by John Gottman
In general, the distance people keep between them differs based on the type of relationship, the setting, and the person’s mood. You don’t want to get so close that your conversation partner feels uncomfortable. Nor should you be so far away that you seem aloof or defensive. Keep in mind that people can generally tolerate more closeness when they’re feeling relaxed. When angry or stressed, they need more space. Also, try to get on eye level with the other person. This may mean crouching or kneeling when you’re speaking to small children. And if you talk to someone who’s seated, pull up a chair for yourself, if that’s appropriate.
Exercise: Log Your Observation of Movement and Gestures
Use your Emotion Log to document your observations about the way emotions appear in people’s movement and gestures. As you make entries in your log, you may want to think about a particularly emotional incident you’ve had recently with a loved one, or with somebody else important in your life.
• What interesting movements or gestures did you notice others sharing recently?
• Who used them?
• What did they look like? (Make simple sketches or clip pictures, if you’d like.)
• What did these expressions tell you about the way that person was feeling?
• Were you aware of people responding to your movement or gestures? What did you notice?
The Language of Touch
Just as the space between us is important, so too are the bridges that we build across that space via touch. Touch can be an important tool in bidding and responding to others’ bids for connection. It can convey underlying channels of feelings in so many situations. Maybe you’ve experienced a few of these emotion-filled examples:
• Shaking hands with the person who offered you your first “real” job
• Holding hands with your first girlfriend or boyfriend
• Sharing a “high five” with teammates after the big win
• Slipping your hands into your lover’s back pockets
• Bathing your newborn
• Patting your best friend’s back on his wedding day
• Hugging your child as he returns from summer camp
• Holding hands with a dying parent as she slips in and out of consciousness
• Cuddling front to back with a lover in the middle of the night
Studies prove that touching and being touched can have a tremendous impact on people’s feelings of health and well-being. Research by University of Miami psychologist Tiffany Field, for example, reveals the benefits that touch can provide in the emotional development of infants—even when the babies’ mothers are depressed. It’s an important finding, because Field’s previous work showed that having a depressed mother can potentially harm the way a baby’s brain learns to process feelings. In one of Field’s experiments, for instance, babies of depressed moms were uncharacteristically wary of stimuli as harmless and entertaining as watching soap bubbles rise. But when the researchers taught the mothers to touch and massage their babies, this effect was reversed. The study further revealed that the mother’s touch had a lasting positive effect on the baby and might even compensate for the negative effects of being cared for by a depressed mom. So powerful are such findings that Field has set up several Touch Research Institutes in university settings to further study the healing power of touch.
Because people often use touch to communicate their attachment to one another, it plays a strong role in both courtship and committed romantic relationships. By studying unattached men and women at singles bars, restaurants, and parties, one researcher observed that a woman’s touch can be extremely influential in attracting men. The study showed what power women wielded by touching men with their hands, knees, thighs, or breasts. In fact, such courtship signals were a better predictor of a man’s interest in her than the woman’s physical appearance.
Touching is an important way for two people to signal to others that they’re attached. Erving Goffman called behaviors such as holding hands in public “tie signs.” In one of his studies, an interviewer approached couples in line at a movie theater and started to ask either impersonal or intimate questions. If the interviewer was a man asking a woman intimate questions, the man she was with showed more tie signs than he did if the questions were impersonal. Studies have also shown that the amount of touching couples do in public varies according to the stage of a relationship. Early in heterosexual dating relationships, men touch more than women. Later, when relationships become more serious, the amount of touching is equal. And in early marriage, women touch more than men.
In addition to communicating affection or comfort, touch can be used as a demonstration of power and control. Observational studies in work situations have shown that people feel much freer to touch their subordinates than their superiors. With this finding in mind, think about the various ways an assistant might interpret the boss’s pat on the back. Regardless of the boss’s intention, the assistant’s reaction may range from feeling acknowledged to patronized to intimidated to sexually harassed. If the assistant feels offended by the touch, the imbalance of power in the relationship may make it hard for the assistant to complain. The same dynamic is common in abusive family situations. It’s the abuser who decides when and where it’s okay to touch. The victim typically has no power over the situation.
Because touch can evoke strong emotions, it’s important to pay close attention to cultural norms. In many European countries, for example, people greet one another socially with a kiss on each cheek. In the United States, however, a handshake or a light hug will suffice. And in Japan, no touch is expected; a slight bow of the head is considered most appropriate.
Norms can also differ according to age, gender, religion, profession, or other characteristics. If you’re aware of the norms, you can follow them to fit in more easily, to mix and socialize without drawing undue attention to yourself. You can also choose to make a statement by not following the norms. When you sense a mutual sexual attraction to someone new, for example, a tender touch may create just the kind of attention you’re after.
