’re a going to be a world-famous designer after today’s show.’ Lily smiled her reassuring smile, although it was a little wobbly. ‘You’ll get through this. We’ll get you through this.’
Victoria was so worried her friends would be upset about the kiss and the photos but here they were, looking out for her. ‘I don’t know. I think I love him. But it’s too soon. I mean… stupid me.’ She thought about the night they’d spent in the hospital, all wrapped up in each other, talking into the early hours. The way she’d opened her heart and he’d done the same. The connection between them that had tightened and tugged and bound them together. ‘I’m not making any sense…’
‘Hey.’ Lily laughed, gently. ‘It’s OK, you’re hurting. You don’t have to make any sense at all.’
‘I wish…’ She sobbed. ‘I wish I had said yes instead of pushing him away. I’m too scared.’ She sniffed. ‘I just don’t want a rerun of Peter. Basically, I’m a coward.’
‘You are not.’ Zoe was always great at taking control and talking truths. ‘You have faced so many challenges and you’ve overcome so much. You’re freaking amazing.’
‘I just wish I felt amazing instead of like a limp lettuce.’ Victoria pulled a tissue from a box by her bed and wiped her face. ‘OK. Tell me something happy. God, I’m always asking you that. Now I feel bad. It’s like you’re my happy fairies.’
Lily laughed. ‘You did the same for me when Alistair absconded with my cash. I didn’t think I’d ever get over that and… maybe I’m not quite there yet, but you girls made me feel better. Let me think… happy? Happy. Oh! Yes. It’s Christmas soon. You’ll be coming home to see us? Please say yes.’
Zoe’s mouth tipped up at one corner. ‘Hey, I know it won’t be the same without me, but Malie’s popping home for a few days, right? Three out of four, isn’t bad.’
Malie nodded, but didn’t say anything. Victoria knew that was because coming home was always difficult for her – with her brother gone she felt she had to be there once a year for her parents, but their relationship was strained.
Lily nodded too. ‘I want to spoil you rotten. I’ll feed you. You can be my official Christmas menu taster. Please come home.’
Home. Victoria hadn’t thought of Hawke’s Cove as her home for so long, but the pull of the familiar and comfort was too much to resist. She could retreat there and lick her wounds with people who loved her. She just wanted a hug. Lots of hugs. Lost Hours meetings in person. The comfort of her friends.
‘To be honest I hadn’t thought past today. But I’ll book time off work and I’ll come down for the silly season.’ If she was going to get over Oliver Russell she couldn’t do it on her own, she needed home and friends and love.
‘And we can get silly on mulled wine together,’ Malie said. ‘And take the boat round to the cove and get very, very drunk on prosecco. And to hell with men.’
‘Yes! To hell with…’ Victoria couldn’t say it. Because, despite how badly she and Lily had been treated in the past there were good men out there. Oliver was one of them. ‘But… oh, you guys. I love him. I feel as if my heart is splitting in two.’
‘I know. But your heart is big enough to cope. We love you, V. We’ve got you,’ Malie said and Victoria knew that even if everything wasn’t going to be all right, not for a long time, she’d be cocooned in her family’s and friends’ embraces. That would definitely make things a whole lot better.
‘Thank you.’ Victoria lay back on her pillow and the tears slid down her cheeks, soaking the linen underneath her.
She had her friends. She had her work, a job she loved and a dream that was starting to crystallize into something very exciting.
She just didn’t have the one thing that mattered above everything else.
Oliver Russell.
Chapter Eighteen
EVERYONE AROUND HIM WAS happy.
Yeah. It was Christmas. Big freaking deal. Oliver was in a fancy restaurant eating over-priced bland food with the top brass at Russell & Co. There was tinsel and glitter everywhere, as if someone had dumped a tonne of the stuff over the table. He’d been made to wear a stupid paper hat from one of the crackers and everyone had had too much to drink. Except him.
To make things a thousand times worse he’d been seated next to his cousin.
‘Plans for Christmas?’ Andrew asked as he swirled dark amber liquid around the bottom of a glass. His yellow paper hat had slid down over his forehead. He looked ridiculous. ‘Going to your parents?’
‘No. Haven’t got time. Tomorrow’s going to be the busiest day of the year, because every single man in this country leaves his shopping until Christmas Eve. On top of that Boxing Day sales start early. No point driving all the way out to Norfolk, only to have to drive all the way back again the same day.’
‘Bah humbug,’ Andrew growled.
‘Probably.’ Oliver bit back
the string of curse words that leaped to his throat. His Christmas spirit had done a bunk the day Victoria had told him she didn’t want to see him anymore and refused to even listen to sense or compromise. The last thing he wanted was to put on a brave face about Christmas. ‘Don’t know what all the fuss is about, to be honest.’