But if you’re not aware of the norms, you may make statements you never intended to make. I know of a retired Air Force officer, for instance, who was hired as sales director for a health-related business. Although he was competent in his new position, he had a habit of greeting clients with a handshake so strong that they found it painful. His super-firm greeting was probably an asset in the military, but among hospital and clinic administrators, it was considered oddly aggressive, and it got in the way of building rapport.
Rules can also change depending on the setting. American male football players, for example, often pat one another on the butt during the game, and it’s not considered a sexual overture. But if that player tried the same behavior during a quiet dinner with another player, it might be perceived quite differently.
The key lesson to remember is that touch is powerful. It can have a big impact on other people, negative or positive. When you touch someone, it’s important to be aware of the message that your touch may convey. Is it likely to strengthen the relationship or to weaken it? And if someone else touches you in a way that you find unclear or confusing, ask yourself about the source of your confusion. Such questions might include the following:
• Does this person feel warmly toward me?
• Is this touch affectionate? Comforting? Friendly? Sexual? Pleasant? Aggressive? Threatening?
• Is this touch meant to control me?
• Do I like being touched in this way?
• Does this touch make me feel uneasy?
• Would I want to be touched by this person in this way again?
Trust your feelings, and talk to the other person about feelings that surface, if possible.
Remember that touching and being touched is important to our sense of well-being and to feeling connected with others. Used wisely, it can communicate your affection, concern, and affiliation with others, and foster the development of war
m, open, trusting relationships.
Exercise: Log Your Observation of Touch
Use your Emotion Log to document your observations about the way people express their feelings through touch. Below are some questions to consider as you make entries in your log. As you do this exercise, it may help to think about a particularly difficult, comforting, or pleasurable interaction you’ve recently had with another person.
• What observations have you recently made about the way people use touch to express their feelings?
• Who was involved?
• What did these gestures look like? (Make simple sketches or clip pictures, if you’d like.)
• What did these gestures tell you about the way that person was feeling?
• Were you aware of people responding to your touch? What did you notice?
What the Voice Reveals
In addition to the words we speak, our voices provide listeners with a wealth of emotional information. Knowing more about the voice can help you to more effectively express what you’re feeling, and to hold a listener’s interest. You’ll also learn to listen for emotional cues in others’ voices. Common emotional signals include changes in the pitch, rate, and volume at which people talk.
According to research by Geneva psychologist Klaus Scherer, voice pitch goes up for a majority of people when they’re feeling angry or fearful. The voice moves from what Scherer calls “the chest register,” which is low, relaxed, and resonant, to the “head register,” which is higher and more tense. Their speech may also become louder and faster. But if a person is naturally a fast speaker, his or her speech may slow down when mad or scared.
Sadness is harder to detect in the voice than anger and fear, says Scherer. Still, there’s some evidence that pitch goes down and the rate of speech becomes slower when people feel sad.
Pitch may also vary depending on whether the information shared is negative or positive. If a speaker says, “I’ve got a meeting in Chicago next week,” and he’s looking forward to that meeting with optimism, the pitch of his voice is likely to rise at the end of his statement. But if he’s worried about that meeting, and he’s approaching it with a sense of dread, the pitch of his voice will deepen as he gravely tells you, “I’ve got a meeting in Chicago next week.”
Linda Camras, a psychologist, observed that this optimistic rise in pitch usually is accompanied by eyebrow raising, whereas the pitch-lowering worry is likely to be accompanied by drawing the brows down and together. If you want to see for yourself, try saying, “My mother-in-law is coming to visit,” in a worried tone, and simultaneously try raising your brows. Then try saying it in a happy, optimistic tone while lowering your brows. It’s hard to do.
It’s also difficult for people to monitor the way their own voices sound to others, which is one more reason the voice can provide so much emotional information. Think about how strange it sounds to hear your own voice on a tape recorder. Unless you regularly work with audio equipment, you’re probably surprised by how you sound on tape compared with the way you sound to your own ear while you’re speaking. If you don’t know what your voice sounds like in the first place, it’s hard to change your voice to mask your feelings.
Still, social scientists—especially those involved in the study of law enforcement—have put a lot of effort into trying to read fear and tension in the voice. Common signs of such emotions include the following:
• Changes in mid-sentence (“I have a book that…the book I need for finals is…”)
• Repetition of words or phrases in mid-sentence (“I often…often I work at night…”)
• Stuttering (“Y-y-you wouldn’t be thinking of l-l-leaving…”)
• Omitting words or leaving words unfinished (“I went to the lib…”)
• Incomplete sentences (“He said the reason was…anyway, he couldn’t go.”)
• Slips of the tongue (“I went to the grocery stair for milk and eggs.”)
• Intruding incoherent sounds (“I don’t really know why…dh…I went…”)
If you want to use your voice to communicate your feelings more clearly, pay attention to the pitch, rate, and volume at which you speak. Remember that a slow, quiet monotone does not foster interest. But if you vary your pitch, rate, and volume in ways that emphasize the points you want to make, you’ll be a more interesting speaker. You’ll have a better shot at connecting with others on an emotional level.
To read emotion in others’ voices, pay attention to changes in their pitch, rate, and volume. As with facial expressions, such changes can’t tell you the absolute truth about the way another person is feeling, but they are an indication that a significant level of emotion is being expressed. Don’t be afraid to follow your hunches and ask the speaker questions about your perceptions: “Your voice gets so low when you talk about going to Chicago. I have the feeling you don’t want to go.” Or, “You’re talking so fast. Are you kind of anxious about this meeting in Chicago?” Such queries may lead to conversations that foster emotional connection.
Exercise: Log What You Hear in People’s Voices
You can use your Emotion Log to document the emotional information you hear in people’s voices. Below are some questions to consider as you make your entries. You may want to think about a recent incident or two in which you and another used your voices to express your feelings.
• What interesting vocal expressions have you noticed recently? (Consider changes in pitch or rate of speech, speech patterns, or tone of voice.)
• Who used these vocal expressions?
• What did these expressions tell you about the way this person was feeling?
• Were you aware of people reacting to emotional expressions in your voice? What did you notice?
Putting Feelings into Words
There are many good reasons to focus on your emotions, give them a name, and then talk about them.
First, naming your feelings engages the part of the brain that controls the functions of logic and language. So when you identify your feelings and put them into words, you get a better sense of control over them. This can help you to cope with negative emotions like fear, anger, or sadness.
Second, naming your feelings and talking about them is essential for connecting with others; people around you can’t know for certain what you’re feeling unless you tell them.
Relationships grow when one person helps the other to name his or her emotions. Here’s a simple example: Your friend tells you that his favorite aunt just died. If you say, “That must be very sad for you,” you show that you understand your friend’s experience, which helps you to connect emotionally.
What’s even more helpful, however, are those instances when a friend is not sure what he’s feeling and you help him figure it out:
“Jenny left last night without even saying good-bye.”
“That must have been upsetting.”
“It was. I didn’t know what to think.”
“Were you angry?”
“Sort of. But it was more than that. We’ve always been so close.”
“So it sounds like you’re kind of disappointed and sad.”
“Yes, I’m really sad. And kind of scared, too. I don’t know what I’d do if she left for good.”
The ability to identify feelings and express them in words comes easily for some. These people are often quite aware of what they’re feeling moment by moment, and have a rich vocabulary with which to describe their emotions.
But other people struggle all their lives to understand their feelings, name them, and converse about them. They may know they’re feeling something, but they’re just not sure what the feeling is. For those who have this kind of challenge, it may be helpful to take an intellectually based, or “cognitive,” approach to exploring emotion. This involves remembering recent experiences in your life and thinking about the way such experiences typically lead people to feel.
Here’s an example: Carl comes home from work and finds a note from h
is wife. It says she’s gone to a PTA meeting, his son has gone to a movie, and his daughter is off with her girlfriends. He rummages through the refrigerator, finds some leftover pizza, heats it in the microwave, and settles in front of the television to watch a news program, the topic of which is the unstable economy.
Later that night, as Carl is lying in bed, he’s aware that he feels vaguely uncomfortable, but he’s not sure why. In fact, he’s not sure that he wants to know why. But he’s tired of this undefined angst that seems to be haunting him, and he’d like to get to the bottom of it. So he begins to think about this negative energy he’s experiencing.
At this point he can only describe his feelings as “unsettled.” Then he starts to reflect back on the evening’s events—how unpleasant it was to come home to a dark, empty house when he was expecting to see his wife, his kids, and dinner on the stove. There was definitely something missing for him in this situation. And he knows that when things are missing from people’s lives, they often feel sad. So he concludes, “I wanted to be with my family and they weren’t here. This made me feel lonely. Lonely and disappointed.”
Still, Carl feels there’s more to the evening’s negative energy. He thinks about the TV program. The economy has been strong for quite a while, and he and his wife have enjoyed a nice sense of economic security. But the program talked about how volatile the markets have become—how investors could lose a great deal very quickly. The program made him realize that his investments might not be that secure after all. And he knows what happens when people question their safety. They begin to feel anxious and fearful. “So this energy I’m feeling is more than loneliness and disappointment about not seeing my family,” he tells himself. “It’s also anxiety. I’m anxious about our investments.”