The only thing that would ever make him happy wasn’t here. She’d disappeared again – OK, so he may have had a peek in The Landing last night and again tonight, just before he came to this shower of an event.
Andrew swirled and drank. ‘So, you’re staying in town? You want to get the hell out of here and find a decent bar?’
‘No.’ He wanted to curl up with Victoria. Kiss her. Undress her.
Fifty years. He wanted that with her, he knew it now.
His cousin nudged him. ‘Come on, Ol. We could find some women, get laid and then maybe we’ll have a better chance for a happy Christmas.’
‘You go. I’m going to bed.’ Oliver scraped his chair back and stood.
‘You are no fun.’ Andrew shot at him. ‘Don’t tell me you’re missing that Vicki woman.’
Oliver controlled his breathing. ‘Victoria. She doesn’t like Vicki.’
But she loved helping people. She didn’t like inequality. She was funny and kind. She’d pushed him to make things better with his parents. She was passionate. She tasted like freedom and new chances. And she was gone.
He was having trouble dealing with that, to be honest. He’d never felt so damned alone. He hadn’t even realized he’d been lonely but she made him feel… OK, stupid as it was, she made him feel whole. More than. Better. She just made him feel alive.
‘You are well rid of her. I was on to her. She was taking you for a ride, Ol. Until I got wise and told her…’ Andrew trailed off and looked back into the bottom of his now empty glass. Then shrugged. ‘Oops.’
‘What do you mean?’ Oliver leaned in to his cousin, unable to hide the surprise and irritation from his tone. ‘What the hell did you say to her?’
Andrew shrugged, eyes wide. ‘Look, I just told her I knew her little secret.’
‘What secret?’ Oliver’s heart rate escalated. He sat back in his chair. What had he missed?
‘That she’s barren. Infertile. Can’t have kids. Can’t progress the Russell line. She was stringing you along and you fell for it.’
‘She can’t what?’ Oliver’s mind went into overdrive, but the last piece of the jigsaw slotted into place. I just can’t explain, she’d said. Because she believed she’d be rejected again, right? But… why hadn’t she said anything? ‘How do you know this, Andrew?’
‘Her ex. Said she’d been tight-lipped about it when they were in the lovey-dove stage. Then, when they were starting to talk futures she dropped the bombshell.’ He drained his glass. ‘Can’t have them. Turns out he did want them, so…’
Irritation turned to anger so raw and fresh it tightened Oliver’s chest, snatched his breath. ‘So… that Peter douchebag dumped her because of an accident that wasn’t her fault?’
‘Found someone else, so yeah.’
And she found them together. God. Peter had probably staged the whole damned thing too. Poor Victoria. The tightness sharpened and spread to his gut as he started to understand. ‘And she thought I’d do the same.’
‘She said she was going to end it anyway.’
Oh, God. And she’d had to deal with Andrew. Oliver imagined how that had gone down. And then hot on the heels of that thought he had another, worse… why had she been unable to tell him? Because she didn’t trust him… was it him or every guy? Had she thought he was like Peter and that he’d run away at the sight of her scars and what they implied? Had he been that cold? The famous Russell ruthlessness in relationships as well as business?
But he’d let her go with barely a fight. So yes, she probably thought he was exactly like her ex. Oliver had let her go because he’d believed it was what she wanted.
He glared at his cousin. ‘You didn’t think to talk to me about it first?’
‘I gave her time to come clean.’ Andrew’s hands went up in a submissive gesture. ‘Let’s just say I hurried it along before she got any more valuables out of you.’
‘The ring?’ Nausea whirled in Oliver’s stomach as he started to understand his cousin’s subtext. ‘You want Nana Norma’s ring?’
Andrew shrugged. ‘It’s as much mine as it is yours.’
‘It’s Victoria’s now. I told her to keep it.’
Andrew’s lip curled. ‘Then you’re more of a sucker than I thought you were.’
They were interrupted by goodbyes and handshakes with the rest of the Russell & Co staff. Oliver dug deep to find any semblance of Christmas cheer… and then just faked it until they’d all gone.
Then it was just him and Andrew. Oliver could barely hold back his anger at this whole situation. If Andrew hadn’t threatened to out her then maybe she’d have stayed and eventually trusted Oliver enough to tell him. He wanted to deck his cousin right here in the restaurant. ‘You should have stayed the hell out of my business.’
‘I did you a favour, mate. You should be thanking me.’
‘I should just floor you.’ Oliver’s temper flared and his hands formed tight fists. ‘Why do you always ruin what I have? You’re like a child. Jealous. You want to break my frickin’ toys. Man…’
‘You’ve got to fight for what you want, right?’ Andrew glared at him. ‘Can’t have you throwing our inheritance away on that woman.’
‘That woman happens to be someone I…’ The pain in Oliver’s chest tightened. He wasn’t going to say that word to Andrew and somehow belittle it by have his cousin sneer at it. ‘I admire Victoria a lot. What are you jealous of, Andrew? The fact I found someone like her?’
‘I’m not jealous of you or anything you have or do. I don’t care.’ But everything about Andrew’s demeanour belied his words.
‘Not jealous of me coming here to clear up your mess? Not jealous of me being happy with someone for the first time in for ever? Not jealous… but you want to spoil it for me, right?’ This did not feel good. Oliver knew they were better than this, but it needed to be said.
Anger flared red hot in his cousin’s eyes, and he stood up, snarling, ‘Why should you get everything? I worked hard for the Chelsea store and you’re getting all the glory. You’ve always been tipped to be the Russell heir and you were just about to ruin it all with her. I did it for the sake of the company.’
‘Ah. Now I understand. You want the Russell crown and the ring?’ Looking up at his cousin but completely unintimidated by him, Oliver bit back what he really wanted to say. Thought he had, at least, but the words just rushed out of him. ‘You know what? Take it. Take the whole damned business. I don’t care. I don’t want it and you obviously want nothing else. Have it. But do you know what’ll happen? You’ll blow it all up. You’ll destroy what our parents and grandparents fought so hard to create, the way you destroyed me and Victoria. Because you just can’t help yourself.’
‘I won’t destroy anything. You didn’t have to come to Chelsea, I didn’t want you here. You just wanted to show off.’
‘Grow up, Andrew. We both know you needed help getting the store ready for opening. I get it, I do. It’s a tough job. Maybe next time you should ask for help before we hit crisis point.’ Oliver scraped his chair back and stood to meet his cousin eye to eye. ‘If there is a next time.’
This was it. Oliver didn’t want to do this anymore, so he turned to leave. But Andrew grabbed his arm. ‘You don’t tell me what to do.’
‘I’m done here.’ Oliver shrugged away.
‘Don’t turn your back on me,’ Andrew’s voice was low and dangerous.
‘Have it. Have it all. Have Russell & Co.’ Oliver turned and threw his hands in the air. ‘You won’t take advice. You just want, want, want. So good luck with the whole damn thing.’
‘But—? What?’ Something flashed in his cousin’s eyes. Anger? Fear? ‘It’s mine? Yo
u don’t want it?’
‘It’s yours.’ Oliver just wanted to get the hell out.
‘Wait!’ Instead of the expected burn, Andrew closed his eyes.
‘What?’
His cousin didn’t speak for a few moments then, ‘I… Damn. Ollie. I can’t have it. You’re right.’
‘About?’
The anger whooshing out of him, Andrew slumped into his chair. ‘I don’t know what to do. I get lost in the details. I think I have… I don’t know, some kind of attention problem, or focus issues. I don’t know. It all came so easily to you, but I just stare at things and don’t know what to do about them. My to-do list just gets longer and the panic sets in and then I do nothing.’ Andrew breathed out. This admission was costing him, Oliver knew but he didn’t care at all. ‘I need help.’
‘You figure? Not just with spreadsheets.’
‘What can I do?’
His cousin was serious. He was actually asking for help. Damn. Ollie sat back down.
After everything, he couldn’t walk away now. Victoria would never forgive him for not helping. Hell, she’d shown him the good you could do, the way you could lift someone up. It didn’t take much, but by extending a helping hand you could change someone’s life.
And he was family. Blood was blood and you did what you could, right? He wouldn’t have been able to look his old man in the eye if he didn’t offer a hand up to another Russell. Even after everything. He couldn’t have Victoria, and even if Andrew had precipitated her departure, she’d been hell-bent on going. Because she thought Oliver would reject her if he knew the extent of her injuries?
Did she even know him?
But then people lashed out when they were hurting… it was a self-protection thing, Ollie understood. And who was he to put up a wall between him and a member of his family? He couldn’t fix his relationship with Victoria, but he could take steps with his cousin.
He sighed. ‘OK, Andy. We’ll fix this. We’ll get a mentor, someone who can walk you through things. We’ll take it at your pace. We’ll help you.’
Meet Me in London: The sparkling new and bestselling romance for 2020. Perfect escapism, for fans of Lindsey Kelk and Heidi Swain. Page 26